FOr continuing this?

[R2G]

I am currently getting divorced after 16 years with my husband.

After 4 months apart I registered on internet dating (at the suggestion of a work friend). I didn't really intend to meet anyone, more just practice talking to men outside of real life.

Anyway I had met someone, we met after both agreeing we didn't want a relationship. Agreed not to see other people and have fun times together. Had sexual relationship immediately (was great), and over the last three months spent three or four nights/evenings a week together.

He has said he wanted to meet my son
He said he really cares for me
He does things like pick me up from airport, nights out twenty miles away.
He helped me do all my Christmas shopping and wrapping.

Howver, I recently said after 4 months I couldnt continue in this non - relationship status when we were clearly having a relationship.

He said I knew what it was from the start, he does care for me but it's not a relationship. He cited an example of if I was ill he would not have to come and look after me. A week later when I was ill he texted to see I was okay and came round tescos to do my weekly shop with me, and change my shower head as it was dripping!

We are going for a weekend away next week.

I was with my husband from a very young age, and have no idea what is going on.

Advice and help from more wordly wise, less emotionally detached women and men please.

Part of me thinks I should stop being a doormat, and the other part thinks I am going through a tough divorce and he makes life easier all the time with his help and lifts and chats and sex... what should I do?

Look dear reader, I married him!

4 months is nothing. Can't believe he's being labelled a commitmentphobe after 16 weeks . We were fuck buddies dated for a year before we got to the "heavy talk".

Rebound relationships can be very confusing.
Why not give each other a bit of space? Especially if you have DCs.

Sounds like you've been putting him under pressure (quite unwittingly ) to clarify your status and the pair of you feel obliged to define your relationship prematurely.

If you're happy having a part-time partner then go with the flow, make it clear you're an independent woman and see what happens.

Good luck!

BTW - I was 38, had a 3yr old child and had just come out of a 13yr relationship when I met DH.

We got married when I was 41!

Oh god! confused again!!

But Mrs F, did you- even though you didn't have the chat- feel like it COULD go somewhere? He never specifically said I do not want a relationship with you or with anyone? Is that the difference?

During your fuck buddy year (sorry so crass!) what sort of stuff did you do together, dd you meet each others friends etc?

R2G - he sounds lovely. And he's been very honest with you. He hasn't strung you along with false promises. So long as you are getting some happiness from your non relationship, why not leave it as it is?

Who knows what might happen in the future.

I think you are being very hard on this man.
Look, you are fairly recently divorced, you have only been seeing him for a few months and yet you are trying to push for commitment despite the fact that he has told you he doesn't want that sort of thing and you told him at the beginning that you didn't want it either.
Ok, so your feelings have changed, but this is your problem and not his. Someone who you are having a fuck-buddy situation with can be kind and nice to you without that meaning that they are going to change their mind and commit - for one thing, it's a bit daft to have an ongoing fuckbuddy situation with someone you actively dislike or don't want to spend any non-fucking time with.
Either accept him the way he is, or move on. He's entitled not to want to commit to you, particularly as he has been completely honest with you from the beginning.

He's shagging you and playing house whilst he waits for something better.

Harsh but I think it's true, please don't let your children spend any time with him - they don't need unreliablw men cluttering their lives

Hmm. Yes we did meet each other's friends - his best friend and flatmate was my boss at work. We all worked together. But we didn't socialise together for quite a long time - IIRC for about 6 months. He met my family around this time too.

I think we both SAID we wern't looking for a permanent relationship, but we were both single. And lonely. And things just developed!

I did feel loved. For a long time. Even though we didn't use the "L" word. Now we say it every day.

We were together for about a year before I felt "confident" about us as a couple. He had his own issues, as did I. We worked them out. We spent time together whenever my DS was with his father. He got comfortable with me, I learned to trust him.

Don't junk things because he isn't being the knight in shining armour right from the word go.

I could be horribly wrong, but maybe you need to take things easy.

SGB (as ever! ) is talking great sense!

Wow, he sounds exactly like someone I was seeing - well sleeping with, although I thought it was more than that, clearly it wasn't, in the end.

I think it's the fact you haven't met any of his friends and he hasn't met yours after 4 months which is weird, it sounds as though he's deliberately trying to keep things separate.

I suppose there are two possibilities - the one which I hung onto for ages was that by me saying "relationship" he was hearing "scary, commitment, being father figure to children, too much responsibility, etc" whereas actually I meant more "boyfriend" which was pretty much what we had - we'd spend time together, cared for each other etc, and also had really good sex.

But I never got to talk to him and bring this up, because he kept avoiding me online etc. Then eventually he messaged me saying he had been thinking and wanted to speak to me, we had a "conversation" over IM where he basically dumped me, although we both said we wanted to be friends. Then he came round and we ended up sleeping together again. I kidded myself that this meant we were actually having a relationship, but didn't talk to him about it, because I was still getting what I wanted, and I was too scared that he might say "Um no actually this isn't anything more than sex." and stop coming round. After a while I just got fed up with him being distant and realised I was getting more upset over it than enjoyment. So I was going to speak to him, but he was still avoiding me online etc, and I didn't want to email him (not sure why, now)

I've since met someone else and it was a lot more straightforward. No guesswork. No "Oh I don't want to be a relationship but " - he was cautious because of DS but we just took it slowly and were honest with each other from the start that we both wanted to see where it went really. We've been together 3 months and I've met his friends etc, he hasn't met mine, but most of mine are friends from playgroups etc so it would be odd. We've met family. He's always contactable - even if he's busy or unavailable for a few days, he says that, he doesn't just disappear.

