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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think of wild punishments for 14 YO? I'm so angry

55 replies

pizzadelivery · 26/01/2011 21:21

First time poster and AIBU is a really scarey place to start, however...

My son adds Microsoft points to his Xbox with permission and has always given me the cash (pocket money) and asked if he could use my card. Not a problem as he is usually a very responsible 14 year old (has Aspergers but not really relevant in this case).

I called the bank today to check the balance as it was less that I had expected at the cashpoint. Was told I had 2 card debits for £17 exactly Hmm, quite unusual so asked for more info. Both payments were for Microsoft points (2000 exactly)and the lady said it was probably a double payment and I could ask them to refund it. Smile. Hold on don't remember him asking...Confused

Asked her to go through other payments as this months statement will not come til beginning of Feb. He has used my card for £101 of Microsoft points since Jan 1st! Checked other things and he has also spent £69 in his Ipod in the same time period!

I am so Angry I don't even want to talk to him. Have taken Xbox etc away and told him he won't be getting it back until he has paid all the money back. It equals about 1/5 of my wages (am a single parent).

There are no unauthorised payments before this, thank god

Am I being unreasonable to think of the worst punishent ever. Or do I stick with the traditional - go to school, do homework, reading, which he hates, jobs around the house and then bed? - until he has paid it all back with interest?! No point in grounding, he doesn't go out.

Also I realise I am a 'bad parent' for letting him access to my card, I didn't realise he knew the password and has been a really good trustworthy kid ...til now. Think I might actually be more upset that I can't trust him anymore rather than the money. Sad

OP posts:
CarGirl · 26/01/2011 21:23

TBH I think he has become addicted to the xbox so removal of that and the ipod for a loooooooooooooonnnnng time is the most appropriate punishment for the crime.

Change your passwords etc

MadamDeathstare · 26/01/2011 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 26/01/2011 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clevercloggs · 26/01/2011 21:30

what did he say when you confronted him

FauxFox · 26/01/2011 21:30

Change your passwords, with-hold xbox and ipod for a week or two and don't trust him to self-police for a long while. I would consider that punishment enough.

I know you are cross but knowing all the passwords must be such a temptation and he is prob a bit immature and could not resist?!

Good luck
x

Onetoomanycornettos · 26/01/2011 21:31

Don't be scared, we don't bite! The punishment of removal of the xbox is the best punishment as it is a consequence of his behaviour, and you are right, he should pay you back. I think what happens next depends a bit on him, if he's really crestfallen and upset he did such a stupid thing, and makes a good attempt at reparations, then I'd go easier on him than if he seemed not to care or be sorry.

FauxFox · 26/01/2011 21:31

madam six months??? Shock

bubblewrapped · 26/01/2011 21:32

Restrict x-box for a while, and then get him a pre-loaded card that he can put his own money on and use, once he has paid his debts.

MadamDeathstare · 26/01/2011 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pizzadelivery · 26/01/2011 21:35

I have changed password and removed card details from EVERYTHING! Have also emailed school asking for extra homework as he will have extra time on his hands Wink

I think you are right CarGirl and MadamDeathstare, he is becoming addicted. I can see why, he finds it really hard to fit in with the kids at school, is really the only time he 'fits in' however stealing is not acceptable.

I was thinking about a list of jobs around the house with set (small) amounts of money so he can see how hard it is to earn that amount. He gets pocket money for doing his regular chores, which I am having obviously! What do you think?

OP posts:
pranma · 26/01/2011 21:35

I think a week is long enough but he must pay back with a combination of cash and chores-good idea to give him a card of his own.

Marne · 26/01/2011 21:36

Hmm, its a tough one and i think the fact he has Aspergers does effect what punishment you give him (as some punishments wont be effective). It does sound like he has an addiction to the x-box (i have a dss who is the same). You need to find a way of limiting the amount of time spent on the x-box (maybe only let him go on it at weekends). Make him hand over half his pocket money each week to pay you back as well as doing jobs around the house?

Original poster
pizzadelivery · 26/01/2011 21:39

He denied it for about 3 seconds and then cried and admitted everthing (is really rubbish at lying!) He cleaned his room and did the dishwasher and front room while I was in the shower tonight.

