To be considering this....

[awakeinthedark]

I have changed my name for now because I can't decide what to do. I'm pregnant. And I had my wonderful DS only 12 weeks ago. I'm a very very silly woman, I was abstaining from sex with DH until I went to the doctors to sort out a reliable form of birth control, but a few weeks ago after a friends party we had left DS with MIL and had far too much to drink. My periods hadn't come back properly yet and to be honest, in a drunken state I didn't really think about using anything other than a condom. Some time passed, my breasts have become sore, I feel terribly faint, and so I'm pregnant.

I love my DS and he is wonderful and was a planned, very much wanted baby but he is hard work. And my pregnancy with him wasn't easy. Hyperemesis, gestational diabetes and a truly awful labour that didn't progress followed by CS. I'm quite overweight and piled on even more during the pregnancy. This year was going to be the year of health and fitness. I've joined a gym, I have worked out a diet plan. We planned to be able to give our DS everything, and meticulously budgeted for having a baby.

We can't afford another, we don't have the space, I dont know if I have it in me to go through it all again and I'm so worried that my DS's life will truly suffer as a result. The idea of throwing up all day and feeling like it's the end of the world everyday for five months is one of many things that still has me awake at 4 when I know my DS will be up in 2 hours.

But, I know my DS. I love him, and this is another little him.

I'm thinking about a termination, but I don't know how I could even sit accross from my doctor and ask for one when I was in there two weeks ago gushing about how enriching my son is.

Please help me. Am I being unreasonable if I do this? Are my reasons enough?

Hi everyone,

Sorry, it's been a long morning with DS! Thanks so much for all your support, it's amazing, especially with getting the post removed.

When it's not 4 in the morning it doesn't feel as desperate a situation I suppose. DH is quite adamant that it's not the right time, and that it wouldn't be good for our DS. But he wavers when he looks at our baby!

I had actually planned to only have one child. We have a tiny little house with two bedrooms, DS's is absolutely miniscule with barely enough room for hid cot, and his chest of drawers is in the hall. (though he is in with us at the moment.)

I'm going to take advice and talk to my doctor. I can't talk to my mum as I think if I said I was pregnant she would be really happy and I just can't imagine that conversation. She would offer us financial help I'm sure, but I know she couldn't really afford to and I would never be able to take it from her.

I'm 29 but still really the first of my close friends to have a baby and I don't feel comfortable talking to them about it.

I'm going to cuddle DS and work up the courage to ring my GP surgery. I just hope I don't get the nosy receptionist, not sure I would know what to say!

Thanks again for all your support, it's so good to hear all your experiences, it really helps.

Good luck, and if the receptionist asks, you just have to say you want to see the doctor soon for something personal and whilst it isnt an emergency you would appreciate an appointment this week. They have no right to expect to be told why you want to see the dr.

Just echoing other posts: it would not be unreasonable for you to decide not to continue with the pregnancy, you've just given birth after a difficult pregnancy and have a small baby to care for. It's perfectly natural for you to want to focus on your DS.

If anyone tries to suggest it is U, they most definitely are BU! You have to do what is best for you and your family, not live up to someone else's idea of what is right or wrong.

Good luck OP.

Have no useful advice other than what others have already said. But in your original post you said, "Are my reasons enough?". Please remember that you don't have to justify whatever decision you make to anyone else. Your reasons for your decision just have to be enough for you.

Let us know how you get on.

do what is right for you. i'm sure if you go through with it you will cope and have a lovely sibling for your son. however if you decide not to it is no one else's business really.

it's hard to know how you would cope with the decision to have a termination as it is such a personal thing.

did you want a second child at some point? if you were to have a termination and then struggled to conceive in the future would that become a regret for you?

I think the OP has said that they only planned to have one child.

Yep, if the receptionist asks what the reason for appointment is, just reply ''It's personal''. The receptionist at my GP always asks if the reason is personal or not :)

Good luck, with the Dr, awakeinthedark, I'm certain he/she will be very useful and sympathetic. Keep coming back to us. It will help you.
Whatever you decide will be the right decision for you and your family x

Personally I would keep the baby. It may seem bizarre but as you are very indecided an abortion could really screw you up and you could develop severe postnatal depression. Your young baby would be a constant reminder of it too. Making this decision when you gave birth 12 weeks ago and are exhausted is also not wise. Better to have another beautiful child than a life time of regret.

Awakeinthedark, YANBU to consider it BUT...
Every pregnancy is different and it could end up being the easiest pregnancy in the world but you never know, there is no gurantee you would suffer hypemesis (sp?) again this time around.

I have been in your situation my eldest was 8 weeks old when my contraceptives failed and I fell pregnant again, it is tough on your body and I did consider a termination but could never go through with it personally I had another DS with 10.5 months between them and I was terrified on how I would cope as I was only 20yrs but I didn't find it that bad, my eldest wasn't walking so I didn't need to worry about catching up with him whilst feeding and also he still napped in the day so I had plenty of time to bond with DC2.

All I'm trying to say is it isn't the end of the world and it's never as bad as what you think it will be.
HTH x

Is your username meant in irony TheSecondComing considering you would happily terminate?

"Hyperemesis, gestational diabetes and a truly awful labour that didn't progress followed by CS"

Love, ask your doc what the risks are of another pregnancy so soon after a C-sec. I was told to wait 6 months absolute minimum, better yet 18 months to 2 years.

