To be considering this....

[awakeinthedark]

I have changed my name for now because I can't decide what to do. I'm pregnant. And I had my wonderful DS only 12 weeks ago. I'm a very very silly woman, I was abstaining from sex with DH until I went to the doctors to sort out a reliable form of birth control, but a few weeks ago after a friends party we had left DS with MIL and had far too much to drink. My periods hadn't come back properly yet and to be honest, in a drunken state I didn't really think about using anything other than a condom. Some time passed, my breasts have become sore, I feel terribly faint, and so I'm pregnant.

I love my DS and he is wonderful and was a planned, very much wanted baby but he is hard work. And my pregnancy with him wasn't easy. Hyperemesis, gestational diabetes and a truly awful labour that didn't progress followed by CS. I'm quite overweight and piled on even more during the pregnancy. This year was going to be the year of health and fitness. I've joined a gym, I have worked out a diet plan. We planned to be able to give our DS everything, and meticulously budgeted for having a baby.

We can't afford another, we don't have the space, I dont know if I have it in me to go through it all again and I'm so worried that my DS's life will truly suffer as a result. The idea of throwing up all day and feeling like it's the end of the world everyday for five months is one of many things that still has me awake at 4 when I know my DS will be up in 2 hours.

But, I know my DS. I love him, and this is another little him.

I'm thinking about a termination, but I don't know how I could even sit accross from my doctor and ask for one when I was in there two weeks ago gushing about how enriching my son is.

Please help me. Am I being unreasonable if I do this? Are my reasons enough?

I have a horrendous pregnancy, birth and new born stage with dd - if I had found I pg at 12 weeks I would have felt exactly the same as you, YANBU.

Fast forward 5 years and I wish I had had another baby within a short time, because now dd is an only and I am so past the nappy stage that I know I couldn't go back. But at that time I would have cracked up completely had I had another so soon, I think so there isn't an easy answer. All I know is that every stge of parenthood is very hard and you have to do whatever makes your family happiest at that particular time.

What does your dh think?

YANBU for considering a termination.

Did you plan on ever having more DC, or were you going to stop at one? That might be something to consider.

Having two DC very close together is very tiring at first, and being pregnant & caring for a small toddler is difficult, but once the youngest is about 3 it tends to get easier. Then there are advantages in having two close together as everyone said.

I really feel for you because I got pg when DD1 was only just six months old, and very nearly had a termination.

The thing that helped me decide was to list all the reasons why I didn't want a baby. That made me realise that actually, my reasons weren't that solid! Of course everyone's reasons are different, and you may come to a different outcome.

I hope things turn out OK whatever you decide.

There are five years between my first and my second, as I was only ever going to have one, but the difference in ages means the older one has always looked out for the younger one, they bonded immediately.

My brother and sister are close in ages and they always fought constantly until they were 17.

YANBU but please make sure you sit down and discuss it properly with your partner as obviously he has a say too.

It may seem like the end of the world right now (Im sure I'd have thought the same) but it could also be a great thing! There will always be people with differing experiences regarding this, some who have hated close siblings and others who have loved it, I guess it is just a risk you need to work out if it's worth taking in YOUR situation.

I have a friend whose DD's are 10 months apart (now 3&4) and they do nothing but fight but on the other hand I have a friend whose DD's are 14 months apart and they love each other to bits (now 1&3). So there is never a set outcome!

Good luck with whatever you choose and remember the only person you and your DP need to justify your decision to is youself! :)

YANBU but I think it is also important to consider how many children you want eventually- I had a friend who was in exactly your position and terminated because she couldn't face another pregnancy, and since then has had several miscarriages and is completely racked by guilt and regret. Obviously not suggesting this will happen to you, but if it did, would you regret it?

Also any unplanned pregnancy is terrifying, but I think the hardest part is deciding what to do. Once you've decided and your mind is made up, it becomes easier to follow through because in your mind it's the right thing for you to do.

Hope you manage to come to a decision soon!

Op, I was in a very similar situation as you.

Found out after a few months of having ds when I went for a smear that I was pregnant.

