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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go ahead with wedding when having doubts

69 replies

BellsRinging · 28/01/2011 12:27

Thought about posting in relationships or chat, but then thought to hell with it.

Have name changed for obvious reasons.

So, DP and I are supposed to be getting married later this year.

It's a first marriage for both of us. We each have a DC from previous relationships.

I love DP more than anyone I've ever been with before. However, I do find living with him (or anyone for that matter, other than DD) infuriating. I am super-organised, efficient, quick to take ideas and develop them and on the ball with things. DP is not. I like things my own way. I am an only child and have always been able to be fairly autocratic in life. I have a good career, am ambitious and want perfection (to the extent that's possible). DP is laid back, hopelessly disorganised when it comes to paperwork or organisation, is not a perfectionist.

I always envisaged that I'd end up with someone different from DP - an alpha male, high-powered job, money, sporty, in a similar kind of career field. Very different from DP.

I have always aspired to the ideal of a solid family unit - nice house, nice children, dog, good jobs etc. I am aware that there is no such thing as a 'perfect' family, but I would like something as close to that as possible.

I suppose the crux of the matter is does anyone go ahead with marriage, even if they are not 100% sure things will work out? Is it better to try and see and be optimistic?

OP posts:

AbsDuCroissant · 28/01/2011 13:09

You should only marry someone if you really, really want to; if you can't possibly imagine your life without them, not because you don't want to be alone (though that may possibly be an excuse if you're say 94 and close to death)

swanandduck · 28/01/2011 13:12

I remember, when I was in my early twenties, seeing girls marry anyone who came along because they wanted to 'be married'. It was so obvious, in some cases, that they weren't in love. I waited until I was in my thirties and had met the right person. And if I hadn't met him then I would have got on with my life and if someoone came along fine and if they didn't it wasn't meant to be.
I hate the way people go on as if they're in a Jane Austen novel and have to be married off at a certain age. I have lots of happy single friends who would not appreciate being called 'lonely spinsters'.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/01/2011 13:13

A "go-getter' such as you describe yourself to be wouldn't have 'settled' for a partner they didn't think they were compatible with. Perhaps you're more akin to your partner than you like to admit?

Perhaps your ideal partner type would not think your personality was his ideal either...

AMumInScotland · 28/01/2011 13:13

I think you need to get over your feeling that he's not the right person for you before you think about marrying him. There is a lot of compromise in marriage, or living together longterm, and you need to start out with the idea that he is the right person to be doing it with.

He doesn't have to match up to some list of requirements you drew up earlier, but he has to make you want to throw that list away. If you're still comparing him with the list, then there's a problem.

And the idea that you'd rather marry him and get divorced than risk going through life as a "spinster" is terrible. You should not be going into marriage with that as an attitude. Its unfair to him, and not good for you. And specially not good to mess up the children involved.

Lonnie · 28/01/2011 13:15

if you dont want to marry him or have doubts postpone or cancel

I have to say you sound like my idea of a nightmare to live with. i would encourage councelling as IMO needing things to be perfect usuaully suggests underlying courses.

Original poster

BellsRinging · 28/01/2011 13:16

When it's just DP and I, no kids around, no everyday stresses, I'm totally happy (e.g. when on holiday). I love being with him, laughing with him. But it's the everyday stuff that really annoys me.

OP posts:

bumperella · 28/01/2011 13:17

PArt of your post does make it sound like last minute nerves e.g. "not being able to move abroad" makes me think this. Do you WANT to move abroad? Nope, just the idea that you COULD DO is appealing? Those parts do sound a bit like last minute nerves.

swanandduck · 28/01/2011 13:17

But marriage is about everyday stuff and being with any kids you might have. Only being happy on holidays and nights out is not a great sign.

maryz · 28/01/2011 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DingDongMerrilyAsCheese · 28/01/2011 13:19

My lovely Dad always told me you shouldn't marry a person you can live with, marry the one you can't live without.

FWIW I love my DP enormously and he's generally ace, but he's also infuriating sometimes and can't think of more than one thing at a time. I generally have 6 things going on in my head at once and am much more random than him. He knows his patience and focus is the best and worst quality he has. I know that same thing is true of my randomness.

We've been together for 3 1/2 years but living together for about 2 months and it really is a huge adjustment for both of us. A small silly example is that I like the TV on in the evening, he can't have a conversation of the shiny box is on...we're working through things and talking about them (well I'm nagging him mostly)

I do know though, that we'll get there if we keep talking about stuff (so no more Holby for me....:) ) I'm not saying we're perfect by the way just that I do get your point about the adjustment and you're not the only who's been there littleding and I had been fairly firmly set in our routines which I didn't expect to change much when DP moved in -I'm finding it fairly challenging to be honest, give yourselves some time to settle before you make any big decisions.

Original poster

BellsRinging · 28/01/2011 13:22

Out of interest and call me naive, are there many people out there like me who like doing things their own way and don't want to have to compromise? Does love conquer all, or do people 'settle' because they want children, companionship? Or are they just not as selfish as I am to begin with ?

