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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed at this situation.....

54 replies

BurnAfterReading · 21/01/2011 21:59

Firstly, allow me to apologise as I may well come across as a bit of a bitch but I'm really upset right now and cannot speak to anyone on phone as DP will hear me and I really need to get this off my chest.

Background...

Was due to go back to work after maternity leave in April but DP was laid off 2 weeks ago and we agreed that I would go back to work earlier because of finances and lack of jobs out there for DP. I contacted work and they were delighted to have me back therefore I started back full-time on Thursday. We discussed how it would work, i.e DP would look after DD during the day and get up in the night if required etc etc...

I'm pissed off because...

Last night dd woke at 3am, as soon as I hear her stirring I automatically open my eyes - always have done - I nudged DP and said "DD is awake, can you deal while I go into spare room and get some sleep?" After a couple of nudges he replied "I suppose so" got up and stomped over to her crib whilst I went in next door - he made a couple of sarcastic comments in doing so to which I replied "don't be so fucking rude"

This morning, just as I was leaving the house for work I heard dd crying, so went upstairs and DP was snoring away as usual..I woke him and asked him to get up with her, again he's huffing and puffing...

Anyway, I'm pissed off that he never hears her cry, and I worry that he'd sleep through anything, leaving poor dd (13 wo) in distress for longer than neccessary so I told him this and we had words before I went to work...he said things, I said things, he insulted me, I insulted him - no raised voices from me, but he was feeding dd and swearing at me!! He also said "Don't expect me to run around after you, cooking meals, making coffees when you come home from work.." And we both pull our weight by the way, it's just that we have different roles in the house - he just happens to be a better cook.

So I've been in work all day really pissed off a) because dp was an arse b) i feel guilty because i should be at home with dd and I miss her terribly and c)I was not metally prepared to go back so soon and I'm quietly regretting my decision but I know there is nothing I can do now.

Anyway, after work I went to supermarket bought dinner and a few bits and bobs, DP practically handed me dd as soon as I walked through door, he went upstairs to play on his guitar while i unpacked shopping, fed dd, sterilised bottles, made dinner (which was awful btw :))done dishes, emptied washing, you know the usual stuff but I hadn't even got out of my work clothes and he's still pissing round having a beer and generally being a knob - not talking, or being really blunt when he does talk.

It's obvious that he's still pissed off over our "words" this morning, but I think he's being totally selfish and acting like a prize prat!

I dont want to have it out with him tonight as it will ruin our weekend and we're having 14 family members over tomorrow (it'll be like sardines in a tin can) for drinks and takeaway and I dont want there to be an atmosphere...

AIBU to be annoyed with him or is this just the way it is and I should get used to it?

OP posts:

bubblewrapped · 21/01/2011 22:04

Is he looking for another job?

friedtoacrisp · 21/01/2011 22:05

He is being a prize arse. Sadly it's going to be you that deals with it. I don't think you're ready to be back at work and perhaps you need to consider this carefully as you could well end up depressed and very miserable.

maxpower · 21/01/2011 22:07

YANBentirelyU as from your perspective, you made a deal about this. However, it sounds to me like your DP is probably struggling to accept/adjust to your new roles

Grange · 21/01/2011 22:07

he is being a knob

Original poster

BurnAfterReading · 21/01/2011 22:07

bubble - no, as he will be looking after dd whilst I'm at work.

We came to this decision because weekly nursery fees were only a few quid less than his weekly wage so thought it best that dd stay at home with dad

I am the main earner and my salary can keep us (just about).
(obv without any major luxories)

OP posts:

JaneS · 21/01/2011 22:08

Well, he's right that he shouldn't have to do everything around the house and with your DD just because you're working. But otherwise he sounds like a bit of a twat.

Can you talk to him about it and reassure him you don't expect him to do everything but you are feeling pretty upset at his attitude? And, I don't know, maybe ask him what he'd like the balance of work to be like between you?

If I were in his position, I'd been particularly keen to do a bit more than my share for the first few days of your new job, because it's stressful for you!

ilovemyhens · 21/01/2011 22:10

This is the time in your relationship when reality comes crashing down around you and you realise that blokes are just selfish buggers who aren't worth bothering with really

Original poster

BurnAfterReading · 21/01/2011 22:10

friedtoacrisp - i honestly feel like i've been robbed of 2 months mat leave, and i was not mentally prepared to go back.

My job is high pressure, fast paced and they expect lots from me...its only been 2 days and I'm dreaking monday!

My stomach feels hollow....

OP posts:

teenyanne · 21/01/2011 22:12

YANBU for being annoyed, and his behaviour isn't great.

But... if he's just been made redundant, and he's probably feeling a bit crap about the fact that you've gone back to work and he's at home, probably knowing that you wanted to stay at home with your dd until April.

It doesn't excuse his behaviour, but I'm guessing that both your feelings are excaserbated by the fact that you've got a little baby to look after.

Can you get a babysitter for a couple of hours, spend some proper time together and both talk about how you are feeling, then make a plan to sort out how things are going to work.

Hope things settle down for you..