Was completely, shellshocked as was breast-feeding,periods hadn't yet reappeared & to top it all I'd been told by my consultant after the traumatic birth ,where we both almost died, that there had been complications & it would be very unlikely I'd conceive again & if I did, unable to carry a baby to full-term.

Cue,situation where I was at my referral appointment for a termination & they discovered I was 10 days over the time-limit for being put under & that I'd have to go through a labour.

Well,as you can imagine the decision was made for me.
I carried on the with the pregnancy & managed to carry my daughter to 38 wks with no problems.

There is 13 months between my two & honestly, they are so, close & being so close in age they have always entertained each other- & still do even though, they are 11 & 12 now.

Another poster, has said you'll feel ill for the first 9 months of your son's life therefore, probably best to have a termination.
I felt great physically & mentally. Also, managed to continue breastfeeding my son. I gave him his last feed the night before I gave birth to his sister.

You, also touched on the financial aspect. We had not even planned or budgeted for dc1 let,alone dc2,but, you do get there. We muddled on & are now very settled, financially comfortable with 2 gorgeous,happy children.
When I think back to December 1998 & how desperate I felt , to now & how everything has worked out perfectly, it's amazing & I do feel blessed.

Op, take time to come to your decision.
I hope whatever one you choose that you will be happy.

A friend of mine was in your position and she was similarly terrified, she did proceed with the pregnancy. In retrospect we are all a bit envious as she has piled through the difficult stuff in one two year period whereas us lot planning number two were/are dithering about having the second baby several years later (the longer you leave number two the more difficult it is to throw yourself back in I think).

I think talking it through with some trained counsellors would be a great idea - everyone here will have opinions but they are NOT walking in your shoes. Good luck x

YANBU.

What a horribly confusing situation to find yourself in. Give yourself some time to decide and talk to people who can help you. I'd suggest heading to professionals like Marie Stopes - however great friends and family are, they may have their own opinions and they won't be able to help pushing for one or another.

This might help.

No, you are not being unreasonable at all.

These are your feelings and your choice. Nobody should judge you, the choice is there for you for bloody good reason..it's your life and your body.

I was in the same position as you. I didn't have a small gap to worry about, it just wasn't right for me to be having a child at that stage in my life. I was already a mum, too..so that made people wince a bit, I think.

I regret getting pregnant, but not the termination. I have had children since. I still don't regret it.

Best of luck in whatever you choose to do. As others have said there are people out there to counsel x

Just want to add, that it's kind of "In for a penny,in for a pound"!
The early years are mad anyway, we were up to our ears on nappies, no social life, fairly skint, that tbh having our daughter didn't make much difference. It was all organised chaos,anyway!

Also, just want to add I was 23 when this happened. No idea, what age you are op but, if your younger it might seem even more daunting but, my family & I are proof it can all work out just fine.

for context, i have had a termination but i have to say i knew 100% without doubt that it was absolutley the right thing to do at the time. and therefore i wasn't affected by guilt or regret. a small amount of sadness but that's all.

you need to be honest with yourself, without thinking of what your GP or anybody else will think of you, are you sure 100% you want to terminate. if you are then that's fine. do it. but if you're not, deep down, inside you, sure... then maybe it's not the best course of action. regret can be a horrible thing.

I've just reported mummy's post also.
Ignore comments like that...there's always one I'm afraid.
I got caught (being stupid) when my son was 4 months old. I terminated for many reasons, financial, space but mainly I felt my son deserved to have his parents to himself for a while longer. He'll be 3 when this baby comes which is perfect for me. I don't regret terminating the middle pregnancy, we did the right thing for us.
Good luck with everything and make sure u get support through this x

YANBU to feel the way you do. But to echo everyone else, please talk to others before making this decision as it has far-reaching consequences whichever way you go.

I can't advise, only you can do what is right for you, for DS, and for DH. But I wish you well and hope that you find the strength and courage to make the right choices, whichever they may be.

Not very helpful I know, I'm sorry.

YANBU at all for considering termination, I know how scary it feels to find out you are pregnant again when you have a young baby.

