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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish I just didn't know about this affair?

71 replies

WishIDidnt · 15/01/2011 17:20

Ok, deep breath, here goes.

Best mate is divorcing husband.

Meantime, she's having an affair with another friend.

Other friend is getting married in two months.

OM knows I know but I've never spoken about it to him. Meantime I'm a shoulder to cry on for my friend, who although she feels bad about it all, I think it's all acting as a nice diversion from the divorce.

I don't feel any loyalty to her soon to be ex husband (he's abusive and a drunk) but I am starting to feel bad for the OM's soon to be wife.

I wouldn't dream of telling her, no way.

My friend keeps saying that it can't possibly continue when he's married, and I've just said well it's not stopping either of you with a couple of months to go, so what's the difference?

My head's hurting and I just wish I didn't know about it. I'm also not looking forward to the fallout because I just can't see them stopping it, and surely OW will find out eventually?

Argh! It's too much, on one hand I'm glad she's confided in me, but on the other I wish I didn't know!

OP posts:

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 02:38

sorry, ignore the what bit. I meant to type "wish"... (tired eyes and keyboard)

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 02:39

How is your friend? Have you seen her since the accident?

Original poster

WishIDidnt · 05/02/2011 02:43

I have, once. I can't hold this in any longer. I have to speak to OH tomorrow, he knows most of it but not all of it.

I can't talk to friends they know what's happened but not everything.

i know I can't sustain this feeling of horrible, horrible guilt. It's going to drive me insane.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 05/02/2011 02:47

I don't know whether it was you wish, but there was a very similar thread earlier on in the week.

If it was, you do seem very distressed by what has happened and I really think you need to get some professional support and help somewhere.

Sooner rather than later.

Do you feel able to talk to your doctor about how it's affected you?

Perhaps you could start with the sleepless nights and let it lead on to what's happened.

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 02:47

I think you should definately talk to your husband. You will drive yourself mad if you are bottling all this up. Honestly though, please believe me when I say you have absolutely no grounds to feel guilty about what has happened.

I can understand why you feel it, its a fairly normal reaction when you are so involved, but honestly, you dont have to, it wasnt within your control to stop it or prevent it.

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 02:48

I was thinking I had seen a thread with something very similar earlier this week too.

Original poster

WishIDidnt · 05/02/2011 02:54

You're all really kind.

Namechanging on here makes things very easy to vent, yes I have started a thread on another name.

I just think people will think I'm mad to be so distressed when it isn't me this has happened to, when I'm so bloody upset by it.

OP posts:

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 02:58

You are not mad at all love. Really not.

It affects you, even though you were not in any way responsible. By affects, I mean because the person who is involved is such a close friend.

It will get easier, honestly. But you have to talk to your husband, he will have noticed how upset you are and he deserves to know the full story, you have done nothing wrong at all in any of it. I am sure he will understand, and will be able to reassure you that none of it is your fault and you have no need to feel guilty.

AgentZigzag · 05/02/2011 02:59

You can't help the way you feel.

But you can find a way to rationalise what's happened and cope with it.

And by the sounds of it that may involve being frank with other people as to what's really going on in your head.

If talking it over with your DH doesn't make you feel significantly better, I hope you're able to give your doctor a chance to help you.

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 03:00

I am off to my bed now, but will come back to this thread later. Please try and get some sleep yourself, you probably feel drained and exhausted, and a bit of sleep will be a good thing. I know it must be hard, but try to not even think about it at all, even if its just for a few hours.

stoppinchingthedummy · 05/02/2011 10:02

Oh gosh i have no idea what to say ..how awful but your not to blame in any way,shape or form you need to get some professional advice from your doctors i hope a good sleep after venting on here has helped a bit x

rudolphsmum · 05/02/2011 10:09

I wish someone had told me about the affair my first husband was having when we got married. He left me for her 7 months later and I was destroyed. What was worse was that a friend I thought was mine as well has his then promptly told me that she had known all a long ! Suffice to say he moved on to someone else a few years later and has done so again I believe. I on the other hand am happily married with 2 kids to number 2 - but really wished someone had, had the guts to tell me what was going on before I married no. 1 !

