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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off with our intefering neighbour

53 replies

mamasmissionimpossible · 16/01/2011 21:52

So today our 3 year old dd throws a massive tantrum this afternoon (screaming, shouting, the works!). Which I realise is normal behaviour for a 3 year old, if very wearing.

About 20 mins into the tantrum we get a knock at the door from the old biddy nice lady who lives upstairs.

She is complaining about the noise coming from my dd and saying she has been listening to it for an hour. Which is total rubbish, as I looked at the clock and it was about 20mins.

AIBU to be pissed off and think mind your business. I need to think of some good comebacks in case she decides to darken my door again!

OP posts:

charliesmommy · 16/01/2011 21:56

Maybe she was just worried that something was wrong, and wasnt sure how to ask.

It can be quite distressing to hear a child screaming and not know why.. and 20 mins probably seemed a lot longer.

FudgeGirl · 16/01/2011 22:01

What did the neighbour say? Was she polite and worried? Or arsey?

It wouldn't be great to have to listen to screaming abdabs TBH.

BeerTricksPotter · 16/01/2011 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 16/01/2011 22:06

Id have apologised and said am real sorry he has been shouting/screaming for twenty minutes, typical three year old, fancy a cup of tea.

friedtoacrisp · 16/01/2011 22:07

Do you let your DD have a free run at a tantrum then? Or do you try to control it? I agree that 20 minutes of screaming child is enough to give anyone a throbbing headache.

Original poster

mamasmissionimpossible · 16/01/2011 22:09

The lady said that she was worried about the screaming and wondered if dd was ok. She said I thought she might be ill. She wondered if she should call the police

When dd kicks off it is very difficult to calm her down. It does usually take a good 20 mins for her to get back to her usual self.

The full blown tantrums don't happen very often. I was just worried the neighbour might think I was hurting dd. In fact, I was calmly waiting for her to settle down, anything else seems to wind her even more.

I was already having a hard time coping with dd, and just felt the neighbour coming up was the final straw of judgement on my parenting ability.

OP posts:

mutznutz · 16/01/2011 22:09

Was it a one off or does your child have regular 20 minute tantrums?

catfunt · 16/01/2011 22:10

I can beat that, we once had the police turn up cos my neighbour called them and said we were hurting my then 3 yr old who was mid tantrum, although had actually calmed down by the time they came to the door, they then followed that with repeated malicious allegations to social services, lovely welcoming neighbourhood that was....

mutznutz · 16/01/2011 22:11

Sorry cross posted.

Yes she could well have thought you were hurting your daughter...perhaps her saying she thought she might be 'ill' was a polite way of putting it.

Either way, if there were more people like her around...there would be less people getting away with hurting their kids surely?

I would have just explained that she's prone to tantrums and it does take you a while to calm her....then thanked her for her concern

BeerTricksPotter · 16/01/2011 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

charliesmommy · 16/01/2011 22:12

At least she had the bottle to knock and ask, rather than turn her tv up. That shows a bit of concern.

However you have changed the story slightly from the OP. You originally said she complained about the noise, but if what she truly said was that she was worried, then fair play to the lady for showing a bit of neighbourly concern.

Supposing you had left your daughter with a babysitter. Wouldnt you rather have a neighbour who goes to check, than one who ignores.

Original poster

mamasmissionimpossible · 16/01/2011 22:13

They are not that regular. They are usually take place on the school run, or when we are out and about.

I thought it 'normal' behaviour for a 3 year old to have tantrums occasionally.

OP posts:

TheMonster · 16/01/2011 22:14

I think her saying she didn't know whether to call the police wasn't a serious thing. It sounds like, yes, she was bothered by the noise, but was also concerned.
She wasn't judging your parenting ability,, merely checking that all was ok.

Our neighbour called the social services because DS was screaming (with pleasure) when he was riding his bike up and down the driveway. There are some nutters around.

plupervert · 16/01/2011 22:14

"Well, if you want it to be an hour, just keep standing there, giving her an audience"?

Interfering people can cause a tantrum to go on far longer than necessary...

mutznutz · 16/01/2011 22:15

That's a very valid point Charliesmommy made about a babysitter.

charliesmommy · 16/01/2011 22:16

Having a short tantrum is normal. Full blown screaming for over 20 minutes is going to wear anyone down.

Are you spending the 20 minutes physically trying to talk her down, or do you put her in her room and let her scream away.

With my granddaughter, the tantrum usually stops the minute she stops getting any attention at all.

Original poster

mamasmissionimpossible · 16/01/2011 22:18

I wasn't talking her down, she was in a different room. I was getting on with something else, whilst she screamed. She is a strong willed child, that is part of her personality.

OP posts:

FudgeGirl · 16/01/2011 22:18

I think YABU

Sounds like she was genuinely concerned.

If you live in a flat, you need to consider your neighbours.

CarGirl · 16/01/2011 22:18

Why don't you call on your neighbour when your dd is in a good mood and apologise for dd's tantrum disturbing her. Use it as an opportunity to foster better relationships.

Ask her how she dealt with her dc tantrums etc? Do the "she doesn't have them often but when she does it takes her at least 20 mins to calm down anything else just winds her up more" approach.

PaisleyLeaf · 16/01/2011 22:19

I heard a child letting out blood-curdling screams the other day from the car park of a pub. I ran to see if everything was okay and saw that it was some sort of tantrum. If I hadn't seen the child for myself and it had gone on for 20 minutes, I don't know what I'd've done. It was horrible to hear.

blackeyedsusan · 16/01/2011 22:21

your neighbour was being kind to dd, although it is really stressful for you. ds/ dd used to screaam blue murder through nappy chnges and baths and they were a lot shorter! I used to worry about it. sometimes ds is left to cry if I am dealing with dd and vice versa. dd did scream for a good 20 minutes or so when she was ill, til the calpol kicked in.

the best thing is to befriend your neighbour, she may come in very useful one day when you have run out of calpol etc.

Original poster

mamasmissionimpossible · 16/01/2011 22:23

Apparently the neighbours dd didn't have tantrums

Ok, so what should I have done, other than ignore her tantrum. She doesn't appear to respond to talking, when she red faced and too wound up. She will respond to food, but I don't think that is a good idea.

OP posts:

Hassled · 16/01/2011 22:25

I can see from your POV it seemed a bit much, but if it takes you by surprise the sound of a child screaming is horrific - a toddler let out a scream in the school playground the other day and mine being older and my memory being poor, I assumed imminent death or disaster. It was just a small child having a melt-down. Your 20 mins would have felt like a good hour to her.

colette · 16/01/2011 22:25

my ds could take 20 mins at least to stop screaming at that age and it was best to leave him to calm down any attenton seemed to fuel the fire.

humanoctopus · 16/01/2011 22:25

It is completely normal for 3 year olds to have tantrums.
I would worry if a tantrum went on for 20 minutes. Poor child must be exhausted.
Maybe your neighbour was genuinely worried or at the end of her tether with the screaming. Some people are very sensitive to children crying and completely melt down themselves.
Maybe you should have a friendly word with your neighbour and let her know how its going with your daughter. Maybe even ask her advice? She is your neighbour and unless you are going to move, then you are going to have to get on with her.
Who knows, maybe she'll have some pearls of wisdom?
Does sound like your dd has very long life tantrums, are you coping with them?

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