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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go ahead with wedding when having doubts

69 replies

BellsRinging · 28/01/2011 12:27

Thought about posting in relationships or chat, but then thought to hell with it.

Have name changed for obvious reasons.

So, DP and I are supposed to be getting married later this year.

It's a first marriage for both of us. We each have a DC from previous relationships.

I love DP more than anyone I've ever been with before. However, I do find living with him (or anyone for that matter, other than DD) infuriating. I am super-organised, efficient, quick to take ideas and develop them and on the ball with things. DP is not. I like things my own way. I am an only child and have always been able to be fairly autocratic in life. I have a good career, am ambitious and want perfection (to the extent that's possible). DP is laid back, hopelessly disorganised when it comes to paperwork or organisation, is not a perfectionist.

I always envisaged that I'd end up with someone different from DP - an alpha male, high-powered job, money, sporty, in a similar kind of career field. Very different from DP.

I have always aspired to the ideal of a solid family unit - nice house, nice children, dog, good jobs etc. I am aware that there is no such thing as a 'perfect' family, but I would like something as close to that as possible.

I suppose the crux of the matter is does anyone go ahead with marriage, even if they are not 100% sure things will work out? Is it better to try and see and be optimistic?

OP posts:

Original poster

BellsRinging · 28/01/2011 14:48

What other thread ?

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 28/01/2011 15:54

A life without compromise is a life on your own. Sorry.

You cannot just both get your own way always and never compromise, AND live with a partner in a loving relationship. One of you have to give. And if the person who always gives, is your partner, that makes you a controlling bitch.

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 28/01/2011 16:07

DP infuriates me loads of the time, we are quite different and we have difficulties. I couldn't imagine life without him though. We've lived together for 3 years now and it's been quite rough going at times, but we both get better and better at living together, working things out, being tolerant etc. I feel as though we're on a journey together, and we're getting better all the time.

Like many people, neither of us were particularly 'good' at relationships, both came from rotten dysfunctional families etc. We've learnt how to be in a solid relationship and how to be mostly good at it, together.

missmehalia · 28/01/2011 16:16

I spent 7 years paddling my own household canoe before I met and moved in with DP (now DH). Amalgamating our lives was very hard, particularly for me, as I was the one who left the area/house/most posessions behind. I really struggled. We both did at times. However, though it has been hard and sometimes infuriating not to get my own way (and that's basically what it boiled down to, I now realise), I never wanted to leave.

If you'd like to have your own way all the time, then leave. Divide the household tasks fairly and share big decisions, otherwise you'll be just like housemates. Otherwise I think you'll end up being resentful.

If you're someone who always has to be right/'my way or the highway/, etc then I think you're better off with the cats.

kepler10b · 28/01/2011 16:17

OP i don't think you should be worried about getting married so much as your DP should be f*ing freaking out about marrying you. you sound far too fickle and undecided to make the commitment / vows of marriage so why do it? saying them won't make them true or make your relationship more solid and it's really disrespectful to go through with such important vows if you aren't sure you can keep them.

living with someone is difficult no matter how much you love them and you have to be able to compromise and want to make it work through thick and thin. you have to value fidelity above all else and be prepared to put thoughts there might be someone / something better aside. of course there is ALWAYS the possiblity of someone / something better but marriage means making the commitment to what / who you have chosen. "foresaking all others" and all that.

maryz · 28/01/2011 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missmehalia · 28/01/2011 16:21

I suppose another thing to ask yourself is, how would you feel if you knew he was talking about you in these terms? You sound pretty sure of yourself... don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're asking these questions now rather than getting caught up in 'wanting to have a wedding' (ugh).

I'm just not sure you think of him with enough respect. Which is a pretty sure fire sign, imho, not to marry him. Unless your feelings change, of course..

StuffingGoldBrass · 28/01/2011 16:28

Kepler, valuing fidelity above all other things is a bad idea. Monogamy is not nearly as important as having a partner who is non-abusive.

melodyangel · 28/01/2011 16:33

Hate to point out the obvious but if you have DC's then soon enough you will be living with another adult!

Lulumaam · 28/01/2011 16:36

don't marry him if you have doubts. postpone at least

you sound like yuo like the idea of marriage, not hte reality which is the mundane everyday stuff

how would oyu feel , say, if 6 months after the marriage, he was made redundant or had a health issue and you , as the high flyer , organised controller, had to nurse him ?

i think you will resent him and it won't work

kepler10b · 28/01/2011 16:39

stuffinggoldbrass - okay assuming that your partner is not abusive. i wasn't factoring abusive behaviour into the equation just general arguments / disagreements etc. however the OP has made no indication of 'abuse' in the question.

