Do you tell your child is from a donor egg

[arkboy]

I have adopted from Russia and plan to adopt again and as a family we are very open - indeed so proud of him and his birthmother. Without her our lives would be so different. But recently a good friend is planning to have a child with a donor egg from Spain. Although it is none of my business I have felt uneasy that she is not going to tell her possible 'future' child that she is of a donor egg. Thankfully as a friend we were able to discuss this and I did mention that denying the child's background denotes that there is 'shame' with the way the child was conceived. It is better to try and explain as simply as possible from the start - is it not? If the family had a history of a particular disease then this information could be passed down. BTW. the Spanish donor will be anonymous. THe rest of her family do not know of this possible conception. It is a difficult subject but would like to air it to the forum and see what other people feel.

My dd has a book, written in simple child friendly terms, with photos of her birth mother and I together, her dad and birth mother and me, and various mixes! Explaining simply what happened and why - and 2 family trees.
I read it to her lots and showed the photos and she has never not known, it truly doesn't bother her in the slightest. We do now have another local family who have a 2yr old girl who we are visiting again next week. DD likes having this other girl the same as her. We also get the COTS newsletters and I keep the winter one with her "happy birthday" comment so she can see all the kiddos that are joining her special gang.

It is so easy to do today, I thought we had got over the days when people didn't talk about things and kept big family secrets.

Lamora I thought so too - but reading comments like 2rebecca's makes me think that it will be more difficult than that. If people still consider what I did "repulsive" then how do I explain to my DC that some people may not find her origins acceptable to their sensibilities whilst telling them I did it because I wanted them so much and the donor's act was an act of generosity and kindness?

We are currently doing a donor egg cycle in the US and struggle with this question. On the one hand, we want to be honest with our child about its origins. On the other hand, due to very strict Californian law on anonymity, our child will never be able to trace its genetic mother. Ever. I worry about the affect that this could have on the child. I know people who were adopted who spent years looking for their biological mother, and saw the pain and emptiness that this caused.

It is a very difficult decision. I believe it is up to your friend what she decides and that you should support her, whatever her decision.

Oh, and 2rebecca, your comments are pure evil.

Your DC will make up their own mind in the future, if they have known it from birth I don't see why they would think of it as repulsive. They are more likely to find it unacceptable that you lied, it is more or less telling that you think it repulsive or that you are ashamed.

Apart from anything else I think it is silly with advances in knowledge of DNA, it simply is too risky, any DC who gets an inkling of a secret can turn detective.
You don't know from looking at a baby what sort of adult they are going to be and how tenacious they will be in seeking the truth.

Tell them from birth and you have no secrets and nothing to lose.

MommyMayhem - I know what you mean, but all the research that's gone on about disclosure has mostly be done on children who had anonymous donors (because it was unusual to have anything else up until quite recently). There is a American book written about using donated sperm called "Helping the Stork" (you can get it from Amazon). It's really positive about using a donor (if it's the right decision for you - it's very clear that it's not for everyone) and has some lovely stories about successful donation. I know that egg donation is different on a practical level, but the emotional stuff is the same.

I think that adoption is quite different, because with adoption there is a "back story", if you see what I mean. There is always the question "Why was I adopted?", whereas with donation you can explain exactly what happened and why. We are going to use it as a positive story - "We were so sad that we couldn't have children, and then a lovely person helped us out, and we were so happy when we had you".

To be honest, I do find the thought of disclosure difficult. I am aware that it will blow the secret of DH's infertility right out of the water. DH will find that hard, even though he is certain that disclosure is the right thing to do. People seem to find female infertility tragic (annoying in itself I know!) and egg donation noble, whereas male infertility is pathetic and sperm donation is a big rude joke. Plus there's the whole thing where people mix up fertilty and potency in their heads and wonder if the man can perform. But as I said, those are our problems. I'm damned if I'm going to make them our DC's problems.

hidingidentity - that's so sad to feel like it threatens your DH's masculinity. I've never really understood that and why it's any worse than having IVF because the sperm have low motility.

I don't think it has to be blown wide open, children are very capable of understanding something is private and, to all intents and purposes, you look like a 'normal' family so it's not something that is going to occur to kids in the playground to ask about.

My friend has an adopted DD and has always just told her that the fact that she is adopted is private - she can tell people if she wants to but she doesn't have to. Consequentially, very few people at her school realise.

