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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say, well actually no you dont.

103 replies

OutOutLetItAllOut · 30/01/2011 16:42

posted a while ago about a friend who was having a gastric band.
background, she was 17 stone. through lack of exercise and eating everything that sat still. she kept saying she didnt know why she was big, but it was not her fault. went to dr, who told her to try xyz, she didnt, went back, lied, said she had done all they asked of her. they eventually gave her a gastric band. she done nothing to loose the weight properly, until they said she had to be under 16 to be allowed the op.
well she has had it.
and now she is driving me mad.
she eats constantly.
all shit.
then moans.
im trying to loose weight, the 'normal' way. and she keeps telling me she knows how hard it is.
no love you dont.

OP posts:
alicet · 30/01/2011 17:02

I was going to come on and say the same things as crashingwaves although from a doctors rather than patients experience.

A gastric band is NOT an easy fix. While you may lose weight quickly if you are motivated it is not difficult to put it back on again if you persist in eating crap.

If I were you I would ignore your friend and concentrate on losing weight yourself as you are doing with sensible healthy eating and exercise

hoovercraft · 30/01/2011 17:03

everyone lies on diet sheets

Original poster
OutOutLetItAllOut · 30/01/2011 17:04

muntz, i am doing it. it is slow and boring, but i am.
i have lost more than she has, and i am loosing slowly,( very slowly).
and that with no surgery.
but that tells me that there is something wrong with how she is doing since the op.

OP posts:
thumbdabwitch · 30/01/2011 17:04

OutOut - I remember your original thread on this - you came across as someone who was highly exasperated that your friend was being so un-responsible for her own condition. But you obviously cared about her.

You obviously still do - you are right, if she doesn't mend her eating habits, she IS going to be ill and she COULD cause herself major harm - overeating with a gastric band is very dangerous.

How are you managing to lose weight yourself? Are you doing gentle exercise, are you going to a slimming club, or are you doing it just through food restriction on your own? Because, if you are doing the former 2 activities, you could take your friend along with you. Or at least suggest to her that she comes too. And if you're not doing them yet, perhaps you could suggest that you start together?

WEight is a highly emotive issue - so difficult to deal with. I understand your frustration but do you understand why she is refusing to take any responsibility for her own health? Is she very depressed, has she had a bad life and uses food as an escape? Because if she has any kind of unhealthy relationship with food then nothing you do or say is going to make the slightest bit of difference to her, in which case, for your own sanity, you might want to reduce the number of times you see her or become determinedly indifferent to how she handles her own health and weight loss.

mutznutz · 30/01/2011 17:06

I'm glad you're doing it slowly but I asked you...Did you listen to anyone who told you that you're going to make yourself ill by over eating? The strain on your heart, joints, increased risk of diabeties etc?

Ok so your friend isn't listening to medical advice...but then nor did you when you were over eating.

Not everyone does what the Dr tells them...or we'd all be tee total, mung bean eating exercise freaks.

Original poster
OutOutLetItAllOut · 30/01/2011 17:07

thumb. i love the very bones of her.
she is my kids god mother. she is the best friend i know.
but she is making herself ill.
and she will not listen.
her mum is worried about her.
i offered to go to weight watchers, or slimming world with her, i offered to join a womens only gym with her, i asked her to get councilling b4 the op, to try and see the root of any problems.
she wouldnt do any of it.

i am doing it, but sticking to a 1500 cal diet, and doing 30 mins exercise a day. nothing exciting. but i have lost 20 lbs.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 30/01/2011 17:07

Mutznutz, perhaps because the OP apparently is changing her diet etc?

Original poster
OutOutLetItAllOut · 30/01/2011 17:09

muntz, i knew i was hurting myself and had to do something. i ws not as over wieight, but still far to heavy.
when i went to the dr to get advice, i took the advice i was given, i didnt ignore it.

OP posts:
Original poster
OutOutLetItAllOut · 30/01/2011 17:09

no idea where the n came from. im cold and have fat fingeritis

OP posts:
crashingwaves · 30/01/2011 17:10

The problem is that you don't know what the reality of living with the band will be like until you have one! It's easy to say "your choice" but then it's her choice not to follow the reccommendations as well, surely. I am not trying to be objectionable but I am just pointing out the same issues that existed before surgery regarding over-eating will still exist after surgery, and I wasn't even "that" big (compared to most people who have the band fitted, I sure felt bloody huge!)

I don't know why people who eat too much are treated so patronisingly to be honest Hmm after all we generally accept we can't treat anorexia with "buy some chips, love," so why do people think telling someone who has hit 17/18/19 stone "eat less, move more" is going to make them say "oh yeah ... never thought of THAT!"

mutznutz · 30/01/2011 17:11

That's not the poin I'm making SoupDragon

My point is, hardly anyone listens to medical advice when it comes to weight issues. The OP didn't (ok eventually) but that's not where her friend is at, at the moment.

thumbdabwitch · 30/01/2011 17:12

That is very sad, OutOut. Especially as she does clearly have some issues. Does she live by herself, is that why she refuses to cook?

