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Original poster

Do you tell your child is from a donor egg

71 replies

arkboy · 26/01/2011 20:21

I have adopted from Russia and plan to adopt again and as a family we are very open - indeed so proud of him and his birthmother. Without her our lives would be so different. But recently a good friend is planning to have a child with a donor egg from Spain. Although it is none of my business I have felt uneasy that she is not going to tell her possible 'future' child that she is of a donor egg. Thankfully as a friend we were able to discuss this and I did mention that denying the child's background denotes that there is 'shame' with the way the child was conceived. It is better to try and explain as simply as possible from the start - is it not? If the family had a history of a particular disease then this information could be passed down. BTW. the Spanish donor will be anonymous. THe rest of her family do not know of this possible conception. It is a difficult subject but would like to air it to the forum and see what other people feel.

OP posts:

cumbria81 · 27/01/2011 14:22

Of course she should tell her! Can you imagine if your mother had kept this from YOU and you found out at 10, or 20, or 30. You'd feel horribly deceived. Whereas if you'd always known and it wasn't a huge deal, it would be fine.

fedupofnamechanging · 27/01/2011 14:35

I don't think it's absolutely necessary to tell the child unless they can get access to the donors medical history/identity. If they can't gain anything useful, then what's the point of knowing? You can't be on guard in case you meet potential siblings if you have no way of knowing who the donor was in the first place.

I think if family members know, then it is right to tell the child. It would be terrible if the child found out accidentally or from someone else.

Ideally, it would be good if the recipient of the donated egg had all the relevant medical history and identity info, so that they could share this with the child.

LadyBiscuit · 27/01/2011 14:38

Even if the donor is anonymous, then the recipient can often trace siblings as well as the donor.

All donor programmes from reputable clinics screen their donors very thoroughly for hereditary illnesses and if the donor is in the UK, the child can trace them when they're 18 if they wish.

I think it's fundamentally wrong to lie to your child about their origins. The only person you're protecting is yourself, not your child.

MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 14:45

your not lying though are you. You gave birth to the child, therefore it is your child.

What i you had not contact or info about the donor, or that the donor did not want any contact?

Its not like an adobted child finding thier birth child is it?

Wasnt there a discussion recently about giving out sperm donors info and that it would be unefficle. to be fair they were also discussing the fact that some people may try and claim maintence from the sperm donor.

MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 14:47

if my mum told me at the age of 30 that I was a sperm donor or egg donor, i do not think I would care. she was obviously that desperate to have me that she went to great lengths to conceive me.

chandellina · 27/01/2011 15:44

as someone who is considering "going shopping" abroad, i think it is a very difficult decision. on balance I suppose I think the child should be told but I don't know if there is a clear time when.
I think it might also be more complicated when there is another child(ren). For example, we were extremely fortunate to have a son after big infertility issues/miscarriages/IVF so I worry that a donor egg sibling might feel somehow less part of the family, as some adopted children profess to feel when they find out their origins.
It's also tricky when the child might have no recourse at all to find anything out about her donor mother.

LadyBiscuit · 27/01/2011 16:03

It would be lying about its biological origins. My DS is 3 and he already has some idea about his and it will just be something he's always known about himself. If he wants to trace his half siblings or donor when he's older, then I am allowing him to have that choice, rather than pretending he's the biological child of someone he isn't.

Donor eggs are no different to donor sperm - just because a woman carries a child doesn't make her contribution to the child any more important biologically than those of its father.

Stangirl · 27/01/2011 16:12

I am the mother of a donor egg conceived child - with another on the way and have every intention of telling my child, in language they will understand, from a very young age. I have a friend who has also had a donor conceived child and she has decided not to tell hers. OP - I do not doubt you are very well meaning and are obviously a good friend but, as you yourself pointed out, it is none of your business and I would hesitate before offering more advice to your friend unless she asks. Everyone makes their own choice on this and there are often complex reasons behind it.

2rebecca - since I started on MN I have been flamed, ignored, killed threads and been slagged off. I have taken it all in good humour and have never taken it personally. You however have called what I did to enable me to have a family "repulsive" and I take exception to that. I prefer to think of it as making the most of the miracle of modern medicine - indeed my NHS consultant said that going to Spain was my only chance of having a child. Perhaps you would like to pop round and tell my daughter in a few years how disgusting you find her mother?

drivingmisscrazy · 27/01/2011 16:16

good for you Stangirl and congrats on your pregnancy

GetOrfMoiLand · 27/01/2011 16:24

FWIW, my brother was conceived from donated sperm. he was told his origins from an early age (5 or 6) and is now 25, he is a well adjusted and happy man who is perfectly happy about his conception.

singarainbow · 27/01/2011 16:34

All three of my kids were conceived using the same anonymous sperm donor. The middle one (now four) told his playgoup friends when he was three he "doesn't have a dad" he has a "donut".