Rannaldini · 21/01/2011 22:14

I don't see why he can't start to do the shopping and keep the place tidy
Looking after your daughter is obv his main priority but he can do the other bits as well

Have a glass of vino now and speak to him about it tomorrow when you are both a bit rested and away from the situation

i went back after 8 weeks with daughter 2. It was far too early and I feel your pain
Please be kind to yourself

Original poster

BurnAfterReading · 21/01/2011 22:15

LRD - we do share the household responsibilities, it's just he's better at cooking that's all...i'm no slouch, never have been...I would never expect to come home from work and do nothing, but i don't expect to be just handed dd while he fecks off upstairs - we need to work together

I will however have to pick my moment to chat with him, perhaps on sunday when things have relaxed slightly

OP posts:

GreenEyesandHam · 21/01/2011 22:15

Is my arse toast if I say I have a bit of sympathy, for him as well as you?

You've mentioned that it's been a shock to your system- no doubt going from being the breadwinner/provider for his wife and child, to being laid off/SAHD to a new baby is a shock to his too.

You're both likely to struggle for a while until you both find your feet

BluddyMoFo · 21/01/2011 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 21/01/2011 22:16

YOu need to sit down and work out all the ground rules, how everything will work.

So you both know where you stand in any situation which might crop up, is it possible he realises just how hard for him it is going to be?

AnotherMumOnHere · 21/01/2011 22:16

"Anyway, after work I went to supermarket bought dinner and a few bits and bobs, DP practically handed me dd as soon as I walked through door, he went upstairs to play on his guitar while i unpacked shopping, fed dd, sterilised bottles, made dinner (which was awful btw )done dishes, emptied washing, you know the usual stuff but I hadn't even got out of my work clothes and he's still pissing round having a beer and generally being a knob - not talking, or being really blunt when he does talk."

Sorry but I'd be up for murder ....... I'd have killed the cunt (put something in his dinner) what a fkn awful tosser.

((((((((((( H U G S ))))))))))))))))) - Youre not going to get any from him are you?

wheresmejumper · 21/01/2011 22:18

My DP was made redundant over a year ago and he stayed at home with DS while I went to work and he did not like it at all!! He really struggled to change from someone who managed 8 offices to someone who who dropped DS to nursery and made lunches.

He is being an idiot I think and there is no reason for the insults and swearing from anyone. But I do think you need to cut him a bit of slack and allow him to get used to the routine of looking after the baby and gettng up-after allyou say you automatically get up for the baby so he automatically stays in bed. Have a chat to him, when your a bit calmer maybe, not when your on your way to work.

Incidently my DP got used to it and loved looking after DS while I was at work and why shouldnt he?He is his dad!It just took time!

Original poster

BurnAfterReading · 21/01/2011 22:18

teeny - yes, that sounds like a good idea - I'll suggest that.

We really need to define our roles, that way there is no doubt about what we expect from each other.

OP posts:

GreenEyesandHam · 21/01/2011 22:18

My God, when I was at home on maternity leave, my DH would have to catch DS one handed, whilst stll trying to get his key out the door ..:o

JaneS · 21/01/2011 22:19

Burn, no, I understand that you share responsibilities. I'm just trying to think of a way to talk to him about it that doesn't begin with, 'So, why are you being such a selfish twat?' - which would be my instinctive opener, but not a great idea!

bubblewrapped · 21/01/2011 22:21

If he hadnt been laid off what would have happened in April?

It sounds to me like in all honesty he should be at work, and daughter in a nursery, because a few quid a week may not make a lot of difference, but if he is going to be a stay at home dad resenting the fact that you are out at work, then it isnt going to work.. and it sounds to me like that is how its going to pan out.

There are very few men who would be happy to stay at home.. some do it, and do it brilliantly, but its against the norm, and it doesnt seem that he is going to be doing what needs to be done.

If he is at home all day, then he should be doing a lot of the stuff that you had to do when you got home..

SkyBluePearl · 21/01/2011 22:22

what about you sleeping in the spare room on week nights with ear plugs and put the monitor on right next to his bed.

Yes he will need a little space from babe when you first return from work. Allow him an hour or half an hour wind down. Can you both agree to pull your weight? He could cook tea during and do the bottles/quick tidy mostly during the day. You can bath babe and get her ready for bed each night. You could also put the dishes in the machine and stick it on b4 bed ready for him to unload the next day.

If he is unwilling to share the load he should really get himself a job and you can go part time.

prettymuchapixiegirl · 21/01/2011 22:23

I think your DH is being an arse; he might not like having to get up to deal with your DD but I'm sure you understandably aren't too happy about having to be back full-time in a pressurised job with a 13 week old baby.

I think what he did tonight when you got in from work was disgraceful.

fifi25 · 21/01/2011 22:27

This will probably never change. We took turns working various jobs with 3 kids. I could have 3 kids all day, do all the housework shopping and have t on table. Reverse it, kids fed junk food all day, minimal housework if you could call it that and i have even seen kids put to bed in school clothes (laugh about it now). My eldest is 9 and i dont work anymore but if the roles were reversed again then it would be exactly the same. Most, not all men cannot or wont do things to our standards.

BluddyMoFo · 21/01/2011 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresmejumper · 21/01/2011 22:32

Oh hod bluddymofo I did that!!!

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