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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP to be at SILs beck and call

30 replies

saltdog · 29/01/2011 22:13

SIL moved into a new house and ever since she's been constantly calling DP to go over and sort/do things out for her. Whenever she rings he drops everything and goes over, tonight she rang because they were was something wrong with the lights, as it turned out she had tripped them and just needed to flick the switch, another common one is that she won't go in the loft because she's scared of falling off the ladder
AIBU to not want DP to constantly go and sort out very minor problems and that he should leave her to do it for herself.

OP posts:
werdator · 29/01/2011 22:21

YANBU it sounds as though she needs to grow up and fast. Your DP isn't helping by the sounds of it.

Frizzbonce · 29/01/2011 22:22

It depends how long your SIL has been living in her new house. If she's only been there a short while, and she's nervous (is she newly single?) then I'd keep schtum. If she's still phoning after she's been there for a month or so then talk to you DP. There may be a reason why he feels so responsible for her.

The other thing is when he flicks the switch after the lights short out, does he show her how to do it so she knows for next time?

Original poster
saltdog · 29/01/2011 22:24

She's been living there since the start of December, its the first time she's lived on her own. I've no idea whether he shows her what to do or not as I don't go with him

OP posts:
Frizzbonce · 29/01/2011 22:25

So why does you DP feel so protective of her and are there any signs of the phone calls slowing up?

Original poster
saltdog · 29/01/2011 22:28

He's protective of her because she's his "little sister" as he says and there hasn't really been any reduction in the number of calls no.

OP posts:
nightime · 29/01/2011 22:30

I think alot depends on whether or not she is your dp's sister and if there is anyone else she could ask, is she alone with dc and is there anyone else nearby who could help,

When I moved into my house 12 years ago as a single parent the only people I knew in the area were my sis and bro in law, I asked him for help alot at the begining as had no one else to ask, The more confident I became in doing things the less I needed his help,

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/01/2011 22:31

It's up to him, not you. Don't interfere; if your DP is doing things for his sister then so what? As long as he does things in his own home too... what's the problem? When he feels it's enough, he'll say so and the calls will tail off.

Original poster
saltdog · 29/01/2011 22:35

Its just some of the things he's doing like untripping the lights, going into the loft, changing a fuse etc are so minor and she really ought to be doing them herself not getting him over to do it.

OP posts:
Frizzbonce · 29/01/2011 22:37

Ok then YANBU. The reason why I asked if he shows her what to do is there's a difference between genuinely not knowing how to do household stuff but being willing to learn - so the next time the lights fuse she knows what to do because your DP showed her, or the lights fuse again in a weeks time and once more she picks up the phone because she's playing at being helpless.

Talk to you DP about how pissed off you are because at this rate he'll be an on call free DIY man. And it's not doing her any favours either. Why can't she sign up for a DIY course at her local Adult Ed college?

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 29/01/2011 22:46

He really needs to teach her how to do these things for herself. What will happen if something happens when you're on holiday, he can hardly pop over then.

starfishmummy · 29/01/2011 23:15

Can you be the one who answers the phone, and when sshe rings just tell her he's busy or it's not convenient? (Unless it is a real emergency).

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 29/01/2011 23:19

Yabu I think- I'm very close with my siblings too and if my lot needed help I would drop everything for them.
If I was you I wouldn't make an issue of it, if anyone tried to make me chose between my siblings an them it would not be a difficult descision.

byrel · 30/01/2011 08:48

YANBU she needs to grow up and stop being so helpless

seeker · 30/01/2011 08:49

How often does she call? Be honest!

onceamai · 30/01/2011 08:56

I think YABU. She's his little sister and it sounds as though they have a good relationship. My DC are very close (16 and 12) and TBH I hope DS would be as solicitous to DD in the same situation, especially if neither DH or I were around. In fact I think we have always said something like DD is your little sister and will be your closest relly so make sure you look after her and vice versa.

onessa · 30/01/2011 09:05

Dont be sooooo mean. It is his sister and if you can't help out your familywho can you help out??? Why not go along to his sister's place next time she phones and see if there is anything YOU can do to help her out.Maybe you won't feel so resentful if you get to know her a bit better. who knows?you might need some help with something one day! By the waywhen was the last time anyone actually changeds a plug on anything??Everything has their own sealed plug now.

