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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think DH is being a childish twat?

96 replies

MildredTheMagnificent · 30/01/2011 20:38

...he is currently sulking in the bedroom over this.

Earlier this evening he was folding up DD's clean duvet - she (6yo) was egging him on to throw it at/over her - so he did - not unfolded and gently, but folded up and straight in her face from about 4 feet away.

He hadn't noticed she had a spoon in her mouth as was eating a yoghurt, and jarred it which hurt her a little bit - these things happen and as I said she'd been egging him on, but I think he was daft to throw it like that, especially as she wears glasses too.

I told him as much and he has stormed off to our bedroom, been frosty with DD, and accused me of always 'siding' with and 'smothering' her. Apparently if she's upset I should let her get on with it so she 'toughens up'.

I told him that I was bought up with unconditional love and support when I wanted/needed it and that was they way I would bring up my daughter.

Obviously it's all got well out of hand for such a relatively trivial thing, but was I really so unreasonable to call him on it for doing something so daft? He has 2 brothers and his mum is quite anti-women so I just don't think he knows how to relate to females tbh.

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 31/01/2011 09:57

OK, I seem to have missed the bit where he took his sulk out on the child and said "whatever" when she said goodnight. Throwing the duvet and not expecting a bollocking for it, fair enough. Blanking a child because of it, not acceptable. If he has issue with your recation, he should take that up with you, not your DD.

Right, read all your posts properly now Blush.

I'm still Shock that his therapist apparently said his anger management is your fault!! Huge red flag for me.

So I retract my earlier post, he is a twat and needs more therapy. He's more of a child than your DD.

chipmonkey · 31/01/2011 10:14

I don't believe for one minute that the therapist told him that. He is making that up.

thumbdabwitch · 31/01/2011 10:17

Yep, absolutely agree that he is making that bit up. Or twisting something the therapist may have said to make it suit his own book.

Onetoomanycornettos · 31/01/2011 10:31

I see this a little differently.

Of course, in hindsight, it wasn't a good plan to throw the duvet in that way, but I don't see it in any way as aggressive, just larking around, a misjudgement and then the fall-out. Happens sometimes in our house, I go to tickle someone and I don't see they are eating and they choke a bit, or someone throws something harder and it hurts the other person.

No big deal, IF the person apologizes and shows concern for the hurt person.

However, although he was in the wrong here, your comment just added a bit of fuel to the fire. Personally I'd have left him to say sorry rather than tell him he was in the wrong.

It sounds like your relationship issues and how you feel about each other are spilling into your interactions with and around the children. That's bad for everyone and I don't think that's just one person (given what you have said about the relationship). He was very childish in his reaction, and I would definitely call him withdrawing like that. BUT, you admit yourself that there is some rivalry over your daughter and normally they are very close. So, perhaps that withdrawing was just one of those things, even I have times where I just have to get away from the children or have just gone beyond being nice if I reach the the end of my tether.

This is just part of something bigger.

thelibster · 31/01/2011 10:34

I feel so sorry for your DD and your DH is behaving very childishly and should in no way be taking it out on your DD and dragging her into something which should just be between the two of you. But, if you ticked him off for his original behaviour in front of your DD then that was very wrong. Sorry.

Mumcentreplus · 31/01/2011 10:34

Well said Onetoo

AgentZigzag · 31/01/2011 13:53

'So I retract my earlier post'

Very refreshing to see someone say that on AIBU.

I'm a skim reader and miss lots of crucial details too sometimes Grin

Original poster
MildredTheMagnificent · 31/01/2011 14:25

Thank you for your responses - I wasn't expecting so many Smile.

I will willingly hold my hand up and admit I called him on the duvet throwing a bit too quickly - he did say sorry to DD straightaway as he hadn't realised about the spoon, and my reaction was "well, it was a bloody stupid thing to do in the first place from so close and with her wearing glasses." Probably a bit OTT and somewhat fuelled by the fact I'm not particularly happy with 'us' at the moment if I'm honest.

As for his reaction afterwards - I have taken 14 years of his sulks and moods but seeing him doing it to DD is horrible and it does scare her - she's told me so in those exact words.

Sadly I don't think he sees what he is doing as wrong or would be in any way willing to take any kind of responsibility for it (this is why I think it's learned behaviour from his own childhood).

He was ok with her this morning but still giving me the silent treatment. I may apologize for jumping down his throat later and try and instigate a dialogue about his other issues. Based on previous experience I doubt very much whether I'll get anywhere but we'll see.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 31/01/2011 16:15

Well said Onetoomanycornettos

If you could see my and my little lad messing aroung you would be shocked (he is only 2.5yrs) and yes i throw duvets on him i also throw him onto the settee, bed etc. We have some fun rugth and tumble moments but when he said sorry to your daughter why did you feel the need to carry on?

I can understand why he with drew from you but he still should not of involved your daughter in that way.

MrSpoc · 31/01/2011 16:16

i dont think you need to discuss his other issues, may be you need to look at your own first.

