To expect my husband not to throw the fact that he's the one with the bloody job and the income back at me!!!!!!

[Silverstar214]

Why is it that men think that just because they are the ones who have a paid job that they can start acting like Hitler?

alternitively ( and this has popped up on a few occassions on MN)
Go through the paper and find a job you could do (theoretically) then work out how much you would have to pay for childcare and maybe a cleaner etc and give DH the option......9/10 they shut up when faced with the harsh reality of the woman going back to work!

Responding to ccpccp, yes I have been at home for 10 years bringing up 2 children that we both chose to have. I have always said when we had children I was always going to be a SAHM.

I don't just keep house and do school runs, I'm here providing a sympathetic shoulder for him to unburden his problems on. But what he doesnt realise and maybe you don't either is that by doing that he stresses me out aswell. Of course I'm going to worry about paying the bills if he's telling me money is tight.

So either he shouldn't tell me all the problems at work or he should be prepared for me to put in my two cents worth! So no I won't back off!

We both chose to have another child together as the time felt right (def going to be last one though). So it wasn't an accident and I didn't force him to have another child but with the other two children at school 15 miles away it makes getting a job, even part time, very difficult as my working hours could only be from 10 to 2. And the money I would get for that wouldn't even pay for someone to pick the children up from school let alone look after the baby.

The point is not why we had another child because mostly we have a good relationship. My point was that he shouldn't act "the big I am" being the bread winner because behind every successful man is a strong, dynamic and supportive partner!

My DH's boss once said "Behind every successful man there is an exhausted woman." I think he had a point.

TBH it sounds as if he´s worried about being depended on for the next few years.

I also don´t really get why you are moaning about being at home if that´s what you chose to do-& have now extended it even further.

If you´re bored at home, paid employment vs housework aren´t the only options.

Hmm - still think you COULD have returned to work at least while the older two were at school, before having another baby. Its ridiculous to think you could only work between 10 and 2! You find childcare and BOTH contribute to it- I cant believe you would have been worse off, with the kids in school for the bulk of the day anyway.

The thing is,youre complaining about the daily grind anyway- which is hardly going to make your DH feel great, being the sole earner for a decade, with you moaning about the housework. Staying at home CAN be a relentless grind- I'm not suggesting it isn't, and id certainly go nuts if I did it for a decade! But having decided to do it, it's not really fair to complain.

Have To say, I find the belief that behind every successful man is a strong woman very outdated- though perhaps you were not being serious. It doesn't sound like your dh needs propping up anyway -he's been providing single handed for a long time,and is understandably anxious. Peoples standard of living is likely to go down in coming months- the recession is hitting us all, and he may appreciate you earning and providing practical financial back up rather than just a 'listening ear'- tbh we all should be providing emotional support to our partners anyway-you don't have to be at home

G

Whoops - you don't need to be at home to provide that

"I'm here providing a sympathetic shoulder for him to unburden his problems on. But what he doesnt realise and maybe you don't either is that by doing that he stresses me out aswell. "

Having re-read this, it makes me feel even more certain that financial, rather than emotional, support is what your DH would appreciate. Yes, we all need someone to offload to at times, but tbh with him working from home, and you being at home getting more stressed out by hearing his worries, is not doing either of you any good. Believe me, you don't stop being a listening ear just because you're not at home all day - plenty of couple both work and continue to provide emotional support - that's just being married!

diddl makes a good point - I imagine your DH sees the future stretching ahead, and maybe another decade of having to be the sole provider. If you are saying you couldn't get a job even with your older two in school, then presumably its not going to get any easier with the third child. So you could be looking at 20 or so years out of the workplace, after which time you're going to (realistically) find it very hard to get employment in anything other than very low paid, mundane work (which you probably won't want to do, as you're already fed up of the routine grind of housework).

I am guessing your DH threw that rather barbed comment in the heat of the moment, which is unkind, but it reveals his deeper feelings of anxiety about having to carry so much financial responsibility over such a long period of time.

I would sit down and discuss how you can plan to have a better balance in the coming years. Don't feel that he needs you to be home 24/7 just to provide a listening ear. Sometimes, dwelling too much on worries can magnify them anyway, and its better to talk less, and take practical action instead

Totally agree with violethill.

Your last posts states you made it clear you were to be a sahm after dcs. Did your dh get no say in it?

If it was a one off comment I´d leave it tbh.

And if you´re so worried about money then a)why have another baby
b)try to earn some-evenings for example?

Agree with Violethill.

I get this from my DH sometimes which I find very irritating, especially as I actually work 4 days a week. But he earns twice as much as me so pays the mortgagae and for cars/holidays/new roof, etc. But I get barbed comments about "being a part timer". I point out to him that after I walk the dog every day, clean out all the other animals weekly, do the food shop, do all the laundry and ironing myself then that is more than 5 days a week.

It sounds like your DH might be worried about money. As the only wage earner in the house he could well feel under pressure.

If I were you I'd be looking at doing some p/t college courses with a view to trying to get a job when the baby is older. You could do evening IT courses/bookkeeping, etc. It looks better on your CV than to have done nothing apart from raise kids (which I know is very important) for the last 10 years. If you did bookkeeping you could do the books for your DH's business which might help him.

Completely agree with violethill, you chose to have another child yet you complain about having been basically on your own for 10 years and your boring routine. And honestly - providing a sympathetic ear as a reason/justification to stay at home!