I have to say, my sister is a lot like your friend (without the gastric band though) and when she was with her now exH, they lived on takeaways 6 days out of 7 - they had a sunday roast and that was it. Turns out, she couldn't cook. I offered to give her lessons in basic cookery, but she wasn't that interested. However - when she had her DC, suddenly it became imperative that she sorted this out - so she has been to cookery classes and learnt how to make some basic stuff (when I say she couldn't cook, I mean she didn't even know how to cook pasta Shock)

So, I don't know, might be worth seeing if she has cooking ishoos?

Well done on losing your 20lb, by the way - that's good going.

Chandon · 30/01/2011 17:14

I think you are cross, because you care about her.

Not sure what you can do, maybe avoid the conversation topic of diets?

mutznutz · 30/01/2011 17:14

so why do people think telling someone who has hit 17/18/19 stone "eat less, move more" is going to make them say "oh yeah ... never thought of THAT!

I don't think anyone does do they?

Either way, eventually it's what has to happen if that person wants to lose weight and keep it off.

Original poster
OutOutLetItAllOut · 30/01/2011 17:14

thumb, she can cook. we have known each other that long, that we learnt together!
i dont think its cooking that is the issue.
i think its more. im no dr, but i think she needs to find out what her issues with food are.

( still got about 10 to go.) but thanks!

OP posts:
crashingwaves · 30/01/2011 17:18

Mutznutz, yes, absolutely just as an anorexic would have to eat more in order to gain weight. However while the actual process is simple enough the psychology behind eating too much is usually pretty complex (it has to be, to reach that sort of weight) and I think it's better to be understanding and kind and not to judge ... my only points are that a band isn't an easy way, that you can have a band and still struggle with a diet the way a non banded person would :) I certainly do!

thumbdabwitch · 30/01/2011 17:19

I agree with you. She needs to come at this from a different angle and see what is causing her to self-destruct in this fashion.

I don't suppose you could have her to stay with you for a week, could you - maybe feeding her home-cooked food for a week might re-ignite her tastebuds for it?

Argh - I hope she does find a way to deal with it because it is so very painful watching someone you care about do things like this to themselves!
I know - watching my Mum eat all the wrong things despite being morbidly obese and having type II diabetes was painful; and losing her to colon cancer (quite possibly due to her poor eating habits and her constantly high sugar levels would have fed the tumour) was horrible.

QODthesurrogacytrendsetter · 30/01/2011 17:38

How heavy were you before you started dieting outout?

Original poster
OutOutLetItAllOut · 30/01/2011 17:56

At my heaviest ever i was over 16. I got to about 14. With not doing much. Then from there i am where i am now.

OP posts:
catinthehat2 · 30/01/2011 18:01

Out -
re yr 17.07 post

sometimes there really isn't anything you can do. hard to accept, but perhaps you just have to back off & leave her to it? enjoy your friend as she is and try not to be too disturbed/angry/sad about the way she is mistreating herself

clevercloggs · 30/01/2011 18:05

im surprised she hasnt lost much, i thought it was pretty much the point of it that the weight fell off with minimum effort

I know a friend at work has it and she looks amazing

Original poster
OutOutLetItAllOut · 30/01/2011 18:06

I think you might be right cat.

OP posts:
Original poster
OutOutLetItAllOut · 30/01/2011 18:08

Clever, it works if you follow the advice you are given. And put the work in.

OP posts:
QODthesurrogacytrendsetter · 30/01/2011 18:09

I just wondered as I have had a few size 12 - 14 friends tell me how easy it is to diet LOL

But seriously, I do feel the pct or hospital she had her band done at are a bit to fault, I had to see a psychiatrist and dietician and prove I had actually tried over the years... I spent 2 years going to the Drs surgery every month to a weight loss clinic,lost 3 stone - whilst just starting out on thyroxine and also taking appetite supressants. Was taken ill and then the withdrew the medication ... and slowly all the weight has gone back on - plus another stone. You truly don't see it happening.
ANyway, my point is, that I knew the band wouldn't suit me, we discussed how I eat, what makes me eat, what I eat etc and I knew I could "cheat" with a band. My bro in law helpfully told me about his and dh's cousin who eats everything she wants then vomits just by tipping herself over... yeah - not good. I acknowledge I have an eating disorder. In some peoples eyes that's crap, in others, it's how it is.
I want to lose weight but I also want to eat like a normal person, not over eat - helpfully suggesting I exercise doesn't help. I am in pain when I walk too far & can't breath. I am ashamed of myself, I am mortified, I hate myself and what I have become. My gastric bypass will give me back my life and I will not be fucking well wasting it.

mutznutz · 30/01/2011 18:11

How long has she had the band for? And how much has she lost?