AgentZigzag · 05/02/2011 11:53

I don't think the OP needs any more guilt piling on rudolph.

Perhaps if you have a read you'll see it's moved on from what the initial thread was about.

cumfy · 05/02/2011 12:24

You're clearly and understandably extremely distressed by this tragedy.
You are probably still in shock.
You feel isolated by the secrets you hold.

You definitely need to see a counsellor via your GP, to try and talk through this.

There is one thing I don't understand:
Why is the affair related to the accident ?

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 05/02/2011 12:31

I hope you can talk to your OH today.

Whatever you said, whatever else you could have, should have, would have said doesn't matter.

This is not YOUR fault

Your friend went on the mad night out
Your friend did whatever she did that caused the accident
Your friend was driving

You need some counselling
You need to look after yourself

Be there for your friend if you can, support her if you can. If you can't then stay away - right now she doesn't need anyone else telling her how fucking stupid and selfish she has been.

Try not to let your mouth run away with you about the affair - it is for him and her to sort out now. It is up to him what he tells his DF. If he has any feelings for your friend it's all going to become apparent, they wont be able to hide it now, if he doesn't it might be the wake up call he needs to either leave his DF or make a real commitment to her.

First and foremost - get YOURSELF some help & support x

Gogopops · 05/02/2011 12:50

Do you know the fiancee?

Is there any way of dropping a few hints to this poor girl that her knobhead of an OH is having an affair two months before they're supposed to be getting married?

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 12:55

I dont think that would make things any better GoGopops. The Op already feels bad enough to be involved in it all.

I agree the fiancee deserves to know, but not sure if the Op is the right person to tell her, as she has more than enough stress to deal with already by the sounds of it.

cumfy · 05/02/2011 13:11

I think that all weddings and affairs are the last thing on anyone's mind at the moment.

KangarooCaught · 05/02/2011 13:20

Confide in your OH. Step back from the 'friend' to protect your own mental health. I am guessing this is all going to come tumbling down around their ears anyway, whatever you do or don't do. None of this is in any way your fault or responsibility.

tribpot · 05/02/2011 13:28

You were already dealing with a stressful situation, and feeling undeservedly guilty about what was happening. And then this terrible thing happened. You've made a connection between the two things that might be more obvious to you than to us, but this doesn't make it your fault. Your friend was having an affair whilst going through a divorce. If that led to her getting so stressed she went on a blow-out and ended up killing someone by accident that is not your fault. Don't feel a misplaced sense of guilt that if only you'd said something a fortnight ago this wouldn't have happened. Only your friend is responsible for her actions.

You're obviously in shock. You absolutely do need to tell your OH everything, you cannot bottle this up.

I truly hope your friend has hit rock bottom now and starts to repair her life. But more than that, you need spend some time on your feelings and yourself. You've been under intense pressure, this needs to be about you for a while.

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 13:29

Well i suppose to the unsuspecting fiancee, this is just a tragedy that involves someone she may or even may not know (the other woman).. she wont have the foggiest that the woman involved in killing someone was shagging her fiance...

the fiance could well be wondering if it is about to all come into the open, or he may be thinking he has got off the hook as this woman he was seeing will undoubtedly be going to prison for a while

either way there is a can of worms wriggling and about to come bursting open all around... :(

I feel sorry for the OP, being stuck in the middle of such an awful situation, sorry for the fiancee who is happily sorting the last touches to her wedding and blissfully unaware, and very sorry for the bereaved family who have lost someone due to the irresponsible behaviour of a selfish and stupid woman.

Nowhere in any of it is the OPs fault though, and she has absolutely no reason to blame herself for any of it.

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