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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think friends DD is a lying little tell tale and deliberately wanted to get DS into trouble!

98 replies

superv1xen · 15/01/2011 18:23

had my friends and their DD round this afternoon for lunch and so the kids could play etc.

friends DD and my DS are both 4. they play nicely generally but she is a bit princessy and whiny and cries easily, IMO, for attention, as, if she so much as makes one whinge slightly unhappy sound her mum snaps to attention, "ooooh dear whats the matter darling" kind of thing.

well they were playing in DS's room and after a while she came downstairs whinging about something and kind of, pretend crying. and when asked whats the matter by her mum, she said "DS has hit me" but i could tell by her face she was making it up, and if he HAD have hit her, she would have been hysterical as thats how she is. you could just tell how she was telling the story she was making it up as she went along. And if you all knew DS, you would know he is not the type to "hit" people, he is a placid, gentle, loving little boy, and if anyone is the hitting, bullying type, its her. in fact not only have i seen her bully DS, i have seen her aim sly kicks and pushes at my youngest (19 months) when she thinks no one is looking Hmm

so i called DS down and asked him what happened, and he said he hadn't hit her, but it was blatantly obvious my friends didnt believe him, they believed their precious DD, so i felt obliged to tell him off to kind of keep the peace and send him back to his room for time out :( and i am so angry at myself for doing that. esp as brat friends dd carried on crowing about what a "naughty boy" DS was etc for about half an hour afterwards. Angry

i love my friend but i really disliked her DD today and their attitude towards DS :(

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 15/01/2011 18:27

well as no-one saw what went on I don't think you can believe or disbelieve either of them to be honest

i can't believe you punished your son for something he may not have even done

i'd have done a general "oh dear, well just play nicely now" type thing and ignored it tbh!

edam · 15/01/2011 18:30

Why did you send your ds to his room if you suspected your friend's dd was fibbing?

TattyDevine · 15/01/2011 18:31

Agree with thisisyesterday

Ormirian · 15/01/2011 18:31

She soundsa charmer Hmm but Iagree you shouldn't have told him off although if your friend is a little precious re her child I can see why you felt obliged.

pjmama · 15/01/2011 18:39

General rule of thumb, if you didn't see what happened then you can't really punish either. When I get the "he did it/she did it" usual crap from my DTs, I just tell them if they can't play nicely toghether without fighting then they'll be separated.

In your shoes I wouldn't have told anyone off regardless of how your friends reacted, I'd have just insisted they play together where they can be supervised.

ilovemyhens · 15/01/2011 18:44

She sounds like a real bunny boiler in the making Hmm

I think you need to make more of a fuss when you next see her hitting either your ds or the baby. Call her on her behaviour and let her know she can't get away with it.

Rannaldini · 15/01/2011 18:45

yabu to dislike your friend and her dd

the dd was behaving entirely normally for her and for lots of 4 yr olds
all 4 yr olds are the type to hit someone once in a while
you will never know the truth

the problem lies with your behaviour in this situation imo
you didn't believe the girl's story and yet you still punished your own child. Perhaps through fear of some silent disapproval of your parenting skills.

the punishment (by you) of your ds meant that you did believe the little girl's version of events and corroborated the fact that he had been a "naughty boy"

It seems as though your friends were within a range of normal for them but you could have handled it better

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 15/01/2011 18:48

so you punished your DS out of peer pressure from your friend??? Shock

how about showing your son that telling the truth wont get him in trouble and that you will stick up for him when he is being truthful.

you should have told both kids that as no-one saw what happened, that you couldn't tell who was lying (as clearly one was) so nothing could be done but that the liar should think about what they have done.

FudgeGirl · 15/01/2011 18:51

I wouldn't be leaving them alone together ever again, either.

TheFoosa · 15/01/2011 18:58

a bunny boiler in the making??! Hmm

she's a 4 year old child

paddyclamp · 15/01/2011 19:05

My DS would call your friend's DD a "poo poo girl"..she sounds like a royal pain in the rump

veritythebrave · 15/01/2011 19:05

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coldtits · 15/01/2011 19:05

Next time this friend wants to visit, explain that your ds doesn't want them to come because "he feels that he is being lied about"

veritythebrave · 15/01/2011 19:10

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StewieGriffinsMom · 15/01/2011 19:20

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onimolap · 15/01/2011 19:27

Only follow coldtit's advice if you're prepared to risk permanent estrangement.....

I agree with the posters who point out that you don't know what went on as no-one else witnessed it. It is possible that either your DS did (completely inadvertently) strike her in the course of another game and that she has (for whatever reason) misrepresented this as a deliberate hit. Or she might have provoked him so much that he did act completely out of character and lash out. We just don't know.

I wouldn't tell off an individual child. But I don't see any reason not to issue a general statement to both - something along the lines of: "In this house there is no hitting, or lying, or unkindness. You can both sit here until you can work out a way to play together nicely".

And if you can, jeep them where you can see them in future.

ENormaSnob · 15/01/2011 19:29

I am a bit Hmm that you effectively punished a child for something you beleive he didn't do.

My friends ds is quite an unpleasant child so I only see her on her own. IMO it's unfair to expect my children to put up with him and his behaviour so I can maintain the friendship. Perhaps you could do the same?

brightlightsandpromises · 15/01/2011 20:12

rrrrrr i feel your pain and i say this: trust your instincts dont tell your child off if another child is tittle tattled. I say this because: yesterday i ended up having to tell my child off when the other child was antagonising her and it was looking like i twas my child that was kicking off. When i did talk properly to my DD later on, it came out that the other child had instigated it. This other girl is becoming renown for this sort of spiteful behaviour. And you know what, i really like her mother but i am developing an intense dislike of her daughter and will be discouraging any further friendship, if that costs me a friendship, which it is likely to do and the friendship of another couple of mums then so be it.

MadamDeathstare · 15/01/2011 20:15

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WimpleOfTheBallet · 15/01/2011 20:18

Don't tell DS off ever just to keep peace with mates...what I have learned to do in smilar situations is to say "Well we weren't there to see so here's a biscuit each...run off and be friends..."

And then turn to the Mother and say "That's how the teachers deal with it at school....best way...they'll have forgotten about it in a moment"

And it's true...if there were no witnesses that IS what teachers do...well..apart from the biccies! It's the only fair way.

StayFrosty · 15/01/2011 20:23

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usualsuspect · 15/01/2011 20:24

Shes 4 not 14

MadamDeathstare · 15/01/2011 20:28

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katiestar · 15/01/2011 20:34

FGS sake when I read the title I thought they must be 10 or older.THEY ARE FOUR!!! This sort of thing is par for the course.
You implicitly believe your DS is in the right, well don't you think she feels the same way about her DD?
As others have said bring them down to play where you can see them.

KangarooCaught · 15/01/2011 20:36

This is quite typical of 4 years olds - not all, but very common. Both my dcs are known to exaggerate an innocent knock into a full-blown calculated assault that requires instant wrath of mummy. It's part entertainment for them (your reaction that is) but also them testing out the rules.

This is a phase (oft used on here) and the 4 year old will grow out of it, although may always tend to whininess if her mother panders to it. Can I suggest more supervised play to protect your ds or just a 'there-there approach', now you play nicely or you'll have to be separated rather than punishing something you did not see - unless of course digits are missing/hair lopped off etc.