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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at this situation.....

54 replies

BurnAfterReading · 21/01/2011 21:59

Firstly, allow me to apologise as I may well come across as a bit of a bitch but I'm really upset right now and cannot speak to anyone on phone as DP will hear me and I really need to get this off my chest.

Background...

Was due to go back to work after maternity leave in April but DP was laid off 2 weeks ago and we agreed that I would go back to work earlier because of finances and lack of jobs out there for DP. I contacted work and they were delighted to have me back therefore I started back full-time on Thursday. We discussed how it would work, i.e DP would look after DD during the day and get up in the night if required etc etc...

I'm pissed off because...

Last night dd woke at 3am, as soon as I hear her stirring I automatically open my eyes - always have done - I nudged DP and said "DD is awake, can you deal while I go into spare room and get some sleep?" After a couple of nudges he replied "I suppose so" got up and stomped over to her crib whilst I went in next door - he made a couple of sarcastic comments in doing so to which I replied "don't be so fucking rude"

This morning, just as I was leaving the house for work I heard dd crying, so went upstairs and DP was snoring away as usual..I woke him and asked him to get up with her, again he's huffing and puffing...

Anyway, I'm pissed off that he never hears her cry, and I worry that he'd sleep through anything, leaving poor dd (13 wo) in distress for longer than neccessary so I told him this and we had words before I went to work...he said things, I said things, he insulted me, I insulted him - no raised voices from me, but he was feeding dd and swearing at me!! He also said "Don't expect me to run around after you, cooking meals, making coffees when you come home from work.." And we both pull our weight by the way, it's just that we have different roles in the house - he just happens to be a better cook.

So I've been in work all day really pissed off a) because dp was an arse b) i feel guilty because i should be at home with dd and I miss her terribly and c)I was not metally prepared to go back so soon and I'm quietly regretting my decision but I know there is nothing I can do now.

Anyway, after work I went to supermarket bought dinner and a few bits and bobs, DP practically handed me dd as soon as I walked through door, he went upstairs to play on his guitar while i unpacked shopping, fed dd, sterilised bottles, made dinner (which was awful btw :))done dishes, emptied washing, you know the usual stuff but I hadn't even got out of my work clothes and he's still pissing round having a beer and generally being a knob - not talking, or being really blunt when he does talk.

It's obvious that he's still pissed off over our "words" this morning, but I think he's being totally selfish and acting like a prize prat!

I dont want to have it out with him tonight as it will ruin our weekend and we're having 14 family members over tomorrow (it'll be like sardines in a tin can) for drinks and takeaway and I dont want there to be an atmosphere...

AIBU to be annoyed with him or is this just the way it is and I should get used to it?

OP posts:
wheresmejumper · 21/01/2011 22:33

God even...

domeafavour · 21/01/2011 22:35

put the monitor right next to his head, on the highest volume. and if that doesn't work, hit him with it

GreenEyesandHam · 21/01/2011 22:37

Of course I did BluddyMoFo :o

'Please just take him, he's absolutely worn me out. He only stopped crying three minutes before you walked in, think he's colicky :('

Poor sod hadn't even got his coat off!

BluddyMoFo · 21/01/2011 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BluddyMoFo · 21/01/2011 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skirt · 21/01/2011 22:39

Well in an idea world it would work beautifully and the utopia you hoped for would materialise etc etc. But as you well know (and I dont know if he did) its a boring, tiring, dull job sometimes looking after a baby so I expect he is pissed off as well.

You do need to open your mouth and talk to him, before ripping his knob off though :o

Original poster
BurnAfterReading · 21/01/2011 22:44

lol skirt..rip his knob off..never! That's the only part I actually like at this moment in time ha ha ha

And, if I may say, I also remember feigning a shitty day with dd whilst dp has been out at work...only a couple of times though, and I always allowed him a cup of tea and a sit down before I handed over dd.

Seriously though, thanks for all the advice, I'll take on board and hopefully have a good chat with him this weekend.

