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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit [hmm] about calling my ILs 'Mum' and 'Dad'

58 replies

OTheHugeManatee · 31/01/2011 15:30

My soon-to-be ILs are lovely, lovely people and I'm very fond of them. However when we told them we were getting married DP's mother said 'No more [their names], please, Manatee - it's 'Mum' and 'Dad' from now on!'

I already have a Mum and Dad. I know it's really sweet, and says I've been welcomed into the family. I'm just not sure I'll be able to do it, even though I don't want to offend them.

AIBU?

OP posts:
clevercloggs · 31/01/2011 15:33

no i wouldnt like that

i have a mum and dad, In laws were just called by their names, same as my OH does to mine

juneybean · 31/01/2011 15:34

I'm not sure, I don't have a partner nor any in-laws, but in my family it's always been mam and dad for both sets of parents, my auntie calls my nana "mum" too.

BunnyLebowski · 31/01/2011 15:34

YANBU.

They are not your mum and dad. Why would you call them so?

I find it really odd when people do this.

springbokdoc · 31/01/2011 15:35

Definately not being unreasonable. My mom called her ILs Mom and Dad but they were incredibly close and she practically lived at theirs during teenage/early twenties. I would feel massively uncomfortable called my ILs that - I have my own Mom & Dad! They'll also notice that you don't like it as you'll give off non-verbal cues. I'd stick to their names - they probably won't mention it again (hopefully). Sweet thought though.

mutznutz · 31/01/2011 15:36

I think it's a regional thing (perhaps) my Sister married a Geordie and everyone in their area called their inlaws Mum and Dad.

LadyTremaine · 31/01/2011 15:36

I think it's odd too.. youre not your husbands sister!!!

Or... are you? That would be a first for MN!

curlymama · 31/01/2011 15:37

YANBU, I would find it hard to do this, especially as I lost my own Dad.

My Stepdad calls my Gran by the same name that my Mum calls her, but because it's a regional thing and he's not from that region, it just sounds plain wierd! And I think he feels like a tit saying it, because it sounds wrong in the wrong accent. But like you, he didn't want to offend.

I'm sure they are trying to be nice, and it's a lovely gesture from them. Could you just try it when you are not actually with them to see if you could get used to it?

If not, just keep calling them by their names and say 'oops, sorry, I keep forgetting' alot. Hopefully they will think you are being forgetful rather than offensive.

risingstar · 31/01/2011 15:37

yadnbu- my sister started calling her FIL Dad after our dad died.

it freaks me out everytime i hear it- even years on.

i would say- no offence- but i just wouldnt feel comfortable- or i would just keep calling them Fred and Wilma (or whatever!)

Truffkin · 31/01/2011 15:39

YANBU - sweet thought but if you don't feel comfortable then don't do it.

RisingStar LOL at the thought of calling them Fred and Wilma, regardless of their actual names. OP I think you should do this as a compromise Grin

QuintessentialShadows · 31/01/2011 15:39

It is weird. I was actually told that the reason my mil cant stand me, is that I never called her "mum". How could I, when I already have a mum.

LadyTremaine, actually I have to call you on that, it would not be a first.

going · 31/01/2011 15:40

I couldn't do it, wouldn't feel right to me. I would tell them you don't feel comfortable calling them Mum and Dad rahter than feeling akward for years as you try not to refer to them!

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 31/01/2011 15:40

Don't feel bad for not wanting to do it. It's really sweet & welcoming if they say 'Feel free to call us M&D if & when you ever want to' but to tell you that's what you have to do is not on.

Just ignore it time & again or say 'Sorry, but I have a Mum & a Dad and it would feel wrong to call you that'.

upahill · 31/01/2011 15:41

Oh I had this with my MIL. She had been dead a long time but she wanted me to call her mum. I said no I've already got a mum. She more or less said what is special about you, even the lads in the village call me mum.

She refused to let me call her by her name
I refused to call her mum

so for over decade I didn't refer to her by any name.

TrillianAstra · 31/01/2011 15:41

YANBU. I wouldn't want to do it either.

FreeButtonBee · 31/01/2011 15:42

Weird! I wouldn't.

diddl · 31/01/2011 15:42

Will they now call you daughter then, or still refer to you by your name?

I could never call anyone other than my own parents Mum & Dad tbh.

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 31/01/2011 15:44

I wouldn't do it either, just carry on as you are or perhaps say you feel it might upset your own mum and dad?
I could never ever do it!

AMumInScotland · 31/01/2011 15:45

Just say "That's lovely of you, but I don't think I'd be able to get used to it. I hope you don't feel offended if I stick with Fred and Wilma" - unless they are very odd or quick to take offense, they shouldn't have a problem with it.

I don't think it's "odd" to call ILs "mum" and "dad", or odd not to - it just depends what you feel comfortable with. FWIW DH calls my parents by their first names, and I (when I have to) call MIL "mum" because calling her by her first name seems even more odd than "mum". But I avoid it most of the time by saying "your mum" or "your grandma" anyway...

onceamai · 31/01/2011 15:45

I think it would be better to explain that you have a mum and dad and leave it at that else this could fester, and YANBU. Oddly after 20 years the IL's (now just MIL) still call my mother and sd "your mum and dad". They cannot get their heads around the fact that my sd is called Roger - he's not my dad, never was, never can be so never called it. Neither does that take away from the fact that he's one of the most decent and kind people on the planet but he isn't my dad.

upahill · 31/01/2011 15:48

Amuminscotland. My MIL was odd- mostly in a nice way but she did take the huge offence when I refused to call her mum.

It was one of our battles.

Tummytuckrequired · 31/01/2011 15:51

My in laws are quite old fashioned and started signing my birthday cards Mum and Dad etc and asking me to call them Mum and Dad.

I politely ignored them and continued to call them by their names. They got the hint and now sign their names in the birthday cards etc..

I think if you just keep on calling them by their Christian names they will get the hint

bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 15:53

I would say its a regional thing, and also a generational one too. Years ago we didnt call anyone by their first name, or rarely anyway. So your MIL was Mrs "xxx" till you got married, and then you would call her mum.

I call my MIL mum, but we are very close and my own mum has passed away, and she is the nearest thing I have to a mum now, and treats me like a daughter rather than a DIL.

Original poster
OTheHugeManatee · 31/01/2011 15:54

Hmm. I'm not sure it horrifies me exactly, it just feels a bit odd.

I think it's a regional thing - they're from Liverpool, and everyone up there seems to be Auntie or Uncle this or that, even if they're not related. Perhaps it's a bit like that.

OP posts:
GrimmaTheNome · 31/01/2011 15:57

My ILs never said what they wanted me to call them. I pretty much avoided calling them anything, made DH write the xmas and b'day cards to them. When we had DD it became natural to refer to them as Granny and Grandpa (my own being long dead!)

GwendolineMaryLacey · 31/01/2011 16:00

Ooh no, I absolutely couldn't. Luckily it never came up and cards to me and DH are signed Mum and Dad/Bonnie and Clyde.

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