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AIBU?

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Original poster

FOr continuing this?

72 replies

R2G · 21/01/2011 23:36

I am currently getting divorced after 16 years with my husband.

After 4 months apart I registered on internet dating (at the suggestion of a work friend). I didn't really intend to meet anyone, more just practice talking to men outside of real life.

Anyway I had met someone, we met after both agreeing we didn't want a relationship. Agreed not to see other people and have fun times together. Had sexual relationship immediately (was great), and over the last three months spent three or four nights/evenings a week together.

He has said he wanted to meet my son
He said he really cares for me
He does things like pick me up from airport, nights out twenty miles away.
He helped me do all my Christmas shopping and wrapping.

Howver, I recently said after 4 months I couldnt continue in this non - relationship status when we were clearly having a relationship.

He said I knew what it was from the start, he does care for me but it's not a relationship. He cited an example of if I was ill he would not have to come and look after me. A week later when I was ill he texted to see I was okay and came round tescos to do my weekly shop with me, and change my shower head as it was dripping!

We are going for a weekend away next week.

I was with my husband from a very young age, and have no idea what is going on.

Advice and help from more wordly wise, less emotionally detached women and men please.

Part of me thinks I should stop being a doormat, and the other part thinks I am going through a tough divorce and he makes life easier all the time with his help and lifts and chats and sex... what should I do?

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 21/01/2011 23:40

Well, my advice, such as it is, would be this. Work out what you want. Do you want something casual? a 'boyfriend' with the low level of commitment that involves, or do you want a relationship that is moving towards living together and becoming a family?

When you know what you want, talk to him again. Tell him what you want and what you need. Ask him what he wants and needs. If the two don't match, walk away.

bubblewrapped · 21/01/2011 23:40

What more do you want from him though?

It clearly is a relationship, but maybe as you arent yet divorced, he wants to hold back a bit.

Changeisagoodthing · 21/01/2011 23:42

Is it justbthat he is also having sex with other women and wants to continue?

GreenEyesandHam · 21/01/2011 23:43

Walk away. Quite quickly.

Too, too soon. Take time to get used to being out of any kind of relationship and re-adjusting to life outside of a marriage.

Plus, for all the bonuses of the Internet, I think there is a certain 'type' who relate to it in a different way- be it as a friend, lover, whatever and can 'detach' from reality. To be avoided IMO

Original poster
R2G · 21/01/2011 23:44

I thought so. I thought we were both just holding back as it wasn't the right time for a commitment, but apparantely not. He does not want a relationship at all, he said 'even if Cheryl Cole' walked in.

I have continued it because I would be happy with this level of relationship if he would just say yes it is a relationship with a view to taking it very very slowly, but he has said he does not want a relationship.

I feel hurt to be honest like I've now been assessed and not deemed suitable. I walked away for two days and then just thought with everything else I'm going through I didnt feel like being even more upset.

I'm happy how things are at the moment except that it is like being in a relationship but has now been said to have no expecations of him and not bring up this relationship thing again.

OP posts:
Original poster
R2G · 21/01/2011 23:46

No, he doesn't have sex with other women Changeisagoodthing (nice name by the way) and is very kind.

When I noticed his profile was still on the internet site I said 'take it off or leave me alone' he immediately deleted it

OP posts:
Original poster
R2G · 21/01/2011 23:47

I was so strong about my marriage and now feel like such an idiot as I've fallen for him

OP posts:
Original poster
R2G · 21/01/2011 23:48

sorry, the other thing is. I was enjoying being on my own, but now I've had this I feel scared and lonely to do it again

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Original poster
R2G · 21/01/2011 23:51

Plus, for all the bonuses of the Internet, I think there is a certain 'type' who relate to it in a different way- be it as a friend, lover, whatever and can 'detach' from reality. To be avoided IMO

Greeneyes- can you explain more?? xx

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ButterflySally · 21/01/2011 23:52

It sounds like he wants all of the benefits of a relationship with none of the responsibility.

It doesn't sound as though a quasi-relationship is what you're looking for, otherwise you wouldn't feel the need to post for advice IMHO.

After 16 years of being married, it may be good for you to take time out from relationships to re-establish your own life and goals (as scary as that may be).

bubblewrapped · 21/01/2011 23:56

R2G, can I just say, be very careful. You are likely to be a bit too trusting and without any offence here, naive.

If he is on a dating site, has hooked up with you, but says he doesnt want a relationship.. then what does he want?

At the moment he is getting regular sex, free bed and breakfast a few nights a week.. but doesnt want to take it "any further".

Please ask yourself why this is?

Have you met any of his family, or friends?

Original poster
R2G · 21/01/2011 23:57

Please more advice. Has anyone done this? No, I didn't expect to feel like this at all and thought it would just be a new friend to go to the cinema with etc.

Now I have feelings I dont wnat to be nothing.

I dont know whether to wait and see if he changes his mind and it is just the divorce and wierd husband etc or if he really doesn not want to be with me

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researchinmotion · 22/01/2011 00:00

What he's saying is he doesn't want a relationship with YOU. Its friends with benefits. That's what you've got.