He shouldn't have snapped, no, but it is quite annoying having someone reading over your shoulder, especially if you are worried about finances and you're looking at your accounts. I have my own business and and my husband is full time carer for our year old son - I completely respect the work he does - it can be very stressful being the sole earner, especially at the moment. You do have (and have made) choices you know.

Couldn't help responding because of this behind every man bks.

`don't turn your problem with your man into an all men do X rant.

YOu do know don't you that he cannot pay what he wants from his work account? A limited comapany cannot remove money just like that.

Only someone who is self employed and not working as a limited company can do what they want with what they get in.

Limited companys cannot do that they have to account for every penny.

I would imagine your husband likes to keep his accounts seperate.

He was right to not let you see his business accounts, they are nothing to do with household expenditure.

He is stressed, juggling a struggling business and sleeping downstairs. Think he might be allowed some slack. If you are sick of being a stay at home mum why not get a job once the baby can be looked after by others? You might feel more fulfilled, he might feel less stressed and alone.

First off, if the husband owns his own business, then surely that business belongs to his wife too? In our house, everything we have belongs to both of us.

I think it is much easier to concentrate on running your business if someone is at home taking care of everything else. Her contribution shouldn't be undervalued.

He chose to have a 3rd child as much as the OP. She didn't get pg on her own. If it was a bad time for the business financially, perhaps he should have said.

I think there is no excuse for the WOHP to hold that over the SAHP. They are a unit, a team, and have divided up the tasks accordingly. One is not more important than the other.

Lots of marriages go wrong and thwe SAHM has no clue about the finances. I can't believe that someone would say she has no right to see the business accounts. Surely that's just protecting her own interests and that's sensible.

The DH cannot have his cake and eat it. He can't discuss work when it suits him and then effectively tell the DW to mind her own business when it doesn't!

If there are financial problems, the situation isn't going to improve with the OP being kept in the dark.

All those people who say she should get a job, it's not that easy if you have been out of the workplace for a long time. That is a consequence of being a SAHM.

If it's something that both partners have agreed to, then the WOHP can't be getting all aggrieved later on. A deal's a deal. By the same token, if you are a SAHM, you have to take the rough with the smooth. Neither option is always wonderful.

and getting a job isnt the holy grail - no doubt she will still have to do most of the housework/childcare/kids appointments as most women in work do (not a judgement, just a fact)

so she will have extra responsibility, less time and a bit more money

I totally agree with Violet. In this climate, if you own your own business, the financial burden must be enormous.

"Well, I would be incandescent with rage because that kind of statement implies that a SAHM does not contribute to the family in a worthwhile way. Ask him how exactly he thinks his income would fare and his career would progress if he suddenly became responsible for providing childcare and all the home stuff that magically happens when he is at work"

I don't buy that. Loads of households with 2 working parents, or lone parents for that matter, manage fine.

My husband tries this one on me and i work!!

You would think he is the only man in creation sometimes to hold down a 40 hour week.
I worked full time up to having kids, then went job share. Was asked to go back fulltime once they started school, tried it for 18 months and then my inlaws died, i was stressed to the eyeballs and unhappy, any excess money was going on childcare anyway and so i went back job share.

Occasionally he will ask "What did you do today?" and i ask him does he want to compile a clocking in card? We argue and then he shuts up. He may work full time but i organize EVERYTHING and he knows it.

Lots of household do manage, but there are some careers which would stall if the DH/DW had to leave work on time to pick up from childcare or couldn't go away overnight because there is no one to look after the DC. Not to take anything away from my DH because he works hard and I wouldn't be able to do his job, but I don't think he'd be able to do his job if he had to take the DC into consideration when booking meetings and work trips.

karmabeliever - well, he did let her look at the accounts, just didn't like it over his shoulder? Agree he was out of order for snapping.

I'm not sure about the business belonging to her as well - if the marriage were to break down then yes, she is entitled to a fare share of their joint assets. And, yes, of course she has contributed. But I would question whether you can say it 'belongs to her too' - I'd personally be quite interested in the actual legal position on that. I wouldn't want my husband having free access to my business account info - and I don't think its his right - and neither would my business partners I suspect. I agree that I should, and do, keep him up to date on the overall position re finances, especially major problems. OP stated that this issue stresses her out, possibly he's trying to minimise that?

Yes, having a child is a joint decision - but if she's unhappy at home then she had a responsibility to to state that too. She's the one craving more excitement/interest and one way to find that is through work out of the home.

I wonder if he feels you don't have much of an independent life of your own and so are always interfering/being over-involved in his?

He shouldn't have snapped at you, but still I don't think you have the right to see his business accounts. Also disagree that providing a 'sympathetic shoulder' etc is justification for staying home, my DP and I provide this for each other when needed, and we both work outside the home!

How is he invading your space by working from home, isn't it his home too? Do you feel annoyed by his presence, wanting some time/space to yourself? That's understandable I guess.

It sounds like there's a lot you two need to think/talk about, the current set-up seems to be making both of you a bit frustrated and unhappy.

Being the sole breadwinner is shit! Thankfully although I've always earned more than DH I've only briefly been the sole earner.

Times are even harder now. He's stressed.

Tell him the comment pissed you off.

He is absolutely NOT right to keep his business accounts from you. In fact, you should be a director of the company, and equal shareholder to your DH (is more tax efficient. What would happen if he was incapacitated or worse? You could lose the business if you are not empowered to make business decisions.

I am in a similar situation re being a reluctant SAHM, although I didn't choose it. and although DH can be a twat, he has never concealed his business earnings, nor thrown in in my face that I earn nothing because he likes it that way.