OP posts:

maryz · 28/01/2011 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DingDongMerrilyAsCheese · 28/01/2011 13:27

I'd say I'm a lot like you and so would DP, but clearly my way is the right way otherwise I wouldn't do it that way would I? :)

With us it's been about the fact that really we compliment each other, we really do and deep down we have a great deal of respect, trust and love. We've known each other as best friends for 20 years and only finally got together a few years ago. We tend to find the stuff I care wildly about he can live with and vice versa if that makes sense.

have you talked to him about it?

Oh and YANBU to be thinking about this now rather than on the morning of your wedding if that's what you were asking :)

GoldFrakkincenseAndMyrrh · 28/01/2011 13:27

Part of me agrees with bumperella because I felt the same way about giving up a lot of my choices so it could be nerves, but at the same time you don't sound happy. In fact you sound borderline resentful and that's not going to end well.

Does he really love you? Would he be broken hearted if you turned around one day and said you wanted a divorce? Because if so you're not being fair on him. It might be a marriage of convenience for you but at the same time you'd be denying him the chance of the real thing.

I don't really know what to say because I didn't live with DH before we married really, although he came to stay a lot! Living together has taken time to get used to and if we hadn't been married I don't know if I'd have worked through some of his more irritating habits sometimes but at the end of the day I love HIM. If you're finding living together difficult and you don't love him for himself then what are you left with? It sounds more like you love marriage and if it doesn't work out the way you hope you might just up and off which isn't what it's about (to me at least).

There's no harm in postponing to sort your head out!

meantosay · 28/01/2011 13:31

No, I didn't settle. I often had rows with dh before we were married but, even when I felt like killing him, I never ever didn't want to be with him. We still row and argue about things and sometimes I wouldn't even speak to him for hours but I never feel like leaving him.

AMumInScotland · 28/01/2011 13:41

The "everyday stuff" is 95% of the year - if you only enjoy your relationship in the "holiday" parts of the year, then that's a problem. It's easy to get along when you're not having to deal with reality - but reality is what you have to deal with.

You have to love him on a damp February morning when you both have a cold and the toilet has backed up. Not just when you can have a romantic dinner and a laugh together.

I don't think love "conquers all", but love makes you want to find a way to manage it anyway. It doesn't make the problems disappear, but it puts them further down your priority list.

maryz · 28/01/2011 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

meantosay · 28/01/2011 13:58

Of course I compromise maryz but by 'settle' I assumed the OP meant 'not the love of your life but better than no one' kind of settling.

I've 'settled' for the fact that we'll never be rich because dh loves running his antique book shop and isn't interested in making money, and that he's not 'handy' at putting up shelves and stuff and that he always wants to put the cold air on in the car even when it's bloody freezing.

He has 'settled' for the fact that I am useless at remembering to pay bills and am a really light sleeper so he can't have the telly on loud at night or read when he comes to bed, and that I always have loads of junk in the car.

But neither of us have 'settled' for each other as not the love of our life, but just someone to be with and have a family with.

rockinhippy · 28/01/2011 14:00

Been there done that, & I can honestly say 10 yrs down the line, despite many a time wanting to cheerfully strangle him I am still very happily married,

opposites attract for a reason, if you are open to it, you can learn from him how to chill out, from personal experience I can tell you that is no bad thing & hopefully he can learn from you too

If you ONLY doubts are this, & you really do love him, learn to loosen up, it will be good for BOTH of you

lemonstartree · 28/01/2011 14:10

I settled. I am getting divorced. I should never have married him. I cant regret it because I have two fab kids from him, but I will never marry again unless I cant live without that person...

Its easy to get married and bloody hard (and expensive) to get divorced

just live together for a while longer...

shouldnotbehere · 28/01/2011 14:12

I'm happily married. We dated for eight years before marriage.

At the beginning of my relationship, I would have said I settled. He is not the gorgeous, go-getter, exciting charismatic man I envisaged myself. However he is kind, nice looking, good provider (but not rich), fun, loving man - and now I would not want anyone else.

It took time for me to realise he suits me perfectly, and is the one for me.

Perhaps you could live with him longer, there is no hurry for marriage.

shouldnotbehere · 28/01/2011 14:12

By the time I married DH, I knew he was the one, and that I was not settling.

StuffingGoldBrass · 28/01/2011 14:15

I am 46 and have never married or lived with a partner. And never will because I would hate it. I like a lot of time to myself, I like to read, get on with my writing work, eat what I want - I have had to compromise a little since having DS but it's not the same as having to compromise around an adult: I can have my evenings to myself when DS is asleep without having to make conversation etc.
Couplehood is not compulsory OP, far better to be happily single than sharing a house with an adult who gets on your nerves.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 28/01/2011 14:18

I have 3 friends and a sister who knew on their wedding day that they had doubts and they were all divorced within a year of getting married. 2 of them really wanted a wedding, not marriage.

If you arent sure and he is the one, he will wait 12 months. it is only an extra year but being able to talk about these doubts with him will be a big thing, if you cant be honest with him about how you feel it doesn't sound good.

Just hold off for a bit. and go back to enjoying each other rather than stressing about a wedding;

IAmReallyFabNow · 28/01/2011 14:25

Having just read a confession on another thread I would say don't marry him.

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