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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FOr continuing this?

72 replies

R2G · 21/01/2011 23:36

I am currently getting divorced after 16 years with my husband.

After 4 months apart I registered on internet dating (at the suggestion of a work friend). I didn't really intend to meet anyone, more just practice talking to men outside of real life.

Anyway I had met someone, we met after both agreeing we didn't want a relationship. Agreed not to see other people and have fun times together. Had sexual relationship immediately (was great), and over the last three months spent three or four nights/evenings a week together.

He has said he wanted to meet my son
He said he really cares for me
He does things like pick me up from airport, nights out twenty miles away.
He helped me do all my Christmas shopping and wrapping.

Howver, I recently said after 4 months I couldnt continue in this non - relationship status when we were clearly having a relationship.

He said I knew what it was from the start, he does care for me but it's not a relationship. He cited an example of if I was ill he would not have to come and look after me. A week later when I was ill he texted to see I was okay and came round tescos to do my weekly shop with me, and change my shower head as it was dripping!

We are going for a weekend away next week.

I was with my husband from a very young age, and have no idea what is going on.

Advice and help from more wordly wise, less emotionally detached women and men please.

Part of me thinks I should stop being a doormat, and the other part thinks I am going through a tough divorce and he makes life easier all the time with his help and lifts and chats and sex... what should I do?

OP posts:
GreenEyesandHam · 22/01/2011 00:18

What Morloth said ^

Snorbs · 22/01/2011 00:21

He's made it very clear that he sees this as a friends-with-benefits thing - and from what you've said he's never tried to persuade you otherwise. It's nothing more or less than that.

Now you can choose to not believe him if you wish, and you can choose to hope that he will suddenly change his mind and want to move in with you tomorrow. But living in a whirl of what-ifs and just-maybes and he-mights isn't going to make the slightest difference to how he sees you.

Alternatively, you can realise that he means what he says and if that isn't what you want from him then you need to walk away rather than continuing to torture yourself like this.

Yes he may go on to have a proper, full-on relationship with someone else. Or he may choose to continue having friends-with-benefits but nothing deeper. That doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you as a person, it would just mean he's looking for something different from life than you are.

Changeisagoodthing · 22/01/2011 00:22

Do you go out in public together?

Original poster
R2G · 22/01/2011 00:22

Thanks Morloth. Yes, I guess that is what he has said and why it feels so crap. he's perfect for now, but not knowing that you mean and never will mean anything.

Change. Yes he was in love and had a bit of an extra thing with her shortly before we got together when they decided they could not be together for various complicated reasons.
She had a child also and he has also said to my face he doesnt think he would have a relationship with a child involved again as it hurts too much to leave the child.

OP posts:
Morloth · 22/01/2011 00:24

What are you getting out of this exactly? There must be something? Really think about what he adds to your life.

Changeisagoodthing · 22/01/2011 00:25

Hmm complicated reasons or did she dump him and really he wants her back?

Original poster
R2G · 22/01/2011 00:25

Change. Yes we go out in public but to Tescos, cinema occasionally.

He wont come out with my friends or introduce me to his (but tonight is the first time he has gone out in the 4 months I've known him with his friends). He scoffed at that too saying it was difficult to arrange as everyone is tied down and has to check if it is okay with their other halves.

He doesnt go out to the pub with me or anything no but because he doesnt like pubs and restaurants too much.

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 22/01/2011 00:26

warning bells are ringing loud and clear....

QuickLookBusy · 22/01/2011 00:28

Gosh R2G, he doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't like going out, he won't introduce you to his friends and family. Why are you with him?

Changeisagoodthing · 22/01/2011 00:29

You could be seeing my friend! Sounds so similar!

Won't go out in public with thevwomen he sees - who he meets on line or at work- he is a good looking chap- because he doesnt want any of his ex wives friends to see him and tell her. She doesn't give a dam and has moved on but he hasn't.

Original poster
R2G · 22/01/2011 00:30

No complicated reasons. I think they both wanted each other really but live at different ends of the country and neither was prepared to uproot their whole lives. She would lose her house that she shares with her child to do this, and he moved in with her for a few months and hated the place where she lives. Well... that's what I've been told anywya?!!

