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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not understand the "full-time mum" defensiveness

59 replies

saintknickerless · 19/01/2011 11:38

Surely the term full-time mum is just a description for someone to use who stays at home full-time with their kids? It's not a dig at working mums who are also obviously still mothers when at work as well as daughters, sisters, cousins etc.
But if you are working full time then you're not doing "mum things" with your kids all day are you? Why are some so defensive about it?

OP posts:

plainjanesuperbrain · 19/01/2011 12:47

But if you work all day and someone else cares for your baby then you are not "full time carer" for your child. End of. You may still be the biological parent and be entitled to be called mum, dad, mother, father etc. but at the end of the day your child still spends more time being cared for by someone else than you. Where a stay at home parent cares for their child "almost full time".

I am struggling to think of an alternative description than SAHM or full time mum.

lololizzy · 19/01/2011 12:47

i think that all mums (that live with their children) are full time mums, whether leave house each day for work or not! You don't ever hear the word part time mum if you are employed part time! You're still 100% mum even if you work all hours outside of the home, surely!?

Ormirian · 19/01/2011 12:48

Yes I agree plainjane - you are not a full-time carer, but you are a full-time mother

Ormirian · 19/01/2011 12:49

What is wrong with SAHM though?

Ormirian · 19/01/2011 12:50

Actually I don't care anymore. Used to upset me but I've got used to it now so don't know why I'm bothering. Carry on...

jellybeans · 19/01/2011 12:59

YANBU I use it some times, I don't really mind what term is used, don't even mind housewife. It's just a word, a term which means you are full time home with the kids and not doing paid work. The registrar wrote in on my sons birth certificate so some officials use the term as well.

potplant · 19/01/2011 13:03

Plainjane - so would you use 'full time mum' when your DCs are at school all day?

The flip side is people who are indeed SAHM/full time mums baulking when people say they don't work meaning you aren't in paid employment.

Original poster

saintknickerless · 19/01/2011 13:18

I wouldn't use full-time mum if my kids were at school all day. When DS starts nursery I'll be going to work part time so I'll say I'm a part time X (whatever I end up doing) and I look after the kids when they're not at nursery.
I totally think that there is a difference in actively being a mum and being a "on call" for want of a better term when they are at school or you are at work. Do people really think that anyone is suggesting that during the hours they work they cease to be related to their child as their mother?

OP posts:

MorticiaAddams · 19/01/2011 13:55

So when you start work you will only be a part-time Mum?

Original poster

saintknickerless · 19/01/2011 14:15

I'll be a part-time stay at home mum! I wouldn't like to be referred to as a part-time mum - I think that would be rude but if someone else said they were a full-time mum I wouldn't think they were implying that I'm a part-time mum! Just that they're at home all day and I'm not.

OP posts:

rubyrubyruby · 19/01/2011 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 19/01/2011 14:23

tabulah surely you can find your own term to describe yourself? What wrong with simply saying "I'm a Mum"? Call yourself a full time Mum if you want, but don't feel that it differentiates yourself from me.

I work outside of the home "full" time but I'm not a part time mother. I'm a parent 100% of the time - it never switches off. I think Amuminscotland painted quite a clear picture.

Soon I will be on maternity leave and I will be SAHM for 6 blissful months.

cunexttuesonline · 19/01/2011 14:33

i think its a stupid term. 'Mother' is not a job, nor is 'father', 'wife' or 'husband'. We are those things all of the time, or 'full time' wherever we might be.

MorticiaAddams · 19/01/2011 14:33

My head hurts from all this banging against a brick wall.

Francagoestohollywood · 19/01/2011 14:38

I agree with Morticia that being a mum is not a job. It is, a relationship, a condition that doesn't change depending on how much you work outside the home, and doesn't change once the children go to school or leave the family house.

tabulahrasa · 19/01/2011 14:38

I never said fulltime mum differentiates me from anyone, except that if I say that - whoever I'm talking to then knows that I'm not employed

and of course it would tend to be - what do you do? and I'd usually answer, oh I'm at home with kids or something along those lines

I wasn't being funny about it at all, just genuinely, I don't have a job title because I don't have a job, so what do I describe myself as?

If you're making small talk with someone you don't know well, you'd tend to ask what they do, if they're working they'll tell you what their job is and they'll usually tell you they've got kids as well

I've never till I came on here considered fulltime mum to be implying anything about anyone who works

I quite like telling people I'm a kept woman, lol, but I do have a bit of a warped sense of humour

Francagoestohollywood · 19/01/2011 14:38

Sorry, there is an unnecessary ,

TwoIfBySea · 19/01/2011 14:42

People's worth is down to how much they earn unfortunately and not by who they are. That is why I would imagine there is defensiveness.

Why you are staying at home to look after the children - your dh/dp is supporting you financially = no matter how personal a choice it was to look after your own children you will be looked down on.

Chil1234 · 19/01/2011 14:46

There's never been a good description for 'someone that manages a household whilst their partner earns the family income' since 'housewife' fell out of fashion. 'Home-maker', 'full-time mum', 'stay at home mum', 'domestic engineer', 'professional parent'.... they're all pretty silly. What we need is a completely new word and then no-one would feel condescended to or offended.

It's a pity 'muggle' is already taken :)

rubyrubyruby · 19/01/2011 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frgr · 19/01/2011 14:52

"domestic engineer"?

reminds me of the time my (ardently feminist) friend started to tell me about the housework books from the 1950s when they tried to make out "home making" was akin to a science. To make the women who had little choice in the matter feel slightly better - thank god we have less overt pressure these days (although it hasn't gone completely). Some consolation, eh?

noodle69 · 19/01/2011 15:01

I work with my child as she is there the whole time at my workplace so I do work and 24/7 look after kids, but I still think full time mum is a silly statement. I am not going to change to a part time mum when she starts school lol

TwoIfBySea · 19/01/2011 15:02

'Tis only my opinion and experience, rubyx3.

I was a SAHM before ex up and left us and I have to say I really enjoyed it, never felt I had to defend myself and that it was other people's problem if they didn't like it.

rubyrubyruby · 19/01/2011 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missorinoco · 19/01/2011 15:23

I have never thought about this topic so hard before. Now I want need another Mars Bar ice cream to recharge my brain, and I have just eaten the one I bought.

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