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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to force my DD to go to school

53 replies

dizzeeee · 20/01/2011 22:17

My DD is 12 and since starting secondary school she has been refusing to go to school almost everyday. Most days she wakes up feeling upset and angry and snaps at everyone but other days she gets up and she will be in a great mood. Almost everyday she refuses to go to school and when I ask her why she says "I Just Can't go today"
She often needs to be dragged out the car because there is nothing I can do to persuade her to go to school. She isn't very confident and she never wants to go out anywhere where there will be lots of people.
She is always very tired and really struggles with her school work.
I have spoken to a few of my friends and they said that she could have mental problems. I think she is just looking for attention. Am I being unreasonable making her go to school?

OP posts:

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 20/01/2011 22:20

Does she go when you make her?

Are you doing all the usual things, sensible consistent bedtime, no trashy tv, no tv and computer late a night? Visited the school to see if bullying is going on? What does the school say?

TattyDevine · 20/01/2011 22:20

YANBU to insist she goes but you need to probe relentlessly to find out where her reluctance stems from and for her sake try to put aside conclusions of simply looking for attention at this stage. You need to get to the bottom of why, but you are right to insist she does go.

Danthe4th · 20/01/2011 22:22

You need to speak to the school, take her up to school when everyone else has gone in and if she refuses to get out of the car go and speak to school, they will come out and speak to her, you don't ned to deal with this on your own and neither does she.
She may be having friend problems I can remember it well with my dd's at this age.
Is she on facebook, could you have a nose at who she speaks to.
Get school involved its their problem as well as yours.

rinabean · 20/01/2011 22:24

I think she's being badly bullied. This is how I reacted to it at her age.

ThatVikRinA22 · 20/01/2011 22:24

yABU not to find out what is going on.

have you spoken to the school?
what is she like when there?
have you looked into all the explanations? have you talked to your dd?

sue52 · 20/01/2011 22:25

Of course she must go to school and it is your parental responsibility to ensure she does. If it is normal teenage mood swings and can't be bothered attitude then tough luck, we all do things we don't enjoy. If you suspect she might be being bullied or has a form of school phobia then seek professional help but I think you would get into trouble with the education authorities if you just let her stay home because she "just can't go today".

maristella · 20/01/2011 22:25

YANBU, you could get prosecuted if her attendance gets worse and if you're not doing all you can to get her there.

are there sufficient rewards and consequences for her attendance/refusal?

get this nipped in the bud before she starts working towards her gcse's

WotzNotNot · 20/01/2011 22:26

"a few of my friends and they said that she could have mental problems" nice of them to be so helpful

Agree with LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake and TattyDevine and about getting the school involved. She has to want to be there, or she won't go. Have you told her what the hourly rate in MacDonalds is for a 16 year old?

mutznutz · 20/01/2011 22:28

You really do need to speak to the school. I'm sure they'll be only too happy to help you with this as attendance is a big issue for most schools.

Also, if things get worse before they get better...you will be 'covered' so to speak if her attendance became so poor that the LA were to consider taking you to court.Much better to get to the bottom of it now.

How was she at Primary school?

Karaishere · 20/01/2011 22:28

I agree too that she may be being bullied, I definately don't think she's doing it for attention imo

bubblewrapped · 20/01/2011 22:31

It may not be bullying, it may just be her hormones. They can play havoc in a girl at this age, and may account for the grumpiness and tiredness.

Is she getting enough sleep?

Is she staying up late on the computer?

Does she have a good circle of friends at school?

She has to go, and she has to have an education, unless you are prepared to home school her, which I dont believe is always the best solution as it isolates a child even more.

mutznutz · 20/01/2011 22:32

It could be anything from being bullied to falling behind in class and feeling she's unable to catch up..not having any friends..the list is endless really but definitely needs sorting ASAP.

The more a child stays away from school, the harder it is for them to return and settle in again properly.

brightlightsandpromises · 20/01/2011 22:33

There is dfeinately something going on at school for her to not want to go, and quite frankly, i think you should be a bit more sympathetic and supportive.

Mental problems?

Attention seeking

As others have said, speak to the school, if she is being bullied and you do nothing about it, she will end up with "mental problems" I speak from bitter experience :(

Pumpster · 20/01/2011 22:33

Speak to pastoral care at her school, you may have to see your gp and get referred to camhs (children's mental health team). That's what happened with my dd.
Good luck.

bubblewrapped · 20/01/2011 22:35

If she has a few close friends, maybe speak to them first, and say you are worried about her, and do they know if there is any reason why she is so reluctant to go to school.

