Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think of wild punishments for 14 YO? I'm so angry

55 replies

pizzadelivery · 26/01/2011 21:21

First time poster and AIBU is a really scarey place to start, however...

My son adds Microsoft points to his Xbox with permission and has always given me the cash (pocket money) and asked if he could use my card. Not a problem as he is usually a very responsible 14 year old (has Aspergers but not really relevant in this case).

I called the bank today to check the balance as it was less that I had expected at the cashpoint. Was told I had 2 card debits for £17 exactly Hmm, quite unusual so asked for more info. Both payments were for Microsoft points (2000 exactly)and the lady said it was probably a double payment and I could ask them to refund it. Smile. Hold on don't remember him asking...Confused

Asked her to go through other payments as this months statement will not come til beginning of Feb. He has used my card for £101 of Microsoft points since Jan 1st! Checked other things and he has also spent £69 in his Ipod in the same time period!

I am so Angry I don't even want to talk to him. Have taken Xbox etc away and told him he won't be getting it back until he has paid all the money back. It equals about 1/5 of my wages (am a single parent).

There are no unauthorised payments before this, thank god

Am I being unreasonable to think of the worst punishent ever. Or do I stick with the traditional - go to school, do homework, reading, which he hates, jobs around the house and then bed? - until he has paid it all back with interest?! No point in grounding, he doesn't go out.

Also I realise I am a 'bad parent' for letting him access to my card, I didn't realise he knew the password and has been a really good trustworthy kid ...til now. Think I might actually be more upset that I can't trust him anymore rather than the money. Sad

OP posts:
LunarRose · 26/01/2011 21:54

Think the aspergers thing might have something to do with it too.

Heard the whole Autism/Aspergers thing being described as extreme single mindedness. therefore thought about X-box, had means to gain points on x-box, therefore used means to achieve ends.

What marne said, wouldn't be too harsh on him

Original poster
pizzadelivery · 26/01/2011 21:55

Marne that is exactly it, he can't relate to people in regular conversation, it is his was and his interests or he doesn't get the point. On Xbox they are all talking about what he likes and want to listen to him!

Have tried so many clubs, SEN and regular:
Martial Arts - contact and non.
Swimming - 'he has a lovely smile, but doesn't like the water!'
Trampolining - didn't like bouncing high
Football - took it personally when he was tackled
ASD youth club - but were all much younger than him
Have been others....

He did start going out with one of his friends to the park a little while ago but someone asked to use his ball, sid 'No its mine.' Then got beaten up so now won't go out even though we have moved since.

Is very good at PE (individual sports) but nearest Athletics Club I can find is 2 hours away.

Had actually set him up a Halifax account online yesterday so he could be in charge of his own pocket money...now a bit Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
pizzadelivery · 26/01/2011 22:03

defineme Have tried our ASD club, but Tennis may work! Used to go to NAS meetings, but I now work on a Friday morning, still get their newsletter etc and do go if I can.

Your Ds's Pepper Pig is the equivilant of my Ds's Thomas the Tank back in the day! (then was Pokemon and Club Penguin, you have more to come!)

He still has stuffed cuddly toys which he hides, I came across his dog (Doggy) and bear (Beary) the other day Grin

OP posts:
Marne · 26/01/2011 22:10

Dd1 is addicted to club penguin at the moment (she wouldn't go to sleep tonight because her membership runs out tomorrow and i had forgoton to top it up).

We have a direct debit set up for dss's x-box live points but now he's older he pays for any extra with money he make, he now plays pro on the x-box (fifa 11), he has a sponser and travels to play in comp's around the uk (a few years ago he wouldn't leave the house on his own).

FreudianSlippery · 26/01/2011 22:14

I wouldn't go as long as 6 months but definitely a ban, and tell him you won't be trusting him with your card again.

Sounds like he's addicted, and needs some new hobbies. This could be a good opportunity to make some changes.

Marne · 26/01/2011 22:17

But changes are not easy with a child on the spectrum Freudian Sad.

cookinmama · 26/01/2011 22:18

Had a similar issue with my DS13 although no where near the same amount and it was money he took from the change that I keep in the house for buses and school dinners. I drew up a list of extra jobs he could do in the house and the amount each job paid. He didn't get the xbox back until he had earned back all the money and has been told if he ever does anything like t again I will sell the xbox to pay me back. And I wonder why he says I am the strictest parent out of all of his friendsConfused

Original poster
pizzadelivery · 26/01/2011 22:21

Didn't know you could do a direct debit for points! Was going to put monet in his bank account every month but could be worth splitting it. How did you dss get into that?my Ds is good, so he says Smile also the kids at school ask him about stuff cos he knows, usually woundn't talk to him! They do block him cos he calls then stupid when they don't understand quick enough though Hmm

Am quite willing to do things that interest him, went to Lakeside once on his birthday, was a Pokemon convention, he fit in so nicely Smile Blush went to every one after, up and down the country til they stopped doing them Grin

OP posts:
FreudianSlippery · 26/01/2011 22:28

I understand Marne (not from experience but ikwym) :(

I just mean, if DS is addicted, it must be a sign he needs to do other things. I wouldn't know how to go about it though.

KittaKatta · 26/01/2011 22:28

At least he's sorry.. He realises that he's done something wrong and has already tried to do something to make up (he sounds like a nice kid really)

I think the idea of removing the xbox/pod for 1-2 weeks is good, any longer a bit mean, if it is the one place he feels he fits. How long would you have grounded him for if he did go out and about?

If he gets pocket money without 'earning' it before i think it's unfair to change the rules now, but the idea of only giving him half is good.
Or giving him a choice he can have no pocket money till he pays off his debt, but can earn money through chores?
As you said if he can directly relate doing x chore would only earn the equal of X points it may help him in the long run.
Good Luck and you are so so NBU

Marne · 26/01/2011 22:29

dss started by playing x-box live against others from around the world, last year he managed to get in the top 10 in the world for fifa 10 and was asked to be a part of a team that is sponsered by Virgin, he agreed and came 3rd in his first game (won £200), his sponser pays for his transport and hotel stays. It has really improved his selfesteem and he has traveled alone by train and plane (up to scottland) and has made himself some money (has also won a few i-pods, i-phones and x-boxes). He does spend a lot of time on the x-box but now he's 17 he has started to go out and do more (learning to drive ect..).

Original poster
pizzadelivery · 26/01/2011 22:32

FreudianSlippery have told him that and the ban ends when he has paid the money back. Cleaning the bathroom is £3, kitchen is £3, kitchen floor is £2 (I hate doing it!) doing recycling (everyday) is 50p, taking rubbish out is the same. Learning how to use the washing machine and then wasing and hanging out the clothes (with help) is £3.

I thought teaching him how hard money is to earn would help, also won't hurt to learn how to do those things! Smile. But have said I won't ask him to, if he chooses to thats good, if not will take him longer.

I tried to be fair but now thinking I was too harsh, was really upset that he broke my trust but you lot have helped me realise he just gave in to the I want it now!

cookinmama I think you did the same as me Smile did it work with your DS? I really hope so cos I don't want to punish for the sake of it! I actually did think I wonder if he has been taking money from my change pot or purse, I don't want to have to hide everything!

OP posts:
FreudianSlippery · 26/01/2011 22:38

Your chores sound very sensible, and as you say it is useful life skills!

cookinmama · 26/01/2011 22:40

Yes it did work but it also made me realise that he wanted more money so after the money was paid off I suggested that we renegotiated his pocket money. So now he gets a set amount of pocket money but he can top it up by doing some of the extra jobs that he started doing to pay off the money he was due me. I have also started restricting the amount of time that he plays the xbox by using the family timer feature on xbox as I felt that the obsession was out of hand. I also think the fear of me selling the damn thing still scares him so no more missing money Grin

Strawbezza · 26/01/2011 22:44

I'd ban him for a week, then let him have access on a sliding scale thereafter.... e.g. 1 hour 2nd week, 2 hrs 3rd week etc (conditional on him paying enough of his debt that week and doing all his other chores) until all the money is paid back. Carrot and stick.

I had a similar problem with my ds and phone credit, he learned enough of my debit card number/security code to top up his phone in my absence. However, as soon as I saw the first unexpected tenner on my bank statement I knew it was him, he confessed, and paid up straight away (only £10). Loss of privileges resulted (no lifts to mates etc in his case) and now he asks me, pays me for the credit, then I make the call and add the credit.

Merrylegs · 26/01/2011 22:46

You can also just buy the points on a card (like a phone top up card or a gift voucher- Game sell them for eg).

So perhaps when he is allowed to use the xbox again you should set up a system where the renwal of points isn't automatic on your credit card, but an actual commodity that he has to physically go out and buy. This way he can earn the right to buy the points through chores etc and keep a track of how much he's spending.

Just to give him the benefit of the doubt, if points were automatically being added to your card as you had already registered it, did he realise he was paying again each time? Or was there some chance he thought 'hey, I'm getting more points for nothing?' (Slim chance?!)

loubielou31 · 26/01/2011 22:49

I think your punishment sounds completely appropriate. Taking away the x box because that's what caused the trouble and "paid" chores because he needs to repay the debt he's run up. The link in obvious. I think you've been taking behaviour management classes. Smile

Chocolocolate · 26/01/2011 22:56

Taking away the X-box for however long you decide seems good.

My aunt has a great punishment for her teenage son for when he's really disrespectful. She deletes all of his saved games from the console - perhaps you could do that before giving it back?

Original poster
pizzadelivery · 26/01/2011 23:15

KittaKatta He is a nice kid usually I know he didn't do it maliciously, it just worried me that if he wanted something 'cos everyone else has it' that he would struggle forever. I might rethink the time depending on how he does, if he does get it back earlier it will be limited. He has a Maths CSE in the Summer so extra revision is ideal GrinI have no idea how long I would have grounded him as he doesn't go out, if he did go out probably wouldn't stop him tbh as it would do him good to socialise!

He does earn his pocket money, no jobs, no money Sat morning. He is really good as doesn't really nee reminding once its a routine.

Thank you s much for my first YANBU! Smile

cookinmama I'm going to use the timer when he does get it back, didn't know it had one til I Googled earlier! Glad it worked though, I had offered him more money for more jobs a little while ago, he didn't want to but think he may change his mind after having nothing for a while! Never know he might like cleaning the bathroom WinkI din't suggest selling it, he was distraught waay before that!

Strawbezza I think a sliding scale once he has started to work to pay it off is a good idea, he then will realise that problems don't magically disappear, they have to be worked at. DS looked at my card a few times and could remember most of the numbers! I was going to put my card on his phone so I could top him up, but glad I didn't as he only calls me and plays games! Hmm I'm so glad it isn't just me, and you must be on the ball to have picked it up after £10!

Merrylegs very slim chance I'm afraid Sad he did it on the Xbox, though it was like Christmas I think, then did it on his ipod. He will only be getting cards in future, after he has saved enough money first as they only come in certain denominations!

loubielou31 Thank you! Not behaviour management classes, but work in a secondary school with SEN kids and tried to think what I would do there to improve the behavour rather than have a 'mummy' perspective! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
pizzadelivery · 26/01/2011 23:21

Chocolocolate I actually thought about that, but would feel even worse about making him pay back for games that don't even exist anymore! Not sure he would understand

OP posts:
onceamai · 27/01/2011 03:18

I think he's probably learnt his lesson. Mine can buy stuff for ipod via my credit card account but before I set it up we had a month when I made them very conscious of when I used the credit card and then showed them the statement to illustrate that I would be able to see everything they bought and a limit was set, ie, 3 x 59p unless agreed with me first. Seems to have worked and they have never abused it.

sparkle12mar08 · 27/01/2011 06:09

What on earth were you doing giving him any access at all to your card details?!!! I know it's incredibily hard but you do understand that you bear at least half of the responsibility here? You are not a bad parent at all, but it sounds like a very silly decision to have made imo. You say in your op that he asked if he could use your card which sounds rather stronger than a later post where you say he glance at it a few times and memorised it. I'm not sure quite how the purchasing works, but is the card linked to a gaming account and once that's done he can effectively top up at will? If so it was asking for trouble doing it that way. As to punishments, I'm queen of the wild imaginary punishment so I share your feelings there! But I think you've got the right approach in reality - work to pay it off, withdrawal of the games for some time, and pre pay cards only for the future.

I am sympathetic truly I am, especially when it impacts on the whole family budget in such a big way, but there is not a cat in hells chance I would ever allow my children access to such important and vulnerable information like credit card details.

chimchar · 27/01/2011 06:53

pizza. i think you seem to have reached a fair punishment. x box removed for one week, and money repaid over a longish period.

tbh, i feel that if his xbox is one way that he is able to fit in with other kids, it would be doing him no favours by taking it away long term....

your ds sounds lovely...if his tears were real, and he really is sorry (which it sounds like he is) then i would give him a nag about how actions speak louder than words, and he must never ever do it again or you'll set fire to his xbox! [bwink]

hope it works out...

marne my 10yo ds will explode with excitement when i tell him that your ds plays xbox with a team professionally!! how cool...thats his dream! [bgrin]

brightlightsandpromises · 27/01/2011 07:46

very simple - confiscate x-box, mobile phone and internet. Work out how much he has effectively stolen from you by using your card witout permission. Then think of some chores for him to do to earn the money back, or make him get a bloody paper round to pay it off (if his aspergers will allow this, please excuse my ignorance of condition.

I found that mobile phone/internet restrictions are the most powerful tool a parent can have - mwahahahahahhahaha

brightlightsandpromises · 27/01/2011 07:48

errm, sorry, my post seemed a bit harsh, but i really think the earning the money back is the key, will actually give him a sense of achievement too. Then maybe he can earn it in future too - might be less keen to spunk it away on xbox points or whatever it is if he has had to earn the money himself. A valuable life lesson.