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Original poster

To go ahead with wedding when having doubts

69 replies

BellsRinging · 28/01/2011 12:27

Thought about posting in relationships or chat, but then thought to hell with it.

Have name changed for obvious reasons.

So, DP and I are supposed to be getting married later this year.

It's a first marriage for both of us. We each have a DC from previous relationships.

I love DP more than anyone I've ever been with before. However, I do find living with him (or anyone for that matter, other than DD) infuriating. I am super-organised, efficient, quick to take ideas and develop them and on the ball with things. DP is not. I like things my own way. I am an only child and have always been able to be fairly autocratic in life. I have a good career, am ambitious and want perfection (to the extent that's possible). DP is laid back, hopelessly disorganised when it comes to paperwork or organisation, is not a perfectionist.

I always envisaged that I'd end up with someone different from DP - an alpha male, high-powered job, money, sporty, in a similar kind of career field. Very different from DP.

I have always aspired to the ideal of a solid family unit - nice house, nice children, dog, good jobs etc. I am aware that there is no such thing as a 'perfect' family, but I would like something as close to that as possible.

I suppose the crux of the matter is does anyone go ahead with marriage, even if they are not 100% sure things will work out? Is it better to try and see and be optimistic?

OP posts:
swanandduck · 28/01/2011 12:28

If you doubt that he is 'the one' don't go ahead with it.
However, your ideal of your future husband is a bit unreal.

MrSpoc · 28/01/2011 12:30

Dont do it. He is not what you want. Are you currently living with him if not try this first.

Also why are you with him. what draws you to him.

AnnieLobeseder · 28/01/2011 12:30

Um, I would suggest living together a bit longer first. If he's annoying you already, things are unlikely to get any better.

While marriage is not necessarily permanent, the aim is that it should be. If you're not sure, I would suggest you wait.

meantosay · 28/01/2011 12:31

Are you 'in love' with him or do you just 'love him more than anyone you've been with before'? There's a difference. To be honest, I think if you were really in love you would have lost your 'rather teenagerish' notion of the many your really want to marry.

tulpe · 28/01/2011 12:31

Sounds like you are seeking support for a decision which, in your mind at least, you have already made.

Yes opposites can attract but they can also infuriate the heck out of you - which clearly is the case here.

What positives do you have? Either in your relationship or home life in general (ie how far away are you from your family ideal? )

YANBU to question it. YABU if you don't question and you go ahead with the marriage feeling this way.

meantosay · 28/01/2011 12:32

Sorry, the man not 'the many' you.

DeidreBarlow · 28/01/2011 12:33

You are looking at your 'ideal man' through rose tinted specs OP! If you ever find him let me know if he has a brother....

Ask yourself how you would feel if 20/30/40 years from now you are still with DP. Would you really be disappointed? If you are marrying him till someone better comes along then no I'm not sure you should go through with it. DP is what he is. He shouldn't have to change to fit your ideal, nor should you want him to if you truly love him.

mutznutz · 28/01/2011 12:34

From the way you describe yourself I'd say you NEED someone as laid back as him. The alpha male you describe probably wouldn't put up with you being the way you are and you'd probably clash the whole time.

Original poster
BellsRinging · 28/01/2011 12:35

We are living together. It's been a difficult adjustment process for me, since I've never had to compromise or think of anyone else other than DD before. I've always lived my own lifestyle, doing what I want to do. So it's been a huge shock to the system to have to change that.

When we got together, I liked the fact that he was very open about pursuing me, being with me and having a long-term future together. He's great with DD, kind, generous, caring, trustworthy.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 28/01/2011 12:36

The idea of a solid family unit, is it based on the actual people in it, or how it looks like on the outside?

MmeLindt · 28/01/2011 12:36

What do you love about your DP?

Is it his image that you dislike? The fact that he does not conform to your ideals?

If you are not sure, then don't go through with it but I think you have to examine your feelings more carefully and decide if you want to throw away a chance at happiness with a good man because he does not match up with your dream.

mutznutz · 28/01/2011 12:38

Why don't you just carry on living together then?

meantosay · 28/01/2011 12:39

OP no matter who you marry, you're going to have to learn to compromise and put up with other people's way of doing things. However, the main thing is are you in love with this guy or do you just feel you should marry him because he's decent and kind and wants to marry you?

tulpe · 28/01/2011 12:39

Being great with your DD is wonderful but shouldn't be the crux of your relationship. Neither should you let the flattering act of being pursued colour your judgement either.

