to be annoyed at this situation.....

[BurnAfterReading]

Firstly, allow me to apologise as I may well come across as a bit of a bitch but I'm really upset right now and cannot speak to anyone on phone as DP will hear me and I really need to get this off my chest.

Background...

Was due to go back to work after maternity leave in April but DP was laid off 2 weeks ago and we agreed that I would go back to work earlier because of finances and lack of jobs out there for DP. I contacted work and they were delighted to have me back therefore I started back full-time on Thursday. We discussed how it would work, i.e DP would look after DD during the day and get up in the night if required etc etc...

I'm pissed off because...

Last night dd woke at 3am, as soon as I hear her stirring I automatically open my eyes - always have done - I nudged DP and said "DD is awake, can you deal while I go into spare room and get some sleep?" After a couple of nudges he replied "I suppose so" got up and stomped over to her crib whilst I went in next door - he made a couple of sarcastic comments in doing so to which I replied "don't be so fucking rude"

This morning, just as I was leaving the house for work I heard dd crying, so went upstairs and DP was snoring away as usual..I woke him and asked him to get up with her, again he's huffing and puffing...

Anyway, I'm pissed off that he never hears her cry, and I worry that he'd sleep through anything, leaving poor dd (13 wo) in distress for longer than neccessary so I told him this and we had words before I went to work...he said things, I said things, he insulted me, I insulted him - no raised voices from me, but he was feeding dd and swearing at me!! He also said "Don't expect me to run around after you, cooking meals, making coffees when you come home from work.." And we both pull our weight by the way, it's just that we have different roles in the house - he just happens to be a better cook.

So I've been in work all day really pissed off a) because dp was an arse b) i feel guilty because i should be at home with dd and I miss her terribly and c)I was not metally prepared to go back so soon and I'm quietly regretting my decision but I know there is nothing I can do now.

Anyway, after work I went to supermarket bought dinner and a few bits and bobs, DP practically handed me dd as soon as I walked through door, he went upstairs to play on his guitar while i unpacked shopping, fed dd, sterilised bottles, made dinner (which was awful btw :))done dishes, emptied washing, you know the usual stuff but I hadn't even got out of my work clothes and he's still pissing round having a beer and generally being a knob - not talking, or being really blunt when he does talk.

It's obvious that he's still pissed off over our "words" this morning, but I think he's being totally selfish and acting like a prize prat!

I dont want to have it out with him tonight as it will ruin our weekend and we're having 14 family members over tomorrow (it'll be like sardines in a tin can) for drinks and takeaway and I dont want there to be an atmosphere...

AIBU to be annoyed with him or is this just the way it is and I should get used to it?

Thanks to all for your posts - I am taking on board everything and just waiting for my moment when its nice and calm.

Of course, we have 14 coming round for a few drinks etc (and btw this was all organised yesterday by DP without my knowledge - so kinda had to agree once it had been set in stone or i'd look like the bitch) We still haven't spoken today, I've blitzed the housework i.e done a hell of a lot more than usual (windows/skirting boards everything) he's just sat on his arse - being this pissed off really motivates me!! When I asked him to feed and change dd his response was "Maybe i will, I'll see what I'm doing" I called him a Fairweather Father and told him to piss off.

But I guess as soon as his family arrive then we'll put a face on it to get through the night.

I'm really questioning what I see in him at this point.

Sassybeat, I like your post, the bit about the who's more tired competition seems familiar tbh..I know exactly what you're saying and this thread has given me some great ideas on how to approach this before the rot does set in.

Thanks all

I would cancel the family coming round. He made the arrangements, didn't consult you and has done fuck all to prepare for their visit. Sorry, but he is seriously taking the piss.

I am a SAHM and I get up in the night with my DD because my DH has to work the next day. I'm not saying he never gets up to her, but most of the time it's me. I think that's fair enough. We take it in turns at the weekend to have a lie in. I do most of the housework and cooking. DH helps me to wash/dry up in the evening. If I ask him to help me with something, then he does. Sometimes it's with a bit of grumbling (which I am unsympathetic to). At the weekends, although I do most of the housework, he does help. He has a lot of work to do, so isn't sitting on his arse watching me at weekends, he is doing stuff too.

I don't think it's the responsibility of the SAHP to do everything, but they should be doing more domestic stuff than the WOHP.

There is no excuse to be so rude and nasty to you. Tbh it's not that hard if you only have one child at home during the day to run the hoover round and do a bit of shopping and cooking.

I would be very tempted to put the baby in nursery and go it alone as I can't see what he is contributing to your life - he's certainly not making you happy.

If you don't want to do that though, then I stand by cancelling the guests and hammering this out once and for all. Divide up the domestic duties, so no one feels hard done by. I do think he needs reminding of what you have given up because of his redundancy annd that it's not all beer and skittles for you either. And after all, he did agree to all this. A deal's a deal.

I think you've been really calm about all this. If he'd been mine I'd have skinned the fucker!

Update..

The family came round last night, and although we were still not talking, in actual fact I had a great time - it was actually a welcome distraction from the tension. There were too many in the house for anyone to notice that anything was wrong.

Towards the end of the night dp and I had a quiet word and agreed that we need to define roles - he admitted being a dong, although I said there was no excuse for his behaviour. You were right about him feeling awful about his redundancy and practically pushing me back to work but he also made me understand that the changes in his life are taking some "getting used to" and I had to bear with him.

Anyway, like I said, we've agreed to define roles - once dd is in bed tonight we are going to have a chat about it.

Today has been rather chilled, not perfect, but not as tense and I've found it easier to be around him today - he even took dd round to his mums for sunday lunch so that I could have a few hours to myself.

Generally, we work well together (like a well oiled machine) but as this situation was pretty much dumped on us, it immediately took both of us out of our comfort zones and therefore increased stress levels.

I must thank you all again for your messages of support and great advice - we're not out of the woods yet - I'll see what tonights chat brings...who knows we might end up arguing once again, I hope not, but at least I know what result I'm aiming for.

Hope everything goes well for you when you talk later.