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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want baby free time?

52 replies

JingleMum · 27/01/2011 20:07

more of a general question rather than a AIBU....

do you still get time alone with your OH? (nights out, weekends away etc...)

we have 1 DD, she's 17 months. love her more than life, but i also love having time with just me and OH. i'm very lucky that my aunt takes her 2 nights a month (my aunt and i are very close) and my mum is good too, she will always have DD when i ask her. i don't take the piss though, i know my mum has her on life, she works etc... i only ask occassionally, and actually feel a bit cheeky asking, even though she adores DD (only grandchild)

i also still like nights out with my girlfriends, and have to be honest, i don't ever want them to stop. sometimes i think i never want another child because i know my time alone with OH and nights out with friends will be few and far between, as my mum and aunt would struggle to see to 2 children. how selfish am i?! Blush

so, what's it like for other mumsnetters? do you still have your own life, as in adult time with OH and nights out with friends?

OP posts:
AuntiePickleBottom · 28/01/2011 00:59

a good bedtime routine is good, then i can be me once the kids are in bed.

echt · 28/01/2011 01:03

Yes, jinglemum. I was about to add a sentence to that effect. Only too well aware that another child could have changed things dramatically.:)

Original poster
JingleMum · 28/01/2011 01:08

timeforacheekywine no, it's not bad of you! not long to go now.... ; )

echt maybe i'll stick with the one, but i hope i change my mind. i also hope that my second born is perfect... bed at 7pm, sleeping through and that my family are begging to occassionally take him/her for the night and let me continue to have my 'child free' evenings!

OP posts:
DayShiftDoris · 28/01/2011 02:31

I think you are being unreasonable.

Not for wanting a social life but that it is a deal breaker when it comes to having more children.

I'm a single parent and have never had many options when it come to childcare for a social life and in the last 9 months I have had ONE evening out.

I have choosen to do sacrife my social life in order to maintain the high level of structure, routine and stability that my son needs (yes he's being assessed at the moment for autism) to feel happy and secure.

People have reacted with UTTER HORROR that i can do this to myself...

Its. a. social. life.

It's not a beautiful relationship with a little being, it's not unconditional love and part of the jigsaw that makes your family. It's not a part of you that you can watch grow, love and be proud of.

Get your priorities right.
A social life is not a second baby deal breaker.

I give ANYTHING for the opportunity to consider a second child but with no partner and no social life.... well you do the maths Wink

InPraiseOfBacchus · 28/01/2011 02:47

JingleMum, never think of yourself as selfish! If one is enough for you, then that's fine! You seem to already know that's what you want, since your own space means a lot to you (Why shouldn't it?). You're not a baby factory for your DH's whims. I hope he helps out with the childcare so that he understands how hard you work, and so you can have a break! x

echt · 28/01/2011 03:12

DayshiftDoris the OP never said it was deal breaker, rather a consideration to be borne in mind.

You say " Its. a. social. life.
It's not a beautiful relationship with a little being, it's not unconditional love and part of the jigsaw that makes your family. It's not a part of you that you can watch grow, love and be proud of."

Yep, and what's wrong with that?

Social life can be beautiful.

Social life can be part of of the jigsaw of family life.

You can watch a social life grow, you can love it and be proud of it.

It's. Life.

All of it.

Antidote · 28/01/2011 03:12

I'd kill for baby free time. Not had a stretch of sleep longer than 4 hours since October, average sleep 2 hours, longest period away from ds has been 2 hours. I am going mad.

If something doesn't change soon I don't know what I am going to do.

Don't have another baby, it sounds like you have a great life already.

DayShiftDoris · 28/01/2011 03:42

Echt

She hasn't said it a deal breaker but she has posted over and over again that if a second baby meant no social life then she aint sure she wants to go there...

I'd call that a deal breaker.

I'm not telling her to not have a social life Shock

I am telling her that really a social life is just not that important.

