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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for the money back

102 replies

kokolp · 22/01/2011 09:33

I sent DP round to drop some stuff at my brothers last night. He stayed and talked for a while, they then decided to play cards and DP in his twattiness then gambled £200 on a card game which he lost. We needed that money and can't afford to be without it, I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for the food shop tomorrow now. I know DP was a cunt and fortunately has gone out before I strangle him. AIBU to ask my brother to give it back because we can't do without it.

OP posts:
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 22/01/2011 17:37

i couldn't do it either swallowed, but i don't think this guy has any obligation to do so.

swallowedAfly · 22/01/2011 17:52

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gillybean2 · 22/01/2011 17:56

I haven't read all the posts but I think the OP said earlier on that her brother isn't aware of their financial situation. So can't really blame him for taking it if he doesn't know they can't afford food because of it.

OP did you speak to your brother or come to a solution yet?

jade80 · 22/01/2011 17:58

I would def. explain to your brother it's left you short and ask if he can loan you say £100 to get you out of the mess and pay it back in a month or two. You may be lucky and he may realise that perhaps the right thing to do would just be give it back... I would, if it was my sister in that situation.

BuzzLightBeer · 22/01/2011 17:58

YANBU, ask him, what harm?

Just because your DP is a fuckwit doesn't mean your DB has to help him.

jade80 · 22/01/2011 17:59

Unless you could sell something belonging to dh, a console or something?

Acekicker · 22/01/2011 18:10

I agree with those who say it's unlikely to be the first time he's gambled for what are relatively 'high stakes'. Like a pp said, I gamble a bit, sometimes with chips, sometimes for money but not to the extent that I could lose £200 whilst running errands.

Whatever you decide to do with your brother I think you have to talk to your dp about this and why he gambled that much money. You could do a lot worse than talk to Gamcare as well as for me this would be a warning sign of potentially a more serious gambling problem.

As regards your brother it's tricky - like others have said, he won the money fair and square and if your dp had won he might not have been keen to return money to your brother... If you do ask for it back I'd say it has to be a loan or at least approach it that way. But also make your brother aware of the position you're in and try to enlist his help in not encouraging your dp to bet more, at least whilst you work through if he has a problem or not.

Fundamentally though your dp has to sort this out - both the gambling (if that's a problem) and also getting a fucking grip and realising that you can't just bet £200 like that if you need the money for food. Does he actually understand the position your finances are in? If he doesn't then even if he doesn't have a problem he needs to wise up sharpish!

cat64 · 22/01/2011 18:34

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Foreverondiet · 22/01/2011 19:08

I would call your brother and have a real go at him for encourging your DP to gamble money you need for food.

Ask for him to lend it back to you and offer to repay at £20 a week, hopefully he'll say its ok don't bother.

feggyart · 22/01/2011 20:01

Ring your brother. see how the land lies and if he is willing to see how this has affected you whilst making it clear you blame your DP

If brother says tough shit their is not much you can do really.

laserel · 22/01/2011 20:58

YANBU to ask but YABU to expect

elliott · 22/01/2011 21:01

I still can't believe that anyone would feel entitled to keep £200 of their sisters (or anyone's) money that they won on a GAME ffs, if they really needed it back.

I mean I am pretty well off (losing £200 would have no consequence for me at all) but there is no way on earth I would take that amount of money from someone in a game. Let alone family. And tbh even if they don't know the details of their family finances, he presumably knows enough of their lifestyle to know how much £200 might mean to them.

laserel · 22/01/2011 21:08

elliot- Its gambling though, the brother probably assumed that her partner could afford the money otherwise he wouldn't have agreed to the raised stakes. Its the first rule of gambling, don't bet what you can't afford to lose.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 22/01/2011 21:11

was it your money, joint money or his money?

huddspur · 22/01/2011 21:40

I don't think the brother was wrong to take the money as surely the DP is going to know more about your circumstances than your brother. So if he thinks its ok then it would be odd for the brother to object.

byrel · 22/01/2011 22:00

What did you decide to do OP?

reratio · 23/01/2011 08:21

YANBU to ask, I'm sure your brother wouldn't want you to suffer financial hardship because of Ps stupidity.

Boys2mam · 23/01/2011 11:23

Did you speak to your DB OP?

I don't think YABU, in your shoes I wouldn't hesitate to speak to my brother and make him give it back discuss it with him. Guess it depends on your relationship with your brother.

ccpccp · 23/01/2011 12:16

YABU. Gambling debts are an honour thing and your DP would lose a lot of face asking for the money back. Doubly so if you go and do it.

Also - how do you know there havent been times before where your DP won? It might be that the brother wanted to gamble for a chance to win some of his money back from previous games!

And finally - was it his money to lose (putting housekeeping considerations to one side for a minute)?

taintedpaint · 23/01/2011 12:44

ccpccp, he deserves to lose honour FFS. He gambled away the food from his child's mouth. OP should go ask her DB, the more humiliation, the better. Perhaps that way her dick of a DP won't fuck up like that again.

What happened OP?

queenlet · 23/01/2011 13:10

All these people who are saying have a go at the brother, why do you think that will encourage him to give it back?

Original poster
kokolp · 23/01/2011 17:37

I did go and speak to him and explained the situation and he gave it back so financially we're okay again. I also asked whether DP had gambled real money before and he has but its normally only £5-10 so I'm not happy that DP hasn't been honest with me and will speak to him about it.

OP posts:
Al1son · 23/01/2011 17:56

You are very lucky to have such an understanding brother.

As far as your DP is concerned this could be the top of a very slippery slope both in terms of his gambling habits and in terms of having a relationship built on honesty. They are each as big as the other.

You need to draw a very firm line and make it clear that you cannot continue in this relationship if he crosses it again. You've bailed him out this time but he can't rely on that happening next time.

Good luck.

Acekicker · 23/01/2011 18:47

That is a huge jump in betting. You definitely do need to talk to DP to understand what the hell posessed him to do this. Does he understand how tight money is for you.

I think you need to get him to be honest with you about his gambling - has it always been just the odd fiver with your brother or are there fivers and tenners here and there with other people too, or scratchcards, bookies etc. I really would advise contacting Gamcare and asking what they advise too as a jump from 'normally £5 or £10' to losing £200 is not what I would see as under control gambling.

Let us know how it goes.

Vallhala · 23/01/2011 18:56

My father has often told of the time when his Great Grandmother took over the family finances and gave his Great Grandfather only pocket money thereafter. The old man played at cards with Dr Barnardo, the story goes. He upped the ante just a bit too much when he bet... and lost... his house!

I'd suggest you treat your DP just as my G G Nan did her husband - someone who can only be trusted with pocket money,

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