Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want baby free time?

52 replies

JingleMum · 27/01/2011 20:07

more of a general question rather than a AIBU....

do you still get time alone with your OH? (nights out, weekends away etc...)

we have 1 DD, she's 17 months. love her more than life, but i also love having time with just me and OH. i'm very lucky that my aunt takes her 2 nights a month (my aunt and i are very close) and my mum is good too, she will always have DD when i ask her. i don't take the piss though, i know my mum has her on life, she works etc... i only ask occassionally, and actually feel a bit cheeky asking, even though she adores DD (only grandchild)

i also still like nights out with my girlfriends, and have to be honest, i don't ever want them to stop. sometimes i think i never want another child because i know my time alone with OH and nights out with friends will be few and far between, as my mum and aunt would struggle to see to 2 children. how selfish am i?! Blush

so, what's it like for other mumsnetters? do you still have your own life, as in adult time with OH and nights out with friends?

OP posts:
thelennox · 27/01/2011 20:10

Sorry, could you define own life, have forgotten what that means! My idea of a good night is one where no children wake up, I can drink copious amounts of tea, a sly ciggie, and read a book undisturbed. This happens on average once every six months. And only because dh is out.
But then I have 3dc and a full time job. I am looking forward to retirement!!! :)

lockets · 27/01/2011 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5DollarShake · 27/01/2011 20:21

I have 2 DC - one nearly 2 and one nearly 6 months. They both go down at 7 so we have our evenings to ourselves. Adore them both, yada, yada, yada but would go nuts if not for free evenings. :)

Original poster
JingleMum · 27/01/2011 20:23

thelennox - wow, 3 dc and a full time job? hats off to you.

lockets - yes, i guess that's what i need to remember, if i ever do have another one, things will be different for a while but not forever. i guess i could still have a bit of a social life and adult time with OH eventually.

OP posts:
BlueCollie · 27/01/2011 20:30

I don't think you are selfish I think you are doing everything to make sure you are happy, your DH is happy and therefore your daughter grows up in a happy environment. I have seen a fair few relationships break down because couples stopped being themselves and morphed into just mum or dad and gave themselves no time to be a couple or a person..if you get what I mean. My husband is away and I know it's making me a more miserable person because I have less me time than when he is here. When he is not off with the Army we make sure we have at least one night a month without our DS and dog even if we don't go anywhere......god how I enjoy the lie in Grin
I'm too skint to go out with my mates but luckily my DS sleeps through from 7-7 so they come round here for a girlie night......the only perk of DH not being here it doesn't matter what night they come round.

lovemysleep · 27/01/2011 20:31

I think it's so important that you do have time of your own and together with DH.

I only have one child, but have always tried to make time for me, and to socialise. This wasn't always easy, and sometimes I left it too long.

I honestly believe I am a better parent for it.

Original poster
JingleMum · 27/01/2011 20:45

i'm glad people see what i mean, but i dislike myself for not wanting another child because i'm worried about the effect it will have on both my love life and social life.

i'm hoping in a few years that i'll become really broody and won't care.

OP posts:
Foreverondiet · 27/01/2011 21:18

I have three children aged 7, 4 and 9 months. Have no one to "take them" apart from DH's parents and even then they'd probably only take one of them at a time. And DD not keen anyway.

But they all in bed by around 7.30pm-8pm each night. We probably go out 2-3 times a month together (and get a babysitter) - often to friends, we rarely go to restuarants, generally would get takeway to save on babysitter.

And probably each another time on our own per week (so no babysitter required) - but usually just DH at gym or me at PTA meeting.

If babysitters are too expensive find a friend and do a babysitter swop - ie you babysit for them and then they babysit in return.

We also have an 8am rule on saturday and sunday. The DC get a small treat if they don't wake us up until 8am. Luckily the baby generally sleeps until around then too.

Original poster
JingleMum · 27/01/2011 21:22

Foreverondiet - the 8am rule's a great idea, once the child is old enough to understand obviously. although, i'd probably be cheeky and push it to 9am Blush

OP posts:
MamaMary · 27/01/2011 21:32

I think you'll get broody some day and stop thinking about this. At least, I'm hoping that's what'll happen to me! (Also have one DC). And I also think you'll (eventually) get 'me' time with 2 DCs... it'll all work out! :)

TryLikingClarity · 27/01/2011 22:06

YANBU. You're still a person, being a mum is just one aspect of that. Wanting time to do things you enjoy on your own or with DH is not unreasonable.

You are very lucky to get 2 nights a month though, your aunt is a great help in that regard.

:)

Foreverondiet · 27/01/2011 22:13

JingleMum no have tried 9am doesn't work. Baby (9months) wakes up around 8am and DD and DS1 can manage to play until 8am but find 9am too hard!!! Maybe when they are older!

IWillCountToThree · 27/01/2011 22:20

Our DDs do 8am, but DS thinks 6:30am is a good time to get up!

Training begins when he hits 2...

