To Want My OH To Grow Up?

[UKSky]

We're lucky and I should count my blessings. My OH works from home and we have a lovely, comfortable lifestyle, and we have a much wanted, and long waited for 6 month old DD, but......

Spoilt all his life by his mother my OH is a lazy bugger.

DD is currently teething and has a nasty cold and she's recently started weaning. So, good sleep has gone out of the window. She's waking every 2 hours from 11pm and needs comforting and/or feeding. She won't take a bottle so I have to get up to feed her, but I would like, just once a week for OH to get up, change her and give her breakfast and stay up with her until she has her first nap, just so I can get about 4 hours uninterrupted sleep. But he just won't. He's done it twice since she was born and each time he's been back in our bedroom with her within the hour.

If he's playing with her and she starts to fuss he hands her over to me. He says he "can't deal" with when she screams and finds it "too upsetting". The other day he actually put his fingers in his ears and said "can't you take her up to her room"?

So, that's it, I've had enough and today I'm going on strike. DD has just gone down for a nap so I'm not cooking, cleaning or doing laundry. The house can stay a tip today and OH won't be getting his freshly made coffee in bed and he can bloody well stay there all day for all I care. When DD gets up we're going out shopping. We're going to have a big lunch out and when DD goes to bed tonight so am I and he can get his own dinner.

AIBU or is he out of order?

Oh dear :o

Right, off to my midwives appointment, thanks for making me smile!

Actually I think marantha has a very valid point, no matter how distasteful someone like me would find that set up (H and I work the same hours each week and have around 50% share of the housework).

In fact there are quite a few feminist books attacking the "feminism has failed" mentality which has produced stressed mums who think they were promised the ability to work in any career they want, raise kids and be very involved in their upbringing, be treated equally by their partners, equal pay but with flexible working rules, and so on. Feminism hasn't failed in this regard. It's men who have failed to step into the vacuum that working women have left.

Do people attacking marantha's post really not remember the attacks on Clegg's wife during the political campaigns for (gosh) daring to support her family by working, just like her husband? Have they never heard of the sickening American phase "career wife" - the type heads of large organisations like universities strive for their Heads to have?

I believe that in some American universities the wives (and theoretically, the stay at home husbands) of large University heads actually get a salary, to encourage them to support their parnter's work. They fluff it up a little by calling it "expenses", but there was quite a large section of news coverage on it a couple of years ago (I remember reading about it on feminist forums - one camp thinking that women were finally getting a salary for unpaid work they've done for generations, the other camp feeling it's like giving your little woman her pin money).

frgr, If the opening poster was complaining because she earned SAME money with SAME hours, she would have a point and I would agree entirely with her.

I mean who is paying for this big day out shopping and having lunch?
Oh yes, she'll come here and moan about her OH but she'll still go out and spend his money on luxuries.

And, please, eating out IS a luxury if you've got food in house.

UKSky, try reposting this on the 'Relationships' topic. Been a few posts of this type on there recently.

Why can´t husband at least look after baby until he goes to bed at stupid o´clock?

That would give about 5hrs sleep by the sounds of it.

Well marantha I'm not sure it's as black and white as that. if I was providing fulltime childcare for our children, I wouldn't expect to be treated like a slave.

But each couple's definition of what "being treated like a slave" is, is different. And it's not fixed even within the same couple. People change, stresses at work change, the demands of a growing child change.

I think that the moment one partner in a relationship starts to feel taken advantage of for any length of time, it's a good call to re-assess that. Even if (as you seem to think) that chat ends up confirming that things are more equal than it would first appear when number of hours being worked are taken into account ;)

I don't know, maybe he is unwinding. Maybe his job requires immense thought and concentration (high- paying jobs usually do).
Perhaps the opening poster would prefer it if he gave up this high -paying job and got a lower paid one that meant he could spend more time looking after baby?
But, of course, this would mean that the lifestyle would not be so 'comfortable' any more so maybe not. Perhaps she would no longer be able to make impulsive decisions to go out for lunch anymore.
She complains that he needs to grow up, actually I think that it is her that needs to grow up because she wants to have her cake and eat it.

A simple solution is for him to deal with the baby while he is up until 3AM surfing the net.

If he chooses to stay up all night, then he can deal with the baby so his wife can get some sleep, no? Then she can deal with the baby while he sleeps in as he normally does.

Hi UKSky

I work full time, three days a week at home, and DP is a SAHD. Something we've learnt is although I am working and therefore some things just aren't flexible (meetings, customer visits etc), the working partner can't just set their own timetable regardless of the rest of the family.