BTW, I don't think your "ideal" is teenager-ish. I mean, who doesn't want the kind of package you propose? And your description of your ideal DH......not unobtainable either but agree that you would still need to be prepared to compromise because there would be a heck of a lot of clashing otherwise.

meantosay · 28/01/2011 12:40

Yes, tulpe but it's 'teenagerish' not to realise that guys like that are few and far between and, in any event, might not be that wonderful when you get to know them.

QuintessentialShadows · 28/01/2011 12:41

I agree with mutznutz.

It is good that you are so open about how difficult it is to adjust to consider another human being in your life aside from your daughter. If you are that difficult to live with, I am quite sure your partner has doubts too. He too might be shocked to see what life is like with you. No doubt, he will NOT start being tidy and organized, he might get slightly better, but you cant change him. You will have to change how you react to his lack of organization. Can you do this?

tulpe · 28/01/2011 12:43

meantosay - agree absolutely.

Even if she finds "him" doesn't mean they would be a perfect fit.

But ultimately if that's what she really wants from life then she needs to let current DP go and pursue her ideal, no?

tulpe · 28/01/2011 12:44

OP, perhaps you shouldn't live with anyone else at all? Would DP annoy you so much if you didn't live together?

JaxTellersOldLady · 28/01/2011 12:45

Personally you sound like a bloody nightmare to live with! Grin

I mean that in the nicest possible way OP. This post reminds me a bit of myself when I met my DH. I hadnt lived with anyone else before, was used to doing things 'my' way although I didnt have children.

It took my a while to adjust and now I cant imagine life without my DH. We have been married for 14 years come July and we have grown together. Where he is 'weak' I am stronger and where I am a harriden he sorts me out.

If you think that the grass is greener, it usually isnt and if you really do not want to marry your other half, then dont.

How long have you lived together? It took me a couple of years to adjust and learn how to compromise.

Maybe him being a laid back sort of guy will compliment your ways.

StuffingGoldBrass · 28/01/2011 12:46

When you say that you are more organised than him, do you mean that you are doing all the domestic work because he either promises to do his share and 'forgets', or because he does things like put scarlet silk blouses in with the white wash?
Living with a man who doesn't do anything like his share of domestic work and childcare dooms most relationships where it occurs. What might seem like endearing freespiritedness and chilled out charm loses its appeal when you realise that what it conceals is a conviction that women exist to look after men.

AbsDuCroissant · 28/01/2011 12:49

Do you even want to be with someone, if you're that happy/determined to have things your own way?

If you truly love someone, you should be willing to adapt and compromise at times.

Original poster
BellsRinging · 28/01/2011 12:56

Thank you for all responses!

I probably am best living alone, or at least just with DD and a collection of cats. I've always had my own way and done things on my terms. Probably doesn't help that my parents' marriage was based on my mother being demanding and taking the decisions and my father going along with her wishes.

But, flipside of living just with DD was that I was lonely and did want someone to build a life with.

I don't have a problem with DP's 'image' or the fact that he's not the type of person I imagined being with. I do love him.

But I am scared, to an extent, of being tied down. Of being with one person for ever more. Of not being able to up sticks and relocate abroad if I want to (since DSS lives between our place and his mother's place and they share custody - DD's father has no involvement with her at all so don't even have to think about him at any time).

I also worry about the monotony of daily life.

Also, again, probably 'teenager-ish', but I would rather have been married, then divorced, than never married. I'd rather date a divorced man than a single one, because I know that someone has agreed to marry that person and loved them sufficiently enough to do that. I still think there's a stigma surrounding being a 'spinster' (term not used much, but frequently used by my mother....)

OP posts:
melodyangel · 28/01/2011 12:57

Do you love him and can't imagine not being together? I don't mean in the way that you could cope without him but that with him your life just feels right.

I agree with mutznutz - just stay living together for now. See how things go.

nickelbabysnatcher · 28/01/2011 13:00

I don't know about that, Bells.
I am on my first (and only!) marriage, but I lived with a man for 8 years.
I'm glad I didn't marry him in the end, because we really weren't suited, and no amount of time together could fix that.
DH has never married before, but he never lived with anyone and only ever had one (very short) relationship. He's not the cleanest and tidiest person to live with, but we have similar standards (ie we both do our own bit and neither nags the other to do more)

I would recommend that if you have any doubts at all, that you live together longer and see if either of you mellows.

I see marriage as forever, unless it's absolutely impratical (thinking anything that breaks the marriage vows inc cheating and DV).

meantosay · 28/01/2011 13:03

I'm sorry, but if you're marrying him because you'd prefer to settle for him than never get married and be a 'spinster' that is wrong, wrong , wrong. And saying you'd rather get married and divorced than never married at all??? What about all the other people that would be affected by the divorce?

I really do think that you need to grow up a llittle bit.