Lamorna · 27/01/2011 16:42

I can't imagine why anyone would lie about their DCs origins, it is a fundamental human right to know where you came from.
Adult DCs have fought long and hard to have that right, it is important to them. If you tell them from the very beginning, before they are young enough to understand, it is no big deal. If they find out later it shakes them to the core, they are not the person they thought they were.
If you want the DC to grow up into a fully functioning, well adjusted adult, you tell them the truth.

maryz · 27/01/2011 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lamorna · 27/01/2011 16:56

Even if it will never get out, would you be comfortable going to your grave with a huge secret?
Why not tell them? Are people ashamed or worried that their DC will love them less? Seems odd to me.

Blu · 27/01/2011 17:03

Bubblewrapped - Your understanding of how hereditary conditions are passed in is not accurate. Genetics are responsible for hereditary conditions - that's why GM (genetically modified) food is different, because the actual genetics have been changed. Not because they have been grown in a different pot.

Almost every medical examination begins with a questionnaire about the family history, all focussing on conditions that have a genetic link. It would be really irresponsible to allow a child to answer on the basis of a mother, or father, with whom it did not share genes.

Why wouldn't anyone tell a child in a simple, unfussy, factual and calm way about the way they came into the world? It's nothing to be ashamed of, everything to celebrate, easy to understand, and factually correct!

However, you have to stay out of someone else's decision. But she isn't even pg yet - plenty of time for her to re-appriase her current thinking before the child is old enough to talk. How many decisions about parenting do any of us stick to ince a child is born and growing?

5Foot5 · 27/01/2011 17:04

"it is virtually impossible to get donor eggs in the UK. Donor sperm, yes, but not eggs."

Is that really the case now LadyBiscuit ?

Someone in my family conceived using donor egg and sperm and as AFAIK they were from the UK.

Also some years ago I was in hospital for an op and a woman on the same ward was having a hysterectomy. She was only in her early 30s and she said that she had been asked and agreed to be an egg donor before she had the op.

Mind you both these events were serveral years ago so I suppose the regulations could have been changed since then.

GetOrfMoiLand · 27/01/2011 17:06

I agree with others that it is very important to tell a child about where they came from, from a young age.

Stangirl · 27/01/2011 17:12

In 2007 I was told the wait for a donor egg in the UK was at least 4 years. So - I would also be 4 years older and therefore increasing my risk of not carrying to term. It is also true that the eggs in this country are often from egg share schemes where the women will often be older as they themselves are undergoing fertility treatment - so the eggs are of poorer quality and you are less likely to conceive with them.

QODthesurrogacytrendsetter · 27/01/2011 17:18

COngrats Stangirl and all you other lovely mothers - however it happened!

LadyBiscuit · 27/01/2011 17:23

I was just going to say exactly what stangirl said - there's a very long wait for them

Thanks QOD - my DS is the biggest joy in my life :)

Strictly · 27/01/2011 17:26

Personally I find the idea of conceiling from someone their genetic history to be quite abusive.

Noone has the right to lie to someone else about who they are genetically. It's such a fundamental right for us each to know, as far as possible where we came from.

The fall out if the truth becomes known as an adult will be huge. Telling a child the truth and having them grow up will the knowledge is really the only healthy way to deal with in IMO.

hidingidentity · 27/01/2011 18:00

The reason why we have so much data on gamete adoption is because sperm donation is about the oldest fertility treatment that we have - and there isn't much difference between discussing egg and sperm donation with the child.

There has been a lot of research looking into this topic, and the overwhelming conclusion is that it is better to tell, and tell early. That way, the child hears the truth in an age-appropriate way, gradually learning about the process as the grow up. In exactly the same way that they (and children who are conceived the old-fashioned way) find out about regular sex and conception.

By the way - if the child is fine, why the need to go to support groups? Because even though the child is psychologically completely normal and is loved and happy, it's cool to meet up with people that you share a bond with sometimes. I lived abroad and I loved it and settled in really well, but it was fun to meet up with other expats sometimes and talk about drizzle and fish and chips. :)

I'm not looking forward to telling our children that they were conceived using a donor, by the way. In the same way that I haven't enjoyed talking about death recently with DD1. I can understand that it's easier to sweep things under the carpet in the short term. But that would be lying to my child. And that's not right. My nervousness is my problem, and I'm not going to make it theirs.

hairyfairylights · 27/01/2011 18:02

I think it's entirely up to the parent

Longtalljosie · 27/01/2011 18:13

Stangirl - sincere congratulations on your pregnancy

2rebecca - what an unpleasant thing to say

arkboy - people make all sorts of decisions pre-children that they change. It's a good six years before your friend has to think about saying even gentle, age-appropriate things. Allow her to enjoy her pregnancy and early motherhood without this. To an extent, sure, she's kidding herself she can forget this, but that's not abuse. She may well come round, and it's not today's problem anyway.

Lamorna · 27/01/2011 19:08

Hairyfairylights-I think this is one case that is most definitely not up to the parent. It is an abuse of power to withhold information about background. If I was a DC I would be quite happy if I had always known the truth, but if I found out that I had been lied to all my life by the person who was supposed to love me, the fall out would be huge.
Why on earth wouldn't you tell them where they came from?
A person who knows their background can't possibly know how vitally important it is to those who don't.
Parents don't have rights without responsibilities (in the case the truth) and the DC has every right to know their heritage.

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