Morloth- what I've got aside from great sex is that he has moved me on in life. He has noticed I was sleeping on the couch for six motnhs and helped me choose a new bed, when my husband's family wouldn't let me see my son open their Christmas presents he came and took me for a long winter walk, when I was tipsy on my work dos he came and picked me up to save the taxi fair (no sex involved on those nights so not a booty call), he came to town and lugged round all my son's Christmas presents, he took me to the gym when I had vague notions of getting fit and has helped me gain some confidence in exercising.

OP posts:
ButterflySally · 22/01/2011 00:31

You keep saying he is perfect for now. He's not perfect for now, because you want more than what he is prepared to offer at the moment.

Original poster
R2G · 22/01/2011 00:34

I know. What the hell is wrong with me? I have so much feelings for him and he just doenst get it.

As I say I've been so strong and now I'm just making a mess of things. What is going on?? I feel so stupid!

OP posts:
ButterflySally · 22/01/2011 00:37

Don't feel stupid. I guarantee many women on this board have, at some stage in their lives, been in the same situation and made the same mistakes. Probably lots of men have too.

But now you can see it for what it is, this is your opportunity to take your strength back by deciding what's right for you and sticking with it.

designerbaby · 22/01/2011 00:38

Blardy hell - you're dating my ex.

Great guy in lots of respects, capable of great kindnesses, great when there's just the two of you, but a commitment-phobe of the highest order, and more baggage than Heathrow.

Walk, no run, away... fast.

db
xx

Original poster
R2G · 22/01/2011 00:39

I know it sounds ridiculous, but we were going for a weekend away next week and I still want to go. Even though it will hurt more I feel after this last year a weekend away would be so nice, and then perhaps I should say goodbye. Maybe stop for a cup of tea on the way home and explain?

Any more opinions are gratefully received. I'm seeing the words but just cant believe he doesnt feel anythng towards me how can he be so callouse. He doesnt seem like he is callous. Like I texted my feet were cold at work one day and he came past with an extra pair of socks things like this.

Help! :-(

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 22/01/2011 00:43

You aren't stupid R2G. You have only being seeing him for 4 months? Gosh it takes some of us 4 years to start questioning things. You are quick off the mark and sooo not stipid!!

splasheeny · 22/01/2011 00:43

Hmmm the key here is are you happy with the current arrangements? Don't think you are, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.

splasheeny · 22/01/2011 00:43

Hmmm the key here is are you happy with the current arrangements? Don't think you are, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.

Original poster
R2G · 22/01/2011 00:43

Cheers DB

I suppose my problem now is when I was on my own after 15 years of an unhealthy relationshop it was fun. Now I have to walk away from someone I like, being on my own suddenly seems lonely. I'm panicked.

Or maybe this is the real impact of my divorce setting in?

Feel like a complete fuckhead not to see what everyone else is seeing.

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 22/01/2011 00:43

I wouldnt say that he doesnt feel anything towards you. He seems a kind bloke, but just unable to make a committment.

Having said that, he may be worried that you are on the rebound and keeping a bit of himself held back.

Why not just keep things going as they are. You dont need it to be anything more yet really.

ButterflySally · 22/01/2011 00:43

He won't see himself as being callous - from his point of view he was open, honest and upfront right fromt he start when he said he didn't want a relationship. He's been truthful from the start.

I know it's hard to reconcile what he says with what he does. But from where I'm standing, all those lovely things he does is his form of foreplay!!

I wouldn't go away - it will confuse you further because he'll be doing all those 'lovely things' that you will convince yourself means he wants a relationship with you.

Original poster
R2G · 22/01/2011 00:48

I suppose as well I like the sex and I really dont want to have to go through having sex with loads of different people. I wasnt a virgin when i met my husband, but as I say we have been together since we were teenagers. I guess I thought this would do for a long time but as he has been so open about me not really meaning anything, then my self esteem cannot take just staying there.

Butterfly Sally- he's said as much. I could understand you being confused if I hadnt said from the start I didnt want a relationship, that's what I got angry about as I said yes neither did we agree at the start to see each other more than once a week or sit in ut pjs together giving each other a facial!! His answer was very blunt 'oh sorry let's jsut go back to once a week then'.

He doesnt's care :-(

OP posts:
ButterflySally · 22/01/2011 00:51

He may care, but just not as much nor in the way you want him too.

I'm so sorry. I'm going to sign off now but please look after yourself and do what's right for you.

Original poster
R2G · 22/01/2011 00:52

thank you x
I'm gald I'm posting on here.

OP posts:
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