Be cool and stop seeing him if you genuinely want something more. I he does too, he will miss you and try to get you back. If he doesn't do that then he didn't actually want something more and you walked away before it got to the point that you got really hurt.

P.S: I know plenty of guys who will see a girl for anywhere up to a year, but will not admit (even to themselves) that they care for them or want something more. Some guys are like that. But he might just be speaking the truth and though he may like you, does not want to take things further for whatever reason.

Hope it resolves!

More Friends with Benefits than Booty Call.

If you are both being honest with each other you could try just enjoying him as Mr Right NOW.

I guess you just have to figure out what you want.

Lady of the House. No certainly not. He actually suggested after a week or so to take my son out to a national trust property 'just as friends' as a nice day out and has said several times it would be nice to meet as he heard so much about him.

He kept all his Christmas pressies at his house after helping me shop for them, and then texted to say he had bought wrapping paper. He's recently done the same with his birthday presents.

It's all lovely, but I imagined even if he had agreed to a relationship somewhere to a year to eighteen monhs before he met my son.

However, this is the type of thing that really confuses me!

Also, OP, given that you are really not that long out of your marriage, a FWB is probably better for you than a rush to commit. It's OK to be free of 'serious' relationships.

well I guess that's why I'm still seeing him as it is what I want at the moment, but it makes me feel like crap that he wont entertain the idea of anything more in the future.... so confused!

snorbs and sgb speak sense, as always.

to be honest, and maybe it's just me, but i wouldn't even be considering a 'relationship/commitment/future' etc after only four months - far too early for me. i'd still just consider it dating or seeing someone but maybe that's just me - i wouldn't be thinking about all this until after 6 months or more.....

It's worth having a little think about why you are so, frankly, desperate for commitment this early on. Because TBH if you carry on bleating at him about it he will probably decide you are too much of a bunnyboiler and move on, and you will have spoiled something that might have been enjoyable if you'd been able to enjoy it for what it was.
You have fun together, you have good sex together, he is kind to you etc. What's the big hang up on having the official label of relationship? Is it that you desperately want to parade him in front of your friends as 'Look, I have a partner! I'm not a single woman!'. If so that's a bit feeble, really. There is nothign wrong with being single. There's a lot wrong with being desperate and clingy.

Hi Stuffing Gold

I don't know, there's some truth in what you say what is my big hang up with the 'relationship' tag. It's not to parade in front of people or not 'feel single'. I dont want a very serious commitment and I dont really want to spend my very limited free time in a group with friends, especially as I'm still not divorced.

I guess I'm just used to dealing with a relationship and once you have that security you can be more yourself in every aspect rather than this feeling of being 'on trial'.

Guess that's what I'm so desperate about? Difficult one, all this makes me think I don't even really know myself and havnt given enough time to think about it

Cheryl Cole is not going to walk through his door and the fact that he deleted that particular profile doesn't mean that he doesn't have another one.

To me it seems as if he's hedging his bets; he's not vulnerable - you are. He doesn't want a relationship with YOU. That's nothing to do with you, it's his moral compass that's out of whack when he's sleeping with you with no feelings there.

You deserve better OP.. perhaps as others have said, it's too soon. You have your son to consider also and in your place, I wouldn't bother with this man anymore as he's not the slightest bit interested in even a current relationship with you.

There's better around the corner for you... :)

After only 4 months, hedging one's bets is not actually wrong. It's perfectly reasonable. Hurtling towards commitment and declarations of love when both partners are basically on the rebound is fuckwitted behaviour which leads to lots more misery further down the line.

OP, fwiw, it sounds me as though he is confused. He is willing to see your DS, spend time with you when you are ill, be silly with you... Those are all relationship things rather than 'dating' things, iyswim.

But he doesn't want a relationship... IMO, that is not honest; honesty is about behaving consistently not saying one thing and doing another.

I've been with someone like that. By contrast, my DP now has been uncertain about us, because staying together would involve his moving 300 miles away and taking a new job. But when we were still working things out, he was always genuinely honest about this, saying things like 'I love you and do want a relationship, but I don't want to leave my old life, but arrrrgh'.

That is genuine ambivalence, where there is a chance of a relationship; don't be hurt, but your situation doesn't sound like that.

I would stick with it then - but relax, be yourself, don't feel you are on trial. If this isn't leading to a serious relationship, then there's nothing to be on trial for, surely?

You do need time to rediscover who you are after a divorce, I think. You need to be able to do that whether you're with this guy or not - if you find you're holding back too much or wanting to change things about yourself to be what he wants, stop. You don't need to be anyone else's idea of perfect - if they don't like something about you then it isn't right anyway. You should never have to sacrifice a part of yourself for anyone.

I think maybe you just need to step back from looking at this as a potential serious relationship kind of thing and just see it as a bit of fun, no agenda, no idea where it will lead, it might fizzle out once the spark has gone, but that's okay. It might lead to something serious, but don't count on it, because he's already told you he doesn't want this, so it's unlikely.

I'd probably keep your son out of it TBH. Children form bonds quicker than you would expect. I don't think it would be a bad thing for him to meet your new man very occasionally, but to introduce him properly does make the relationship more serious IMO.

Good luck :) Just keep thinking, questioning, try to work out what YOU want from this, and whether you are getting that or not.