to think that all long term relationships have their dirty secrets?

[McHobbes]

And by that, I don't just mean affairs, although they would certainly come under the same bracket.
No - I'm referring to those black spots...those times where you just know that you, or he, or both of you, have behaved like an utter arsehole.

I'm not asking anyone to confess theirs, in case that's what you're thinking. I'm thinking that I see a lot of 'Well I wouldn't put up with that!' sort of replies on forums. I do it myself...rather a lot.
I just wonder sometimes, what it is that I DO put up with, that the person I'm posting to so cockily, wouldn't entertain...if you see what I mean?

For example...I wouldn't put up with a gambler, or a liar, or anyone remotely controlling...but I'll tell you want - my dh is bad tempered miserable git, some of mumsnet I know, would think I was an idiot to put up with him. Maybe they'd be right.
I wonder though, what they tolerate that I don't/wouldn't.

Don't we all have skeletons in the closet?

Don't know about "dirty secrets", I guess there may be things that other people would see as deal breakers for them personally*, but "dirty secrets" suggests something more sinister.

*Owning burberry items or Emo CD's would be a deal breaker for me whereas for others it's just a part of their DP's personality. Despite my arguments to the contrary no one else will consider these things morally wrong.

I think you're right, there are times when my DP has been an utter gobshite and I have been ridiculously unreasonable, bt you weigh up the pros and cons and if the pros still win, then great!

McHobbes...people on here DO react strongly about certain things...I tend to think it's because they have left very damaging relationships and are still hurting.

I know if I posted on here about some of my ups and downs with my DH then people would be yelling

Deal Breaker!

and

Toxic!

etc.

My DH did have a gambling problem...it wasn't so much that he was losig a lot of cash...he wasn't...it was an online gaming problem which really almst sent us over th adge.

I stuck with him and he's ok now. He's put up with crap from me and got me through it....I think couples need to try to help one another...nobody's perfect and as life progress some things may arise which are less than great for the relationship...doesn't mean you give up.

I think you are right, but then there are a lot of comments on MN (and other forums) that IMO are over the top but it's down to personal opinion.

I know my DH can act like a prize idiot when he's drunk and I know from reading threads on here that I could word my description of his behaviour in such a way that some people would tell me to leave him. I also know that when hormonal I can be a whingeing, tearful PITA, which I'm sure he could describe in equally unflattering terms.

I also know that I couldn't stay with someone who cheated but others can and be very happy together so who am I to judge?

I am nasty and controlling to my DH sometimes and I can tell he is walking on eggshells. I hate myself for it. Its an ugly blackspot

deal breaker is the most over used phrase here

Along with

Sense of Entitlement

Toxic

Passive Agressive

Out of interest OnEdge..why? My DH had that trouble too...he's changed a lot since we had our almost break up...now he can let things go very easily. What makes you be nasty? Not prying...bu wantin to lern why...as my DH did it a lot bu still can't say why.

Awful laptop = typing errors!

I came from a home where no one ever shouted. My dad was a bit of a cock sometimes but , generally, home was a calm place.

I married a man who would shout and swear at his mother and she would shout and swear back. We lived with his mother . There was a constant atmosphere but I'm an easy going sort and just thought this was how some peoples' home lives were to a point.

Then I separated (due to plenty of reasons) and found dp. We are so similar. Both very very laid back - though not to the point of being doormats. Our ideals are so similar and I think we are both old enough to know our own minds. We've been living together for 5 months now and have never had a cross word.

I don't know if we'll have any skeletons in the years to come. But I'll come and say if we do.

Me and dh (or is that dh and I?!) have been together 10 years and we've both done a lot of growing up.

I have put up with stupid stupid things that have really destroyed my confidence and it wasn't until a few months ago we had a proper conversation about it and I told him how I felt rather than screaming and crying at him instead. Problem solved. All sorted. And I thought why the feck didn't I ahve the balls to say, almost 10 years ago, I don't like it when you do x, it makes me feel y, and then it could have been sorted a decade ago and I would still have some confidence left. Arse.

So yes, we have both been total fannies.

Completely unrelated, don't marry a porn addict. They're all wankers.

(Other than that he is and always has been a fucking brilliant fella and a great dad, were it otherwise he would be single)

Sometimes I think people can be judgemental and talk about 'dealbreakers' (maybe myself included on times) but I think you can never really know how you would react until it has happened to you. It's easy to say "Oh, divorce the wanker, you shouldn't put up with that, blah, blah, blah" but never say never.

It's easy for me to say now that if my DH cheated on me, for example, I would kick his arse out the door in an intant. I think I would react like that, but who knows in reality. God forbid it never happens but not everything is always black and white and people, me included, need reminded of that on times.

I dunno! i've been with DH for over 15 years and I can't think of anything that he would do to annoy or hurt me so much that I would get rid of him. Mainly because, he wouldn't do any of those things that would annoy or hurt me so much. I know that's a really smug marriagey kind of thing to say, but if I didn't 100% believe that was what I was getting into, I wouldn't have got married.

And I know he could have an affair, blah de blah, but I don't think he will. And if he does, then I'm going to have to suck it up and deal with it. Just like everybody else.

