To reluctantly accept my mediocrity?

[AgentZigzag]

When I was younger (not that long ago, I'm only 39 ) I always thought I had a shot at being noteworthy in something or other, that perhaps I'd make a difference or a contribution to something significant.

But the last couple of years, it's dawned on me that when I die I'll have just lived an ordinary life and not be remembered for anything other then my mediocrity.

I'm not able to work in paid employment, but have 'educated' myself over the years (I'm a third of the way through a masters degree) and perhaps that has something to do with it, I know I'll never be able to use my qualifications and that grates on me.

It's not that I don't count my gorgeous DDs or chuffing lovely DH as unimportant, and I've been happy, content and secure for the last 10 years I've been married, but I thought I might have done something bigger outside my domestic bubble.

Or should I just count my chickens (and I am a 'my glass is half full' kind of person) and be glad I've got to a place where I'm comfortable?

some of us didn't even achieve the 5 children honey, as much as we would have liked - you can't buy that stuff. I agree that internal contentment is paramount - you have indeed been blessed - but to parade achievements like that on a thread like this..???? like, wtf hun - what are you doing??

You are having an existential crisis

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existential_crisis

Happens to us all, quite normal

Why shouldn't she?

That was about Xenia btw ....

Five children and studying up to and including a Masters degree. FFS woman when would you have time to do anything else?

YOu should start a magazine type blog thing where people write to you for your advice and experience. Or write a book, or poetry.

I like being anti-social, on the net I can ignore stupid people, in RL I have to interact with them.

If you are a glass half full person then cheers, your life seems grand - enjoy it.

I'm a bit confused here - do we only like women to be successful on MN, but not too successful and just as long as they're not too happy with it - or never mention it in passing?

Surely the underlying point of the OP was looking for inspiration...

That's my sole aim - you can achieve anything if you want to but most people don't really want to and that's fine and that your better aim is internal contentment which I have and I think I would have had withotu all that other stuff and some can be aimed for. I wanted a lot of children so I married young and had 3 by age 26. If I'd not planned and started trying at 35 when fertility goes off a cliff then I couldn't have had them so easily if at all.

Xenia - try to remember that there are women over 35 on here who are trying to conceive...

It depends how you look at your age, I think. And maybe whether you are one for looking to the future or one for reflecting on the past.

39 is nothing. I was told at 18 I wouldn't have children, had my first at 36, second at 39. I'm now 43. My life up until 35 was very different to how it is now, as I'd never considered having children, thought it wasn't an option.

I fully expect my life to change again in the next 10 years and would never assume that what I do with my remaining time on the planet won't make me outstanding and memorable when I'm gone.

Having said all that, I love the very first response you got, from Tee.

true and I had the twins after 35, just but for younger peoople an dour daughters we should really make it very clear if they want big families they need to be thinking about babies in their 20s. Lives need to be planned to an extent.

Also I agree with taffeta - depends how you view age. I feel as I did at age 20 except less tired and more energetic and with the prospect of children leaving so my 50s will be one of the best decades. i can hardly wait. There is so much to do. Seize the day,

'my big aim this week is to finally hoover under the sofa'

I forced DH to do We did ours last weekend, tbh I was a bit shell shocked afterwards for a while.

There was an escapee nappy, two asthma inhalers and a cat under ours. No cash though Hope you have better luck.

I know what you're saying Xenia, and I am very, very grateful for what I have, considering the person I used to be, I have everything

It's not really money I want either, it comes, it goes, so long as I have enough to get the little we need I'm happy.

Love the idea of an existential crisis, do you reckon giving it such an official term would be of use in saying to DH that even though we're skint I need some new clothes??

There are things you can do. This is a fantastic age for those of us who cannot hold down what you might call a 'normal job' out there in the world. I love being around people - but everything else about jobs is a nightmare and, well, it tends not to end well.

But this is the golden age for working from home using the internet my friend. Use it.

Some good advice about writing, blogging,and academic work. There are tons of offensive, eccentric academics. I don't think I'm offensive (although it has been known....) but eccentric is a fair cop.

I'm nearly 10 years older than you - I felt very much like you back then. I had been derailed yet again from an attempt to do something with my life by circumstances beyond my control. It happens.

I've done a lot since then but I still feel the same a lot fo the time - I realise it's just my nature and if I didn't feel that angst I would never do anything - that's probably why humans have this angst - to drive us to more than we absolutely have to.

I was 29 having DD1 and 38 with DD2, and so glad I waited for the right person.

You can't plan the person you're meant to be with passing by at the right moment in your 20s.

I agree about the understated contentment ib tees post, compared to the grief and chaos some survive with, being comfortable in your head when you go to bed at night is priceless.

It is acknowledged that people who have existential thoughts and concerns tend to be more gifted and talented

This yearning is part of the human condition for some, not everyone.

So either find a way of accepting the life you have chosen to have now or make changes or plan to make changes.

