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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit [hmm] about calling my ILs 'Mum' and 'Dad'

58 replies

OTheHugeManatee · 31/01/2011 15:30

My soon-to-be ILs are lovely, lovely people and I'm very fond of them. However when we told them we were getting married DP's mother said 'No more [their names], please, Manatee - it's 'Mum' and 'Dad' from now on!'

I already have a Mum and Dad. I know it's really sweet, and says I've been welcomed into the family. I'm just not sure I'll be able to do it, even though I don't want to offend them.

AIBU?

OP posts:

melikalikimaka · 31/01/2011 16:02

No, I would insist to call them by their first name eg. Maura and John. It is a very tricky situation and I was never invited to call them anything. Sadly, MIL no longer with us but I would gladly call my FIL 'miserable ole bastard', with all my heart!

mamasmissionimpossible · 31/01/2011 16:04

My MIL does this, I am really uncomfortable about calling her 'mum', as I already have a real Mum.

She says 'I am like a daughter to her' which sounds lovely. I feel it's a bit creepy, especially as she already has a dd.

GrimmaTheNome · 31/01/2011 16:07

My DH called my mother 'Mrs xxx' for years, till he managed to more or less avoid talking to her at all, but I don't particularly recommend that option!

OpenAmyrillis · 31/01/2011 16:13

My DP called my Mum 'Mum' the other day much to our amusement, I think it just slipped out

Original poster

OTheHugeManatee · 31/01/2011 16:14

My mum recently called DP by my stepfather's name.

That said, she calls me by my stepfather's name too sometimes. I think she just cycles through names at random until one sticks.

OP posts:

OpenAmyrillis · 31/01/2011 16:18

My DG who is getting on a bit phones us up and then goes through all of our names (in the extended family too) until she gets you. I have been called the names of dead relatives...awkward

Original poster

OTheHugeManatee · 31/01/2011 16:23

I think grandmothers are excused. I went to see my 97-year-old grandmother at the weekend, and had quite a long chat with her before I realised she thought I was my mum.

OP posts:

nickelthenaughtybutnicefairy · 31/01/2011 16:24

I wouldn't call DH's mum mum - it's weird even referring to her by her name, cos the home call her her first name (and we always knew her by her middle name) and at church they always ask after her by saying "how's your mum?"
If i did call her mum, she'd think i was DH's sister (which she sometimes thinks anyway when she's confused)

disclaimer - his mum is in an old folk's home, this isn't just me calling her odd.

AMumInScotland · 31/01/2011 16:28

nickel - do the home know she used to mostly be called by her middle name? We had this when my Nan changed homes - they called her by her original name, which she hadn't used since her twenties, and wondered why she didn't respond

PrettyCandles · 31/01/2011 16:32

If I had a good, loving relationship with my ILs, I might not mind calling them mum and dad, even though I agree that I already have my own, real, mum and dad. It's not freaky. But if it feels wrong, then don't.

My MIL keeps referring to her dh as 'your dad'. She apologises if she realises what she has said. I think that it is probably just habit, but that she would be chuffed if I called them mum and dad. I don't think she would ever ask me tO do so, though. And I doubt I ever will, however well we now seem to get on: they hurt us too badly in the early years of our marriage, and I feel that they still play status games with me.

I know that my own parents considered themselves to have gained a daughter when my brother married. They didn't expect her to call them mum and dad, but wouldn't have disliked it. To their minds they were welcoming her to our family. She turned out, however, to be a really nasty piece. Result: when I got married they did not refer to having gained a son, even though I know that that is how they would have liked to feel, but they were afraid.

pointylug · 31/01/2011 16:41

SOujds like they heard that on a 70s sit-com.

No, I wouldn't call the ils mum and dad.

However, I had a devil of a job with just calling them by their names. They wanted Mr and Mrs for years. Seriously.

pointylug · 31/01/2011 16:41

ah, grimma, isee your similar experience

kaj32 · 31/01/2011 16:46

My brother calls his mil ish as in mamish.

They are very close but he still drew the line at calling her mam.

