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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I just didn't know about this affair?

71 replies

WishIDidnt · 15/01/2011 17:20

Ok, deep breath, here goes.

Best mate is divorcing husband.

Meantime, she's having an affair with another friend.

Other friend is getting married in two months.

OM knows I know but I've never spoken about it to him. Meantime I'm a shoulder to cry on for my friend, who although she feels bad about it all, I think it's all acting as a nice diversion from the divorce.

I don't feel any loyalty to her soon to be ex husband (he's abusive and a drunk) but I am starting to feel bad for the OM's soon to be wife.

I wouldn't dream of telling her, no way.

My friend keeps saying that it can't possibly continue when he's married, and I've just said well it's not stopping either of you with a couple of months to go, so what's the difference?

My head's hurting and I just wish I didn't know about it. I'm also not looking forward to the fallout because I just can't see them stopping it, and surely OW will find out eventually?

Argh! It's too much, on one hand I'm glad she's confided in me, but on the other I wish I didn't know!

OP posts:
Original poster
WishIDidnt · 15/01/2011 17:21

Sorry, I meant surely OM's WTB will find out eventually?

I know for a fact another of his (the OM's) friends found out last weekend as they haven't been able to keep their hands to themselves.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 15/01/2011 17:21

Um... I could not continue to be friends with someone who was doing that.

stoppinchingthedummy · 15/01/2011 17:22

You need to tell your best friend to stop now or you will be telling the other women!! Your best friend is being completly unfair on this other women who thinks her perfect world is about to be complete :( I dont blame u for not wanting to know its a horrible situation to be in!! poor u :(

Pheebe · 15/01/2011 17:23

What she is doing is wrong on so many levels. I would not and could not condone it and I'm not sure I could continue supporting her. But thats just 'judgy pants, everything is black and white, affairs are a work of pure evil' me.

YANBU to wish you didn't know, I'd be furious she told me tbh

Original poster
WishIDidnt · 15/01/2011 17:23

I can't just dump my friend!!!

I just couldn't, I feel that would be wrong. I'm trying to counsel her without judging, but it is hard.

OP posts:
orangepoo · 15/01/2011 17:24

Your best mate - is she quite young and naive (in which case I may cut her some slack) or does she realise what she is doing to someone's (OM's WTB) life - in this case - terminate friendship.

orangepoo · 15/01/2011 17:26

Wish - Have you ever been on the receiving end of this behaviour? I have, and that's why I would consider dumping the friend.

serzz · 15/01/2011 17:26

that is a tricky situation. ur deffinatly not bein unreasonable by wishin you didnt know. no good ever comes out of things like that. Confused

SoupDragon · 15/01/2011 17:27

Some things are meant to be judged IMO.

If you won't ditch her then say "i will continue to support you through your divorce but i don't want to hear about your affair as I think that makes you a complete bitch."

Original poster
WishIDidnt · 15/01/2011 17:28

Isn't the man the bigger baddie here?

My friend does feel bad about the OW. Obviously not bad enough though.

OP posts:
DeidreBarlow · 15/01/2011 17:31

I don't think there are levels of 'baddie'here. But there is one unsuspecting victim, the OM's fiancee!

You need to tell your friend she is being a complete bitch - if she's your best mate then of course you can spell that out to her. I know i have done with mine in the past. She may well be hurting over her divorce but she is hurting another woman who is oblivious to what her OH is doing with her.

But no YANBU to wish you didn't know about the affair

SoupDragon · 15/01/2011 17:32

No. They are both as bad as each other. He is choosing to ignore the vows he is about to make and the commitment he has made to his fiancé and she doesn't give a stuff about anyone other than herself in this scenario..

SoupDragon · 15/01/2011 17:34

If your friend felt bad about the poor fiancee, she wouldn't be doing it. Your friend is the OW, not the man's fiancée, FFS!

orangepoo · 15/01/2011 17:34

Well, they are both "baddies" actually.

Your friend should be behaving with humanity - doesn't really matter if she knows the man's STB wife or not - she is a human being with feelings.

IAmReallyFabNow · 15/01/2011 17:34

OP - are you the one divorcing and shagging someone elses husband to be? Hmm.

charliesmommy · 15/01/2011 17:37

I would simply say to her that while she continues to behave this way, she is no longer welcome as your friend.

It could be your husband next... seeing as she clearly has no respect for other peoples relationships.

Original poster
WishIDidnt · 15/01/2011 17:42

No, it's not me!

I know it's wrong. I just don't know what to do about it. I'm the only person she can talk to and I don't feel I can drop her, I just can't do that.

I think I am going to talk to her though as it's really bothering me.

OP posts:
stoppinchingthedummy · 15/01/2011 17:46

Yes they are both baddies but imo MEN ARE STUPID ,women are supposed to be better than that - im lucky to have met a non stupid man who knows if he ever hurt me like this -id cut of his knackeres with a fork Shock Your friend needs to STOP right now ,this poor unsuspecting other women - go to the wedding and when they say "does anyone here present know of any lawful impedement why these two may not be joined in matrimony" wave your hand up in the air Grin ok that was a joke but please talk your friend down from this

Original poster
WishIDidnt · 15/01/2011 17:48

I want to cut his bits off with a fork :(

I suppose I'm too close to my friend to feel as angry with her as I possibly should, it's easy to say I should drop her but I think it's different when you truly find yourself in that situation. It's just not black and white, she's my friend and I love her.

OP posts:
stoppinchingthedummy · 15/01/2011 17:50

Yes of course you do and its not that easy your right but if she cares about how you feel she will stop this now ,make her feel guilty ...hope your ok .

Mishy1234 · 15/01/2011 17:56

I think you need to speak to your friend and tell her how you feel, honestly and openly. She needs to understand that although this affair is a distraction for her during a difficult time, she is going to be worse off in the long run.

If the wedding does go ahead, she will either be dumped by this guy and feel terrible or continue to be used and still feel awful. Then of course there is the future bride.

It needs to stop and stop now. The only person who is benefiting is the guy.

You don't have to get angry or cut your friend off. Talk to her. Be understanding, but be clear. She has NOTHING to gain from allowing it to continue.

pjmama · 15/01/2011 18:00

Somebody should be telling the fiancee, before she makes the biggest mistake of her life marrying this arsehole.

Mishy1234 · 15/01/2011 18:02

I'm inclined to agree pjmama.

SoupDragon · 15/01/2011 18:03

I have dropped someone for similar reasons. The decision wasn't hard.

stoppinchingthedummy · 15/01/2011 18:07

Last week i heard that a friend of mine's fiancee was possible having an affair AGAIN- and the person he was having an affair with was someone he has had an affair with before and a child with ....i also heard he got this person pg again ...So i told her what the rumours were - i made it very clear that they could be rumours but she is marrying the guy i didnt want to hide something that important from here - turns out he isnt having an affair with this girl and she is just stirring but its stopped the rumours!!