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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband not to throw the fact that he's the one with the bloody job and the income back at me!!!!!!

55 replies

Silverstar214 · 25/01/2011 03:53

Why is it that men think that just because they are the ones who have a paid job that they can start acting like Hitler?

OP posts:
missjulie · 25/01/2011 04:04

That's shocking!!!! :(

Original poster
Silverstar214 · 25/01/2011 04:13

I know,so here I am sitting here in bed with my 10 week old asleep in his Moses basket (husband downstairs as he snores so much he has to sleep in another room) feeling really shitty and lonely.

I have 2 other children aged 10 and 7 so i've been at home now basically on my own for 10 years. Wish I could find some excitement in my life instead of the some old boring routine of washing, tidying and keeping the family together.

OP posts:
oftenpurple · 25/01/2011 04:25

Agreed that he shouldn't do it at all but what was the context? Was it mid-argument or as a statement of fact? You've got a newborn as well as other DC so maybe all the responsibility is getting on top of him. I know I would hate to be the sole bread winner again, the stress was unlike anything I've ever experienced.

YeahBut · 25/01/2011 04:35

Well, I would be incandescent with rage because that kind of statement implies that a SAHM does not contribute to the family in a worthwhile way. Ask him how exactly he thinks his income would fare and his career would progress if he suddenly became responsible for providing childcare and all the home stuff that magically happens when he is at work. Hmm
If my DH even hinted at this to me, he's be wearing his testicles as earrings. He is being a knob (and you can tell him that from me) and you ANBU.

Original poster
Silverstar214 · 25/01/2011 04:39

We weren't actually having an argument. He was checking his work bank account to see if we could transfer any money to our joint account. He owns his own business.

I wanted to see the bank account (online) as he was sitting next to me and I didnt think it would be a problem. Next thing I know he threw a hussy fit saying that I needed to control everything which is a joke seeing as I feel COMPLETELY out of control, and that I am suffocating him.

I am really worried about paying all our bills and the only way to find out if we are going to be able to pay them is to look at his work account. I don't know what all the fuss was about because afterwards he gave me the laptop to have a look anyway.

But the problem is that he already said what he feels, that I'm suffocating him but I just doing what I've always done. I've know him for nearly 20 years and I've always been like this.

OP posts:
Underachieving · 25/01/2011 04:43

I systematically dissected every part of my other half week as compared to every part of mine when he tried that one on me during an arguement about the washing up.

We managed to agree that taking a week into consideration I do more work, more efficiently, without touting it, and work harder in the same timeframe than he does. He appologised, we had a cuddle, it was all fine...

Ten minutes later he says "so are you gonna wash up". Angry

oftenpurple · 25/01/2011 04:46

Well, YANBU it's a terrible thing to say. But perhaps it was said out of frustration rather than malice.

How is his work going, are there issues that maybe you don't know about? Not implying anything untoward is going on just that there may be other stressors involved in the situation that you don't know about. It's usually the case when my DH says something that makes him look like a complete pillock.

catinboots · 25/01/2011 04:48

wanker

missjulie · 25/01/2011 04:55

Oh, you poor love. Does sound like there may be mores stressed going on.

Original poster
Silverstar214 · 25/01/2011 04:58

He's been waiting on some money at work for a while and it's been a bit slower coming in than he would have liked. The thing is although I dont actually work there he lets me read his emails, texts etc and he tells me whats been happening at work. He more or less tells me everything that's important at work.

He works from home a lot so I just pick up on work stuff during the course of the day. We've always had quite a transparent relationship where he tells me stuff and I tell him if anything important happens. So I can't see what his problem is. It just really hurts when he says I'm suffocating him when he's the one who is invading my space by working from home.

Thank god he's going to the office tomorrow!

