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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that all long term relationships have their dirty secrets?

73 replies

McHobbes · 29/01/2011 22:48

And by that, I don't just mean affairs, although they would certainly come under the same bracket.
No - I'm referring to those black spots...those times where you just know that you, or he, or both of you, have behaved like an utter arsehole.

I'm not asking anyone to confess theirs, in case that's what you're thinking. I'm thinking that I see a lot of 'Well I wouldn't put up with that!' sort of replies on forums. I do it myself...rather a lot.
I just wonder sometimes, what it is that I DO put up with, that the person I'm posting to so cockily, wouldn't entertain...if you see what I mean?

For example...I wouldn't put up with a gambler, or a liar, or anyone remotely controlling...but I'll tell you want - my dh is bad tempered miserable git, some of mumsnet I know, would think I was an idiot to put up with him. Maybe they'd be right.
I wonder though, what they tolerate that I don't/wouldn't.

Don't we all have skeletons in the closet?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 29/01/2011 22:50

Original poster

McHobbes · 29/01/2011 22:51

Then ok - I'd say you were very fortunate.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 29/01/2011 22:53

I don't think anybody is perfect and for all those saying you shouldn't put up with that, we never look at the other side of the coin, what do these partners have to put up with from OP's that come a moaning?

There are things some people can live with and other things they cannot, I guess it depends on your tolerance levels, and what other things bind you together.

manicbmc · 29/01/2011 22:54

I put up with a controlling alcoholic for years. It took me a long time to realise the emotional abuse I'd suffered because it was the 'norm' for me for years.

Not so much that I tolerated it - more that I was clueless and ground down.

Don't think I'd put up with much now though.

blinks · 29/01/2011 22:54

not exactly 'dirty secrets' but yeah. most relationships, (certainly all of mine) have had those moments where either one or both of you behave like utter fannies.

mitziw · 29/01/2011 22:55

i wonder that alot mchobbes. i feel better just reading your post.x

bullet234 · 29/01/2011 22:55

Mchobbes may or may not remember a thread I posted on another site in which I stated how very very difficult I found it to not only initiate physical contact but also to accept it. Exception being hugs if they are big bear hugs. Nobody in real life apart from DH knows about this, but it is a trouble in our relationship.

allatsea1 · 29/01/2011 22:55

Oh yes we have a few things that I wouldn't want the world knowing about - but then we have been together for so long and from such a young age I think it would be odd not to. Every honest relationship has its ups and downs: we are only human afterall.

YeahWhatevah · 29/01/2011 22:56

My DH drinks too much and I know (because she told me) my best friend has cheated on her DH of 15 years).

I know what you mean.

DOn't think I do anything though

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 29/01/2011 22:56

It depends. There are definitely ups and downs to any long term relationship, but I think there are certainly things that one person accepts when another would be off and running.

Original poster

McHobbes · 29/01/2011 23:06

I just think people's perception of what's acceptable varies so much!

OP posts:

Tryharder · 29/01/2011 23:11

My DH is an utter twat at times. I am of course, perfect . I never post anything negative about him on MN because the standard response is so often "oh, leave him". I often wonder if the women advising divorce have ever actually been through one (I have) and it is hell.

I agree with the OP.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 29/01/2011 23:12

Just as well really - there's probably not many men in the world who would put up with me!

Northernlurker · 29/01/2011 23:15

I do agree. I don't think anyone would like to have every nuance of their relationship open to scrutiny. Anybody who says they would is lying or up to their necks in denial.

musicposy · 29/01/2011 23:18

Rattle rattle. Absolutely. You just never know by looking at people, or even by thinking you know them really well.

fedupofnamechanging · 29/01/2011 23:25

Well, people are not perfect, so I'd say we've all done things that we are ashamed of when we look back. There have been times when my DH's behaviour has not been great, but also times when I've been a right bitch too. I think it is a rare couple who always behave well.

