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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not understand the "full-time mum" defensiveness

59 replies

saintknickerless · 19/01/2011 11:38

Surely the term full-time mum is just a description for someone to use who stays at home full-time with their kids? It's not a dig at working mums who are also obviously still mothers when at work as well as daughters, sisters, cousins etc.
But if you are working full time then you're not doing "mum things" with your kids all day are you? Why are some so defensive about it?

OP posts:

DameShirleyKnot · 19/01/2011 11:40

Read the recently resurrected thread for a clue.

frgr · 19/01/2011 11:48

Well mothers may not be doing "mum things" when they are at work, but they are still mothers.

And anyway, if a "full time mum" goes to the supermarket alone, or the dentist alone, whatever, technically she's still not doing "mum tasks", she's just doing "people tasks" which anyone (be they male, female, working, not working, childless, childed) has to do. It's called Life.

Original poster

saintknickerless · 19/01/2011 11:48

I have read some of it - not reading it all
Just can't understand how you can be a full-time mum and have a full time job. You couldn't have any other 2 full-time jobs at the same time.
I wonder if people who work are projecting their guilt onto people who use this term which would be completely unnecessary in my view as working to support your kids is nothing to feel guilty about.
I also wonder how many dads who work full-time would also want to be referred to as full-time dads?

OP posts:

onimolap · 19/01/2011 11:50

Which forum is the other thread in? I't's dropped out of active convos.

Original poster

saintknickerless · 19/01/2011 11:51

frgr but if you cared for any other relative out of work hours you would be a carer but not a full-time carer surely?
And do some stay at home mums get to go shopping on their own? Can't remember the last time I went to the loo on my own.

OP posts:

frgr · 19/01/2011 11:51

saintknickerless, it's what the term implies. As if women who have jobs outside the home are part time mums Are men who work in offices part time dads?

i've never heard any of the SAHP i know refer to their husbands as fulltime dads. most prefer the term househusband. no opinion on this, but it's interesting to think back and being unable to recall any of the guys i/DH know refer to themselves as this.

then again, most of them refer to it as "taking a career break" or "taking time out" too. that's quite a popular angle to push now that i think more on it.

Original poster

saintknickerless · 19/01/2011 11:54

I can understand how you would be offended being called a part-time mum. I just don't think that someone referring to themselves as a full-time mum is implying anything about anyone else. And it's maybe a bit defensive to assume they are. I usually use SAHM myself - especially since reading how some find full-time mum offensive. i don't really get why but I wouldn't want to offend anyone.

OP posts:

HettyAmaretti · 19/01/2011 11:59

OH FFS who actually says that IRL? No one, I suspect.

What do you do?

I look after the children.

How hard is it?

BabyDubsEverywhere · 19/01/2011 12:04

In RL i ALWAYS say full time mom, and so does everywone else, on here is the only time i ever hear the long clumpy stay at home mom phrase!

Saint, some people will find offence in everything.

HollyGoHeavily · 19/01/2011 12:08

It's irritating because it implies that women who work are part time mums. Will you still consider yourself a full time mum when your children go to school - because you won't be looking after them every minute? Or will you realise that all mums are full time, some choose to use childcare, others don't.

tabulahrasa · 19/01/2011 12:14

I'd use fulltime mum to mean I'm not working, not that I'm doing more parenting than someone that also has a job

I'm not a housewife, cos firstly I didn't marry one and also I'm appalling at the housework side of things, lol

I'm not unemployed because I'm not looking for work

I need to call myself something...

missorinoco · 19/01/2011 12:15

I personally don't care whether I'm called a full-time mum, a part-time mum or a house-husband, although I concede the latter would be slightly inaccurate, but I think the point is you are still a mum, and you remain so whilst you work. One can hardly say to nursery, sorry, can't pick up the DC, I'm only a part time mum you see.

bubblewrapped · 19/01/2011 12:17

lady of leisure?

tabulahrasa · 19/01/2011 12:18

I've tried that bubblewrapped, people look at you funny

BabyDubsEverywhere · 19/01/2011 12:18

You're right holly, I will be a full time mom until January 2012, from then on i will be a retired full time mom.

Joling aside, it really is just a few words, and where Im from, its just what people say, no offence intended or felt.

JumpOnIt · 19/01/2011 12:18

I can't find the original thread. I'm a bit slow with these things. I have to admit that I am a mum who works full time but it has never really occurred to me that folk who call themselves a full time mum are implying I am not! The will always be someone who will take things the wrong way. I have come across some who have given me a hard time for working but I have to. And some people just want to. Or a combination of the two. I would never consider myself a part time Mum though. I could be at home all day and she would go to pre school because of her age. Would that make me a part time Mum?

MorticiaAddams · 19/01/2011 12:24

saintknickerless Being a Mum is not a job, it's a relationship and is there all the time regardless of whether you happen to be with your child at that moment in the same way you don't become a part-time daughter/sister when you are not with your parents/siblings. I've never heard anyone say they're not a full time daughter because they don't live with their parents any more.

Do you stop being a Mum when your kids are asleep in another room, at nursery, school or playing with friends in their home? Of course not but you are not with them parenting them at that time so why is it different to being at work?

Ormirian · 19/01/2011 12:27

It's like saying 'full time human'. You don't stop being a human because you start being an employee. Ditto motherhood.

AMumInScotland · 19/01/2011 12:32

The problem with some terms is that the term that's the opposite is an insult, so using it can sound like an insult even if you don't mean it that way.

The opposite of "full-time" is "part-time", and describing anyone as a part-time parent is insulting (I'd picture a non-resident and not-that-involved parent). So by saying you are a full-time mum, there is an implication that anyone who goes out to work is a part-time mum, whether you intend it that way or not.

It's like referring to a child as "normal" - the opposite is "abnormal" which is a very unpleasant way to refer to a person. So, in order to not sound like we intend to be insulting, we refer to children as "NT" rather than "normal".

You may not mean it in an insulting way, but it can sound that way all the same.

tabulahrasa · 19/01/2011 12:33

so all these people that don't like the term

if I'm not employed and I am at home for the sole reason that I have children, what do you find an acceptable term for me to describe myself?

plainjanesuperbrain · 19/01/2011 12:42

If you worked 38 hours a week you would be a "full time" whatever your job is ie full time teacher, full time office worker rather than part time. Therefore if you look after you child all day you are a full time mum or dad or child carer. It's a descriptive term, not a put down of anyone else. Some people need to get over this.

AMumInScotland · 19/01/2011 12:42

Back when I was one, I can't recall ever needing to say "I'm a ...." about it. People usually asked "What do you do?" rather than "What are you?"

And my usual answer was "I've got my hands full with this one at the moment", or "I'm staying home while DS is small" or "I'm lucky that I can stay home for now"

Ormirian · 19/01/2011 12:44

Ok to full-time childcarer. Because that is what you actually do. Mum or dad is just what you are.

SoupDragon · 19/01/2011 12:45

Of course, the flip side is that "working parent" implies thta you do chuff all if you aren't in paid employment.

But yes, people need to get over it and take these phrases for what they actually mean, not some implied insult.

SoupDragon · 19/01/2011 12:45

Ah, but full time childcare implies that you are looking after other people's children for money.

Its a minefield

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