OP posts:
missjulie · 25/01/2011 04:59

Perhaps that's what he's worried about then!
At least you will get a little time apart tomorrow. xx

Original poster
Silverstar214 · 25/01/2011 05:10

Off to feed my baby now. Thanks for all your support x

OP posts:
missjulie · 25/01/2011 05:13

Take care, and keep your chin up! xxxxx

onceamai · 25/01/2011 05:18

YANBU and completely justified in feeling upset about this. With a 10 week old baby I felt upset about everything.

But just pulling it apart a bit. You have a 7 and 10 year old already together, bit gap, maybe not planned, maybe he feels this is more of a worry than you realise albeit subconsciously. There's a terrible recession and business are struggling. He shouldn't have said it, not in a million years but it does sound as though you all have a lot on your plate at the moment.

Hope things look better when the sun comes up and that the cheque comes in soon.

Gemsy83 · 25/01/2011 05:50

If you say its been like this for ten years what made you want to have another child with him? Sorry I know it sounds harsh but this is something I never get?

BaggedandTagged · 25/01/2011 06:00

YANBU for being upset but I think he was probably just stressed about money and lashed out. Probably didn't even mean it.

Everything seems shit when you've got a 10 wk old though (just been there).

Confuzzeled · 25/01/2011 06:40

My dh owns his own business too, he is stressed most of the time especially in this climate.

He appreciates how hard I work with the kids but when he's really stressed and had enough of work, I get the brunt of it. I think most of all he likes the idea of spending more time with the kids and less time stressing about money.

I hear all about my dh's days too, I get the stress as well, but I think he thinks it doesn't effect me as I'm not directly dealing with it. I worry every month that we won't have the mortgage paid.

I think your dh was just stressed, shitty thing to say but sometimes it all gets a bit much.

Violethill · 25/01/2011 06:48

He was out of order saying that, but I agree with the others who ask why on earth you have chosen to have Another child after a long gap, when you have already stayed home for ten years and are bored and fed up of the grind of the routine?

If he knows you feel like that (and you say your relationship is transparent) then I imagine he's not very happy about having to carry the whole financial burden while you're complaining about your daily routine anyway. Sounds like you need to plan your future to be more how you wish it to be.

Also agree that with him working from home it must get pretty intense and you could both do with a break

Tortington · 25/01/2011 07:37

aounds ike he is stressed, perhaps you should think of going back to work?

HappyMummyOfOne · 25/01/2011 07:45

It sounds like he is worried about being the only earner. Maybe he thought that you would be going back to work given your older children are school age and away from home for a large part of the day but now dont want to due to the baby.

Violet makes a good point, if you're moaning about being bored after ten years at home (which he has financed) then many adults would have probably made a rash comment.

ENormaSnob · 25/01/2011 08:08

Perhaps he thinks it's time you went back to work?

clevercloggs · 25/01/2011 08:13

did you have a baby so you wouldnt have to work outside the home?

ccpccp · 25/01/2011 08:16

Times are hard, his company has some mild financial worries, and his wife is demanding to see his business bank account becasue she has 'bills to pay'.

Did you think he was hiding money? Do you think you can do a better job of putting food on the table? Have you some silver bullet that makes you more capable than him when sorting the problem out, even though its his business and his job and you've been at home for 10 years?

If so then go and do it. Otherwise back off.

He sounds stressed, and to a stressed person your actions could come across as very judgmental.

lovechoc · 25/01/2011 08:18

If you were fed up with it all, why have another baby?? I agree with a few others already on this.

He was out of order to say that to you, but in times of stress we all say things we don't really mean.

Bonkerz · 25/01/2011 08:21

My DH used to throw the same argument at me too so i went out and got a part time job and started a degree.....There wasnt really any discussion, i decided what i was going to do and told DH that he would have to sort out his work hours so he could help with school runs and that he would have to help more round the house! After a few months of struggling to sort out logistics DH DID finally start towing the line.
Im now pregnant with DC3 and DH knows im going back to work when baby is 16 weeks old and he also knows that childcare costs is something he will have to help with and when we discussed all this i made it clear that i was not going to ever let him use the 'im teh earner what do you do' argument ever again!