He picks and chooses when he sees you (he'll say he won't help you when you are ill - but does when it suits).

If that's what you want then fine,but if you think that if you wait long enough he'll change his mind then - and I'm sorry to break it to you - he won't.

Original poster
R2G · 22/01/2011 00:00

Bubblewrapped. No I haven't but they are on his facebook. He doesnt stay at mine because of my child but I stay at his when he is with his dad. He runs bubble baths for me and cooks tea and things. I dont know what to think. I guess that's why I'm posting Ireally need to tackle it once and for all and just wanted loads of opinions and experience as yes, I am naive/unsure about dating as an adult and what is going on.

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ButterflySally · 22/01/2011 00:01

"He said to have no expectations of him"

If you do have expectations of him (even ones you may not admit to...you know, that little voice of hope that wonders if he'll ever change his mind), it's a slippery slope to heartache, I'm afraid.

In my experience, he means what he says. On this occasion, however tempting it may be to hope he just needs time, you have to take him at face value.

Sorry, I hope I don't sound blunt - I don't mean to upset you. I do have empathy for your situation but also know how easy it can be to tell yourself the things you want to hear...which may not be in your own best interest...

GreenEyesandHam · 22/01/2011 00:01

Not really R2G lol, I just think there are certain people who can completely differentiate between RL and cyberworld. IE what they project themselves to be on the 'net bears no resemblence to RL, and vice versa

In my years on the Internet (eeee I remember when all this were fields...) I have encountered people who could have had fulfilling real experiences, but actually preferred to 'keep it cyber', tip-tapping emails, and MSN chat etc

All of which might have NO bearing whatsoever to your situation, but when I hear 'internet dating sites' and such, alarm bells start ringing

Original poster
R2G · 22/01/2011 00:04

why won't he? He just doesnt seem this callous, but that's what I am scared off in a few more months he will begin a real realtionship with someone else and say oh yeah I changed my mind.

Am I being used? He just doesnt seem like he's using me otherwise we wouldn't have such a nice time together?

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Changeisagoodthing · 22/01/2011 00:04

Well I would call his bluff. Say it is all or nothing. If nothing is fine with him then he wasn't the right one for you. It may take him a few weeks to realise this- during which time you have to play it cool.

Option 2. Say that you are unavailable at a time he suggests as you have a date. Or even have a date with someone else. Do go out though- otherwise he may call and you will look a bit stupid! Do this a few times. If he cares for you then it will make him realise that. If he doesn't then again he is not the right man.

Original poster
R2G · 22/01/2011 00:06

I see. Yes Green eyes that does make some sense as he said of his hundreds of facebook friends 3 of them are his real friends. He bought those 3 real friends a Christmas present by the way (only small) but nothing for me. However, we did go for a really nice walk.

Am I sounding like a twat? :-(

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Morloth · 22/01/2011 00:09

I think there is nothing wrong with a Booty Call or Friends With Benefits set up if both parties are on board as to what it is.

That doesn't sound like the case here. In your situation I would probably call it all off with him and just be by myself for a while to get my head together as to whether I wanted a relationship or whatever.

Give yourself some head space without a man underfoot for a while, you might decide you don't want one at all. Wink

Original poster
R2G · 22/01/2011 00:10

Well change. I guess that's the problem. Over Christmas when I said I was going he got very upset, but I think it is just a difficult time of year for him as he lost his parents.

In the new year I asked him for a straight answer, he said he wasn't sure and needed to think. After a few weeks I had a very late night discussion and lost my temper and asked for a yes you want a relationship or no. In the end he said as much as he liked me and wanted to therefore say lets have a relatioship he had to be true to himself and say he didnt want a full blown relationship.

I left as it was over, but after a few days I called and said I would rather carry on as we were as I didnt want a full blown realtionship either AT THIS TIME so was happy to continue, which he was.

I think the difference is I like this slow start, but as there is absolutely no prosepect of it blossomin what is the point of continuing just for certain heartache and undoing all the self esteem I have built up by ending my own marriage....

OP posts:
Changeisagoodthing · 22/01/2011 00:15

Ok. Just make yourself less available- Go out with other people as well-have a few girly nights out (just say you are going out with non specific friends when asked).

Morloth · 22/01/2011 00:15

From your last post I really do think you should just ditch him and move on. It really doesn't sound like what you need. Unless you can seperate out the sex from the relationship you are just going to get horribly hurt in the long run.

He is telling you straight up that HE. DOES. NOT. WANT. A. RELATIONSHIP. You need to believe him, he is fucking around a bit and giving some mixed messages but he has actually come out and said that he is not that into you.

If you just want a shag to hand then he is perfect, if you are thinking that maybe you would like to build a future with him then not so much.

Original poster
R2G · 22/01/2011 00:17

I suppose that's another thing. i would be quite happy for him to meet my friends as I do have a busy life sometimes it would be easier to combine the two. He has no intention of introducing me to his friends or family. i dont think they even know I exist after 4 months

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Changeisagoodthing · 22/01/2011 00:17

He sounds very like a (platonic) friend of mine who won't commit to any woman.

His problem is that he still loves his ex wife. Any long lost loves in this case?