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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am not unreasonable about this

58 replies

llareggub · 30/01/2011 12:42

I am at home, it is Sunday, and I am pottering about mning cleaning and tidying. DH announces that he is off to IKEA for a few bits and that he will take our two pre-schoolers, one of whom is 4 and pretty reliable, and the other can be put in trolley. So, not arduous.

MIL rings. We chat about plans for next week and I mention that DH has taken the boys to IKEA. She tells me that I am lucky that DH is willing to take the two boys out together.

I am stunned, and ask her why I am lucky that my husband is willing and able to take his own children out. She laughs and repeats again that I am lucky. I tell her that I think he has the better end of the bargain as I am cleaning and doing stuff that he would never think of in a million years.

So, I am cross. I am hoovering and getting more and more ranty by the minute and need to off-load. So don't tell me I am being unreasonable because I AM NOT.

OP posts:
Original poster
llareggub · 30/01/2011 13:04

If it makes you feel any better, bubble, apart from her old-fashioned and sexist view of our relationship, she is lovely.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 30/01/2011 13:04

My MIL thinks I'm extremely lucky to have a DH who can put fairy liquid under running water and remove dirt from plates - ALL BY HIMSELF.

Back off ladies, he's mine. Hmm

I think she was a bit put out when I pointed out that I would never have married a sexist, lazy arsehole in the first place, therefore "luck" had dick-all to do with it. Grin

MissyMorrison87 · 30/01/2011 13:05

YABU

I would be a bit annoyed that she has stereotyped men into never taking their children out etc etc but thats a different rant altogether.

However, a couple of female friends pretty close to me have NO help from their partners because they are SAHM and their husbands take the view that "i go out and work all day so you should look after the children, even on my day off."

And i dont mean just hanging out with the kids all the time. Everything from making them dinner to having to take all 3 of them to the local shop.......opposite their house..... Because he is reading the paper and cant just sit there with them. I'm not even exaggerating.

So YES. You ARE very lucky to have a partner that takes the kids out without you having to be there in case one needs a hug. I'd apreciate that instead of being so angry about her passing comment.

Original poster
llareggub · 30/01/2011 13:06

Now now, Trillian, if I tell you what I said, will you shout at me again?

I expressed puzzlement at her comment and after the exchange about how I take them out all the time and therefore it wasn't unusual for a parent to take out their offspring, I told her that actually it is a NORMAL thing to do. Now, if I wanted to completely ruin our relationship I would have told her that she was being sexist and old-fashioned but I like her and don't want to argue with her.

OP posts:
redrollers · 30/01/2011 13:07

yabu
you are lucky
yes, it should be the norm, but it's not
so you are lucky

Original poster
llareggub · 30/01/2011 13:07

All jokes aside though, I would never have married someone or agreed to have children with someone who expected me to do it all.

OP posts:
NeilsBoar · 30/01/2011 13:08

Going against the grain a little here... As much as we both (DW and I) love our DS very much and have lots of fun with him, we both enjoy the occasions when the other takes him out and leaves the other to 'potter and tidy' without a toddler's 'assistance' - I got a luxurious 2 hours yesterday afternoon to do my tax return!

So in that sense you are lucky...

However, I am giving her the benefit of the doubt and you're probably right.

TrillianAstra · 30/01/2011 13:08

Did I shout at you? I din't think I did.

Sounds like a sensible response.

I feel sorry for her - must have been rubbish to live in a world where men were incapable of doing anything useful regarding children or housework.

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/01/2011 13:09

Indeed llareggub and if DH ever entertained far less voiced such ideas I'd tear him a new arsehole.

redrollers · 30/01/2011 13:10

ladies, for all those who get annoyed by this, just count your blessings, and say yes, i know I'm lucky.Aren't I lucky that times have changed
Waste your energy on something else.
Please

Original poster
llareggub · 30/01/2011 13:11

Yes, Trillian, I feel sorry for her too, but she doesn't feel sorry for herself because in her mind, the woman's place is in the home. She is puzzled by our relationship, and probably thinks that I have ridiculously high expectations of my husband's contribution to the home.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 30/01/2011 13:13

No redrollers because I'm not lucky that I'm not a doormat. I work very very hard at equality round here.

bubblewrapped · 30/01/2011 13:13

You know, rather than be cross and all huffy with her.. you could say "yup, I am really lucky to have a husband who pulls his weight and shares the childcare, must be the good mum he had that taught him well"... (and I dont mean to say it in a sarky tone either).

