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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to force my DD to go to school

53 replies

dizzeeee · 20/01/2011 22:17

My DD is 12 and since starting secondary school she has been refusing to go to school almost everyday. Most days she wakes up feeling upset and angry and snaps at everyone but other days she gets up and she will be in a great mood. Almost everyday she refuses to go to school and when I ask her why she says "I Just Can't go today"
She often needs to be dragged out the car because there is nothing I can do to persuade her to go to school. She isn't very confident and she never wants to go out anywhere where there will be lots of people.
She is always very tired and really struggles with her school work.
I have spoken to a few of my friends and they said that she could have mental problems. I think she is just looking for attention. Am I being unreasonable making her go to school?

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 20/01/2011 22:59

dizzeeee, having a child who doesn't want to go to school is very tough (I'm speaking form experience)

Of course you are not being unreasonable making her go to school, but you need to be talking to the school about her reluctance to go, and try to get to the bottom of why she doesn't want to go.

When you friends say she might have "mental problems" I think they are probably just phrasing what they mean badly. School phobia is a mental health problem, as is depression. Both can occur because a child is unhappy at school. So that takes us back to why is she unhappy? Is the secondary school environment too overwhelming for her? Does she have any close friends to help her through the day? What does she most like/ dislike about school?

I would look, with the help of the school, and your DD, at how her school day can be made bearable, and go from there. If she builds up a a full blown school phobia there is no way you will be able to drag her into school, or persuade her to stay all day.

The bit where you say she doesn't like crows rings alarm bells for me, as this is exactly how DS was (is) and at times he had struggled(refused)to go into assembly. The school need to be aware of things like this so they can handle it sensitively.

mutznutz · 20/01/2011 23:00

I think until the OP comes back, it's going to be all ifs buts and maybes.

Some more background is needed.

LynetteScavo · 20/01/2011 23:02

And if you work with the school, it is highly unlikely you will be fined/prosecuted for her non attendance.

maighdlin · 20/01/2011 23:19

there definitely is some problems. still make your daughter go to school but try and find out what it is. speak to her teachers and see if they can find any evidence of bullying. it may not be bullying. i hated going to school because i had severely low self esteem. i was my own worst enemy as i thought that no one wanted to be friends with me and if they did try they didn't really want me, they felt sorry for me etc. i was never bullied but still felt this way. does your school have a counsellor? i saw my schools every week and it helped me to get through the week, not make it better but at least get me through the week. i also found my school nurse to be of great help. (i always said if i wrote a book or won an oscar or anything like that i would dedicate it to her, i gave her name as DDs middle name) i also was very very tired as a teenager. i once slept for 36hours. get her physically checked out, does she have periods yet? are they heavy? i found out that i was very low on iron at about 14 due to heavy periods and the treatment really made a difference.

i think your DD is really having problems and you shouldn't go it alone. there are many resources out there, accessible through the school or GP. keep an eye out for any signs of bullying and/or depression. its scary to think of depression when she is so young, but i first starting self harming at age 12. (i would like point out that i was very much the worst case scenario.)

wishing you and your dd luck and love.

Al1son · 20/01/2011 23:31

You could have been describing my DD this time last year. She couldn't put into words why she couldn't go but she became more and more desperate and anxious. I really regret forcing her to go for that first term because it did not end of damage to her and to our relationship. She had never really liked school but had not refused to attend before and her behaviour was always exemplary.

It turns out that she has Asperger's Syndrome and could not cope with the noisy, unpredictable, busy environment of her high school. She now has a place in the school's mainstream autism base and loves going to school.

I would never have believed anyone who told me she had an autistic spectrum disorder when it all started.

YABU if you don't work very very hard to find out why she is so unhappy in school. She is crying out to you for help. Don't ignore her like I did.

JHHJ · 20/01/2011 23:49

Echo a lot of replies you need to find out why

magicmummy1 · 21/01/2011 00:05

Agree with other posters - you definitely need to work with the school to find out what's going on. yanbu to make her go to school but you do need to help her work through any issues that are getting her down.

igetmorelovefromthecat · 21/01/2011 00:15

I did this age 14, I was really unhappy at school. I would literally have to be dragged out of the house.

Years later, when I was having some counselling, I was telling the counsellor about it and she looked at me in horror and said "But they still made you go?". And yes when she put it like that it seemed kind of ludicrous that they were forcibly dragging me to school while I was kicking and screaming.

There is something going on with her. You really need to find out what that is. And if that involves missing a bit of school, then so be it. In the end I moved schools and was a lot happier.

KalokiMallow · 21/01/2011 00:36

When you ask her why she wont go, do you do it in the mornings when she is refusing? Or when she is relaxed and not attempting to get out of school, eg. weekends?

One thing that may help, if she is struggling to explain why, ask her when you are in the car together (obv. not on the way to school). I know I always found it easier to talk to my mum when her attention wasn't directly focussed on me. If she's having to be physically dragged I'd be worried, unless she is normally physically confrontational. The refusal to go where there are crowds also sounds like it is more than just laziness.

Hope you can get her to talk to you. Good luck.

cory · 21/01/2011 08:21

My dd is like this, she suffers from depression and anxiety. Which makes her very tired.

WotzNotNot · 21/01/2011 08:35

KalokiMallow I have good talks with dds in the car. Just the two of us, front seats. No face to face or eye contact and you have their full attention. It has worked for me in the past too. Little talks, for only as long as they are willing to discuss things.

cory - sorry to hear that. But how do you go about getting her help in the first place, did your GP help/refer you?

mummytime · 21/01/2011 08:51

Talk to the school (form tutor, head of year, any family worker, any counselor). You can then go on to talking to your GP and maybe trying to get her to see a counselor that way too.

