To think my daughter is being pushed out

[Gemsy83]

My DD plays with a few girls in her class, one she loves in particular and this girl adores her (always runs up to her and cuddles her at school when she arrives, parties etc). The trouble is this girls mum is friendly with two ladies whos DD's are also in the class, so they all go home/socialise together, the girls have sleepovers and my DD is never involved. AIBU to feel my daughter is being excluded on the grounds of the parents being friendly?

Yes probably...but it happens. Part of life I'm afraid.

Why not invite them all to sleep over at yours?

Yes, but that's how it goes if the parents are friends. Do you get on with them?

This happened to me, only initially I was friends with the group of Mums, AND they were our neighbours, so when they decided that we didn't fit in anymore, my DD had the pleasure of watching all her previous "friends" trooping in and out of each others houses. In fact it happened to both my DDs, and then the other children started to bully mine as well! Oh happy days. It took something like 4 years to resolve although obviously their all being our neighbours made things ten times worse.

So, long way of saying YANBU and it does hurt both of you, perhaps you more so, but that it what it is like with girls and I know you will get lots of messages now saying cultivate other friendships, which is really all you can do. Assume you also continue to invite DD's original friend over? Good luck with it, all things pass with children but when you are "in" the situation it seems awful.

Your daughter is "excluded" due to the mums being friends. But that doesn't mean the daughters don't have their own thoughts on whom they like to play with and who makes them happy.

You can only "force" kids together for so long.... They probably will always rub along happily but that does not mean they don't also like others.

Invite the girls to yours for tea etc. Not sure of ages but when of an age for sleepovers then invite.

Kids tend to start asking for certain friends and parents usually accommodate that.

The main one who arranges things is a bit of a funny one to be honest. Talks to me one minute, cuts me dead the next. I get the distinct vibe im not welcome so dont attempt to try and get involved!

Maybe you're not welcome but that's not really the problem is it?

Just invite them all to yours and let them play happily.

To be fair though the 3 Mums are friends so they have every right to go to each others houses with their kids...doesn't make them control freaks.

It does when all the activities involved their kids pushes out one of their good friends! could give two hoots if im not invited to their little cliquey chats- but it breaks my heart when my DD sees these girls going home together and she gets left out everytime.

Is this your eldest you're talking about?

You're coming across as a little bitter about it...I mean re the term 'cliquey chats.' There's no need to feel threatened by their friendship surely?

Are you going to invite all the girls to your house for tea or a sleepover? That might help

Bitter? I have no need to sit gossiping idly with people just because our daughters share a building and have plenty to occupy my time including working full time and having my own circle of friends. If you think that makes me bitter thats your lookout!

Ive invited the girl DD likes the most around, shes been a few times she just never gets an invite to her house which I think is rather odd.

I can sort of see it from the other side really, Gemsy.

I am very friendly with two other women who live in my road, one is opposite me and the other lives just around the corner. We are all great friends and are in and out of each others' houses, as are our 6 year old DDs. They're all in the same year at the same school, but none of them play together at school particularly, they each have their individual friends. I do invite DD's other friends round but we do see a lot of these other girls, purely because us mums, and the dads, are all friends. I wouldn't actually choose to be good friends with some of the mums of DD's other friends (not saying this is how those women feel towards you BTW)

Have you invited one/all of these mums round for a coffee and so the girls can play? That might be a good stepping stone for you to get to know the parents.

But if you haven't/don't want to, don't worry, as children will make their own way and choose their own friends at school. So although it might appear your DD is left out, she probably isn't when at school.

Calm down lmao!

I mean you're coming across as bitter in your posts and to be fair, that's all I can go on...I mean 'idly gossiping'? Maybe that's what they do but you don't KNOW that do you? They're friends and friends socialise and chat.

If you invite all the girls to yours, you may find they all get on so well that they'll ask their Mums if your daughter can be included at their houses next time

Dont worry about it, happens. My dd 3.11 was not invited to a party recently, that all her other friends were going to at nursery, despite my being on friendly terms with the mother. Invite the other girl to your house, or to do something instead with your dd and the girl.

I really dont want to get involved in the coffee and socialising with the parents thing though as I dont have time to maintain it and tbh I prefer to spend my free time with those who I do get on with because we click rather than due to knowing each other by circumstance. I just wish my DD wasn't excluded from her favourite friends life out of school because her mum is having her mates and their daughters over.

I really dont want to get involved in the coffee and socialising with the parents thing though as I dont have time to maintain it and tbh I prefer to spend my free time with those who I do get on with because we click

And there you have it. Perhaps that's exactly how the other Mums feel. They're friends because they click, their daughters all go to the same school and therefore it's natural they spend time in each others houses.

If your daughter's friend wanted your daughter to be included, I'm sure she'd nag her Mum...but maybe she sees her as someone she just wants to be friends with at school.

Well then just invite the girls over to play with your DD. Who knows though, you might get on really well with those other parents? But if you discount them immediately as someone you don't want to know or spend time with, then you'll never find out.

I just feel that if you want your DD included in this "clique" then it's going to involve a bit of effort on your part. If you're not prepared to put in a bit of effort, then I think it's a bit of waste of time moaning about it all TBH

I didnt say I wanted her involved in any clique I mentioned feeling my DD is being pushed out from being invited being involved in her friends activities out of school.....

So what have you decided to do about it?

It doesnt sound like your DD is being 'pushed out'of anything tbh. The other parents are friends, and they want to all get together to chat, and for the children to play together.
Just because you think that your DD should be there doesnt mean that they will see it like that.

It's nothing to worry about gemsy...you're looking on the bleak side of things.

FACT: DD has lovely friends who love her.

FACT: You invite her special friend over and she comes

FACT: DD is happy at school

FACT: You don't want to be involved in their coffes's etc

They're so small still...they pick their own mates in the end and it wont atter who's mum is mates with who.

Exactly wimple!

But Gemsy you're saying you would like your daughter involved in the activities with the other girls, and have referred to it all as a "clique" so it seems as though you do want her involved with it all.

I think the choices here for you are simple; make an effort to push your/her way in with these mums/daughters, or just let your DD get on with things at school herself.

No I think the Mums are a CLIQUE! And the daughters are forced to play because the mums are friends!