Have been where Antidote is right now and when a friend took my son out I went to bed for a few hours!! These days if I am without son I go to work...

If I had the time I wouldnt have the energy.

A social life is not a right or even a priority... it's an addedd bonus if you can have one.

Antidote

Oh I know that feeling Sad.

Speak to your HV hun. Is there anyone nearby who will have your son tomorrow so you get some sleep?

If you can't approach HV try the local surestart centre x x x

Antidote · 28/01/2011 03:50

Thanks dayshiftdoris, I am planning to talk to the hv next week at baby club.

My parents are a long way away, but I am hoping Dh will take ds for a very long walk on saturday.

One of the problems is I find getting to sleep difficult so sleep in the day is really very hard.

DayShiftDoris · 28/01/2011 04:08

Give the HV a ring tomorrow and give her a bit of a heads up perhaps so when you see her next week she can make sure she has some leaflets and things for you

Stay sane

DayShiftDoris · 28/01/2011 04:09

PS BTW Most of them get the idea eventually that night time is for sleeping x x x

noodle69 · 28/01/2011 06:21

My mum takes my daughter about one night a week. Sometimes at weekends and sometimes in the week so we can just sleep and chill out. I go out clubbing quite regularly alone with my friends as well and my husband looks after her.

I have one child but dont think it will be any different once I have 2. I dont know why you are worrying though your first is only 17 months so just wait a bit.

TryLikingClarity · 28/01/2011 08:33

OP - it shows that you are mature for thinking this through in advance.

Your DC is still quite young, so I assume you still have lots of time to consider your options.

You know you're aunt is being a great support that many of us don't have. It sounds to me like you respect her and are thankful, which is great.

There is no real right or wrong. If you, DH, and your DC are being cared for and valued then that's the vital thing.

frgr · 28/01/2011 10:19

I am telling her that really a social life is just not that important.

See, I just don't agree with this. I've seen too many relatives and friends settle into the "mum and dad" roles their family life is arranged around. It's a huge part of life, it's true, but it's not the only one.

Personally, I feel that couples need time out for socialising - be that a small walk around the park with your husband without children, or a night out at the cinema with a gang of female friends, or a nice meal out with the in-laws. I think it makes people, in general, happier in life - of course there are exceptions (perhaps you genuinely wouldn't mind going for 10 years without a social night out, for all I know)... however different people have different needs, and a happy parent is generally a better parent... and I'm just not sure it's helpful to dismiss the OP's mature, reasoned questionning about the sensibility of having another child with a wave of the hand and a "Oh it's not that important".

I think you're being naive, and the OP is showing much more common sense and empathy than your post

Quenelle · 28/01/2011 10:28

We don't have much time to ourselves. DS is in bed by 7.30 but wakes any time from 5am, so we go to bed around 9pm during the week and 10pm at weekends.

We occasionally ask grandparents to babysit but not often, we can't really afford to go out anyway. If we go to friends we take DS with us and stay overnight.

We hope to TTC #2 in a year or so. I've been getting broodier over the last few months. It wasn't a conscious thing, just a feeling that's increased in intensity. I know it means more years of sleepless nights and less us-time but I would choose that if it meant increasing my lovely family.

Original poster
JingleMum · 28/01/2011 10:59

thanks for the understanding ladies, sometimes i think that the way i feel surely can't be normal?

dayshiftdoris i totally see what you mean, and i agree that the relationship between mother and child is beautiful and should come before everything else. it really does come first in my case, i'm just so lucky that i still get to have something else in my life too which would probably lessen a fair bit if i had another.

antidote i know how you're feeling only too well, i had the worst nightmare for the first 4 months of my DD's life. she just didn't sleep. but i battled on with learning her the difference between day and night and kept our strict bedtime routine and eventually it stuck. it will all come together for you and you will get some normality (and your evenings) back, i promise! x

TryLikingClarity i'm 26 this year, so i'd say i'm only quite young and have a good few years to change my mind?

quenelle i hope i get to that point that you are at. i hope i start getting broody a few years down the line and feel the same about increasing my family. i think it would be lovely for my OH and our daughter if we increased our family by 1 eventually.

inpraiseofbacchus thank you! sometimes i can't help but feel it's really selfish of me.