I feel slightly better just by having a bit of a rant - many thanks

OP posts:
Heroine · 21/01/2011 22:45

don't be silly YOU are stressed so YOU are sensitive to dd more than you should be. Relax few babies die because they have been crying longer than usual

trixie123 · 21/01/2011 22:47

sounds like everything has happened a bit fast and you need to find some time to have a calm and rational talk about how its going to work. If he IS going to remain at home he will have to make a decision to be happy about it and think about what it is reasonable to expect him to do during the day - whilst there are a million threads on here from SAHMs complaining about being treated as skivvies, most of the everyday housework like washing, dishes etc can be done with a baby of any age in the house. I generally do the day to day stuff and we both pitch in at the weekend for the big stuff like hoovering and cleaning the bathroom. 13 weeks is very young and your baby will a) get easier at night b) become a more normal part of your lives. As your DH gets used to this, perhaps you can encourage him to join groups etc so he gets a bit of structure. If he really does struggle then maybe he will have to reconsider and go back to work.

GreenEyesandHam · 21/01/2011 22:48

It's early days BurnAfterReading- you only went back to work yesterday lol. Have a chat and try to work it out,I'm sure you will.

Heroine · 21/01/2011 22:50

ooh I sounded harsh I didn't mean to be - I just meant that you are a bit hyper aware if you are stressed up, and being aware that you are might make it a bit easier -

cheesesarnie · 21/01/2011 22:53

dh went on and on for almost 10 years that i had it easy being a sahm.he got made redundent,i now work while hes a sahd to our 3 dc.he hates itGrin.

i cant even think where to begin on how it doesnt work for us.hes not got over being made redundant.

blackeyedsusan · 21/01/2011 23:26

I would say you both need time off at the end of the day. looking after dd will be hard work, especially as he has been, how shall i say, pushed into it by circumstances. The same goes for you.

Original poster
BurnAfterReading · 22/01/2011 11:15

So DP slept in the spare room last night, once again after "words"

He was acting like a prick so I called him on it and told him to grow a pair, he buggered off to spare room...

I find it really difficult to get a bloody word in sometimes so I did not say any of the things I wanted to, but perhaps that was for the best as I'd rather say them in a calm environment, that way it actually sinks in.

Anyway, I've been up since 8am with dd (she's a good sleeper) and done the usual chores - he's still upstairs in the land of nod - I've got the washing machine and tumble dryer on (noisy :)) but I'm pissed off cos I have a lot to do in preparation for His family coming over tonight - if I deliberately wake him then it'll just be another arguement.

I'm just gonna say nothing for the moment, get tonight over and done with and then see how it goes...

One of the things he said to me last night was "Why don't you fuck off back to Scotland where you came from"

He's such an ignorant prick! I'm actually considering his request!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/01/2011 14:58

I sympathise, OP. You've been forced back to work early because of your family circumstances and it sounds as if both you and your husband are resentful of the way things are working out.

You need to have a discussion about your expectations - both yours and your husband's. Your husband needs to realise that if he's staying at home with your daughter, that's his job and he should do it well, not least because the child is his also. If he's going to be so difficult and lethargic about it then your daughter might as well be in nursery and all he needs to do is find a job that pays enough to fund that.

I think because you're a bit resentful also as your shortened maternity leave, you don't see that your husband might be feeling 'thrown on the scrapheap', worried about how he'll get another job (or if he can at all) and maybe feels 'less of a man' somehow. You will need to really both discuss your feelings on this because somehow you've got to both be content - if not happy - that you'll be at work and he'll be at home.

What about setting a time limit or a review of say six months? Hubby can look for work in the meantime and you can sort out who is going to do what chores in the meantime.

It's not good for your daughter to be around the pair of you when you're sniping and snarling at each other.

northerngirl41 · 22/01/2011 15:54

As annoying as it is, this isn't about him being wrong and you being right - it's about finding a way for you all to live together.

I suspect that you prompting him to go look after DD and then yomping in and doing the dinner/washing etc with bad grace is actually counterproductive because 1) you feel you shouldn't have to do it and 2) he feels that you want everything done your way and that he's not good enough at it.

Let him do it his way - it is honestly not going to kill DD to cry for a bit longer. Invest in a pair of earplugs and make him suffer the consequences of a day with a tired grouchy baby because he didn't get up to settle her.

minibmw2010 · 22/01/2011 16:03

I think a lot of this behaviour may be because he's feeling guilty at the fact you've had to go back to work early when he knows you'd prefer to be with DD because he has no job. That's not to excuse him, but I assume its been a huge culture shock to him to have to be at home and he just hasn't realised that he has to do more than "pull his weight" now. If you are at work all day earning the money that pays your mortgage then frankly he needs to be doing the majority, he may not like it, but there it is.

mumbar · 22/01/2011 16:20

I sympathise OP. My ex-p was working but I was forced back to work early too. Was finding it very tiring. I worked 8-4 daily and ex-p 8-4, 2-10pm or 12-8 depending on shifts. He did 5 days me 6. I took DS to childcare and collected, even when he didn't start until 12/2pm. Shock. His insistance btw. I carried it on for an easy life. I often handed DS to him when he came home after 8pm finish and would do housework. He felt he should play computer, mix music as he had been at work all day.