Is there a friend she could go into school with, rather than walk in on her own?

freddiefox · 20/01/2011 22:35

I hated going to school and would often refuse to go. would lock the bathroom door so no one could make me, would also choose my moment to say i wasn't going i.e just before my mum was going to work, so there could be less discussion about it... (my poor mum) I would beg and plead with her not to make me. I was often asked why I hated school, even now I wouldn't be able to put it into words why i hated it so much. Although there were some lessons that I hated more so they were definate days not to go in. My dad used to force me to go, I was ok once I was there even liked it a bit sometimes. I think someimes it was the thought of going that was the worst bit. I was also shy and didn't like big groups and have never liked being centre of attention, so can really understand where your DD might be coming from. on a positive note after a while I did grow in confidence and to cover for the lack of confidence become a bit mouthy towards the last year at school. I would suggest that your DD does as many of of school activities as she can so she builds up her confidence.

Newgolddream · 20/01/2011 22:36

" I think she is just looking for attention" - if this is the case there must be a reason for seeking attention, and it would be hepful to know what is going on for her.

onceamai · 20/01/2011 22:36

Bullying or hormones I think you need to speak to the school. If they know she is resisting school they should be able to find ways to help her and you will be regarded as pro-active. Either way I think you need to try to help to resolve a problem. I'm sure she can't help it and there must be an underlying cause.

theoriginalscrummymummy · 20/01/2011 22:36

Yes and no. It's a difficult situation. I work in an FE establishment, and usually, the not wanting to go to college/school is for 2 reasons. 1) They genuinely can't be bothered or 2) There is something going off that they are not very happy about, which is usually bullying, boy trouble or not having any friends, usually in that order. I know I'm mostly thinking post 16, but it seems kind of universal. Another issue I come across with scary frequency is hormonal imbalances in young girls and iron deficiences causing tiredness. I have had 3 come back from the doctors just this week with iron supplements! On the other hand, YANBU sending her to school, as it will help her stay in a "normal" routine, regardless of what the issue is. TBH, I think that if she did have "mental problems" it would be manifesting itself in other ways. If she will do things she likes doing, but doesn't want to go to school, that's one thing, but if her not liking crowds and being tired affects her social life and activities ie "I can't go to the Justin Beiber concert, I'm too tired." I would start looking a bit further.

ThatVikRinA22 · 20/01/2011 22:36

actually have you spoken to a gp? you say she is always very tired, wont go where there are crowds, struggles with school work and has to be literally dragged from the car?

what does she have to do to wake you up to the fact there is a problem? a real one?

poor kid. sounds like a real problem needs investigating to me - what have you done to find out what the problem is? i hope it doesnt extend to a post on here and asking your friends....

theoriginalscrummymummy · 20/01/2011 22:38

It took me so long to type that post, everyone got there first! ITA with pumpster.

onceamai · 20/01/2011 22:43

GP sounds a good idea too. Of course she doesn't have "mental problems" she sounds like she needs a bit of help and support and extra love and given all those, you as a great mum, will help prevent them.

bubbleymummy · 20/01/2011 22:51

Is HE an option? Have a look at the HE board - there are a few people who have withdrawn their children from school under similar circumstances.

WotzNotNot · 20/01/2011 22:54

You must speak to the school, ring and make an appointment with form or year tutor.

And, if she is on Facebook, deactivate the account now - bullying can happen in your own home this way too. Year 7's think this is the only way to be popular, make stupid pathetic bitching pots without thinking first while trying to be clever make witty remarks (in the hope to be popular), it normally fails.

Make your DD feel as secure and safe at home and hopefully things will get better, you have done nothing wrong, it's a big leap and takes a lot of adjusting for kids at this age.

Don't go to bed worrying. Really, it will get better, she just needs some extra help. She may not show her appreciation and it may be frustrating for both of you, but stick with it.

stLucia · 20/01/2011 22:58

DD1 actually did this in her last 3 yrs of school - it came after the death of my Mother, her grandmother and really came to a head in her last year.
She actually has Avoidant Personality disorder, Social Anxiety, and since then agoraphobia.
So yes, she damn well might have a problem. It could also be school refusal
My DD had a lot of pain in the mornings before school, throwing up, headaches, stomache aches - I thought she was lying because it didn't happen at the weekend. She was telling the truth, she wasn't forcing it, she really was in shocking pain.

Also 'won't go where there's crowds' sounds like Social Anxiety.
here

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