AgentZigzag · 31/01/2011 17:31

There is a need for the OP to discuss her DHs other issues MrSpoc, especially the way he chooses to express his anger and frustration towards his wife by taking it out on their child.

The reason they need to be discussed is because believing that 'punishing' your daughter for something your wife said to you is unacceptable behaviour.

He did it so that the next time the OP is going to say something that criticises him she'll think twice, and remember he throws tantrums and sulks with her and her DD.

It's to shut her up.

If he does this, the other issues he has all come as a package and need dealing with if the OP is to spend time with him.

PrincessScrumpy · 31/01/2011 17:47

Sounds to me like he's feeling guilty that her hurt her and just wanted to play with her - was daft but men tend to be (imo). I would be glad he wants something to do with dd. Really not a big issue.

tomhardyismydh · 31/01/2011 19:36

mrspoc have read the whole thread Hmm I think his issues very much do need to be addressed and discussed. Op has held her hand up and said ok she may have been a little UR. I for one dont agree she was.

Original poster
MildredTheMagnificent · 31/01/2011 20:59

So...quick update. As soon as we were both home got him on his own and admitted I might have been a bit ott with my initial whine about the duvet throwing, but said I thought his reaction, especially to DD was equally unreasonable and needed some thought/discussion. All done v. calmly.

As I guessed he refused to discuss or accept any responsibility. As soon as I came down from putting DD to bed, he went upstairs for a bath and has now gone to bed.

He also has kicked off about me taking DD to see my parents every Sunday. It's fine all summer when he's playing cricket, but come winter it seems we are supposed to kick them to the kerb and revolve around him. Me & DD were invited to get together with our friends (mum & daughter from school) for a couple of hours on Saturday, which apparently is only acceptable if I don't see my parents on Sunday. Had the same row a couple of weeks ago when I took her to a show on the Saturday (arranged months ago - asked DH if he wanted to come and he declined).

OP posts:
brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 21:51

oh mildred, he is such a pig get rid

AgentZigzag · 31/01/2011 21:55

Sounds like he thinks he's your parent, trying to tell you you can only go out for a certain amount of time??

It's not something I would find easy to live with, and like you sound to be doing, I would want to be asserting at every possible moment that I'm an adult and he can't tell me what to do.

Original poster
MildredTheMagnificent · 31/01/2011 22:05

The thing that really winds me up is that a couple if yrs ago when dd's birthday fell on a Sunday and I wanted to have her party the same day he refused point blank to give up a day's cricket. When I told him I thought he was totally out of order he threw an almighty hissy fit, and since he was driving us both at the time I had to back down and pacify him before he caused an accident. I actually can't believe i've put up with what I have for so long, although circumstances have largely dictated a certain amount of 'put up and shut up'.

When he went off on one about my olds he told me I should pack mine & dd's bags and move in with them 'then they can pay for your upkeep!' Shock

Writing is on the wall really - is just a case of practicalities, timing & courage.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 31/01/2011 22:07

'he told me I should pack mine & dd's bags and move in with them 'then they can pay for your upkeep!'

You need to call his bluff on that one, the cheeky fuck!

You're obviously not worth the money he's paying out for you both Hmm

brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 22:09

So, could you move in with your parents for a bit? while you sort out the practicalities? Or actually, fuck that, make him move out to HIS parents!!! What a controlling fuckwit

AgentZigzag · 31/01/2011 22:12

He must have postitive points or you wouldn't have stayed with him for so long, but the question is do those positives outweigh the negatives for you at the moment?

And if they don't, what are the chances of him changing his behaviour?

Original poster
MildredTheMagnificent · 31/01/2011 22:13

Money is a huge issue for him. He pays mortgage & bills. I insure car, pay for food, breakfast club, all dd's expenses and my personal expenses and usually either give him 50-100 quid towards bills each month, or cover an occasional expense (so would pay for one of dd's termly clubs rather than bills money some months). I work p/t term time only in a clerical role, so I don't think that's a particularly unreasonable contribution.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 31/01/2011 22:17

Blimey.

Dh and I are a team, it's our money for our family. We discuss and agree on large expenditure other than that I look after the finances, we both have access to all accounts. We share one credit card etc etc etc

As for the cricket thing completely and utterly nuts. Send him out to cricket training in the winter!

brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 22:17

i think that is a perfectly fine contribution, i contribute fuck all, i dont expect my DP to hold that against me. You sound so desperately unhappy with this man, but you are angry - can you think of any good points? any reason why you would want to work through this?

tomhardyismydh · 31/01/2011 22:24

he is a PIG, you need to be thinking what the future is and tell him counceling or you are gone.

Original poster
MildredTheMagnificent · 31/01/2011 22:24

Brightlight - tbh other than for the sake of DD and not having to go through the physical & emotional upheaval of leaving, no I can't think of any reason to work through this anymore.

I have had some official advice recently. I know when the time comes he & his mother will be horrendous - they certainly won't want me to get anything financially and will probably use DD to wind me up - it's not a pleasant thought, and one reason why I can't move back to my parents - they are in their 70's and their health is erratic - I can't put them through live-in aggravation too!

OP posts: