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Original poster

Do you tell your child is from a donor egg

71 replies

arkboy · 26/01/2011 20:21

I have adopted from Russia and plan to adopt again and as a family we are very open - indeed so proud of him and his birthmother. Without her our lives would be so different. But recently a good friend is planning to have a child with a donor egg from Spain. Although it is none of my business I have felt uneasy that she is not going to tell her possible 'future' child that she is of a donor egg. Thankfully as a friend we were able to discuss this and I did mention that denying the child's background denotes that there is 'shame' with the way the child was conceived. It is better to try and explain as simply as possible from the start - is it not? If the family had a history of a particular disease then this information could be passed down. BTW. the Spanish donor will be anonymous. THe rest of her family do not know of this possible conception. It is a difficult subject but would like to air it to the forum and see what other people feel.

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 26/01/2011 20:24

I agree with you - there is a lot of evidence that it's not a very good way to go about things as at some point the child may find out. I also think it's wrong to withhold information from children about their origins.

You could direct her to the Donor Conception Network - there is a lot of information on their website about why it's a good idea to tell, as well as booklets to help you do that suitable for children of different ages.

2rebecca · 26/01/2011 20:39

I think your friend is being extremely selfish and is putting her desires above those of the child. Most adults would want to know if their mother was not their biological mother. It shouldn't affect how much you love the woman who has raised you but this is knowledge a person should have.
The overseas "shopping" for children and gametes is pretty repulsive.

bubblewrapped · 26/01/2011 20:40

It is also wrong to give children TOO MUCH information too soon.

I would also say that we do not know enough about genetics yet, to fully understand what long term implications there are from a donor egg for the child.

ChilledChick2 · 26/01/2011 20:41

One question arkboy. If this was your circumstances and you kept this from your family, would you be happy for your good friend to put them on the internet for all to see?

Not meaning any offence at all btw.

bubblewrapped · 26/01/2011 20:44

Your friend WILL be the biological mother of that baby. It will grow inside her body, and she will give birth to it.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 26/01/2011 20:44

The overseas "shopping" for children and gametes is pretty repulsive

2rebecca - how is life in smugsville?

theresapotatoundermysink · 26/01/2011 20:46

A family member of mine was conceived from a donor egg. They were honest with her about it from a very early age, I think they started talking to her about it when she was around 6. They also have gone to talks and support groups and meet up with other families. She is a very secure, loving young women and I believe that is a result of how the family have handled the situation.

maryz · 26/01/2011 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maryz · 26/01/2011 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyBiscuit · 26/01/2011 20:51

There are plenty of adults who were conceived as the result of donor eggs and sperm who have grown up healthy and gone on to have children of their own so I think we have a fair idea bubblewrapped.

2rebecca - it is virtually impossible to get donor eggs in the UK. Donor sperm, yes, but not eggs.

And arkboy's friend would sort of be a biological mother but sort of not. It's more about a kind woman helping her out because she didn't have good enough eggs of her own. That's how you explain it to a child.

PlanetLizard · 26/01/2011 20:52

I think it's best to tell the child about it in a positive way. Far better than a secretive approach.

Original poster
arkboy · 27/01/2011 13:28

Thanks for your messages. This is purely a discussion and one that I am trying to come to turns with. Although she is not telling the rest of the family - as yet she hasn't even conceived so ChilledChick2 I honestly thought that it was safe to discuss - but I do take your point. Having gone the adoption route I can totally sympathise how driven you become to mother and provide your child with a sibling. If life offeres you the opportunities - I think you should try (at least you can later say you tried) - but do it openly. Thanks for the tips about Donor Conception Network - this is why I posted the issue on the board in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
arkboy · 27/01/2011 13:43

2 rebecca You were a bit hasty in suggesting that we 'shopped' for our child from Russia. Clearly you consider that children are best languishing in homes and die before they reach 25-either through poverty or prostitution. We didn't shop - like Madonna story suggests - we were presented with a very needy 11month old who was given up at birth and sent to the local hospital then children's home. We had no knowledge or photo of our little boy - you don't bloody choose a baby like a Thornton chocolate. Grow up.