He genuinely is upset, have said we now don't have any extra money this month, was a sodden mess on his bed before he fell asleep...Sad

Thank you for not biting Smile

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 26/01/2011 21:39

Would he go to a club or something like adventure scouts or karate or football because I do think it's very important to encourage social skills outside the house plus exercise releases feel good endorphins.

I would ban it for at least 1 month.

FabbyChic · 26/01/2011 21:41

14 year olds can only do paper rounds, in this day and age I would not let a 14 year old go out the house that early.

Taking away his Xbox and making him do homework etc, that he does not like makes sense.

Tbf he does not need the password if you have put your card on his account, he does not need anything to be able to use it, only has to sign into his xbox account and upload points as your card will already be on file.

He has not used your card again at all, what he has done is uploaded new points which have been charged to the card on file.

More fool you for allowing the card to go on file.

CarGirl · 26/01/2011 21:42

I think it needs to be more than a week because I think you need to help him break his addiction. So perhaps you need to seperate the 2 things out - repaying the money and confiscation as part of the punishment. Secondly talking about ground rules and restricting the use long term.

I sometimes wish I had a parent to restrict my MN usage.

Waves to Madam, boy cat currently gone to bed with dd4, girl cat convinced that she is freezing to death..........

FabbyChic · 26/01/2011 21:42

Get him a pay as you go, i.e credit card that has to be topped up, he can then top it up with his pocket money and when he needs points pay for them with his own card.

Virgin do a prepay card which you could get for him, it is a Mastercard.

Original poster
pizzadelivery · 26/01/2011 21:43

I was going to take all his pocket money...would take til May though, which is why I thought extra jobs to make it quicker. Do you think half is reasonable then?
Also wasn't going to give Xbox back until it was paid. Am I being too mean? Was soooo cross earlier!

I know he is 14 but really not had any kind of problem with him before, aside from the struggling at school kind.

OP posts:
clevercloggs · 26/01/2011 21:43

i think he has learned a valuable lesson, mum being disappointed with you feels pretty crappy

dont be too hard on him, we all do silly things when temptation is put in our way :)

FauxFox · 26/01/2011 21:43

Poor sausage - I think chores with a reward value of money is a great idea so he can 'earn' the computer stuff he wants...it sounds like he has grasped that taking money without asking is wrong so I would focus on the positive of him earning toward these points or whatever through chores to give him some controlled control iyswim??

theywillgrowup · 26/01/2011 21:44

six months,thats a longgggggg time to suggest,1 - 2 wks should do it

atleast he has owned up,if you make the punishment to harsh he will see no end to it so why bother

Marne · 26/01/2011 21:45

Sad, he sounds very sorry, dd1 (AS) can't lie (she does try). Does he talk to others using x-box live? maybe he finds it easier to talk to people wwhen he's not face to face with them (i think thats why dss spends so much time on there as well as enjoying the game). I wouldn't ban him from using it as its something that relax's him but i would reduce the amount of time he spends on there and try and find him a club or something to go to.

Marne · 26/01/2011 21:46

but maybe i'm too soft Grin.

FabbyChic · 26/01/2011 21:47

Take half of his pocket money, remove the xbox for a week, but tell him he has to do chores until the debt is paid off.

Why not see if he can clean neighbours cars for 3.00 a pop?

Remove your card from his xbox account and get him a Prepay Mastercard so when he does need points he buys and saves for them himself.

defineme · 26/01/2011 21:49

I live in Nottingham and there's a Saturday youth club for kids with Aspergers- is it worth looking into your local asd support group to see if there's anything like that? There's also various things like evening tennis club for older as kids?courses at the watersports centre funded by norsaaca which is like local nas group-his school are often sent info about this.Nas local group may have info too.

Ds1 is nearly 9 and has as, have no experience of computer games, but I have been known to remove his beloved peppa pig dvds -generally until the weekend when I can't bear it any longer.

If he's usually good, I'd take it away for a week and then do what others have suggested and set very strong limits/find other interests.