39 is not too old to make a change but the truth is that a lot of these achievements that we may look on at and say " Ahh I could have done that if only my teacher at school had seen my potential or my dad had encouraged me more...." well there is a lot of sweat and graft to get there and focus- people work out what they want and go for it. The truth is that for many the greatest mediocrity is in our desires and vision. We don't want anything enough out the grind in to get it- the people who do achieve what we may see as notable somehow, decided, committed and most of the time worked, compromised, sacrificed.

Many of us just can't be arsed to do that so we get the lives we get.

Personally I did the rewarding and pretty well paid career thing and now as an older mother just find i have never been more content looking after my son, enjoying the sunshine, visiting museums, galleries, the beach, parks, cooking new recipes, observing my baby develop, laughing with him, teaching him.

Frankly it does not get any better than this and i cherish every moment of it before i return to the rewarding, stimulating career in education when that stage arrives.

Be honest with yourself- many of us choose mediocrity as it is an easier road and i think it is such a subjective term- one woman's mediocre is another's magnificent.

I would not swap this mundane mother phase for the most notable of achievements. So i do not think my existence mediocre.

Work out what your real desire is and honestly ask if you can really be arsed to put the work in to pursue it- if you can't get on with loving the life you have.

IF YOU CAN"T GET OUT OF IT, GET INTO IT.

This has struck so many chords with me - there was a time I was to be a high-flying international journalist, you know. It would definately, definately have happened. It would have been me in that flak jacket on the News at Ten.

And I did struggle with the mediocrity for a while - but then I realised that actually I'm a far from mediocre parent (and a smug one to boot), my children will remember me fondly, and I'm content, which is more than a lot of people have. I'm sure that's the case for you too, OP.

I said this on a thread last night and I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but it's true - life is so short; don't piss it away regretting things. Enjoy what you have.

At age 30 I embraced my provinciality.

At 40 (v soon) I am finally embracing my mediocrity.

'Tis liberating.

Who wants to be brilliant when you can be an also-ran? This sofa is a bit more comfortable than the seat of wonderousness...

OP, I've been going through some very similar feelings recently. 10 years ago I started my Masters in Public Health and ended up marrying and moving over here before I'd finished (thinking I could do it later). Now it is too late, I have an expensive education to pay for and nothing to show for it.

I managed to work in public health for 4 years but in a post with no possiblity for advancement. Then took a job that was a backwards move when we relocated for DH's job. Then that contract finished, I was offered my dream job, and had it snatched away when they decided I'd had too much time off sick and rescinded the offer.

I feel deflated, had been trying to get a job like that for 10 years, and was nearly there. Now can't work up any enthusiasm. All my skills and knowledge are old and useless. I always saw myself as having a 'career' and am starting to resign myself to just having a series of jobs that I don't really like. I am a SAHM at the moment, something that was previously unthinkable to me (my mom and both grandmas were WOHMs). And I've no idea what I want to do with myself for the next 35 years.

I should be grateful, I have a wonderful DH and DS, a roof over my head, etc, but just feel like I'm never going to achieve anything.

@ rose, yy it must be true.

Thanks for that post cherry, I think I have perhaps chosen what I have because to do something else would be a price too high, and I do value the state of being 'normal' at the same time as feeling like I do.

I've had a couple of close shaves with mortality hassled, so I know what I'm getting is extra, it's always worth keeping it in mind for perspective.

I know exactly what you mean. I swore I'd escape the suburban life in the not so great town I grew up in. Now I'm married, child on way and shelling out for a big fat mortgage in the town I always promised I'd leave. I think I underestimated growing up what an achievement a 'boring' life in the suburbs is - it's taken a lot of hard work to get here.

YANBU, your life is what you want it to be - spectacular or mediocre or however you want to term it.

But I would be concerned that you've talked yourself out of success before you've even tried it - your posts about your limitations and not being able to accomplish what you wanted, and having to settle for never being able to work, etc.

To that I would say "argue for your limitations and sure enough, they're yours..." (Richard Bach)

I think the definition of "brilliance" needs to be revisited.

Maybe, just maybe, brilliance is personal happiness and contentment, an ability to bring joy to others, and to live with dignity and earn respect.

I know the connotations of it aren't great, but I do like Rudyard Kipling's poem If

It's possible Brilliant it's just the nature of humans that whatever you have the grass is always greener.

If you have wealth and fame, you look longingly on ordinary and normal with envy.

If you have contentment and security, there's always other ways you lack in being fulfilled.

Maybe that's what makes us achieve so much, we're always striving for more.

Some people always strive for more, never content (me), but others reach contentment far more easily. I think either is ok.

But I really think accepting and working with your own reality is the real achievement.

Yes I'm a bit sentimental tonight

That sounds like I'm contradicting myself - what I mean is that some people always want to reach new heights and others don't, and both is ok.

Time for bed [before I get up and go to the gym for the first of my two workouts of the day and then work on my masters dissertation after the day at work - can you tell I'm rubbish at accepting my own mediocrity? Rubbish!)