There is 16 months between my two, and when I found out I was pregnant with DD2 both DP and I were in bits. I cried solidly for days, we were absolutely gutted, and we seriously considered termination. We were utterly broke as it was the start of the recession and DP is self-employed. His money had gone down by around two thirds and I was still on SMP. It truly could not have been worse timing!

In the end we decided to go through with the pregnancy. But no-one would judge you at all if you decide it's just too much, especially considering the hard time you had during pregnancy and birth.

I do agree with talking with trained counsellors, the BPAS have a phoneline you can call to talk to someone.

I was in a similar situation to differentnameforthis (who helped me when I was making my decision by sharing her experience)

Glad to have helped, winny!

YANBU. If you have this baby you are looking at 2-3 years of very very hard work (+ the pregnancy period, which might not be as bad but realistically is likely to be harder than your first). How hard it will be might depend on the amount of family support you have. I think that might be a factor to consider.

YANBU at all to consider it - I think it's important to look carefully at your situation, weigh up all the options, and decide what is best for you, your DH, and your DS.

And YwouldNBU to have a termination.

YwouldNBU to continue the pregnancy either.

OP what is your gut instinct?

Awakeinthedark YANBU to consider this. We had a contraceptive failure after DC2 when our family was complete. However, at the scan to date the pregnancy we discovered that I was 18 weeks pregnant so there was no choice but to carry on. Our family was just going to have to be a bit more complete.

There are only 15 months between DC2 & DC3. They are close but not unusually so.

Having the unplanned DC3 has made huge changes - we moved house, DH stopped doing a job which bored him and became a SAHD. We moved abroad (and back again). We wouldnt have done any of these things if we hadnt had DC3.

It is an entirely personal choice. No one can tell you what the effect of your choice will be but you need to reconcile yourself with the choice you do make.

Pg when planned can feel overwhelming, a surprised one even more so. If you are a planner (you mentioned meticulously budgeting) when something shakes that surety it can be overwhelming. Don't know if you are a list-maker but when I was deciding about having another I made a list to help clarify my feelings.

One more to love? Dh's cousin had 3 under 1 (2nd lot were twins) & although the timing isn't what she would have chosen, hers is a busy & happy household. However, she does has family around to help out a bit, we don't
Siblings grow up very close? Share a bedroom? My older two have cool bunkbeds & love sharing a room even though they could have a room each.
Healthy eating meant my overweight friend lost weight during pg!
Finances - is it going to a stretch (most babies are) or is it serious as in no roof over your heads?

Just some thoughts that we ended up discussing, but in the end it did come down to what we felt, but it helped to have the periphery stuff dealt with to concentrate on the root of the issue.

Good luck, whatever you decide, it's a very personal decision.

YANBU with whatever decision you make. It has to be the right decision for you in your situation. MN is great for hearing other peoples experiences but you'll always get more or less a 50/50 for and against.

Only you can make the decision. I think if I was in your situation I would speak to my gp and go from there. Good luck and I hope everything goes well for you with whatever you decide.

Hi i just wanted to say whatever you choose to do is entirely your decision and there is no right or wrong. I have been in this situation-there is 1 year and 3 days between my 2 eldest and i will admit at the time it was extremely hard being pregnant again so quickly and having a tiny baby to look after at the same time. BUT on the other hand it was really really lovely and they (both girls) are very close and they dont ever remember a time when they havent been together-ppl always ask if they are twins. They are 13 and 14. Whatever you decide to do i wish you all the best x

I am wondering how OP is feeling now? Come back to us OP, we are thinking of you.

I am very happy to see that FirstTimeMummy2Be's post has been removed by MN and I have had a very nice email from HQ. Thanks HQ, good work.

All I would like to say is that there are only 11 months between my ex and his sister. His mum said she thought it would be difficult, but it ended up a lot easier than she expected financially and coping wise.

But it is still your decision and if you were unwell in your first pregnancy it is understandable to be worried how you will cope.. but it might be easier coping now while your first baby is not yet toddling around and you are having to chase after him all the time, than in a couple of years.

I had an abortion when my son was two as I wasn't finacially or emotionally in a position to have another child.

I regret it. Really regret it..

Haven't got any decent advice for you, I'm sorry. You'll know in your heart what's right, but please don't do anything you may regret.

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