Funnily enough me and dh have been talking about this sort of thing tonight, we were talking about people on forums giving hard and fast advice to leave a partner when they've done something wrong. I said to my dh that I would almost certainly forgive an affair (well, a one off certainly), not that he'd have one, or me, but to me I could not throw away 17/18 years of being together for a simple mistake, nor throw away our future. Not that that's a go-ahead for either of us to have an affair mind.

When it comes to "abuse", well, I suppose in our own way we DO abuse each other, take each other for granted, name call, not treat each other with respect at all times, BUT on the whole we do. We all have times in our lives where things are less than perfect, added stresses on top of normal mundane day to day shit, and we are all human so make bad calls, react badly etc. This I see as very different to sustained abuse and DV, which I have unfortunately been through with my ex.

I see it, not just here, but on other forums, where one partner (usually a man) has kicked off at the other and everyone is baying for blood, telling the woman to leave the man, that he can never change etc. I would never expect a woman (or man) to just put up and shut up (for want of a better expression) but I do think a little perspective goes a long way.

The thing with forums such as this ius that we usually only see a very small snapshot, a one-off situation, and we judge off that. Reality is very different. It's enough to offer support, advice, helpline numbers etc, but to suggest to someone in a very vulnerable situation that they need to leave is maybe a bit much. If someone is really suffering they will take on board the advice, look up women's aid etc and leave when the time is right for them.

I hope this all makes sense. I've had no sleep due to poorly children and am very tired (plus I drunk copious amounts of wine earlier ;) )

No, no secrets. Solid dependable DH. Together nearly thirty years. I can't imagine anything being more important to either of us than our relationship and family.

However I have been on MN long enough to know that these things do happen and like TheCat I would just have to deal with it as I thought best.

I don't get it. Especially NorthernLurker's post about being in denial if you don't want your relationship scrutinised. Who would, just from a privacy point of view? Or just to keep what is intimate special? That doesn't mean you have stuff to be ashamed of. I don't. Things are ok, thanks. No big skeletons here.

I just get really really cross and tired and I take it out on DH, or I resent him if I feel that he could do more to help. I don't explain this to him, just get all snarly and difficult. I can see him trying so hard to be nice and not tip me over into a row. I know he is suffering because I was in an abusive relationship myself years ago and I can see myself in DH now IYSWIM. When I notice it, I stop it but the damage has already been done. I will address it and apologise to him and try and explain, but I feel very sad that I am causing this. We have 3 DC under 4 and I run my own business and DH works full time. It is very stressful at the moment, but I think that this is the hardest time, and things will soon improve. The baby has already started to sleep through, and I have got help commencing this week to take the pressure off. I am hoping that this will help calm the situation down.

We have been together for 18 years, and deep down are very happy together. I am hoping that this is a temporary thing that I have addressed and am aware of and will look out for in the future. I dislike this part of me

Talking about skeletons in the closet though, I think some couples have an "image" that they give to the outside world. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors for some couples who can project a perfect happy image.

I say this from a perspective of knowing a couple who recently seperated but to their family, friends and other outsiders seemed like the 'perfect' couple and always happy and in love. So, yes, who knows what skeletons lurk behind closed doors in some relationships.

Fafftastic, we were talking about this with dh last night. In the past 15 months 3 couples we know have separated. In all the cases we haven't suspected anything, we thought they had very good marriages. It is only now that they told everybody the ungly truth. For over 10 years they were pretending to be a happy couple. I don't know how they managed to do this, it must be very soul destroying. No wonder they are ill now.

The three of them are the ones who always kept saying how happy they are.

Agree AuntyFash - leaving someone you have worked long and hard to build a life with goes against the grain for me.

I agree with you OP. Maybe there are a few very fortunate exceptions. But not many!

DH & I have been together 17 years, and are very happy and well-matched. I love him dearly, and he loves me.

But we've had a few dark times - massive rows, I've struck out at him twice (in complete frustration at what a TWAT he ws being). Not my proudest moments.

I had a crush on someone else about 10 years ago - an emotional affair I suppose - and I am more or less certain that my DH knew at the time and turned a blind eye - trusting that I would come through it. And I did.

Lots of people could have shouted "I wouldn't put up with THAT" at various moments to us both. But I am very glad that we have stuck together.

We are both loving parents to our DC, and a very happy family. I would't change a thing!

OnEdge that's strange becase my DH was in a relationship where his girffriend was an utter cow to him...I suppose it was abusive really....she would attack him, get drunk,be unfaithful etc...I wonder if that affected him? It could have affected you when you were in yours.

Maybe I will suggest my DH gets counceling.

know how hard it is being self employed..so tired!

At least you are aware of the trouble though..

Yeah there are time i seem to get irratated and nag o easily I got more annoyed with him than I do anyone else

I don't know. I'm not in other people's head or long term relationships. I can take my relationship and assume from that that other people's must therefore be the same, but I wouldn't really know.

But yes, in my relationship, there are 'dirty secrets' along the lines you describe.

We have a great relationship, any problems come from me. I can be really hard work, horribly anxious, passive aggressive and very critical. A but of a nut job at times. But I can see it, and am trying really hard to change. So we're not perfect, but I wouldn't change us.

If dh posted about some of my sillier moments I'm sure he'd be told to run!