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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister in Law has "stolen" my chosen name

78 replies

Disappointed1Bambi · 31/01/2011 19:03

Both my sister in law and I confided in each other whilst we having fertility issues, including if we were ever blessed, the names we had chosen. She gave birth today to her son and has named him, the name that we had chosen for a boy. I am still having ongoing fertility issues. I knew when this day came that I would find it extremely tough going emotionally. However, this has been compounded by her "stealing" our name. I really don't even want to go and see them now with the new born. I'm devastated, however my partner just thinks I'm being unreasonable and irrational re it all. I haven't stopped crying all day

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 31/01/2011 19:26

gorgeousx, I think that is unreasonably harsh, under the circumstances.

maighdlin · 31/01/2011 19:26

if it was your best friends granny's neighbour then YABU but when its you sister YADNBU it is practically written in stone the baby names we have chosen between me and my sisters there would be war if we chose another's. In this situation no-one would be U.

sahara13 · 31/01/2011 19:26

Def try not to let it get to you and certainly dont show sil how much it has. My sympathy though-I think she should have been a bit more sensitive to the situation.

Foreverondiet · 31/01/2011 19:30

Very very insensitive. I would usually say that you don't own a name but in these circumstances how awful.

GORGEOUSX · 31/01/2011 19:32

Hecate You're right. I'm in a foul mood tonight. OP I apologise; There's a silver lining in every cloud and I bet you'll think of a much better name, in time; and when you do PLEASE keep it to yourself.

Sorry OP.

bettybosseye · 31/01/2011 19:32

That's terrible.YANBU.Whatever her reasons it must be really hard for you. I know others are saying it's just a name and you don't own it etc.. but i completely get why you are upset.
Nothing you can do now though, just let it pass and hopefully you'll have your own bundle of joy soon.
I wish you all the best.

OldieButGoldie · 31/01/2011 19:32

I had never discussed my chosen names with my SIL or brother, nor did I have any particular fertility problems (other than finding a man to mate with ).

However, when my nephew was born and they chose my name for him I was stung! That was to be my baby with that name. It hurt, and for me moreso by the fact that I had never told anyone how much I wanted to have a child of my own, let a lone with that name.

Now I have my own DS with a different name. He suits his own name better. And my nephew suits his.

If you are blessed with your own son one day he will have a different name and all will be well.

barteringlines · 31/01/2011 19:34

In usually say that no-one owns a name on these threads but I think in your circumstances SIL should have understood how hard it would be for you and steered clear of the name. Unless she genuinely forgot you had said you would use it?
I would tell her that you had decided it was too common/chavvy/sounded too much like a dog's name etc

SarfEasticated · 31/01/2011 19:35

oh no, that's terrible, I can see that you must feel awful and don't want to face them, I wouldn't either.

mememe30 · 31/01/2011 19:35

TanteAC That was a lovely post.

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 31/01/2011 19:36

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet and all that..

It's shitty but perhaps you're projectig your other feelings on to it a bit, which is entirely understandable (from someone who has issues too) I really hope you feel better soon xx

funkydubs · 31/01/2011 19:39

You Poor thing, i really sypothise, i now its difficult, i had 8 years of trying for a baby, ( i now have 3 kids ) i now what its like to have your heart set on a name, but let me just say, once you become preg, Which i really hope you will, you feel different and when you look at your baby, you might not think he or she looks like the name you have chosen. just think there are tons of really lovely names out there, i know its hard because every time you see your little neph now his name will remind you of how his name came about, just try to move on and try your hardest not to be affected by this, by the way, when i was trying to concieve my 3rd i went to a chiropractic who said my lower back, sacrium and pubic bone was out which was blocking the nerves to my uterus and not making it good for conception to take place, i had it put back in place on the day i ovulated and she said go home, keep your legs togeather as much as poss, have sex that night, (doggy style, sorry this is too much detail but it might help you) and see what happens, well to cut a long story short, i did concieve that night, so my advise to you is keep trying, and forget the name thing, go and visit the new baby in your life and think of the name as your gift to them, i really hope this helps.

mutznutz · 31/01/2011 19:41

YABU...I have the same name as my cousin. It's never caused a problem.

Good luck with the fertility problems x

TubbyDuffs · 31/01/2011 19:42

Can understand your frustration, but honestly, when you have your little girl you aren't going to give a toss about this!

