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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think DH is being a childish twat?

96 replies

MildredTheMagnificent · 30/01/2011 20:38

...he is currently sulking in the bedroom over this.

Earlier this evening he was folding up DD's clean duvet - she (6yo) was egging him on to throw it at/over her - so he did - not unfolded and gently, but folded up and straight in her face from about 4 feet away.

He hadn't noticed she had a spoon in her mouth as was eating a yoghurt, and jarred it which hurt her a little bit - these things happen and as I said she'd been egging him on, but I think he was daft to throw it like that, especially as she wears glasses too.

I told him as much and he has stormed off to our bedroom, been frosty with DD, and accused me of always 'siding' with and 'smothering' her. Apparently if she's upset I should let her get on with it so she 'toughens up'.

I told him that I was bought up with unconditional love and support when I wanted/needed it and that was they way I would bring up my daughter.

Obviously it's all got well out of hand for such a relatively trivial thing, but was I really so unreasonable to call him on it for doing something so daft? He has 2 brothers and his mum is quite anti-women so I just don't think he knows how to relate to females tbh.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 30/01/2011 21:13

I'm nodding at your post here brighlight.

Spot on.

Original poster
MildredTheMagnificent · 30/01/2011 21:14

I suspect he is emulating his mother's behaviour. She believes 100% that anything she says/does/thinks/organises is is right and there is no other way. He will not believe anything negative I've told him about my relationship with her, has let her verbally abuse me on countless occasions (sometimes in front of our DD - as far as he's concerned it's between us and nothing to do with him), and absolutely will not say 'no' to her on any issue whatsoever. He seems terrifed of her and I can only assume this must go back to his childhood - that she would withold love/affection if she didn't get her own way.

OP posts:
Original poster
MildredTheMagnificent · 30/01/2011 21:16

She did approach him a couple of times before asking me. First she asked him to come back downstairs and watch TV with us ("No, I can't be bothered - your mother just wraps you in cotton wool and takes your side all the time")
The to say she was going to bed and night, night ("Whatever" and a peck on the cheek but no cuddles) Sad.

Most times he really is a lovely Dad with her, but as soon as he doesn't get his own way, or I do something he doesn't like - boom, off we go again.

OP posts:
brightlightsandpromise · 30/01/2011 21:17

I assume that your assumption about her is based on the fact that this is what HE does to you and your DC. He really REALLY needs to sort himself out becuse if he doesn't then, regardless of what happens between the two of you, this is seriuosly going to affect his children. They will give up on him and he will become a lonely old man.

brightlightsandpromise · 30/01/2011 21:20

I honestly want to come to your house and punch this guy in the face! What an arrogant fucking bully - "takes your side!" She is a six year old little girl, he should be on her side, he needs to grow up. Poor little lamb - at least she has a lovely loving mum who will stand by her. You know what, you shodlnt be taking your daughters side YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO

thumbdabwitch · 30/01/2011 21:20

that is quite Shock - throwing a packed piece of cloth is quite a hefty weight and even if he didn't know she had a spoon in her mouth, he shouldn't do that to anyone wearing glasses!

DH threw his wet swimming trunks in my face the other day - balled up tight. They caused my glasses to bruise my face slightly. I had admittedly thrown them at him a few moments earlier (it was meant to be fun!), but not balled up - and he had no glasses on. He claimed he didn't ball them up but I had seen them fully scrunched up in his hand before he threw them, so he was lying. He did apologise though.

I am :( for your DD that he feels this was an ok thing to do to a 6yo and that she was then scared to speak to him without your intervention before she went to bed - that should be a wake-up call for him, that he scares his own DD! isn't it? Does he not realise how he is jeopardising his relationship with her?

The thing with your MIL is pretty twisted, actually and he ought to do something about it.

tomhardyismydh · 30/01/2011 21:21

I dont understand the case of sides between a parent and child. He is Bullying your dd. he should always be on her side. does he also accuse her of siding with you?

Original poster
MildredTheMagnificent · 30/01/2011 21:25

I won't defend him over many things but I am certain that the throwing of the duvet was sheer thoughtlessness.

Otherwise - it's nice to know I'm not going completely bonkers.

brightlights - I basically said to him what you said in your last post - 'That is what mothers do - it's called unconditional love and I won't bring my child up any other way'

Be interesting to see how long the sulking goes on for this time.

Anyway, must change back to my usual name (I only use this one to rant about him!), and do something a bit more light-hearted I think.

My lovely DD had lots of laughs and snuggles with me at bedtime and is now happily in the land of nod which is the main thing (and I have wine leftover from last night which isn't bad either Wink!)