So when I do a day in the office (long day with commute) DP does everything - DD breakfast, look after the dog, the evening meal etc and sometimes DD's bath because if I'm delayed I won't get back in time. But when I'm at home I usually get DD up, and finish a bit earlier to play with her or do the tea, and I do her bath and bedtime if DP did them the night before.

Now you have DC it's just not on for him to get up and go to bed when he likes. He may be the working partner, but he doesn't work 24/7, and neither should you.

StickyProblem that's something I've never heard anyone say on MN before, let alone in the national features press. It's so simple and yet so important.

YANBU he sounds like an immature twat.

You say your DD was much wanted - did OH realise what a big responsibility it is?

I don't think that all couples should share everything 50/50. Sometimes if one has an uber pressured job, of course the other should pick up more housework.

But the key point there is, each partner MUST appreciate the other, if that is to work out.

Does OH ever thank you for looking after DD all day? The child you BOTH chose to have?

And I agree this staying up late online thing is ridiculous. He's not a single childless teenager anymore FFS.

Love it! STICK to that plan thhough!

And can't believe you make him coffee in bed - you must be a saint!

thanks BettyCash!

Sorry but the OH IS taking responsibility. He is supporting his family financially.
What is opening poster doing in this regard?
Responsibility does not mean the parents do the same actions.

So thats it then Marantha. He brings in the money, so thats his part of the deal done is it?!

What a load of bollocks!

Are you the OPs OH by any chance?!

Oh and to answer your Q, what she is doing is looking after his child while he working. If she didnt, he would have to pay for childcare so her worth financially it whatever it would cost him to pay for outside help.

Expecting a father to spend time with his own child rather than lay in bed all morning and surf the net all night is no unreasonable. At no point did she say he should do it when he is trying to work!

He appears to be earning enough so that the OP can make an impulsive decision to go shopping all day and have a slap-up meal.
Some would say that he was helping her out considerably here as she has nice days out.
I certainly would.
I'd have a great deal of respect for her if she came back here and said, 'Enough is enough. I'm going to work same hours and earn as much as him. So we will HAVE to help out. I'd think, 'good for you'.
As it is, I find it hard to have any because I really cannot stand it when people complain about their husband/wife then go and spend the husband/wife's money on themselves for luxuries.

Bogeyface. Yes, I would say that a huge part of the deal is being stuck with on his part or do you think 'comfortable lives' come free with packets of cornflakes?

waht's wrong with asking a new dad to look after his kid for 4 hours?
regardless of his wages and responsibilities?

Responsibility isnt just down to money. If you think that a partnership is based purely on cash then I am sorry for you.

Respect and mutual appreciation are more important than who earns what, and he doesnt seem to have any respect or appreciation for her.

Shopping could mean Tescos btw, and who gives a toss if she has lunch out once in a while? She has earned it!

Marantha, money is only part of the equation.

I agree completely that whoever is earning needs to be uninterrupted during WORKING hours, especially when they work from home. In fact I know a couple where the woman is the SAHM and he works from home, and she lets their two kids interfere with his work - and that is definitely not on.

But refusing to engage in parental responsibilities outside of those hours is childish and unsupportive. They both decided to have this baby. They both are working all day, in different ways. But you could argue that the OP is working nearly 24 hours a day at the moment, due to the LOs feeding and sleeping patterns.

When does the OP get to have her break? Why should she have to work round the clock just because her work is technically unpaid? Why is he ignoring the fact that she is sleep deprived and run ragged?

A good partner will step up because he/she loves their partner and child, and will SHARE what needs doing in non working hours - taking into account of course their working hours and what fits best around this. I bet if he even stepped up 2-3 times per week it would make a huge difference.

I don't care if you earn £10k or £100k, that's what being a partner to someone is.

Bogeyface The only time a partnership is not based on cash to a certain extent is if :

a, BOTH parties work same hours and have roughly same pay. So there's no arguments.

b, It doesn't have equal financial weight between the couple- but both parties have agreed what is reasonable to them.
Woman happy to be sahp; man to earn cash.

And I'm sorry but the biggest relationship framework we have i.e. came about because of finances -because marriage exists because it is accepted that one spouse will be financially dependent upon the other for a while- so in the event of splitting, the sahp is entitled to a share of assets accrued during marriage.
So money is a huge part of most relationships.

So, marantha, you're suggesting that if a father works 40 hrs a week for £100k, then his wife should put in a 100hr week slaving for him, and not expect him to lift a finger?
But if he works 40 hrs a week for £10k, then it's OK to ask him to help out?

My DH manages to have a well-paying job and be a good husband and father, because, well, he's not a twat.