That said, there are lines in the sand for me, that other people would think it is perfectly okay to cross. Each relationship is unique, so I agree that our lines in the sand will be drawn in different places. Some people are incredibly hurt by things that another person would write off as unimportant. The trick is to find someone whose idea of acceptable behaviour converges with your own. I think for some couples it might take years in a relationship to totally get to that point though

fit2drop · 29/01/2011 23:28

After years of abuse and being down trodden I finally got out an evetally got with the guy im with now. Hes great for my self esteem, does not have a jealous bone in him and actively encouraged me to pursue the job of my dreams, Very supportive and family orientated.

I would never put up with being in an abusive relationship again nor with jealousy or someone who wasn't family orintated, a drinker or a drug addict however I do put up with hubby being as stubborn as fuck.Not being open for debate once he has made his mind up and the most untidy man on Gods earth:)

fit2drop · 29/01/2011 23:31

looks at last post and realises I'm not quite getting this am I

Ignore last post, didnt mean to make light of a serious thread :)

Original poster

McHobbes · 29/01/2011 23:38

That's the ideal isn't it - someone whose sense of right and wrong match your own.
The problem is though, we all DO commit to who we percieve as that person, to begin with (or at least, I did). Circumstances change and a relationship is ever evolving. Well it is in my case anyway.

'Love is not gazing inwardly at one another, rather looking outwards together in the same direction'

Is a pretty cool quote I once heard. I don't know who said it.

OP posts:

Mum72 · 29/01/2011 23:40

Oh god yeah OP! Totally agree. I have been a cow to DH at times and he has been a bit of a cock too!

IMO - those that think their relationship is above and beyond any "dark secrets" are the ones most at risk of being totally ignorant.

Original poster

McHobbes · 29/01/2011 23:40

It's not serious. Or at least that's not what i was aiming for....I was just pondering this, being new to MN and seeing a great abundance of relationship advice.
It's good actually - I love doing it.

OP posts:

wagon · 29/01/2011 23:47

McHobbes I think you're probably right. When my marriage was crumbling I spoke to lots of mates who said: "Just have an affair" which I couldn't do.I was amazed the number of people who had. The divorce was a bit shit but now I'm with a brilliantly honest man. We fight like cat and dog sometimes and he's a dick and I'm a dick but we're on the same page when it comes to being open about stuff. I do worry that you can fall into a pattern of accepting bad behaviour though.

magicmummy1 · 30/01/2011 00:01

op, I think you're right. I have been with my dh for nearly 16 years now, and overall I'd say we're happy. However, he can be a miserable sod at times and I imagine that some would find his moods hard to tolerate. Sometimes I do get fed up with his grumpiness, but on the other hand, he is very family-oriented, honest, faithful, responsible and caring, and I know that he would do anything for me or dd - or even for my parents, bless him!

Ultimately, I think it's just about accepting people as they are, warts & all, and as long as we can consider a behaviour to be still within the realms of acceptability, then I guess acceptance is what's needed to keep a relationship going for any period of time. Obviously, we're all going to have things that we wouldn't be able to tolerate, but it will be different for each of us as to where we draw the line.

cjdamoo · 30/01/2011 00:08

totally get where the op is coming from. I have recentally had 18 months of hell with my husband who was gambling drinking and diagnosed with bi polar.

There were times I hated him. Things I did in his dark days I am not proud of. However we got through it and are now happy.

SparkyDuchess · 30/01/2011 00:28

Yep, I agree McHobbes. I've been married for 17 years to a very good, kind decent man who loves me as I love him. He is truly one of life's good guys.

He is also positively Victorian in some of his attitudes, and ran up the best part of 50k in debt a few years ago.

I accept those flaws because to me what we have is worth it, but I know that both his Victorian attitudes and crapness with money would be deal breakers to all of my friends. To me, they're a giant PITA, but not deal breakers - he is honest, loving, and accepts me as I am, good and bad.

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