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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my daughter is being pushed out

63 replies

Gemsy83 · 22/01/2011 10:58

My DD plays with a few girls in her class, one she loves in particular and this girl adores her (always runs up to her and cuddles her at school when she arrives, parties etc). The trouble is this girls mum is friendly with two ladies whos DD's are also in the class, so they all go home/socialise together, the girls have sleepovers and my DD is never involved. AIBU to feel my daughter is being excluded on the grounds of the parents being friendly?

OP posts:

pigletmania · 22/01/2011 11:49

totally Wimple, just because your dd is friends with this girl and they like each other does not mean you have to be with her mum and the others. Just invite the girl occasionally, and dont worry about getting an invite back, some people are funny like that, they were back in my day too.

mutznutz · 22/01/2011 11:49

You cant 'force' kids to play together if they don't want to...believe me! Lol

pigletmania · 22/01/2011 11:54

Even though you say you are not bothered, you certainly sound as though you are.

prettymuchapixiegirl · 22/01/2011 12:02

I agree with Pigletmania. I think you are very bothered indeed.

pigletmania · 22/01/2011 12:10

After all the girl is your dds friend and so her mum does not have to be your friend. If your dd wants her round and to do stuff with her dont let your feelings come in the way.

Original poster

Gemsy83 · 22/01/2011 12:11

Yes I am bothered my daughter gets excluded! Of course I am who wouldnt be?

OP posts:

mutznutz · 22/01/2011 12:14

Well I would have been bothered with my first child (I was) but not so much at all with the other two as by then, I'd learnt what a lot of people on this thread have said...and that's that it all works itself out as you cant pick their friends for them once they get a bit older.

Have you decided what you're going to do about it yet?

Original poster

Gemsy83 · 22/01/2011 12:17

Mutz I already invite her friends over and they have come over several times. I am within my rights to feel miffed its not returned- even more so than if the kids HADNT come here to play!

OP posts:

moomaa · 22/01/2011 12:18

Hmmm, I have friends with children the same age as mine. I invite my friends over, they bring their kids. Some of them my children get on with, others they play with because they are there IYSWIM.

I do it so I see my friends, not to force the kids to be best friends or exclude other children. Children will find their own way.

activate · 22/01/2011 12:21

why don't you just say "I wonder if you'd mind having DD round to play at yours one night, I'm really sorry to ask but you know how kids are and she's been getting quite upset that she's never invited."

with a smile and a knowing glance

I will bet that they just don't think about your dd because it is not up to the parents to track friends is it and at most ages most kids don't really care about which friends come back to play as long as some do

prettymuchapixiegirl · 22/01/2011 12:21

If the invites aren't being reciprocated and it is that important to you that they are, I think your options are either to try and forge a friendship with the parents, which you've said you don't want to do, so then the only other thing to do is leave it. Let the girls play together at school. How old is your DD? I can't remember if you said in your first post. Could she say to the other girls that she wants to go round their houses to play, if that's what she wants?

mutznutz · 22/01/2011 12:22

I didn't realise you'd invited them all around...you said you invited the girl 'DD likes the most' around.

It is annoying when some people don't return invites but on the other hand, they often have their reasons.

My kids have gone months without inviting anyone home when my Husband has been working odd shifts...meaning he's in bed trying to sleep.

I think it's always best to be of the mindset that you're inviting someone because it makes your daughter happy...and not even think about return invites.

pigletmania · 22/01/2011 12:22

Well Gemsy invite this girl back dont worrry about getting an invite back. I am sure that your dd will make other friends, this is not the only girl at school. Does she do after school activities at all? Mabey its better if she makes friends outside school so she has a different set of freinds. I am afraid that its life, my dd was one of the only ones excluded from a party this week, shit happens I am afraid. I was excluded by other girls at my school. She will learn a valuable life lesson and just to take it on the chin. As long as your dd is not being bullied

activate · 22/01/2011 12:22

actually don't say "upset that she's never invited" but something like "wondering why she's never been round"

Original poster

Gemsy83 · 22/01/2011 12:22

Shes 8

OP posts:

mutznutz · 22/01/2011 12:25

I really would not ask or even hint why she's not invited round...I think it's rude.

Condensedmilkaddict · 22/01/2011 12:28

My daughter is 8 and in a similar situation.

Her BF at school is friends with another girl, and their mums are friends.
But DD and her BF still find each other no matter how many sleepovers and playdates the other mums arrange...

Friendship can't be forced.

eviscerateyourmemory · 22/01/2011 12:31

I agree that it would be rude to ask for an invitation. I think that you would also run the risk of looking quite unreasonable.

The other mum probably sees no reason why you should be invited - she has her group of friends and socialises with who she wants to.
You obviously see the relationship between your DD and hers as being very important, but she either doesnt, or isnt inclined to extend this to socialising out of school. If the other girl is bothered she will nag her mum to invite your DD.

prettymuchapixiegirl · 22/01/2011 12:37

I wouldn't ask for your DD to be invited round; if your DD wants her friend round again then invite her, and other than that I would keep out of it and let their frienship take it's course.

My 6 year old DD actually very rarely has her best friend round for a playdate, or goes to her house, as her best friend's mum works full time and is very busy, and I spend a lot of time with the friends I mentioned previously in this thread. DD does quite a few after-school activities, she has my friends' children to play with, her sister and brother to play with at home, and we have an 8 year old girl next door who often pops round or vice versa. So I sort of don't see the need to add even more children and arrangements into the equation. I just figure they can keep their friendship going at school, after-school activities, and at parties.

MrsNonSmoker · 22/01/2011 12:38

I think friendship can be forced, and that Mums will always see people they'd quite prefer their child to be friendly with, and some will go further than just having a preference and engineer a situation where children are never allowed to go round to each others houses and are discouraged from playing together at school, and this can happen simply because most little girls want to please their mum, be like their mum, adopt their mum's attitude and outlooks.

However, Gemsey, if this is what is happening to your DD, all you can do is keep inviting the other kids over if that's what your DD wants, encourage lots of friendships and help her to accept that these girls will simply be "at school" friends. It will take a while but if you can help her to accept this you will be doing her a great service. And it looks like you are well out of what might be a "clique". As I said earlier, this is what its like with girls, its something us parents of girls have to learn. IMHO it is helpful to see all these different opinions and "see it from the other side" on Mumsnet, certainly has helped me, even if it sounds unsympathetic its not necessarily meant that way?

activate · 22/01/2011 12:38

of course its rude but not as rude as having your child invited round to someone's house on many occasions and never reciprocating

but it can be done pleasantly in an "Oh you know how kids are" and it doesn't cross that many social boundaries as its parental care for a child not inviting yourself

so I think in this instance a well chosen smiley if you don't mind is fine

ThePosieParker · 22/01/2011 12:42

Story of DS1's life! His class has at least ten parents that go camping together and therefore those children go to all parties. The camping is invite only.

mutznutz · 22/01/2011 12:43

I think I'd die of embarrassement if my Mum tried to get my an invite to someone's house when I was 8yrs old Activate. The last thing the little girl needs is for other children to think she's desperate...and that's how it could come across. She may end up a laughing stock

ThePosieParker · 22/01/2011 12:45

Gemsy....I comfort myself with the fact that at secondary school children make and break their own friendships. I barely spoke with children I was friends with at primary once I began secondary. I would concentrate on shielding my child from all of this/.

And of course OP is bothered whether or not her dd is excluded, gosh we all have fears of our children being mocked, bullied, excluded don't we?

activate · 22/01/2011 12:47

my kids never knew

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