My mum and MIL were both married to blokes who were useless in a kitchen, didnt know how to work the washing machine, and my FIL was a total sexist git who really did expect to be waited on hand and foot. My own dad was a great dad who was very hands on with me as a kid though, so I cant fault him for that.

Times have changed, women of our MIL's generation are envious of the way men now do help out a lot more in the home.. its called progress.

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/01/2011 13:17

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Aretha had the right idea.

undercovamutha · 30/01/2011 13:19

YABU to suggest that cleaning and tidying mning is harder, or even equally as hard as taking 2 preschoolers to IKEA!

I have a nearly 2yo and a 4yo and I would personally rather chew my own arm off than take them to IKEA on my own. If my DH was tidying on the internet then I would demand he accompany me to IKEA to help reign in the crazy kids! IKEA sends them hyper for some reason!

So, you are lucky - lucky not to be married to me!

RIZZ0 · 30/01/2011 13:22

My DH is very hands on but he'd rather stick pins in his eyes than put himself through Ikea on a Sunday, let alone with two pre-schoolers!!!! Me too.

YANBU to expect him to parent them, of course.
YABU not to brush off comments from a different generation who just did things differently.

thenightsky · 30/01/2011 13:22

I think it's the implied 'luck' that makes me cross about these remarks from mums and MiLs.

I always say..'oh, luck has nothing to do with it, I wouldn't have married a man who didn't do those things'.

I chose him for his qualities... it was never a 'luck of the draw' situation.

RIZZ0 · 30/01/2011 13:22

Heh, amusing x-post

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/01/2011 13:23

thenightsky EXACTLY!

redrollers · 30/01/2011 13:38

KatieScarlet, you have indicated that the equality in your household is down to you, which in itself suggests that if it were down to men, it wouldn't happen.
I don't get it.

Lucky is a word I would use.
You might be lucky that this enlightened 21st Century man came your way.
You might be lucky that your instincts were right and you picked a good one
You may be lucky that you got one that could be "trained"
The same as you can be unlucky to get a real bastard.
We all think we've made the right choices, sometimes it doesn't work out that way.
Circumstances change, unemployement, depression, abuse.

RubberDuck · 30/01/2011 13:39

In my mother's case, it's not "luck" that's implied, it's that I'm a lazy mother and a crap wife.

It's usually followed up by a rant at the "now" generation having it all and not expecting to wait for anything.

I'd love to point out that she's "lucky" in that she is from the generation that has a large (cheap) house AND a pension and we're unlikely to be ever able to retire. But the argument wouldn't be worth it.

mitochondria · 30/01/2011 13:42

It is a generation thing.

I was on the phone to grandma-in-law last week, happened to mention that husband was cooking roast dinner and making Yorkshire puddings. She laughed, and asked why I wasn't doing it!

I was busy marking, and anyway his roast potatoes always come out much crispier than mine.

I expect she has told all her friends about her grandson who cooks.

diddl · 30/01/2011 13:42

TBH I think I´d rather clean in peace than be dragging around Ikea-alone,let alone with a couple of youngsters!

Not quite the same, but I thought that it was usual for husbands of previous generations to take youngsters out on a Sunday morning so that mum could get on with the roast & the cleaning!

Original poster
llareggub · 30/01/2011 13:43

I have mulled this over while putting away the toys. Sorting Playmobil and lego is definitely good for the soul, as thanks to some of your comments I will now be thankful that I had the sense to marry someone who held the same values. I will not consider myself lucky, but thankful.

To the poster who suggested that I was huffy and cross with MIL, can I assure you that I was nothing of the sort? I wouldn't dream of being huffy and stroppy with her.

I think, having thought about it while hunting down the last of the Playmobil fire engine bits, my MIL is definitely the product of her generation and I am lucky in comparison.

Oh, and DH chose to go to IKEA. I didn't send him, or encourage him. He is his own man but probably didn't really think through the sense in going to IKEA.

OP posts:
kaid100 · 30/01/2011 13:46

I'm guessing your FIL probably didn't take your DH out that much when he was a child, and MIL was left looking after him almost all of the time. Probably not intended as a dig at you.