Hugs (bit un-MNy-type ones)

ENormaSnob · 31/01/2011 19:44

With these threads I normally say yabu.

In this case I really think yanbu.

falsemessageoflethargy · 31/01/2011 19:45

Gorgeousx - you often come onto threads and say something horrid only to recant 3 posts later when someone rebukes you - hows about not posting the horrid thing in the first place?

OP - sorry this has happened. Was it a top ten name? Even so its hard - I would say to her that you loved the name as well and you're glad one of you can use it with as much grace as you can muster and then cry about it later.

good luck with the ttc

roomonthebroom · 31/01/2011 19:51

I don't think YABU at all. It's made all the more raw because you have been going through TTC together which I know from personal experience is just shit, and is particularly difficult when people who are close to us have babies. I really hope that your SIL hasn't done this out of malice, it's very unfortunate that she has shown you so little sensitivity, but try to rise above it if you can and focus on the next stage in your journey, although I am fully aware this is easier said than done.

FWIW my closest and oldest friend suddenly announced she was TTC when I started IVF, despite having 2 under 3 and had never mentioned wanting another baby. She then declared she would use the name I liked for a boy. Fortunately she had a girl but used the same name my niece has

Take care of yourself and I hope you are successful soon.

GORGEOUSX · 31/01/2011 19:55

falsemessage As you've taken such an interest in my posts, I'll give you a bit of insight - and maybe a bit of advice that you could use - there's nothing wrong with taking on board someone's reply and thinking it through and showing a bit of humility and admitting you were wrong.

If you've never apologised to anyone I can only assume that either you're not interested in hearing someone else's point of view, or you think you are always right.

What a nasty thing to say to me - you ought to take a leaf out of your own book!

falsemessageoflethargy · 31/01/2011 20:02

Nope theres nothing wrong with that at all but if its a mistake you keep making and yes for me to have noticed it then you must have kept making it then I think you reassess your first posts sometimes.

I almost never post my first reaction to an OP - if you want to do that and be that sort of upfront poster then its great - there's a fair few about but dont then measly out of it every time a few posts later - have the courage of your convictions and stand by your posts iyswim.

Bogeyface · 31/01/2011 20:04

Gorgeous, how was that nasty? As far as I can see it was the truth followed by a suggestion of a way you can avoid having to apologise at all! I also noticed this seems to be a habit of yours!

OP, I can totally understand why you are so upset. You were already going to be in a state about her baby, without her rubbing your face in it by her using your chosen name too.

I hope things happen for your soon x

dementedma · 31/01/2011 20:08

I had a name that i always wanted for my son, but i had two DDs. My sis had a DD, then a DS(differnt name) then DS2 who had "my" name! I was a bit pissed off, but then when i eventually produced DS, we just called him something else.
To add insult to injury, they then abbreviated said nice name, which i hate!!
But life goes on, and now my nephew and my DS both have nice names IMO. i do get revenge by refusing to use the abbreviated version though, and always call my nephew by the full version

Original poster

Disappointed1Bambi · 31/01/2011 20:09

Wow! Thank you soooo much to all for your supportive comments. I would just like to re-iterate that I have never been an ?owner of names?. In fact over the last four years, I couldn?t even count the list of potential girl names that we have wiped off the list, or joked that ?another one bites the dust? due to the influx of baby girls friends have had. My DH and I had only ever agreed on one boys name. Ridiculous I know, when still TTC. However, the name put a face to a dream and what had kept me going through my darkest hours.

I think I just need a few more days,re-read your supportive comments again and then go and be the best Aunty I can (and then cry my eyes out in the car as we leave!)
Thank You x

OP posts:

ThePosieParker · 31/01/2011 20:12

How horrid for you. I loved the name my sister picked for her dd, had mine first and found a name I liked better BUT her name was off limits straight away.

I hope everything works out for youxx

GORGEOUSX · 31/01/2011 20:12

falsemessage I'll be any way I want to be. I don't give 2 hoots whether you think your posts through or not. I also don't give 2 hoots if you think apologising is not 'having the courage of your convictions'.

I wasn't aware of any rules which state everyone has to post the way falsemessage would like.

TanteAC · 31/01/2011 20:13

Awthanks mememe

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