To Want My OH To Grow Up?

[UKSky]

We're lucky and I should count my blessings. My OH works from home and we have a lovely, comfortable lifestyle, and we have a much wanted, and long waited for 6 month old DD, but......

Spoilt all his life by his mother my OH is a lazy bugger.

DD is currently teething and has a nasty cold and she's recently started weaning. So, good sleep has gone out of the window. She's waking every 2 hours from 11pm and needs comforting and/or feeding. She won't take a bottle so I have to get up to feed her, but I would like, just once a week for OH to get up, change her and give her breakfast and stay up with her until she has her first nap, just so I can get about 4 hours uninterrupted sleep. But he just won't. He's done it twice since she was born and each time he's been back in our bedroom with her within the hour.

If he's playing with her and she starts to fuss he hands her over to me. He says he "can't deal" with when she screams and finds it "too upsetting". The other day he actually put his fingers in his ears and said "can't you take her up to her room"?

So, that's it, I've had enough and today I'm going on strike. DD has just gone down for a nap so I'm not cooking, cleaning or doing laundry. The house can stay a tip today and OH won't be getting his freshly made coffee in bed and he can bloody well stay there all day for all I care. When DD gets up we're going out shopping. We're going to have a big lunch out and when DD goes to bed tonight so am I and he can get his own dinner.

AIBU or is he out of order?

I am out.

I am not going to argue the toss with someone who seems to be deliberately missing the point.

The Op wants her Dp to spend time with his own child without handing her back everytime she cries, and to not spend half the night on the PC and half the day in bed.

No one in their right mind could consider that unreasonable, or that he had somehow earned the right to behave like that simply because he works and she doesnt.

If you are a woman then I hope you are happy to be a doormat. And if (as I suspect) you are a man then you have a hell of alot to learn about partnerships and parenthood.

That is "he works for PAYMENT and she doesnt" before you get into that! SAHMs work very hard just dont get paid for it!

He needs a massive kick up the arse!

YANBU. of course he can cope with the screaming - he just doesn't want to. i think it's fair enough to have trade offs in relationships but they have to be equitable and not have massive knock on effects.

for example, i'd rather load the washing machine than take the rubbish out and OH has the opposite preference. however, neither of these things impacts on other aspects. refusing to deal with screaming however means you can never totally rely on you partner to look after your (his) child since there is no way of predicting when a scream might occur. if you decide to bring a child into the world you have to be prepared to deal with all of their behaviour imho - tantrums, screaming, nappy changing, illness etc. you can't just choose the 'nice' bits.

I totally agree with monkeyflippers that he needs a big kick up the arse.

I disagree with the posts on this thread that have said that basically if the OP's husband is a high earner he can do as he pleases. And I also disagree with the poster that said that the OP is out spending his money. It's not just his money, the OP and her DH are a partnership, surely it's both their money?

Fact is if you take the logic of SAHM doing a job, you should work out hours.
BFing through the night, night changes plus cooking and cleaning, laundry, food shop etc- when does SAHM 'come home from the office' and gets a break?

Husband might work long hours but the implication is that when he comes home he has a meal waiting for him and leisure time to do what he wants.
When does the SAHM get to do that?

Should she just be resigned to the fact that because she gets to spend her husband's money she has to work 24/7 with no time off?

marantha: "Do you honestly think alpha males who earn pots and pots of money sit around changing nappies all day?"

No, but generally they don't sit around for hours surfing the net, sleeping in until 10-11am and taking an hour to 'get going' after that before contemplating the possibility of actually doing some work! If he was working 12+ hour days in the City plus commuting then you might have a point. But he really doesn't sound much like a high-earning 'alpha male' to me. Which would be fine (in fact more than fine with me) if he was pulling his weight with the childcare etc, but he isn't doing that either.

He seems to want his life to consist of lounging around the house being waited on by his wife and never having to suffer the inconvenience of interacting with or noticing the existence of his own baby. Actually would love to know what his work/business is, as he seems to be onto a good thing if he can make enough money to keep a family in a 'comfortable lifestyle' with so little effort!

Even if a man has a fairly demanding job, it shouldn't be too much to ask him to look after the baby for a few hours just once a week (maybe a Sunday morning) so his partner can get a bit of sleep...

Ephiny you just beat me to it. My DP would be considered a high earner (though we are by no means rich) . he leaves the house at 7.15am latest, gets in at 6 unless there is an extra thing which might mean 8,9,10 pm. When he is home at 6 the first thing he does after taking off his tie is get down on the floor and play with DS, baths him, gives him his milk and puts him to bed. Quite often he will then cook dinner. At the weekend he is bathroom cleaning nazi and spends lots of time playing with DS and doing things with him so I can have some time "off". I work 2 days a week and am home the rest of the time. I regard my days at work as "time off" from DS and thoroughly enjoy them. We earn wildly different amounts but at no time have we ever felt that he "provides" for me and DS so I can swan about in coffee shops. WE enjoy the benefits of OUR combined efforts. The OP is simply asking her DH to pitch in a bit with HIS OWN daughter who presumably he had a part in creating!

Same here. DH appreciates the fact that running after kids all day is hard work and usually puts the kids to bed every night to give me a chance to sit down for a while!

I guess I can't be that busy if I have time to post on Mumsnet though...

It is sad that he works in such an odd timeframe.

Not sure how many hours he does a week, but if my husband could have worked from home, when the children were young he´d have finished as early as possible to then have family time.

