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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off with our intefering neighbour

53 replies

mamasmissionimpossible · 16/01/2011 21:52

So today our 3 year old dd throws a massive tantrum this afternoon (screaming, shouting, the works!). Which I realise is normal behaviour for a 3 year old, if very wearing.

About 20 mins into the tantrum we get a knock at the door from the old biddy nice lady who lives upstairs.

She is complaining about the noise coming from my dd and saying she has been listening to it for an hour. Which is total rubbish, as I looked at the clock and it was about 20mins.

AIBU to be pissed off and think mind your business. I need to think of some good comebacks in case she decides to darken my door again!

OP posts:

Hassled · 16/01/2011 22:26

What does she tantrum over? Are there obvious triggers you can try to avoid or distract her ahead of time, or is it all random?

CarGirl · 16/01/2011 22:27

My eldest never had a tantrum, then I had "normal" children - actually they didn't tantrum much tbh! Not that kind of personalities I guess.

Could it be possible that some of her tantrum is due to being hungry/in need of food?

I would completely ignore them when having a tantrum but dc2 you used to have to ask her if she was finished after a bit so we could have a cuddle and she could move on!

Toddlers are strange characters

mutznutz · 16/01/2011 22:28

I think 3yrs old is a bit too old to be in a room on her own screaming for 20 mins...though I do take on board the fact we all parent our children differently.

She may not respond to talking and reasoning right now...but don't give up trying or she may never respond to reasoning.

charliesmommy · 16/01/2011 22:28

It would depend on the reason for the tantrum as to how you deal with it.

What set her off today?

She is a strong willed child, that is part of her personality.

That is the bit you have to take control over.. you need to be strong willed. She will be starting school soon and you dont need her to be having 20 minute tantrums as you are trying to leave for the school run..

mutznutz · 16/01/2011 22:30

Toddlers are strange characters

Oh God aren't they just!!

mollymax · 16/01/2011 22:32

Looking at this from the other side, there was a thread not so long ago, the op was asking if she should go round to a neighbours house as she could hear lots of baby crying and screaming.
The consensus was for the op to pop round to see if everything was ok.
To be a concerned neighbour, I think all your neighbour was doing was trying to help.

CarGirl · 16/01/2011 22:33

Then there was dc3 who I had to give a bottle/cup of milk to when I woke her from her nap and deposited her in the pushchair for school run or all hell was let loose.

Then dc4 who gave up naps at 2 and even before that was as happy as larry all day every day with just very occasional melt downs.

The are very very strange & unique individuals

Original poster

mamasmissionimpossible · 16/01/2011 22:34

I have tried distraction, sometimes it works. Usually it doesn't. I just have to ride out the storm, until she calms down.

The worst times are the school run and having to strap her into the car seat. Sometimes she does an ironing bond impression in seat and sometimes she doesn't. I'm never quite sure what is sets her off, as it does seem quite random.

I'm usual quite thoughtful when it comes to other peoples feeling, but that neighbour caught me in a very stressful situation. So I was feeling quite annoyed by her turning up and I felt like she was judging me.

OP posts:

mutznutz · 16/01/2011 22:36

CarGirl My boys were strange at that age as all three of them had a ponchant for walking around stark bollock naked in my high heels.

I must admit it raised an eyebrow or two when the HV arrived unannounced

mutznutz · 16/01/2011 22:37

It's easy to feel like you're being judged when you're that stressed though...I'm sure lots of us have felt that.

Now you've calmed down though, can you see she was just concerned or do you still feel the same?

HelenBa · 16/01/2011 22:37

your neighbour sounds reasonable, coming round to make sure everything is ok - one to befriend by the sounds of it

GreenEyesandHam · 16/01/2011 22:39

I don't think you did anything wrong in ignoring her (toddler obv) and riding it out until she calmed down.

I don't think your neighbour did anything wrong in coming round either.

Original poster

mamasmissionimpossible · 16/01/2011 22:41

I am thinking more rationally now. I did apologise at the time. It may not have come across as sincere, as inside I was seething.

I will give a sincere apology if we see each other again.

OP posts:

McHobbes · 16/01/2011 22:43

Well tbh it would've annoyed me too!

My ds2 is 3 (but only just) and out of our three kids, has been the one to have the major tantrums - he used to be able to go for half an hour at a time - sometimes longer!! There was nothing for it, if distraction didn't work, than to let him shout it out. I was never overly concerned about it, never felt out of my depth, and was able to ride it out. Now he is talking, his tantrums have pretty much petered out entirely.

If, during one of his meltdown, MY neighbour had come round wanting the lowdown, I would've felt very harrassed, and like the silly woman had nothing better to do.

I understand she may have been concerned and wekll intentioned, but as the mum of a tantrum toddler, the appearance of a neighbour at the door would not have improved the situation any.

KangarooCaught · 16/01/2011 22:45

Maybe it would do your dd good to go and meet the neighbour and hear you apologise for her on her behalf for disturbing her with her crying. The next time she tantrums you can say, 'Shall we go and see Mrs Neighbour? You're being noisy"

Tantrums are buggers, I still love that advert when the child is about to kick off and instead the mother lies down in the aisle and kicks off instead.

mutznutz · 16/01/2011 22:46

That's all you can do OP and good on ya for wanting to do it

Greenkit · 16/01/2011 22:51

God when DD kicked off on a tantrum she could keep going for ages the longest was 2 hours.

I just let her get on with it and had a cup of tea, my neighbour was fab though

Portofino · 16/01/2011 22:55

I feel for you! We lived in a flat when dd was that age and everytime we had a bath/hairwash she screamed like she was being murdered. I always used to worry that the neighbours would call the police/social services.

She screamed at bedtime and would kick me in the face etc. Lord help me, but she actually had the odd smack at that stage - after many warnings. It gets better!

McHobbes · 16/01/2011 23:01

I once approached my neighbours to tell them that ds2 was a tantrum chucker - and to apologise for the racket in advance.
They waved me away - they had three of their own. They know all about it.

Pumpster · 16/01/2011 23:11

Ignoring is usually the best policy I find but some toddlers are very determined. I'd have not been impressed by a knocking neighbour either.

fedupofnamechanging · 16/01/2011 23:25

I have a 3 year old DD who also has tantrums. she often has one when she is tired, but also at failure to get her own way. When it happens, you would think the sky had fallen in.

I always stay with her, have tried to distract her attention, talk to her, make her laugh, ignore it and pretend to do something else, but nothing appears to work. She can be stubborn (can't think where she gets that from!), and a tantrum can go on for 20mins or so.

Any advice/tips would be welcome as I am running out of ideas.

woollyideas · 16/01/2011 23:37

When she was a toddler my DD used to have the complete ab-dabs when I washed her hair. Blood-curdling screams were the order of the day. I used to leave her hair for as long as possible between washes because it was such an ordeal. On hairwash day I used to have to knock and tell my neighbours that I was about to shampoo her, just in case they thought I was murdering her.

We lived in a detached house at the time but they could still hear her. Sounds funny now, but the first time they heard it they were really concerned and came and knocked on our door. TBH I was glad of their concern - they were great neighbours.

(Not like the mad old bat who lives next door to me now..) :(

cat64 · 16/01/2011 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DitaVonCheese · 16/01/2011 23:53

Just skim-read half the thread but re the calling the police thing, I would take that to mean that she may have thought you'd eg had a fall and your DD was distressed as a result of an unconscious mum, rather than feeling as though she was accusing you of hurting your DD.

dessen · 17/01/2011 00:09

good idea to have your dd take up a drawing & you invite her for a cup of tea. You might have a nice neighbour after all.

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