welshdeb · 30/01/2011 09:11

Agree with some of the posters above is respect of minor things. Perhaps next time you could go together to "help" and assess what exactly she is asking him to do.
Re the lights fuse box. Mine goes off everytime a bulb blows sometimes the whole electric box trips. If I had to find the phone ( in the dark) call someone, wait in the dark for them to arrive I would get pretty fed up very soon and would be begging them to show me how to do it my self. So unless fuse box is in a very hard to get to place or she has some mobility problems she is being very unreasonable. Ask your dh what would happen to her if she couldn't contact him or if he wasn't able to come ie out, at work, away from home, on holiday, too drunk to drive etc. She could be sat in the dark all night. Explain he should make an effort to make sure she can do simple basic things around her house. Not to make his/ your life easier but for her to be comfortable and safe.
No one should live-in a house without knowing how to turn their water off, how to reset their fuse box and how to reset central heating.
With regards to bigger things like the loft I think you need to know if there is a good loft ladder and if the loft is boarded out. Going up on lofts can be difficult and dangerous if there isn't a good ladder / secure footing and I could understand her asking him in these circumstances. Also certain large things have to be a 2 man job.
Again say to dh what if you couldn't make it what would she do? Obviously the best thing is for you and dh to make sure she has a safe ladder to access the loft and put down loft boards. This would make it much safer and easier to access it for small items.
If you address this as being mainly from a viewpoint of concern for his sister and then see what reaction you get from her them both of you may be able to assess her motivation and whether she is being overly reliant on him.

fedupofnamechanging · 30/01/2011 09:22

I think it's a lovely quality in a person, that they continue to be close to and care for their families even when they are all adults. Would you not want your own DC to be like that with each other?

I can see it is irritating, when you are doing something else and I agree that it would be better for her to learn how to do these things for herself, but YABU to resent your DH giving help to his sister.

Mind you, I am biased because my brothers and dad are always in my house fixing my laptop/doing DIY. My DH is lovely (on the whole), but not so good with fixing stuff!

mum295 · 30/01/2011 10:15

OP, you have my sympathy. My DH and his sister had a relationship like this when he and I first got together, but in our case she would call him to take her to the supermarket as he had a car and she didn't Hmm

Are your PILs around/alive? I found that once my PILs were living closer to her, SIL started going to them more. DH and I also moved away, and got married, which helped. Eventually she got a man of her own, which also helped. But there were times where I felt like the other woman!

fedupofnamechanging · 30/01/2011 10:21

You really minded your DH taking his sister to the supermarket when she didn't have a car?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/01/2011 10:25

YABU.

How often do these phonecalls come, and how far away from you does she live?

mum295 · 31/01/2011 08:57

karmabeliever, yes I did mind him taking her to the supermarket. Given that we were all fit, able, child-free early-twentysomethings living in a big city with Tesco Metro and local shops on every corner. Somehow I managed to buy my own 2-3 bags of shopping every week and carry it home by myself without asking DH (or DP as he was then) to take me in his car.

My SIL is the kind of woman who doesn't know how to be independent and has tantrums in order to get her own way. There was one classic instance when she insisted he cancelled a date with me to take her to the supermarket. It was a power thing, nothing to do with her ability to do the supermarket shop by herself. She also relied on him financially, which is a whole other story.

DH has since seen through her, grown some kahunas and stopped running. Besides, once she got a boyfriend he stopped getting the calls.

Anyway, I don't want to hijack the thread, I just wanted to say to the OP that I sympathise with her, but hopefully it will stop once her SIL gets a man of her own.

fedupofnamechanging · 31/01/2011 09:03

Cancelling a date with you does put a different slant on it and he shouldn't have allowed her to get her way over that one. I hate it when adults have tantrums, so I understand you not wanting to give into them.

That said, if he had a car, then it is easier for him to drive the shopping home than it is for her (and you) to carry it, so I don't think it was necessarily wrong for him to do that. Think he should have been doing it for you too though.

VerintheWhite · 31/01/2011 12:24

I would start alternating, so one time he would go and another you would. That way if its genuine support you are both sharing the load, and if its taking advantage then she might slow down if your are arriving instead. Show a united front.

I would also be talking to him about ways for you both to help her together as a team, reinforcing the part you are both playing.

YANBU tho, he should be helping, but with moderation, and to help her learn to do things herself.

swanandduck · 31/01/2011 12:55

YABU. It is lovely that he looks after his sister like that. So many people on here seem to think that as soon as they marry someone, their family no longer have any 'right' to them. It's very sad.

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