MommyMayhem - your DC can trace half-siblings if they want through the Donor Sibling Registry. And their donor if she chooses to register.

I think what might be missed here when saying the op's friend should tell is that she is at the beginning of a long process. I know, our children are conceived using donor sperm. I never felt any doubt about using donor sperm or telling, but have had a real journey regarding my privacy and who I wanted to know. For me, it was about being treated as normal. We are six years in now, and have a beautiful dd and ds and are expecting baby no 3. We recently told dd's class teacher about our situation because dd is very excited about new baby, knows her origins, at her level with plenty of advice about how to tell, and so we knew she might talk about it in school. But she hasn't yet. This, from what I know is fairly common at her age. She will go through a process of understanding more, but at the moment, mummy is mummy, daddy is daddy. The point is, I feel very comfortable about it all, but none of my friends who know have judged, or offered advice on something they know they don't understand too well, which has allowed us to get to where we are. Just be a friend, realise that she will get counselling from professionals in the field and that no one embarking journey is an expert to start with. How she feels now may and very probably will change, especially when, hopefully she has the baby. Other people's opinions are probably unlikely to have much positive impact.

I should add that dd understands the whole donor gave seeds because daddy didn't have any bit, just doesn't see it as much of a priority in her little life just now.

"I have felt uneasy that she is not going to tell her possible 'future' child that she is of a donor egg."

Surely the key words here are POSSIBLE & FUTURE? These kids don't even exist yet - I think you are being very premature and should give your friend a break. She has years to think about how to handle it and no doubt years of everyone sharing their opinions with her & her DP.

Hm, that's very interesting. I suppose that my eldest is a bit of a talker and tends to chat to people about things. So I assumed that as soon as she knew that she would mention things to others - I don't want to tell her that it's a secret, as that seems shameful, but private is much better, isn't it? It's then her choice. It seems as though I am mistaken anyway, and it will be a more gradual process of others finding out, as and when she wants them to.

The other thing is that if she tells people, I'd like them to talk to me about it, rather than assuming that it's taboo with me, so that I can make sure that they haven't got the wrong end of the stick about things. I feel very protective about DH. He was completely destroyed by the initial diagnosis. He felt that he had failed me. :( That all seems like a lifetime ago now, as we have our family and are very happy. But I don't want him to feel like that again if people are assuming things about him, or joke about it.

I think that the difference with IVF, or even ICSI, is that you can cover it up - people tend to assume that infertility, particularly IVF are female-factor anyway I've found. And then when the child is born, it isn't an issue any more. With DI, it has to be male factor. And if you're ignorant about the process it can seem an awful lot like the jokes of men raising children that aren't theirs, and the women pulling the wool over their eyes. Actually, that's one reason why we've not been open from the start. We wanted people to see just how lovely the bond is between DH and the children before they know, so that they can't let their predudice colour their opinion. (Also because we didn't want our children to be the last to find out.)

I think underlying the secrecy here is a (possible) feeling of shame for the potential mother, a fear of lack of support and/or understanding (as we've seen on here) and just wanting her and her child to fit in - to be normal. Whatever that is..

I think the best thing you could do to support your friend is to support her and encourage her on her path to motherhood. If she feels confident and proud, it may change her perspective totally on the terror of disclosure. I agree totally with the people on here who say age-appropriate disclosure, but how you put things to children is crucial to how they see and handle it. I've got friends who had 1 adopted DD and 1 naturally conceived. They told the eldest when she was in her teens (never thought there was a right time) and she took it very badly.

I think if you leave it later than 5/6, the delay may inherently communicate shame and/or embarassment about the situation to the child. As if there really IS something wrong about it, as if it IS a big deal and something that had to be hidden. That is simply projection, imho. Don't put your issues on your kids.

That sounds like our plan. We will be telling our eldest as soon as she asks exactly how she got into my tummy. Otherwise we will be lying through omission. We've come close recently, so I'm guessing that it won't be too long.

I think that once the initial conversation is over, I can relax a bit. Telling the details gradually over time, as she asks, doesn't bother me half so much.

