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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish I just didn't know about this affair?

71 replies

WishIDidnt · 15/01/2011 17:20

Ok, deep breath, here goes.

Best mate is divorcing husband.

Meantime, she's having an affair with another friend.

Other friend is getting married in two months.

OM knows I know but I've never spoken about it to him. Meantime I'm a shoulder to cry on for my friend, who although she feels bad about it all, I think it's all acting as a nice diversion from the divorce.

I don't feel any loyalty to her soon to be ex husband (he's abusive and a drunk) but I am starting to feel bad for the OM's soon to be wife.

I wouldn't dream of telling her, no way.

My friend keeps saying that it can't possibly continue when he's married, and I've just said well it's not stopping either of you with a couple of months to go, so what's the difference?

My head's hurting and I just wish I didn't know about it. I'm also not looking forward to the fallout because I just can't see them stopping it, and surely OW will find out eventually?

Argh! It's too much, on one hand I'm glad she's confided in me, but on the other I wish I didn't know!

OP posts:

minibmw2010 · 15/01/2011 18:13

I seriously hope someone tells that poor Fiancee before she marries this horrible man and yes wish if I was you I would drop this lady (because frankly if she's happy to have an affair with OM who is due to be married soon, she'll as easily go for your DH), she doesn't sound like she has many morals or scruples.

FaffTastic · 15/01/2011 18:15

Sounds as if the shit will hit the fan soon enough if they are not being discreet and one of the OMs friends caught them at it. I just hope the financee finds out before the wedding goes ahead.

minipie · 15/01/2011 18:35

If I were you I would tell the man (who is also your friend) that you know and you think he's a shit. And that he needs to tell his fiancee.

Whether you can remain friends with your best friend is up to you. I don't think her behaviour is as bad as his as she is single (effectively if not legally) and he is not. However she's still demonstrating that she doesn't care about anyone except herself - not a great quality in a friend.

lazarusb · 15/01/2011 18:55

You do know that when the fiancee/wife finds out - which she will - and it is revealed that you knew all about it and did nothing, you are going to be very unpopular too don't you? Tell your friend she has to end this now. Her situation doesn't excuse her selfish behaviour. As for him- he's a bastard who should not be even thinking about getting married. How does he sleep at night?

IAmTheCookieMonster · 15/01/2011 19:05

does noone think that she should TELL the poor woman who is about to marry a cheater? Even if she tells her anonymously?

Her WHOLE LIFE is about to become a lie and what if she has children and then finds out?

BitOfFun · 15/01/2011 19:10

Yes, she should be told. How awful to be about to commit yourself to a liar.

MsKLo · 15/01/2011 19:10

I agree with pyjama too - please don't let this woman ruin her life by marrying this man

And as a true friend you should tell your friend in no uncertain terms that what she is doing is wrong and they need to own up and not ruin his fiancees life anymore

ENormaSnob · 15/01/2011 19:22

Tell the fiancée the truth.

Fwiw I wouldn't be able to maintain a friendship with someone like this.

wheresmytractor · 15/01/2011 19:35

If I was the fiance I would want to know what an utter bastard I was close to marrying. You CAN NOT let her ruin her life by committing herself to such a git. What if they have kids? He doesn't deserve ANY women, let alone 2. Your friend is probably on the rebound buts its still terrible behaviour imo. YANBU to not want to know, I certainly wouldn't as this kind of knowledge is a responsibility!

chocolatepuff · 15/01/2011 19:39

op i understand and agree with you that you cant dump your friend. she's a bit fucked up from her divorce and is being out of order and selfish, but you are clearly a good friend and want to make this situation right.

i can understand that you wish you didnt know too, must feel stressful. can you tell her how its making you feel? if she's continuing it despite the marriage in 2 months it sounds as though shes secretly hoping he will not go ahead with it. maybe tell her to stop all contact untill he makes a decision who he wants to be with?

RealEyesRealiseRealLies · 15/01/2011 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

WishIDidnt · 05/02/2011 02:04

Sorry to resurrect this thread.

Things have got bad, so bad.

Friend went out of her mind and an accident happened. Someone died. I can't say any more than that. But someone (not her or OM) is now dead. I cannot get my head around it.