I wish I had MN and more backbone back then as I let it carry on and he took the piss more and more resulting in him doing something unforgivable and me resenting him. We split when DS was 13 months. Sad.

I would definatly talk to him and agree the 'terms' as such. Perhaps you take over straight from work every other day so its fair. A chores list? So each take it in turns to look after DD whilst the other does their chore? Family time at weekend is a great idea, I'd maybe omit the other 14 for a while until you get yourselves into a routine.

Best of luck, I'll be watching this thread.

MsKLo · 22/01/2011 16:23

You poor lady! He is being a dick

moomaa · 22/01/2011 16:35

I sympathise with you as it must be horrible going back to work before you were mentally prepared for it.

BUT I used to give the baby to DH as soon as he walked in the door when DS was very small and I often didn't have dinner done and the house was a mess. I think this is common while you are still learning to be parents and I was getting used to the idea of being a mum and not having work any more (was planning to be SAHM and it took getting used to). Give it a few weeks to all settle down.

After a short while I did have the house under control and nice dinners ready and was a nice person again. For a short while I was a monster while I was adjusting and I think most people on mumsnet would say that was ok for a short while. It's hard for both of you. You'll have to both make allowances to get through it. Be kind to each other.

moomaa · 22/01/2011 16:37

Rightly or wrongly I did think DH was 'having a break' being at work when my babies have been very small. He got to talk to interesting people, be mentally stimulated, got praise for doing a good job, got to wear nice clothes and got nice coffee from the coffee shop Blush

moomaa · 22/01/2011 16:40

And wee on his own.

MrsNonSmoker · 22/01/2011 16:42

I'm not surprised you are finding it tough, someone said earlier in the thread are you sure this is how it should be, you might be better off struggling financially for a few months (years?) but with him going back to work. Years ago where I worked there was a full time dad at home and the mum worked in our office, and he appeared in a double page spread in the Daily Mail saying how he couldn't could with being at home and how unreasonable his full time working wife was!! I think they swapped back!

Anyone leaving a 13 week baby would be upset, how about next week you sit down and work out a new plan. I think you will find you are legally obliged to work x number of weeks now you have gone back or you will lose your maternity pay but I might be way out of date on that one so do check.

ledkr · 22/01/2011 16:44

god we still live in a sexist world dont we?
What is it about blokes that they think they are more entitled to sleep than us.When i met dh he worked shifts and when on nights he would go to bed pretty much as soon as he got home then get up a bit before his shift began but this was at his house so no bother.
Our baby is being born in 5 days and he has recently been told he is back to shifts which will involve nights,i can already envisage probs when i go back cos if he thinks im getting 2 kids up and to school and cm and to work for 9 and then doing it all again at night he can think again.Have already "discussed it" and i pointed out that he does not need 12 hrs sleep he looked most put out. grrrr
I have no advice op cos this is an age old problem and does anyone really believe that they dont hear screaming?

Sassybeast · 22/01/2011 16:53

Sounds like a nightmare at the minute but a few things spring to mind. Presumably the redundancy has knocked his confidence and becaise things have happened so quickly, it's bound to be a bit rocky for a while. if you decide to stick around and not head north Wink it might be worth making a list of allt he things that need doing and see if you can come to some arrangement about who does what. The other thing that stands out for me is about sleeping/night wakenings. From bitter experience, I don't think that either of you is any more or less entitled to a nights sleep than the other. hopefully, DD will satrt to sleep through soon and it will become a non issue, but just in case it doesn't, maybe think about doing alternate nights or alternate weeks, with lie ins alternated at weekends? Lack of sleep really can make EVERYTHING much much worse and if it goes on for much longer, you might find a real strain on the relationship. You need to avoid getting into a situation where it almost becomes a competition as to who is the most tired Blush

FWIW YANBU about his attitude and behaviour at the minute but don't let the rot set in - it won't be like this forever and it sounds like you need to be the grown up with regrds getting things sorted - good luck!