OP posts:
TryLikingClarity · 28/01/2011 12:40

Jingle I'm 26 too, so yes you are young.

Wink Grin

If I'm being honest with myself, I feel similar to you. DS is only 11 months, so I haven't really properly started to think about having another DC yet.

I'd reckon that what you are feeling is totally normal.

trixie123 · 28/01/2011 13:19

absolutely you need a balance and if, after serious consideration you decide that your balance will be best served by sticking to one child then fine. I don;t know why that is selfish (siblings aren't always wonderful). It sounds like you have sufficient support that you probably COULD have more but thats entirely your call. I was told by a friend recently that I go out more than anyone else she knows who has kids, but DP and I work it out between us and grandparents etc so we can maintain a semblence of us as individuals, not just parents. My mum and dad didn't do this and have found life very difficult since my sis and I grew up and moved away - its taken them well over a decade to establish themselves as people and a couple again. You are not alone!

solo · 28/01/2011 13:54

Jingle, my Dd still bfeeds before bed ~ usually to sleep actually, but I expect that my Mum may be willing on occasion to have them both over night, but then again; what would I do? all my friends are paired up/married or whatever, so it's not like I can go out for an evening with my friends (have no spending money anyway, so...

I don't have a man to take me out, so what's the point? it'd just be me in my house as usual, but on my own...

DayShiftDoris · 28/01/2011 16:32

fgr

Just to be clear I don't CHOOSE to have no social life

It's the way it has to be

The alternative would be a detriment of my son and thus have considered the importance of a social life at length.

And it's not important in the grand scheme of things....

I love how you think I am naive LOL for living a life with no social life and knowing it's not important...

I can add naive to list of things I have had thrown at my people who hear about the 'ridiculous' way I live my life...

IME the people who make those comments are very defensive of their social life... perhaps my ability to give it up makes you uncomfortable?

When you've walked a mile in shoes as a single parent with NO other person who loves my son or makes him feel safe in his world then you can call me whatever you want.

Until then you can keep your opinions about my level of maturity and naivety to yourself.

Original poster
JingleMum · 28/01/2011 21:59

trixie do your parents help out with your kids? i do agree that if you just become 'mum and dad' it's going to be difficult when your kids fly the nest.

solo wouldn't you just like the lovely lie in the next morning though? do your friends come round to you occassionally?

OP posts:
shakey1500 · 28/01/2011 22:11

Very lucky here. Son will stay at grandparents once a week (granted it's to cover me working) and husband positively shoves me out of the house to meet friends. I also act so have the rehearsal/performance time to "myself". Add to that,both of us go for weekends to London independently to spend time with friends that live there.

is actually wondering when I last actually saw aforementioned son Confused

MoonUnitAlpha · 28/01/2011 22:19

Two nights off a month sounds pretty good!

I like baby free time too, and I love spending time with my baby. He's 6 months old and since he was two months me and DP have made sure we go out together at least once a month. I'd say we each go out without the other 1-2 times a month too. In a couple of weeks my mum is taking ds overnight for the first time, and I'm really looking forward to it Grin

I'm doing a degree by distance learning, so my ds is going to go to nursery a couple of mornings a week. I'm going to enjoy that baby free time too.

solo · 28/01/2011 22:27

No visitors here Jingle ~ not for years. I got depressed and have totally let everything go. I have though, started to sort it, so will at some stage this year, be inviting friends over :) long way to go yet though.

DayShiftDoris · 28/01/2011 23:09

Solo

You got kiddies at school?

My compromise is that when he's not there during the day i see friends but rarely at home... spend enough time there! It might just be coffee or a chat at the school gates but it makes the difference