Teenagers in my experience feel tired, have huge mood swings and often don't want to go to school. However to have this every day means there is an issue, and you need to get to the root cause and get help to sort it.

Do try to talk to her about it as well (not in the morning, but of an evening or weekend).

Good luck!

katiestar · 21/01/2011 13:37

It sounds entirely normal IME

julienoshoes · 21/01/2011 16:25

It sounds as though this could be due to school phobia

So called school phobia is one of the reasons that parents are increasingly taking their children out of school to home educate

sadly I have heard this story over and over from many parents who get in touch, but heart warmingly home education-taking the child away from the source of deep distress works!

There is a sympathetic book on the subject Can't Go Won't Go: An Alternative Approach to School Refusal

and as someone else has mentioned, there are laods of us over on the home education section, who would be willing to chat about it!

KalokiMallow · 22/01/2011 00:33

dizzeeee How are you doing?

midlandsmumof4 · 22/01/2011 01:13

School phobia.....another bloody stupid label. Sorry but where does this end.

lisa1cares · 22/01/2011 01:25

@midlandsmumof4 sorry to inform you but school phobia has been around for at least 16 years so it is not another bloody label and I can tell you it is very much really, Just like any other phobia. How do I know you ask, because I had it and it totally trashed my education between the ages of 11-13 when I went to a special needs school that could help me and put me in a placement at collage aged 14. so please don't belittle a horrible phobia its not just a bloody label.

lisa1cares · 22/01/2011 01:33

Dear dizzeee yes it could be a mental health problem but then it could also be a hormonal imbalance. With girls of this age you know yourself their is many things going on in our brains :) Is she by any chance being bullied or has she ever been bullied. Maybe try and find her some after school kind of clubs that she might take some kind of interest in, let her pick because lets face it anything parents pick is always rubbish :) Its very hard to fit in at school and maybe if she could just find a peer group that makes her happy she might not feel so down and want to be at school. Have you spoken to the school yet ??? there is lots of support out there its just finding it thats the hard part but start with school :) good luck

midlandsmumof4 · 22/01/2011 02:18

16 years? Is that all? Maybe they should change the name then. I totally understand about special needs. Just think this label is a cop out for everyone past (parent) or present (child} who hated/hates or will hate school.

mummytime · 22/01/2011 08:46

MidlandsMum, obvously none of your children is a school refuser, and it doesn't sound as if you have encountered one. It is not just about a child who dislikes school, or says they hate it. It is about children and young people who are physically sick at the thought of school, create mega trantrums, and will do whatever they can not to go. There is also a lot of difference between a young child (who could be forced to school) and a teenager. I could not physically force my 14 year old to school, I have to rely on emotional/social pressure.

There may also be something seriously wrong, I often expressed a reluctance o go to school as a teenager. I still went, but what I was worried about was my own physical safety. This wasn't far-fetched as at least one other pupil ended up off school for 18 months after being stabbed, but it didn't make the national press in those days.

I should probably have refused school more strongly. Others may have no "real" dangers but have a high perception of danger. That is why it is important that the OP finds out why her daughter is refusing; and why schools usually take the issue seriously.

CrosswordAddict · 22/01/2011 08:52

Is she tired on days when she doesn't have to go to school? My guess is she could be genuinely run down or anaemic.
On top of that she may not be very happy at school. Some children won't stay off school even when they ARE ill because they enjoy seeing friends and having a laugh.
You must keep dragging her to school but at the same time get to the bottom of it. See teachers and GP. Don't give up. Keep chipping away at it until you get some progress.

aPixie · 22/01/2011 08:58

Do people really think dragging her to school would make the situation any better for the child? Serious question by the way as I have no experience of this.

If that was my child then I would be keeping her off school until I found out the reason. That might be a case of de-registering her and home educating her for a while and then letting her go back when she's ready. I really don't understand how forcing a child who may have one of the problems mentioned in other posts (and I'm fully aware that they are real problems) is going to help them in any way shape or form.

Parsgirl · 22/01/2011 09:14

I know I keep banging on about this but it because my DD has just had it. Get your DD tested for Glandular Fever even if she doesn't have it now she may have had it (they can tell from a blood test) and be left with depression. Glandular fever has very close links with post viral issues such as depression and lethargy. Good Luck this must be a nightmare time for you and your DD.

julienoshoes · 22/01/2011 15:29

re:school phobia
I don't think it's a good name either...........but I think that because phobias are supposed to be irrational fears.
I don't think a fear of going somewhere you are bullied/belittled or where it is too difficult to cope with fo whatever reason is irrational.

That's why I said 'so called school phobia'

I have now met many school refusers, who now are home educated and the love of learning and life has returned, in every single one of them!
it is school that is the problem, not the children.

In my experience it has been a case of take away the stress that is school and the problem resolves.

debinaboat · 22/01/2011 22:00

I had school phobia 35 years ago so it has been around for many years, a phobia is an irrational fear ,there does not have to be a reason for it. I could never explain to my mum why i couldnt go to school it was a "feeling" i got ,like something bad was going to happen if i left my house to go to school,i also was fine if i did manage to go so it seemed like it was the process of going that was the problem. My doctor put me on valium (i was 15) which i then had to be weaned off.I have to add that i was not bullied,or found the work hard, i had pals at school and was a normal teen in all other ways, and i did not dislike school. Sometimes things just cant be explained easily. I am sorry this is not much help to you but wanted to say your DD might not know herself why she feels the way she does.

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