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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for the money back

102 replies

kokolp · 22/01/2011 09:33

I sent DP round to drop some stuff at my brothers last night. He stayed and talked for a while, they then decided to play cards and DP in his twattiness then gambled £200 on a card game which he lost. We needed that money and can't afford to be without it, I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for the food shop tomorrow now. I know DP was a cunt and fortunately has gone out before I strangle him. AIBU to ask my brother to give it back because we can't do without it.

OP posts:
chillichill · 22/01/2011 12:06

so, have you rung your brother yet?
I would be fumming at the pair of them. my dh plays poker but never leaves the house with more than£20 and leaves his bank card home.

LIZS · 22/01/2011 12:11

You can ask but be prepared to fall out over it. It wasn't as casual as you seem to want to believe if dp took the trouble to go and get the moeny out straight away. Sorry but you quarrel is with dp not your brother. He should be the one doing the begging.

huddspur · 22/01/2011 12:14

chillichill- Why would you be angry at the brother? He's done nothing wrong as far as I can see

Antidote · 22/01/2011 12:15

I would be busy putting dp's most valuable assets on eBay. To the tune of 200 quid.

kittybuttoon · 22/01/2011 12:18

If you sort this out for your DP, you're setting a dangerous precedent, Kolko.

It's really important for him to accept responsibility for his own gambling habits.

Let him see how he's reduced you and the kids to eating pasta and cheap sauce for a week, and bin him if he doesn't take some positive action himself to make everything all right.

chillichill · 22/01/2011 12:23

I would be angry at my brother for playing such high stakes with my dh. I expect family to look out for eachother and gambling £200 is a bad idea unless you are fairly wealthy or don't have kids. I would have hoped my brother would talk dh out of it at a casino so the same goes at home. but I would also expect dh to do the same for my brother which is why I would be raging at the 2 of them.

fluffles · 22/01/2011 12:31

I think YANBU to ask but you can't expect your brother to agree to give it back.

But you can then also ask your DB to not ever play with your DP for money again. Again, DB can refuse but it's best to make your feelings clear.

THEN you need to have a really really big talk with DP... he's the problem and if it had been anybody other than your DB you wouldn't even have the option of grovelling for the money SadAngry

TheSleepFairy · 22/01/2011 12:53

Did you DP know that it was your last £200? My DH is a bit clueless where our bank account is concerned & some days (at the end of the month) will wander through the door with tesco bags full of pringles, coke & beer & I'd be standing their mentally adjusting the meal plannner whilst gentley telling him we don't have very much left this week so go easy on the snacks & beer.

I think you should call you brother now & tell him you need the money back, what is just them 2 involved or was a boys card game with other friends?

Hatesponge · 22/01/2011 13:05

YABU.

Your DP is a grown man, not a child. He knew exactly what he was doing in gambling, and took a chance no doubt because he thought he would double - or more - that £200. He was wrong, and now he (and you unfortunately) have to live with the consequences.

I doubt this is the first time he's gambled, but its prob the first time he's lost significantly. If he'd won, or indeed broke even, you wouldn't know a thing about it. He's only told you because he lost bigtime, which as any gambler will tell you has to happen sometime.

Don't baby your DP. This is his fuck up and he needs to sort it out. If that means going to your DB and asking to borrow the money back and pay it back - with interest if necessary - then so be it. If DP can't be bothered, I'd show him the door.

southmum · 22/01/2011 13:06

YANBU - your DP is a dick and if your brother has an ounce of decency he would give it back

zukiecat · 22/01/2011 14:02

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clevercloggs · 22/01/2011 14:41

the partner is to blame he should take responsiblity for his stupidity

the brother has no obligation to pay it back, like someone else said Corals wouldnt be listening to sob stories and returning it

Bogeyface · 22/01/2011 14:41

I agree with the others that have said it is unlikely that this is the first time he has done it. You dont go from playing for nothing to a £200 loss overnight. It really does sound like his wins/losses have been minimal so far and have managed to go under the family finance radar but this was too big a loss for him to hide.

Dont be at all surprised if your bro tells you what has really been going on.

clevercloggs · 22/01/2011 14:43

why do so many on here baby their OHs and treat them like children, who cant be expected to understand finances

if i wanted another child, i would have one
I expect my partner to be equal in all things, emotional and financial

swallowedAfly · 22/01/2011 14:58

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Bogeyface · 22/01/2011 15:02

Cleverclogs, thats all very well saying that now, but its a bit late!