DizzyKipper · 28/01/2011 16:41

I think there's a lot of pressure for people to "find the one" and "settle down" when the reality is some people are better off or will be happier alone. I am not for a moment saying that would apply to you as obviously I don't know you to judge. However it's something I used to think about myself - I always thought I'd be better off alone, imagined my life for the most part single and unattached and this was something I was completely comfortable with. Having trust and attachment issues naturally helped . And then I met my OH.

It's easier for me as although we're completely opposites in some respects in the ways that count we're almost the same - and that's what makes us work. We don't fight often but every time we do I'm reminded of just how much I love him and how I would be lost without him. In effect I believe that we are actually perfected suited to one another (flaws n all) and that I did indeed manage to find "the one". But the question is for you to honestly think for yourself about what you really believe this relationship is to you? And if he is not "the one" you would have to then wonder how fair you are being to him staying in this relationship that you yourself don't actually believe in?

Original poster

BellsRinging · 28/01/2011 18:14

Thank you for all your comments.

StuffingGoldBrass - I do wish I had your attitude and could happily live without a DP/DH and not worry that something was wrong with me for not being able to have a monogomous, adult relationship. Unfortunately, I have always been acutely aware of what other people may or may not think about me, and have a deep desire to be wanted and loved, even if that then translates into me being claustrophobic and wanting my own space.

Lulumaam - you make a really good point about what I would do if something did happen to DP down the line. I don't know. But then, if something happened to me, I don't know that I'd expect DP to suddenly become my carer or anything like that. I've never thought about it.

In terms of 'settling', I don't mean for the person, but for the situation of having to compromise and do things with other people in mind, not just myself and DD. If that is the case, is it fear of being alone, or not having children that makes people happy to be in relationships?

Given that women (and men), today, can work, have children without the need for a Partner and live the lifestyles they want, why do more people not choose to be single with children?

None of these hypothetical things necessarily help my situation, I know. Wedding date not yet set in stone, so there is room for manouevre.

OP posts:

maryz · 28/01/2011 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onceamai · 28/01/2011 18:35

I haven't read the thread but my honest answer is no, don't do it. The DH and I married nearly 20 years ago without a doubt between us. Both single, both childless, both turned 30, same religion, both professionals, same politics (different classes and there has lay the rub on occasion) and no money problems. I don't regret it for one minute and can honestly say that love grows but it's hard enough when it's almost all right and you have no doubts at all.

StuffingGoldBrass · 28/01/2011 19:57

The main reason why you feel you 'ought' to practice heteromonogamy is because every day in every way you are being told that it's right, and normal, and that not doing it or wanting to do it means there's something wrong with you.
The reason for this is that, basically, society has been set up along the lines of every man being entitled to have a woman to service him. So women who won't play the game are shirking their duty and purpose in life - but the way to convince them that this is what they are 'for' is to present couplehood as a rare prize that women must pursue or lose out on.

oranges · 28/01/2011 20:06

can I ask, out of sheer nosiness, if your dd has a dad and if you have any sort of relationship with him?
As for the settling/compromise - living with any human being requires compromise - I met your "ideal" alpha male would actually be quite tough to live with.
The question is whether you believe the person in question has enough positives to outweigh the inevitable compromises that come from simply sharing space with another living being.

cazza40 · 28/01/2011 20:13

Don't marry it's not worth is why not wait a few months , years even ?!

missmehalia · 28/01/2011 20:36

I do agree that it's dangerous to buy into the fairytale crap. And it is crap. If you don't think he matches you in strength of character (hence the implied lack of respect) then I think it's a bad idea.

I had a couple of partnerships die out because I'm a strong character and haven't ever established compromise easily (though this has been easier as I've got older, I'm not dying to be right quite so often. ) I made the mistake more than once of having a relationship with someone who was just a 'yes' person, a 'whatever makes you happy' person. (A lapdog, maybe?) This used to drive me insane. I wanted to be with someone who had opinions, values and preferences about things, SOME of which needed to be similar to mine. Someone who was observant and intelligent enough to give me insights into things I couldn't see myself. Tbh, I think these are signs of a more mature character. It took quite a while to find someone like that, and I so very nearly settled for less.

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