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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am not unreasonable about this

58 replies

llareggub · 30/01/2011 12:42

I am at home, it is Sunday, and I am pottering about mning cleaning and tidying. DH announces that he is off to IKEA for a few bits and that he will take our two pre-schoolers, one of whom is 4 and pretty reliable, and the other can be put in trolley. So, not arduous.

MIL rings. We chat about plans for next week and I mention that DH has taken the boys to IKEA. She tells me that I am lucky that DH is willing to take the two boys out together.

I am stunned, and ask her why I am lucky that my husband is willing and able to take his own children out. She laughs and repeats again that I am lucky. I tell her that I think he has the better end of the bargain as I am cleaning and doing stuff that he would never think of in a million years.

So, I am cross. I am hoovering and getting more and more ranty by the minute and need to off-load. So don't tell me I am being unreasonable because I AM NOT.

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 30/01/2011 12:43

Well I think you are being unreasonable to be cross.

Maybe she was saying you were lucky because she was never that lucky herself.

GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 30/01/2011 12:44

No, you are definitely NBU.

timeforachangearooney · 30/01/2011 12:44

tis generation thing :)

i've now joined in by saying DH is babysitting tonight!!

if you can't beat em.......

PlasticLentilWeaver · 30/01/2011 12:44

No, you're not. She's being old fashioned, sexist, and precious about her little boy!

RubberDuck · 30/01/2011 12:45

YANBU - my mother makes statements like this all the fricking time. Drives me nuts.

I am "lucky" because my dh is capable of opening a tupperware container and feeding his children lunch, apparentlly Hmm

Original poster
llareggub · 30/01/2011 12:46

I'm not screaming and shouting cross. More like needing to rant a bit on mumsnet cross. Not cross enough to ring her back and shout and scream, because that would be rude.

No, I am demonstrating my crossness by pressing the keys on my keyboard more forcibly and turning up the radio.

OP posts:
Original poster
llareggub · 30/01/2011 12:48

She is most definitely sexist, and DH is her PFB only child. But she is used to me doing things differently. She didn't want me to breastfeed so I said nothing and fed my eldest until he was 2 years and 9 months. She no longer discusses breastfeeding with me.

OP posts:
LadyPumpington · 30/01/2011 12:48

Agree its a generation thing Just say aren't I lucky I was born in this generation then?

PuppyMonkey · 30/01/2011 12:51

YANBU in one sense, course not. But when you read some of the posts on MN and the fuckwits they have as DPs. Well in that sense, you're lucky not to have a numb nut like that. Maybe not luck, but you know - thank God you have a normal person as a DP. Shall I shut up now?

Original poster
llareggub · 30/01/2011 12:53

You are right. I shall remember to tell her that if she mentions it again. Even better, I shall prime DH to tell her that. He really isn't unusual in our circle of friends.

I didn't tell you the best bit: I told her that I take them out alone ALL THE TIME and she said, "well you have to, don't you?"

Gah.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 30/01/2011 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrillianAstra · 30/01/2011 12:54

YABU, simply for posting 'I know I am not unreasonable' on AIBU.

CoffeeMum · 30/01/2011 12:55

Agree completely with PuppyMonkey - of COURSE all DHs and DPs should be capable of taking their own kids out, looking after them etc, but there are ALOT of fathers who really don't do their share. I am surprised by how widespread it is. So yes, your DH is behaving as he should, and that is good and nice for you - but no, you shouldn't be considered 'lucky' as such.

Bogeyface · 30/01/2011 12:55

I agree with timeforeachange. It is a generational thing. It was expected that women would do everything with the kids and that men would be hopeless so thats how it was. A man doing anything with his kids was seen as a huge deal!

Its no reflection on you or your dh so I would let it go.

Tillyscoutsmum · 30/01/2011 12:55

YANBU. FIL in particular often expresses his amazement that DH changes nappies. He tells us how he's never changed a nappy, usually in a proud tone Confused

bubblewrapped · 30/01/2011 12:55

If I said to my MIL that my husband was cooking dinner, she would say I was lucky. It wouldnt be meant nastily, it would mean "you are lucky, my husband never cooked me a meal"

If I said "my husband irons his own jeans", she would say "you are lucky, my husband never picked up the iron in his life"

What she means (I think), is that you ARE lucky, that we live in a generation where men do get more involved in doing things with their children, and dont expect the wives to do ALL the childcare and housework.

I dont see why you are cross at her comments at all. Nor is she being sexist, she is simply comparing your life with what hers may have been like. Roles in the family were more gender specific then.

If she had said "oh, i dont think its right to make him take them out", then fair enough, but she didnt say that, did she.

TrillianAstra · 30/01/2011 12:56

AIBU by stealth as well - why not tell us "the best bit" in the OP?

You are lucky to live in the 21st century and in this country and to have a DH who will take out two small children by himself.

She is being ridiculous to suggest that he is any less capable of doing it than you are, or that it is a bigger deal for him.

hairyfairylights · 30/01/2011 12:59

You're actually mning. And your mil is being old fashioned and sexist.

PacificDogwood · 30/01/2011 12:59

YADNBU.

However, I sgree, 'tis a generational thing. My parents ring DH to thank him for 'allowing' me to go visit them Shock - wtf?? They live abroad, when I do go, I usually go for at least a few days and what they mean is 'how admirable for him to be prepared to look after himself' - DH left home when he was 17, he is MORE than capable (and willing!) to make is own dinner etc.

We have 4 DSs and I get the same when he takes all 4 of them out - it is no easier for me, you know. Grrrrr!

In the interest of family peace I would let it go too though.

Plonker · 30/01/2011 13:01

YANBU!

This drives me insane.
Dh takes our two youngest (7 and 3yo) swimming quite regularly on a Sunday morning. Oh. My. God. According to friends and family, he's up for the Dad-Of-The-Year award! Why a dad taking his children swimming results in him being an amazing father I'll never understand. It pisses me right off!

What about me getting them up in a morning - washed, dressed, breakfasted and off to school?

Mum of the year? I don't think so.
How about me picking them up from school, cooking tea, doing homework with them, taking them to after school activities?

Mum of the year? I don't think so.
What about me bathing them, putting them to bed and reading them a story?
Mum of the year? I don't fucking think so!

But hey - take them swimming and the trophy is yours!! Hmm Its ri-fucking-diculous!

Original poster
llareggub · 30/01/2011 13:01

It does look like an AIBU by stealth but truly I forgot that bit.

As I said, I am not cross cross, but irritated cross. She definitely did not mean that I am lucky to born into a generation that has partners that pull their weight. I don't think she understands why I expect him to do his fair share.

OP posts:
Tortington · 30/01/2011 13:01

im with trillian - you cannot post something blatantly reasonable in aibu - ergo YABU Angry

bubblewrapped · 30/01/2011 13:02

FFS, how the hell is the MIL being old fashioned and sexist. She is simply stating a fact that her DIL's life is possibly easier than her own was.

I really do get pissed off with seeing unreasonable MIL bashing on here all the time. :(

Original poster
llareggub · 30/01/2011 13:02

Yes, I am mning now but I have been spring cleaning so I am having a cup of tea and a break before I tackle the next room.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 30/01/2011 13:03

What did you say?

"Actually he's perfectly capable and men are expected to pull their weight nowadays, it's not unusual at all."