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AIBU?

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Original poster

SIL sends an invite out excluding under fives -

95 replies

prettypissedoff · 15/01/2011 02:34

My SIL - who my DH & I have an antagonistic relationship with have sent out an invitation to their wedding, we are not inviting the under fives.....?????

OP posts:
pagwatch · 15/01/2011 10:30

Gosh, what a tricky situation. If only there were a variety of simple solutions like..er..getting child care or...er.. Politely declining...

What to do, what to do...

TrillianAstra · 15/01/2011 10:30

If theye invited other people's children and not yours, that is rude.

If the rule is for everyone, then they are not being antagonistic, they just don't want under-5s at their wedding.

You say you don't have a good relationship with them, well this gives you the perfect opportunity to not go if you don't want to go. If you had all been invited you would have felt obliged to go, with all the ensuing hassle and expense that going to a wedding with 3 children under 5 entails.

wishingforcrystalball · 15/01/2011 10:32

Antagonistic relationship - just the type of guests I would want at my wedding - how can I not invite them as family?

How old are their kids? All under 5? great let's say no under 5s hopefully means that they can't come.

Call me cynical but I bet if your children were 3,5,7 it would be no under 10s to the wedding.

hidingmytrueidentity · 15/01/2011 10:35

Are they having children as bridesmaids etc?

I breathe a sigh of relief when we get invited to child free weddings- I just decline with a brilliant excuse.

Weddings are expensive- we need 2 overnight rooms, £100 for gift- probably new outfits (chikdren grow ) or morning suit hire.

Sister is a bit more tricky though. I think that my cousins wedding would have cost us almost £1000 as needed 2 nights and 9 hour drive. I was relieved.

I am also a bit mean- if I don't go I don't send a gift- or I just send some flowers a few days before wishing them well.

Northernlurker · 15/01/2011 10:35

Well I would be livid if my dcs weren't invited to a close relatives wedding assuming ordinary circumstances. Oddly enough my dcs weren't invited to my sister's wedding last year. Very special circumstances though - tiny wedding and bil had recently been diagnosed with a terminal illnesss. We had a lovely day but it was absolutely right not to have my dcs there and they were fine with that too.
Saying you can decline is not very helpful - refusing to attend his brother's wedding will be very upsetting for your dh and his family. I assume you can find childcare (your parents?) but I would be frank with bil and sil that this has upset you.

coldtits · 15/01/2011 10:38

Small children don't have the right to go everywhere. They are annoying, loud, messy and unpredictable. I would happily ban under 5s from all SORTS of places, especially weddings.

Katerlina · 15/01/2011 10:39

I breathe a sigh of relief and get me dancin' shoes and me drinkin' head on when it's a 'no kids' wedding! But then I'm probably a bad mother... ;-)

BuzzLightBeer · 15/01/2011 10:41

why..therefor children? The 2 things are not connected. You may have noticed that one can have a marriage without children and indeed children without marriage.

ISNT · 15/01/2011 10:42

I guess you suspect that this rule is in so that your particular children can't go?

It's easy, just don't go to the wedding. Or do you think they will make a big fuss if you decline?

onadietcokebreak · 15/01/2011 10:45

Maybe we could get mnhq to make this a sticky now wedding season is approaching!

compo · 15/01/2011 10:45

I think it's different saying child free wedding but to exclude your neices and nephews is mean
I'd tell your dh to tell his sister that she needs to explain to her neices and nephews why they aren't invited
then I'd get your parents to look after them while you attend the wedding

compo · 15/01/2011 10:47

When people say don't go that's fine if it's just a friends wedding, but a sibling's wedding? Relations are going to be pretty shite if you don't go to your own brothers wedding
I guess your dh could go on his own? Is he best man?

Aims80 · 15/01/2011 10:49

God I'm glad we've decided to have kids at our wedding.. but if we didn't who cares? It's our wedding and our choice.. or in this case theirs.. Get over it.

ISNT · 15/01/2011 10:50

It's not her sister though (or have I misunderstood), her DH can still go, so that's OK surely.

hidingmytrueidentity · 15/01/2011 10:51

Why is your sill,sending out the invites?

Is she estranged from her parents? Is it a second marriage?

Usually invites come from the parents? In which case talk to your mother in law first.

ledkr · 15/01/2011 10:54

Its weird cos i had no kids to my wedding as i had limited numbers and so many friends with kids there would have been a majority Grin I did however invite immediate family children and would be p'd off if close family didnt ask my children,unless it was special circumstances like northerlurkers sister.
I is hard to not go if its immediate famiy tho.DH so called best mate set their wedding date when they new our baby would be due a few months before and then said no kids.Ours will be about 7 wks old,the wedding is away and he is kicking off cos dh said we cant come obviouslyhe has refused to have any contact with dh since.I did suggest we just went up for the day or dh goes on his own but he didnt want to do either.Very tricky situation but can also understand why people dont want 4yr old boys skidding across the danc floor or babies crying as they are making their vows.

onadietcokebreak · 15/01/2011 10:57

Maybe mnhq could make this a sticky as this is so over done!

ledkr · 15/01/2011 10:58

what is a sticky

canyou · 15/01/2011 10:59

Is it the venu? My Sis is getting married this summer, beautiful country venue, lovely green gardens and lakes and ponds [she will have great photo's] but she rang me last week as reading the small print due to licensing laws means no under 16's after 7.30 pm [which she knew as the same everywhere] and no under 10's at the venue at all for H&S reasons. She has rung the venue but they will not allow smallies there as wedding, drink and distracted parents around water and wooded fields are not a safe mix.
Her compromise is a party for children in the church all while pics are being taken and then off they go.
I can't wait even though some of mine are in the bridal party and after the smallies party I get a nice relaxed evening of socialising and no stress.

compo · 15/01/2011 11:02

So dh's sister is getting married
and she hasn't invited his kids
I find that pretty shocking and crap tbh
but I still think you and dh have to go

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/01/2011 11:03

hiding - not these days. My SIL (who excluded our DS from her wedding despite my brother being his godfather) wrote her own invites because she was paying, not her parents.
Her parents were barely involved in the wedding plans. She isn't a woman who values the importance of family.

Friend's wedding and your kids aren't invited = party.
Sibling's wedding and your kids aren't invited = childcare nightmare and political nightmare.

BertieBasset · 15/01/2011 11:07

I think it is rubbish not to have your nieces and nephews at your wedding, even if you don't want other kids there. They are an important part of the family!

compo · 15/01/2011 11:08

Exactly bertie, I think it's really mean

ledkr · 15/01/2011 11:11

Maybe it needs to become more acceptable not to come and that bride and groom understand that if they dont ask children it may mean a few cant come.If you are breast feeding or have a child with special needs or simply have nobody to babysit(cos all the family are at the wedding) then you simply cannot go.It would be nice to be able to politely refuse without offence.

DurhamDurham · 15/01/2011 11:16

If you don't have a great relationship you have nothing to lose by not going. If you have 3 under 5's it might be that she is trying to make it difficult for you. Or she really might want a wedding without fidgety, noisy children. It's her day, you can't change her mind (neither should you try) and as you don't seem to like her v much you should plan a family day out instead.

This seems to crop up alot on MN but I've never encountered it in real life, we've been to lots of weddings, the children (even as babies/toddlers) have always been made v welcome. Guess we've just been lucky.