Would also have saved three hours a day on travelling!

marantha, supposing the OP decided to do something you'd approve of and got herself some paid work. Who'd be responsible for getting up to see to the baby at night then? And how would that impact on this alpha male's workload?

trixie, sounds like you make a good team :)

I read so many threads on here (and hear stories in real life) that make me feel as though the SAHM arrangement can never work. But clearly it can - as long as both people pull their weight and respect the other partner and the work they do, it's when that's not happening that things start to break down, I think.

Judging by the opening post here, I think the problem here is much much more fundamental than a few hours housework anyway, I think men would love to spend an hour or so with children after work. Even in ultra-traditional set-ups, a man wants to spend some time with his kids.
I've not taken Opening poster's side as I think that she is in wrong as regards division of labour, but I think her problem is a deeper one: he doesn't want to do ANYTHING with the child-not even bathe her, it just seems to me that this goes beyond a simple division of labour issue.

So I put forward the thought that this is so much much more than who does the feeds.

Marantha I think you are a man and I do not think you have a clue what it is to get up with a child in the night be continually sleep deprived. He husband is chancing his arm and I think you are too mate.

Pardon typos - sleep deprived.

I am not a man and I do know what it is like to be deprived of sleep.
I do not think her OH is chancing his arm at all, that is what everybody else may think here, but that would indicate that he is deliberately doing it.
The problem appears to me to be much deeper than him taking the p*, I just do not think he has bonded with this child at all.

And pardon me, Filofax, but your way of 'speaking' here is very, very male, mate.

No Marantha just missed the train when it left the 1950's....

UKSky - he's bang out of order. I hope you and DD have a lovely day today.

If DH wont listen then I suggest telling him that as he is home and not working in the mornings you have decided to join a gym and go each morning before he starts 'work'. Tell him you will be leaving at 8 and back by 12. He can do mornings, you will do afternoons and you can share nights.

I am not stuck in the 1950's at all, I stated quite clearly that if she and OH worked same hours then same level of childcare requirements would be required from each of them.
They don't- they've agreed that she is sahp, while he earns the money. She doesn't like this and is now complaining, nevertheless, despite being peed off with the situation she still goes and spends his money on lunch and shopping.

YANBU to give up domestic duties for the day and take some time out.

However if he has always as you put it been "Spoilt all his life by his mother.. a lazy bugger" did he promise to change when you had a child or was that your expecatation? I think FRGR's post is right, I was doing no. 1, and we are both currently doing no's 2&3 and contemplating no. 4 as part of our compromise.

If he can not cope with DD(and you need to address whether this if fuckwittery or a failure to bond or unreasonable expecations and remedy it) can he/you afford to get a CM once a week for a morning or afternoon to help you have some time to sleep/catch up on things for yourself?

I also want to know what job this is that allows a SAHP, disposable income for recreational shopping and meals out and only having to work during the afternoon

That said, OP may be bringing in 50% of the wage if she has good maternity pay.

Marantha, are you saying that if you are a SAHP, then the working parent should take on 0 childcare/domestic responsiblity?

Surely, when both parents are "at home", in this setting not during working hours for example at weekends, the parents should be jointly responsible for all things?

Or are you really saying that parent 1 earns the money, so parent 2 must do everything in the home 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year as they are being supported and should shut up if they want a bit of help around the house?

What's all this "HIS" money nonsence, they are a partnership it's their money. I don't work, doesn't mean I'm sponging off DP, it was a joint decision for me to be SAHM, the money in the bank is our money. Doesn't matter who earned it.

I find it very odd when people choose to buy a house, get married, have kids, then have this massive divide over whos money is whos.

I think whats important is that both people get the same amount of "free" time. SOunds like the OPs OH gets tons of this what with not starting work till midday and staying on internet till 3am. He does sound lazy (who needs an hour to "get going" fgs?!), and would love to know what he does to earn this bucket load of cash!

I can't believe some of the crap I have read on this thread I agree with the poster who says he shouldn't be disturbed during working hours which is fair enough but once those hours are over he should be a dad and help out with his baby.

Can't believe some of the 1950's attitudes on here that as he is bringing in the money he should be allowed to sit on his arse and basically. Like fuck, and as for he might like to 'wind' down when does the op get to do this?

As for her going out for lunch and spending his money, good. She is bringing up the baby why he can spend his time as he pleases. It's the least she deserves imo

HowAnnoying, yes, I agree with you, but although I don't like to attach blame on either OP or her OH, it makes me wonder what exactly was discussed before decision to have child, if he explicitly said that the child and home would be her domain, while he earned the money perhaps she should not be complaining now.

I dislike the way she is blaming her OH's mother for this and the OH himself, is she not partially to blame, too?
I am puzzled as regards HOW her OH earns the cash, too, but I guess that she doesn't wish to say so so fair enough.

Anyway, if they've got the cash, why not get a domestic helper? It would solve their problem and be giving someone else a job.
Seems the obvious solution.
Unless, of course, the problem is a fundamental one i.e. lack of bonding between child and father.

Perhaps OP is bringing in a decent whack from her maternity pay? Surprised that hasn't occurred to anyone, because it seems that people are making some pretty massive assumptions about OP's contribution.

By the way, LMAO at the idea that the DH is some sort of getting alpha male, spending his nights on the internet and rolling out of bed at 10am ( if he can be arsed).