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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that all long term relationships have their dirty secrets?

73 replies

McHobbes · 29/01/2011 22:48

And by that, I don't just mean affairs, although they would certainly come under the same bracket.
No - I'm referring to those black spots...those times where you just know that you, or he, or both of you, have behaved like an utter arsehole.

I'm not asking anyone to confess theirs, in case that's what you're thinking. I'm thinking that I see a lot of 'Well I wouldn't put up with that!' sort of replies on forums. I do it myself...rather a lot.
I just wonder sometimes, what it is that I DO put up with, that the person I'm posting to so cockily, wouldn't entertain...if you see what I mean?

For example...I wouldn't put up with a gambler, or a liar, or anyone remotely controlling...but I'll tell you want - my dh is bad tempered miserable git, some of mumsnet I know, would think I was an idiot to put up with him. Maybe they'd be right.
I wonder though, what they tolerate that I don't/wouldn't.

Don't we all have skeletons in the closet?

OP posts:

jumpingcastles · 30/01/2011 11:55

its very easy to judge a situation you are not in.

fit2drop · 30/01/2011 12:42

Ninky

ARE YOU ME!!!!!?

Malificence · 30/01/2011 13:49

No, nothing, not in almost 30 years.

I wouldn't put up with

Lying
Drugs/alcohol misuse
Gambling
Porn use
Not being put first - if you always put each other first then you can't go far wrong.

I think that forgiveness is highly overrated.

Interestingly, from the outside we probably often come across as actively disliking each other , not the perfect couple at all, we can be massively sarcastic and insulting to one another but it's the way we are.

Appletrees · 30/01/2011 20:17

lol I knew you would eventually come on extolling the amazingly honest and amazingly open and amazingly amazing mal menage

thort you would be first poster saying NO

Appletrees · 30/01/2011 20:19

bit more chuckle chuckle

Malificence · 30/01/2011 20:37

You think it's amusing because?

I'm not actually the first - expat said no very early on.

Panzee · 30/01/2011 20:39

I always said that cheating would be the 'dealbreaker'. Now I'm not so sure.

Appletrees · 30/01/2011 20:42

because you always do it, every time, it's really predictable, and you are SOOOOO judgemental of others who are different

Appletrees · 30/01/2011 20:46

yes that's what I mean, I thought you would be the first, it surprised me that you weren't

in fact it surprised me that this whole thread wasn't a total rejection of the idea and that any kind of secret was LIE that meant everything else was a LIE and so on and so forth until we all go to heaven knowng we're in the right which is the most important thing of all ever

Malificence · 30/01/2011 20:47

So being predictable and consistent is a bad thing?

Righty ho.

Hulababy · 30/01/2011 20:48

I have been with DH for almost 21 years, married for 12.5y.

I know I have no secrets from DH. I believe Dh when he says the same. We are normal - we have had the odd disagreement. But we don't really do argueing, neve had amassive row or anything. Nothing major at all I can think of in ter,s of annoying stuff. Everyone has their faults, but there is nothing in our relationship that would be of concern as far as I am concerned.

Appletrees · 30/01/2011 20:50

did I say it was bad?

I said it was predictable, and it makes me smile

who am I to judge if it's bad or good? it's just... predictable

gordyslovesheep · 30/01/2011 20:54

not since he left no - but I did put up with vile moods, lack of fiancial support for me and the kids and a fair bit of '[utting his fist through things' in temper

AintMissBeehiving · 30/01/2011 21:00

YANBU McHobbes

My DH doesn't drink tea. TBH it's something that I struggle with, with me being quite a big tea drinker. I just don't understand why he doesn't like it. I knew he didn't like it when we met, but I hoped he could change.

I bought him a self stirring mug - but he used it for coffee - that was almost a bridge too far. He 's also been making noises about a Tassimo. Now I think that he may NEVER like tea and I'll be stuck with a coffee drinker.

Panzee · 30/01/2011 21:12

AintMissBeehiving someone I work with doesn't drink tea. She makes me tea - but it tastes so bad. I am with you!

blueshoes · 30/01/2011 21:56

I cannot think of any 'dirty secrets' in my marriage.

We have rowed before (loudly too) with sulking, mainly me. But nothing more than that.

Dh is Taurus, which apparently means that he is calm and dependable almost all the time, but one day, if pushed too far, he will explode and there will be hell to pay. I am still waiting for that day.

scottishmummy · 30/01/2011 22:10

no skeletons
no closet
dont have enough time to have secrets

AnyFucker · 30/01/2011 22:41

I don't tell my DH everything

I don't know everything about him

he could have a "dirty" hankering for Kerry Katona for all I know

I know I have impure thoughts about Christian from Eastenders

seriously, we don't tell each other everything

a bit of privacy is ok, as long as it is not damaging to your marriage

readywithwellies · 30/01/2011 22:45

No secrets on my part

whensitgunnahappen · 30/01/2011 22:55

Yup, my dh ia a compleate work a holic and I rekon I come second to his job. Some wouldn't put up with it. But when I actually get him to myself, it's worth the shit we go through

KalokiMallow · 30/01/2011 23:36

I think this is quite a confusing OP.

Because it's not clear whether they mean "dirty secrets" kept from each other in a relationship, or "dirty secrets" kept from people outside the relationship. In the latter case it seems that not always agreeing and sometimes being a bit stupid are a "dirty secret".

When actually it's normal, IMO it would be a little strange to have a couple who never wound each other up in any, and where neither of them ever had bad days and said/did stupid things.

For me, there are no secrets between DH and I. And there are things about both of us that others don't know and which are (possibly) the kinds of things that others would end relationships over. We don't obviously tell everyone about every single time one of us does something arsey, or every time we argue either. Because;
a) no one really cares
b) it would give a biased view of the relationship which may lead to people saying we should split up.

So, no, no "dirty secrets" here. Just a normal relationship.

PigValentine · 30/01/2011 23:45

YANBU. Especially re: the responses you get on MN. But it depends where you post. I posted in relationships about my marriage problem - I know if I had posted in AIBU everyone would have told me to leave DH immediately - in relationships I did get very balanced advice - it was interesting.

I think relationships are very easy to judge from the outside. And you can't apply rational logic to them - the bond I have with DH, especially now we have DC's, is not one which can be broken by the odd bout of startlingly unreasonable behaviour.

steppemum · 31/01/2011 01:19

no secrets here, but I know what you mean about different couples see different things as acceptable.
I love the fact dh is not heavily in to sport so that every saturday is not given over to watching footie. Also love the fact that he can change a plug and fix things. Would find life with a dh who was footie mad and couldn't weild a drill very irritating!

Seriously the things I wouldn't tolerate are
abuse (verbal, emotional or physical)
drinking (to extreme)
sexism
visits to sex clubs/lap dancing clubs etc

prbably others I can't think of.

generally think I am very lucky to have a nice normal loving relationship!

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