That was 10 years ago though and the advice might have changed.

That factor could be an important one to take into consideration in the decision making process.

BlessingsGalore I asked people for advice, and I think people should be able to comment without judgement don't you?

Sarahitaly That is actually a really good point, I will absolutely ask the doctor about it.

Thanks again everyone for your comments, it's actually been really comforting to come on here and read everytime I have a second to think!

I have a doctors appointment on Monday. As it wasn't an emergency and they are inundated with cold/flu/coughs it was the earliest she would/could give me.

Oh well! 5 days of discussion with my DH about it should make for a great time! At least my big fat gypsy wedding is on in ten minutes...

I will be honest, my initial reaction was YABU, im aginst abortion. But then of course, i thought about how i would feel and i would be horrified if i became pregnant again, if i had fallen pregnant again straight after DD i would have been even more horrified. So i can't tell you you weould be UR to terminate when i cannot 100% say, hand on heart that i wouldnt do it myself.

But please don't make a hasty decision, of course i know time is of the essense, but MAYBE talk it through with DH. The arguments you present for wanting to terminate are imvho not deal breakers for me because if this was a planned pregnancy then you would deal with it all. Health risks im less sure about - talk to a doctor? Is there somewhere where you can get reliable medical advice about the health risks because i dont think they are trivial.

Financial considerations - i would say this, if you were planning on having another later on, then you would be having another period of time off work, so to have two close together might acutally be cheaper?

I don't know, poor you, wouldnt want to have to make this decision, but weigh up both sides, you are going to be hormonal and traumatised from your birth, i would say, get some medical advice and then decide.

Good luck x

Seriously...nobody 'Happily terminates'

BlessingsGalore

This isn't the place to start your anti choice propaganda!

And you baby may not necessarily be a 'constant reminder'. Mine wasn't! My baby was a reminder of how lucky I was that I get to choose how many children I raise!

Very well said :)

I'm so glad that the negative comments are few and far between.

You asked "are my reasons enough?" in your op - sorry lovey but only you (and dh) can know that.

My only contribution really is don't discount it based on the size of your house - we live in a tiny 2 bed cottage with no prospect of moving, and although it's gotten a bit more cramped since ds2 arrived, it's fine. Ok, so it'd be nice if, even if they couldn't have a room each, they could both have proper beds (ds2 has a mattress beneath ds1's mid sleeper!), but even so..

I wish you well with your difficult choice.

COCKadoodledooo I know you mean well, but I have to say that the OP probably can't see if her reasons are enough. It is a very hard place to be & I didn't think my reasons were enough & needed reassurance. I got it in the end & it is one thing I always try to say on threads like these.

If you don't want to go ahead with a pregnancy, your reasons are always good enough!

It sounds to me like your DH is as on the fence with this as you are. Maybe he is just trying to support you because you had a rough pregnancy (doesn't want you to feel pushed into another) and you had agreed you were only having one child (so following through on a previous decision, not re thinking allowing for the current situation) - maybe though, when he looks at your baby he sees what this decision is really about iyswim.

I couldn't terminate a pregnancy in this siutation myself. I think you always find a way around the practical stuff. Especially with the biggie - the bedroom, there are all kinds of cool bed/cot combos for smaller rooms, then bunkbeds. You can always get a wall to wall bed put in the small room for them and put them (& their toys etc!) in the big room - there's always a way :)

As others have said, just because your last pregnancy was rough, doesn't mean this one will be, you might sail through it!

Your son's life wont suffer if you keep the baby. He will be like any other child with a sibling :) Many kids have Mums that had a rough pregnancy - even if you are feeling crap throughout this one, he's not going to know or frankly care so long as he's cuddled and fed! It's an ideal time really as he wont miss out on going places and having you running around after him - because he wont be running around :)

You can still eat well/healthily, you can still go to the gym :) One of my good friends (she was very overweight) lost weight during her pregnancy because she ate better than she had in years :)

I think you are having to make this decision at the worst possible time, around 12 weeks is the low point for a lot of new Mums - your hormones are still all over and with the pregnancy are even worse, you are sleep deprived and completely knackered and now you are being asked to make a huge decision :(

I'm worried that you will decide to terminate on the basis that your last pregnancy was rough and the fact that the thought of caring for another baby right now is just too overwheming, but that in time you will regret the decison (when you aren't quite so knackered).

I'm only saying all of this because you asked AIBU and you asked if your decisions were 'good enough'... x

I'm another with 2 children with a small age gap. I cried buckets when I found out I was pregnant with dd.

We were trying for 14 months to get pregnant first time round so stupidly assumed it would take a long time again but that wasnt the case.

I felt I would be doing ds a 'diservice' because he was so young and he was my baby and I wanted to concentrate on him. Also financially we werent in the best position and also live in a tiny 2 bed house.

Fast forward to the present and they are 3 and 20 months. The first 6 months were hard, very hard but now I can honestly say its absolutely fine. They are so close its wonderful, they adore each other.

They share a tiny bedroom and poor dd wears all of ds's outgrown vests etc but its fine and we have managed.

You are not being BU in whatever you decide, only you know what is best for your family and I wish you all the very best

Please let us know how you get on x