WTF am I supposed to do now? I did try to help and support her, but now everything has changed and I swing between trying to be a friend and wanting it all to go away?

OP posts:

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 05/02/2011 02:11

what happened...?

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 02:11

That sounds dreadful :(

beijingaling · 05/02/2011 02:12

Didn't want you to go answered. Can you give any more details?

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 05/02/2011 02:15

Oh no :( was it the OM's Fiancee?

Original poster

WishIDidnt · 05/02/2011 02:18

A crash. She hit someone, he died.

I can't believe this is happening and I'm blaming myself completely. I sat her down and I said "This has to stop". For many reasons - he has a fiancee, he has a child, this is wrong, it has to stop, it's hurting you (her) as well as him.

Well did she stop? No, she went on a mad night out and something happened.

I hope you understand why I can't say any more about what happened but some poor bloody innocent party is dead, he's actually died, and I feel so bloody responsible that I didn't try more to tell her to stop her behaviour.

Another friend said to me after we saw her (before the death) that he was going to have a word as her behaviour was inappropriate and he never got the chance either. I just can't live with it.

OP posts:

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 02:20

Thats very sad, but it really really isnt your fault in any way at all.

She is the one at fault, NOT YOU.

Katey1010 · 05/02/2011 02:23

Get yourself some counselling. Really, this is hard to deal with and you sound like you are blaming yourself. You need a third party to talk to. Secrets and lies are very damaging so look after your own mental health.

Original poster

WishIDidnt · 05/02/2011 02:24

I swear this is all true. I'm a long long time forum goer and if I read this the first thing I would think is "this is bull" but it really isn't. I swear, I could write a book and you wouldn't believe it was true, but it would be.

Sorry, I've had a drink but it's the first time I've had a drink since this happened and I can't stop going over what I could have done differenlty so this wouldn't have happened.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 05/02/2011 02:24

I didn't see or post on your thread, but I'm a bit worried about you resurrecting it at 2am and wondered if you are OK?

Are you suggesting the fiancee has died? Or is it someone unconnected with your thread?

But you wrote your 'friend went out of her mind' and 'an accident happened' in the same sentence, are you also implying your friend going out of her mind is somehow related to the accident?

Sorry if I'm way off the mark, it's an unusual post to write.

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 02:29

I am assuming she was drinking and driving?

You cannot take the blame for it. You didnt make her drink, or put her into the car and give her the keys.

This could have happened at any time, and you cant bear the responsibility or feel guilt.

I have never been in the same situation, so not sure how I would feel if it were one of my friends who did this. I would be utterly devastated, for the fact that someone had died, and the fact that my friend was responsible.

Could I abandon that friend? I really dont know. I dont think I could, even though I would be very very upset at what they had done.

Original poster

WishIDidnt · 05/02/2011 02:31

Katey, I am so grateful for you saying this I think I'm going mad. My friend is now having counselling as she's killed someone.

God that sounds so terrible. Someone has actually died and she did it. But although people have been very supportive (my OH and friends) I keep thinking what about me? What about me? I don't know where to start.

I have so many emotions running around my head and I feel so to blame. Everyone here told me to try and stop the relationship with her and him, or otherwise the relationshp with her - but I didn't and no what do I do?

Nobody else who knows what has happened (the death of the other person, not the man's fiancee btw, someone else, just someone in the wrong place at the wrong time) knows that I know all the other stuff about the affair.

WTF am I going to do? I haven't slept for nights now.

OP posts:

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 02:37

What. This isnt about you. You are not to blame. You are carrying all this guilt, that isnt yours.

I think you should go to see your GP, because you are going to make yourself really unwell with the way you are feeling.

I think you are also in shock too.

Harsh as this may sound, your friend is an adult, and in charge of her own life. As a friend, all you can do is support and advise. Its up to her to listen or not. If she doesnt listen, its not your fault.

Original poster

WishIDidnt · 05/02/2011 02:37

I just try to be normal but these horrible chills come over me when I think about it. They are painful.

I cannot believe that a couple of weeks ago I was asking for advice about this and now this has happened.

OP posts:

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