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 27/01/2011 13:50

There are plenty of adults who were conceived as the result of donor eggs and sperm who have grown up healthy and gone on to have children of their own so I think we have a fair idea bubblewrapped

"The first transfer of a fertilized egg from one human to another resulting in pregnancy was reported in July 1983 and subsequently led to the announcement of the first egg-donation-produced human birth on February 3, 1984"

Less than 30 years. That is not long term really.

The mother who carries the egg is using her body to develop that pregnancy, her blood, her cells.. that child is biologically hers. She could pass hereditary illness as easily as the egg donor.

MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 13:57

Why would you want to tell the child that she has come from a donors egg?

Would you tell them if they came from a sperm donor?

Ok when the DC get older and they ask how was I born, you can then say, "we really wanted a child but could not and some kind lady give me her eggs and I gave birth to a beautifl little DC).

But each to their own i guess

mamsnet · 27/01/2011 13:58

We have all sorts in our circle.. a Chinese adoptee, Ethiopian adoptees, donor sperm to widowed mum, donor sperm to lesbian couple.. I can guarantee that these are all very loved children. Were their parents selfish in having them? I don't think so. I think they were all adults who yearned to share all they have and all the love they have been capable of growing with other human beings.

Just like me when I conceived my own babies.

northangerabbey · 27/01/2011 14:01

bubblewrap Surely the OP's friend isn't the biological mother, though?

ILikeMilk · 27/01/2011 14:02

I think the child should be told, just in case, just to make sure she/he understands that there is a (very remote) probability of meeting his half-siblings/genetic health disorders etc.

MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 14:03

i have no doubt that is true mamsnet but why risk upsetting your DC by telling them they are a donor egg?

Someone earlier said that they told thier child at 6 and now the go to regular support groups.

If the child was fine, why the need to go to regular support groups?

LadyBiscuit · 27/01/2011 14:05

bubblewrapped - the person carrying the baby doesn't give the baby any of their cells, babies grow by cell division.

The genetic coding information is held within the egg and sperm, you cannot pass on hereditary illness through carrying another woman's child.

ILikeMilk · 27/01/2011 14:06

Well MrSpoc, I think you are right in a way, if I was in that situation I'd rather not tell, but it will haunt me for the rest of my life, as it is a huge secret, and as I said above what if the child needs a transplant in the future? Or what if he meets his half sister and falls in love?

mamsnet · 27/01/2011 14:07

I agree with you on that, Spoc. I probably wouldn't tell (in the case of donors) until I was asked.

But my DN has known from day 1 that she came from China, just like you or I came from Cardiff or Glasgow. It's no big deal for her.

LadyBiscuit · 27/01/2011 14:07

mrspoc - the support groups are to help the child normalise their background so that they can meet other children with similar heritages, not because the children are so traumatised. Most of us donor parents believe in being honest with our children about their heritages, it is not our secret to keep - it's their story as much as ours.

mamsnet · 27/01/2011 14:09

ILikeMilk

As my mother loves to point out.. In today's society of family breakdown it is actually quite possible that a child could in future come into contact with an unknown half sibling/ cousin etc.

She can be sanctimonious about it (DM, I mean) but she's probably right.

drivingmisscrazy · 27/01/2011 14:13

"She could pass hereditary illness as easily as the egg donor." what? this is a very odd understanding of biology! Yes the gestating mother could pass transmissable diseases via the placenta (HIV, for example - but she has had fertility treatment to receive donor eggs so will have been tested for HIV), but not anything that is genetically transmitted.

I agree with others, you can only point out gently that in her situation you would do something different. I am the non-biological mother of a donor-conceived child - although DD's father is known to her, so there's no secret. I think that secrets are just incredibly damaging within a family - but people always seem to fear that revealing information like this will somehow break their bond with the child. I think that withholding information will do that, because it is a breach of trust.

As soon as DD starts to ask questions about her unusual family, we will do our best to answer them honestly.