OP posts:
Original poster
MildredTheMagnificent · 30/01/2011 21:27

tomhardy - I think he is a bit jealous of our closeness, and extremely jealous of the relationship she enjoys with my parents (FWIW I have always done by best to enable her to have a relationship with his parents in spite of the fact that his mum is a horror to me - FIL is a sweetheart)

OP posts:
tomhardyismydh · 30/01/2011 21:31

sounds like he is, i hope you get this sorted its no way to live as a family, Sad for dd. she does not deserve this.

brightlightsandpromise · 30/01/2011 21:37

I am going to admit to something here and it doesnt make me feel very good. Sometimes i feel jealous of the relationship that my DP has with DD. They are so close and sometimes i feel pushed out, i think i have in the past made a bratty comment about me taking second place to her. It was a wicked horrible thing to say and i wished i could unsay it as soon as it came out of my mouth. I ADORE my DD and i also adore the relationship she has with DP, its just the best thing in the world to witness. I have learnt to be grateful for it too. Saying that, i would never behave the way your DH has behaved tonight, i would rather chew off my own arm than have my DD scared to talk to me. My DP isnt on my DDs side, we both are.

monkeyflippers · 30/01/2011 21:40

Wow, it really sounds like he is repeating the behavior of his mum. He was withholding affection from your DD (by not cuddling her when she was hurt of before she went to bed) just like his mum would with him. Can he not see that? I guess you just can't get him to listen.

By the way, a therapist (any qualified actual real one) would never say that. My ex who had serious issues went to a counsellor and came back saying that she said if I left him just because of what he had done then that meant there was something wrong with me and couldn't have really loved him anyway. What bullshit!

He sounds incredibly childish with some real issues but if he won't even admit there is a problem I don't know what you can do?

MoaningMedalllist · 30/01/2011 21:42

I hate people who vent at their kids

let him sulk , however in his defense (he needs one)

maybe he felt undermined if you did it infront of her

brightlightsandpromise · 30/01/2011 21:43

I agree re the counsellor, i had to see a counsellor and i would get really pissed off with her when i used to moan about DP. She would never ever let me put the blame on him, even if at times he was wrong, but only ever examine the way i reacted to it.

MadAboutQuavers · 30/01/2011 22:11

If my DP had said "whatever" to my DC when she went to say goodnight to him, I'd be in his face so fast he would not know what had hit him. Seriously, I'd have torn his head off and thrown it at him

Adults who bully children are despicable. There is NEVER any excuse for it Angry

InPraiseOfBacchus · 30/01/2011 22:44

I agree with MadAboutQuavers, the "whatever" line shocked me more than the throwing! That's inexcusable. If that had been me as a child, that would have left me utterly shattered.

He's punishing dd for your reaction to the incident. Sounds like part of him wants to emotionally blackmail dd into not getting him into trouble with you... or indirectly blackmail you by making you watch him snark at your daughter.

As for the throwing things around in frustration, my XP did this. I quickly realised that it was a display of aggression, designed to hint at physical violence without going so far as to throw anything in my direction. I never ever actually felt in danger of being injured myself, but it frightened me in a similar way, as I'm sure it was meant to. Imagine how frightening it would be for a little girl to watch her dad behave like that.

Please don't let him throw his weight around like this.

mamas12 · 30/01/2011 22:58

It sounds like learned emotional blackmail.
If he told you what the therapist said and you didn't find out from an independant source then quite frankly I don't believe it.

An adult sulker is just a shit by any other name.

Refuse to let him. Tell him he is being a childish twat and he has half an hour to grow up and talk to you or sleep on the sofa tonight you can't deal with another child.

squareheadcut · 30/01/2011 23:05

i agree with altinkum YABU

AnnieLobeseder · 30/01/2011 23:06

I'm sure he realised after he'd done it was a silly thing to do. I've done similar things playing with my DDs. He didn't need you to point it out to him as if he was a child. The reason he's acting like a child now is that you treated him like one. She his daughter too - you don't get to have the veto vote on how she is treated.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 30/01/2011 23:13

I think most DH's do similar things to this....mine crtainly does! They don't realise their strength and they forget how small the kids are...it's ok..just do as I do and save it up till later.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 30/01/2011 23:14

Poor little thing - his behaviour towards her this evening would have been unacceptable even if she had been misbehaving, but to take out his anger towards you, on her, is just totally unforgiveable.

Telling her he wasn't going to watch TV with her because you 'wrap her in cotton wool and take her side' what a nasty, childish twat.

'Whatever'... really, to a 6 year old at bedtime??

Her needing to ask you to talk to him so he will say goodnight to her....

Honestly, I would kick his arse to the kerb. Couldn't be done with it.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 30/01/2011 23:19

Some of you astound me - the fact that you think this is an acceptable way to treat a small child - refuse to come and watch TV with her because her Mum loves her, say 'whatever' when she says goodnight to him... tells her she needs to toughen up because he hurt her.

AgentZigzag · 30/01/2011 23:27

'you don't get to have the veto vote on how she is treated'

She does if he's being a fucking twat annie, y'know, protecting her child from him being a petty brat.

MadAboutQuavers · 30/01/2011 23:44

What utter rubbish Annie

He has a choice

He's behaving like a child because he's immature and self-centred, not because of anything his wife has said

PigValentine · 30/01/2011 23:57

If there were no other issues, this would be a non-event.

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