Original poster
JingleMum · 27/01/2011 22:47

MamaMary - i hope you're right! OH wants another in the future and it'd be lovely to have a brother or sister for my DD. i just feel so selfish at the moment as i like my life the way it is, and feel a new baby would spoil it ( i'm aware that sounds terrible!)

TryLikingClarity - i know, i'm really lucky, that's the thing, i don't want my luck to run out by having another Blush

OP posts:
frgr · 27/01/2011 23:30

bedtime is strictly controlled in this house, it goes into chaos too much if we let things slip. so we do get a couple of hours together during the evenings unless one of us is working overtime (not a weekly event, more like one or two nights a month if that)

we also have 1 or 2 saturday afternoons free of the kids for 3 or 4 hours in a normal month - normally every 2nd week - grandpa takes them to their swimming lessons and they go for ice cream after as a treat (on the bus though, if they went in our car it takes about an hour less) . we normally use this time to blitz the house and catch up on stuff.

we do go out occasionally at the weekend alone, and i went on some work training when youngest was 8 months old. that was for a week in Manchester (we're much further south, no chance/inclination of commuting). occasionally means maybe once every 3 or 4 months a friend or relative will babysit, but we're usually home for about midnight anyway, so not mega late.

having children hasn't impact on our social life too much. i think we've always been relatively tame compared to others, but we met at uni and got the partying out of the way quite soon - neither of us find clubs and pubs that interesting really. we're more likely to go and see a film or exhibition in the time we get alone.

i do think alone time is important though, it stops you becoming "just" mum or dad :) how much depends on the couple involved, for us this balance above seems to work.

cunexttuesonline · 27/01/2011 23:42

I am exactly the same as you, and it's one of the reasons which puts me off having another DC. I think once we move to a bigger place and my friends actually start to have children I might change my mind as they will be on the same page as me then.

MsKLo · 27/01/2011 23:46

Having two kids makes a big difference and it is so much more tiring and demanding than one

But it is worth it

I love seeing my two play together (just under two years apart) and they adore each other

Yes, you do sound selfish to say you don't want another as it will impact on your social life etc and tbh it sounds shallow to me but you are entitled to feel how you want! that's just my opinion looking in...

We don't go out much at the moment but that is fine, we made the choice to have kids and the sacrifices that come with that

MsKLo · 27/01/2011 23:48

Foreveronadiet

You have it good love - my two wake at bloody 5.30-6am

Aghhhhh

solo · 27/01/2011 23:55

Never have time on my own. Am single mum jinglemum (!) have had only two nights without Dd since she was born more than 4 years ago and only one of those was planned; the other time she fell asleep at my Mums and I left her there for the nightGrin. My Ds spends most weekends at her house as she's a pushover he loves her very much. To be honest, I'm happy to be at home with my Dc's and mostly don't worry about having time on my own.

Munaka · 28/01/2011 00:11

Jingle, YANBU to want baby free time. But you do have a LOT of support.

If you had 2 children (then the key part there is you) then you need to be able to meet all their needs. Any help offered to you (for example, overnights) is a help, nothing more.

You say it as though it's a given they will want to carry on having your children for 2 nights a month, even if there were two of them Hmm

Original poster
JingleMum · 28/01/2011 00:15

frgr bedtime is very strict in my household too, i've trained DD well! again, my worry is that i have another, he/she won't be a great sleeper and my free evenings will disappear!

wanksock great name Wink glad i'm not the only one who is put off having another. we only live in a small place, so like you i'm hoping things will change when we move in to a family home.

MsKLo i'm so glad you said it's worth having 2, as i really want to want to have another one eventually. i have friends who have 2 children and TBH things have changed a fair bit for them socially since having their second child. i'm aware i sound shallow and selfish, it's pathetic! but i love still having an annual child free weekend away and the couple of nights off a month. i've got it good and i know with 2 kids that would probably stop or atleast become less frequent. hopefully i'll grow up a bit once my life is more sorted!

solo well i honestly think single parents are amazing, especially if you're a single parent to 2 kids. would your mum not have your DD overnight occassionally aswell or do you not like her staying out?

OP posts:
Original poster
JingleMum · 28/01/2011 00:17

Munaka i know Blush i can't even argue my point, because i don't have one! i'm so very lucky to have support and i've gotten used to it and would hate for it to stop.

OP posts:
echt · 28/01/2011 00:46

YANBU to want child-free time. We were very fortunate that DD slept like top at night, and was usually asleep by 6.30. This meant a 6.30 wake up, but we are both early risers, so no pain there.

We really valued this time, especially as we had no parents or family close by.

Original poster
JingleMum · 28/01/2011 00:54

echt can i ask, do you only have the one child?

OP posts:
TimeForACHEEKYWine · 28/01/2011 00:57

Wehn our boys go to bed we make sure we spend the night to ourselves - although i do spend some nights on MN.

Il be getting a weekend kid free in march as dads taking the grandkids (my two boys and nephew) on a sun holiday to skegness

is that bad of me!

Swipe left for the next trending thread