The OP probably expected that too, but what she has got is vastly different and if he has a gambling problem, and losing £200 that they cant afford is a problem whether it is a one off or not, then he cant be trusted with money and she will have to take over.

I agree that he shouldnt have to be treated like a child but the OP and the kids shouldnt have to go hungry and their needs must come before his need to be treated like the responsible adult he isnt!

cat64 · 22/01/2011 15:12

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create · 22/01/2011 15:15

I'd be amazed if it's really the first time they've played for money . You don't move from playing for plastic chips to losing £200 in one game. I play occasioinally with regulars the most I've ever lost is £20, which I treat as the "cost" of my night out.

I'd talk to your brother, explain the situation and find out how often they've really played for cash.

If they play regularly and your OH has won in the past, your brother should have no qualms about keeping it, but he should feel bad about his sister's DC going hungry and offer to help in some way, even if it's a small loan.

If it's really a one off and I was your brother, on realising the situation it's left you in, I would give you the money, but I'd let your DP go on believing he's lost it.

Then your DPs issues must be dealt with - firstly by him facing up to what he's done and working out how he's going to replace it. Working 2 jobs if necessary or selling his music collection/bike/favourite teddy if necessary.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 22/01/2011 15:24

"I would be angry at my brother for playing such high stakes with my dh. I expect family to look out for eachother and gambling £200 is a bad idea unless you are fairly wealthy or don't have kids. I would have hoped my brother would talk dh out of it at a casino so the same goes at home. but I would also expect dh to do the same for my brother which is why I would be raging at the 2 of them."

erm, the partner also played to those high stakes. why should it have been up to the brother to shut the game down? presumably he could have lost aswell so it isn't as if he let his BIL walk into a trap they were both playing and both could have lost. it isn't up to the brother to police what an adult spends on gambling. if the partner had won would you be saying that he shouldn't have let OP's brother play to such high stakes?

and as i said before, none of my family know about my financial situation. if i entered a poker game (i dont gamble but if i did) i wouldn't be hoping or expecting anyone else at the table to be keeping an eye on what i was betting. it isn't their job it's mine.

ILoveFrogs · 22/01/2011 15:47

I agree with the others that have said you don't just blow £200 as a once off, I suspect your DH has won money off your brother previously and your brother hasn't had that money back so I wouldn't expect him to give you your money back. Of course I could be way off the mark.

I guess it depends on the type of relationship you have with your brother, it wouldn't be fair to put him in an awkward position as he did win the money fair and square, by all means ask but don't get upset with him if he says no, this is all your DH doing not your brothers.

elliott · 22/01/2011 16:37

I'm really shocked by the consensus that the money now morally 'belongs' to the brother because they gambled it. I suppose I have never ever gambled for money with friends or family so just can't understand how you can feel entitled to win £200 of your mate's money in a game. Seems completely wrong to me.

gillybean2 · 22/01/2011 17:02

Elliot I agree with you. But lots of people do gamble and it is normal for them and not just a bit of fun (I mean it is fun but they also take it seriously).
The guys in my office all have bets going on between themselves on the football weekly, and other things. I was shocked that my boss would take money off other employees, but they pay up too when they loose.
It's a different world to me as I couldn't imagine doing that, and it's not something I understand. I am of the opinion that it is some kind of male thing, there are plenty of places around where you can put a bet on teh horses or whatever so it's a common thing generally.

And having seen the gus at work I can say that thee is no way you can't simply ask for the money back, especially if it is something you do regularly.
All you can do is say no to gambling in the first place. But late for that in the OP's case :(

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 22/01/2011 17:24

"I'm really shocked by the consensus that the money now morally 'belongs' to the brother because they gambled it."

i do see your point, that as it is family you personally wouldn't hold them to the bet but it sounds like these two have been playing seriously and tehy are both adults, both knew the score before betting and both risked losing. i dont think the brother would be Ur to say "no i won it fair and square i am keeping it" maybe not very brotherly of him but i dont think he would be wrong. teh arsehole in this is teh DP.

swallowedAfly · 22/01/2011 17:32

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Ladyofthehousespeaking · 22/01/2011 17:37

I would make DP crawl back to DB on his belly to ask for it back. What a fucking idiot.

Your brother should give it back IMO

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