Hiding - sounds like a great approach. I think someone further up made the point "be open, or tell absolutely no-one". I'm in the uncomfortable position of knowing (along with several other people) that a friend's child was conceived using donor sperm. A few years ago I had the presence of mind to ask if her DH was happy with discussing it (it was back when I was starting to look into using donor sperm to become a single mother, and wanted to discuss the possibility with other people who'd been through the process) only to be told "oh no, it's a secret, as far as everyone else is concerned, he's the biological dad" (normally I'd just have launched straight in and used the crowbar to get my feet out of my mouth later, but fortunately in this instance some 6th sense told me to go slow). Now I know she has told most of the close people in her friendship group (in fact I tipped several of them off to the fact that the issue was now secret, to prevent anyone putting their foot in it). But I feel so sad for her child - it just feels so wrong that a lot of random friends of the child's mother know his/her origins, but not the child themself. And I also worry that one day, someone is going to blurt it out unthinkingly at the wrong moment, with psychologically disastrous consequences. It's got to be the worst possible way the child could come to know about their origin.

hidingidentity - that's the approach I am going to take with my DS, that it's private, not secret. I think there's a huge difference as you say and it will hopefully avoid being the subject of nudging at the school gates.

Like I said upthread, the Donor Conception Network produce leaflets for you to read and books to talk through with your children and you don't have to be a member to download the leaflets or to buy the books. I have found them quite useful in terms of framing my thinking about the whole thing so it might be worth you taking a look.

I'm so sad for your DH that he felt like that and totally take your point about IVF. I remember years ago a friend telling me that her cousin was having fertility treatment - it was his sperm that were at fault rather than her eggs but they told everyone it was her because he was so ashamed. How awful that society hasn't become more compassionate over time :(

I have every sympathy with your friend's situation.

my two cents worth are that personally (and only that) I would find it very difficult to know that (1) I came from a donated egg but (2) there is no way of tracing the woman who donated the eggs to have me.

For me this changes the situation from known donors or even adoption (though obviously every situation is different)

If money were no option in the U.S. you can have 'open' DE, but I'm guessing that money is an option since we live in the real world.

Either way any child is not going to know the truth either bc your friend doesn't tell the child that they are DE or that they are DE but they can't track down the donor. (I'm just the kind of person that would go do-lally that someone in officialdom had a file but I wasn't able to see it. I realise other people may not be so weird this way).

Honestly? I think I would do what your friend is doing and say nothing. But then as others have said she should tell nobody. We have friends who probably used DE but we don't ask and they don't mention it, that's absolutely fine with us.

This is my opinion, which is what I thought you were canvassing. I'm guessing it's going to be a minority view.

I always think tell the child. Simply and happily at a relatively young age when they can accept things easily.

Think it's a mistake not telling the child that they're from a donor egg - even if it is a total secret, in the event of DNA testing, blood typing etc for whatever reason, this sort of thing gets out. Horrible for it to come out as a bombshell, far better for it just to be open.

orange, had forgotten of course that is likely come out through blood typing. damn. now I'm not sure again. good luck your friend OP. very tricky.

Not to mention a genetically inherited condition. My sister wasn't diagnosed with cystic fibrosis until she was in her 40s - any of her genetically related children will carry the gene but if she had used a donor egg (as she was considering at one stage before her DX) then chances are that child would not have been.

Lurcio's story is really disturbing because I suspect that child will find out one day and that is so horribly unfair

It's not just situations now like blood typing that you need to think of, it's things that could happen in the future like regular genetic testing.

By the way, lots of commercial banks for anonymous sperm donors don't keep the files to themselves - you can buy them for your children. So you can find out all sorts of family history, get a personal message from the donor to the child, and so on. It's come from demand from the parents - they are businesses and need to keep the clients happy. :) I'd imagine it's different in the UK now, of course, because now donors are contactable once the child is an adult, so I don't suppose that it necessary.

Anyway, our children won't have to fret over someone in officialdom sitting on the file, as we have copy in our filing cabinet. :)

This discussion caused me to half remember something I was taught in college about the number of men unknowingly raising children that weren't biologically theirs. It was an incredibly high number. Anyway, I've done a search and found this from John Moores University 2005:

"The research, reported in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, was drawn from studies of men and women wanting proof of paternity from testing as well as studies based on genetic health screening. The researchers in Liverpool found that rates of cases where a man was not the biological father of his child ranged from 1% in some studies to as much as 30%.
Experts have generally agreed the number of men unknowingly bringing up a child they believe to be their own is below ten per cent. A rate of four percent would mean one in 25 families is affected."

I'm just trying to put into perspective some of the comments people have made about the possibility of meeting unknown half-siblings and not knowing your genetic history. These were common problems way before egg or sperm donation was possible - just because women often have children not by the person who is recognised as, and believes himself to be the father.