It's down to what makes you comfortable really so if you are not happy then yanbu.

kayah · 31/01/2011 16:47

all depends on the culture
in some that what happens

Eglu · 31/01/2011 16:48

I wouldn't like that. My IL's did start writing Mum and Dad in my birthday cards, but I don't mind that at all. They would never expect me to call them Mum and Dad.

nickelthenaughtybutnicefairy · 31/01/2011 16:50

AMum - I don't know if they do know - i can't remember why she's MiddleName - I think her first name was the same as her mum's, so she's always been MiddleName - the home didn't ask, but she didn't seem to notice (although I'm convinced that it might have made a difference to how quickly she went, mentally)
I couldn't tell you whether she realises or not, as when she went into the home she was very poorly, and now they're used to it (even more cos they already had a lady called FirstName)

nickelthenaughtybutnicefairy · 31/01/2011 16:53

sorry, wanted to add - DH and his family never questioned it, because of course they knew her name aws FirstName, and i don't think it had occurred to them that it might make a difference ("well, that is her name, i think she knows what her name is, etc")

but she's been MiddleName for most of her life, and all her cards at birthday and christmas are addressed to MiddleName, and noone's noticed....

They sent a card to DH and me at christmas, that had obviously been made by the staff, and it was signed "love from FirstName" - which had the effect of making me cry, because to all intents and purposes, that is not her name, and it made it feel so contrived and made up.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 31/01/2011 16:55

My ILs would have liked me to call them Mum and Dad I think - my BIL calls them that (he's married to DH's sister). BIL's parents are dead though and I don't think he saw them much before that, I know his Dad wasn't at his wedding for example - so perhaps understandable that he calls them Mum and Dad.

Shortly after we were married, MIL rang up and when I answered she said 'hello it's Mummy calling'. I was stumped and didn't say anything, just thinking 'eh that's not Mum'. Then I realised who it was and said 'oh sorry (MIL's name) I didn't realise it was you.'
Fortunately she took the hint and didn't get offended.

Original poster

OTheHugeManatee · 31/01/2011 16:56

Nickel Do people really call old people in homes by their first names? I find that odd.

At my grandmother's home all the residents are 'Mrs X', or 'Mr Y'. I wouldn't call someone of my grandmother's generation (or even younger...) by their first name without permission. It seems disrespectful to me.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 31/01/2011 17:06

Nickel - it's sad, isn't it. I think we were conscious of it with Nan because she really hated her original given name. I do find it undignified that they use first names for people who would never have used them with almost-strangers when they had the choice.

sockmonkey · 31/01/2011 17:24

DSis & BIL have been married 15 years, and BIL wont address either of my parents by any name. I think it's quite funny (although I do the same with my MIL). Can't bring myself to call her Mum, but calling her by first name seems a bit cold.

nickelthenaughtybutnicefairy · 31/01/2011 17:25

Manatee - i think it's because it makes them feel more at home and less like they're in a hospital - I agree with doing it that way - makes it more personal.

Mum don't know what she thought of her original name ,but she was 85? when she went in the home ,and that's a lot of years to suddenly be called something new.

I just wish that, instead of clearly going "oh her name is FirstName Surname, they had put something on the form (or asked the family in person) "what does she prefer to be called?")
it's almost like assuming that a Herbert is Herbie when he's always been known as Bert.
or Frederick as Fred when he's always been Rick.

motheroftwoboys · 31/01/2011 17:30

My mum and dad are dead, I have been married for 20 years and I am a Geordie but wouldn't dream of calling my parents in law Mum and Dad. I just call them by their first name.

candyshop · 31/01/2011 19:20

YANBU

I wouldn't dream of calling my PILs mum & dad, as others have said I already have a mum & dad!

MIL does make a habit of signing my birthday cards "mum & dad" though, not sure if she's dropping a little hint there, but I'll never call her anything except her first name!

Ria28 · 31/01/2011 23:40

YANBU

My uncle does call my gran 'mother-in-law' or 'mumsy' for short, but that's as a joke. Maybe you could call her 'mil'

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